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CHAPTER 6: Past

EPOV

7 August 2010

Bella and I had gotten to know each other really well. Right now we were sitting in our apartment on the couch. I had my arm around her waist, and she had her head on my shoulder. We sat like this most nights for the past few weeks.

"How you feeling you've been pretty quiet today?"

"Today is my dad's birthday, I have just been thinking about him. When I think of him, I think of how he died and that makes me think of my mom."

Bella sounded really sad, I didn't like Bella this way.

"I am so sorry. I know you still really miss him, what was he like? You know you can tell me."

"He was great. I loved him and I miss him, he and my grandpa are my heroes. I only saw my dad two weeks out of every three months, but they were always the best. My mom Renee was not much of a mother; she made me feel like I was in the way all the time.

"Did you know that Phil was a baseball player?"

"He was?" I asked.

"Yeah his last name was Dwyer."

"What? Your dad was Phil Dwyer, the same Phil Dwyer who played for Seattle Mariners?"

"Yeah the very one," she said sadly.

Holy shit I did not know this! Phil Dwyer was one of the most sought out baseball players of our time. I remember he died in an accident about ten years ago.

Shit of course she said her dad died.

"You see Renee went to a game, she got his autograph for Charlie. She flirted with him and he was nice to her. The next night was another home game, so she searched him out again. She flirted and one thing led to another."

Bella took a deep breath, turned toward me and carried on.

"Anyway Renee was in love, but Phil was not. Renee began stalking him, she followed him everywhere. She would scream at girls that he was with or talking to. She even taped his phone calls and intercepted notes from other women. He was going to press charges, but dropped them when he found out that she was pregnant with me."

I could see the hurt on her face, as she told me the rest of the story.

"Renee was still in love with him and could not get over the fact that he only came to see me. I think that is why she disliked me so much. Phil showed me so much love and never gave her a second thought. In the beginning she just ignored me and left me on my own, but when Phil was there she was the loving mother."

I could really see the anguish in her eyes now, and knew this was a very painful thing for her to talk about.

"Phil took me to the park and a meadow, it was our meadow. He even tried to teach me how to play baseball, but I was not very good at it. But I was always his special girl he made sure Renee had plenty of money for me, none of which I never saw."

Thinking of how her mother deprived her of anything made me feel angry. I took a deep breath and held her hand as she continued on with her story.

"Anyway it was the week after my eighth birthday. Phil could not make it that year, Renee started going on how he had a new girlfriend. She was ranting and raving about how they would have a baby and that he did not love me anymore. I was standing outside in the backyard, it was pouring rain. I was only in my underwear and she yelling at me, because I had asked to call him. She was so busy yelling she did not hear the front door, or that someone had come in the house."

I could see that she was embarrassed to be telling me such graphic details of her childhood.

"It was my dad. He was so angry at her, he pulled me in and told me to go and pack a bag and change. I don't know what happened, but on the way back downstairs I saw that my mom was crying. She had a red had print across her face, and she kept screaming at him that he could not take me."

I could see that the aftermath of the violence she witnessed was still deeply etched in her soul.

"Any way he picked me up and put me in the car. While he drove he told over and over again that he loves me. He explained to me that he does have a girlfriend, but she was not pregnant. He then told me that he would always take care of me, and that I was going to live with him. He was planning on take a few months off, to help me get settled. That was the night that he died."

I could see the small tears trail down her cheeks. I reached up and wiped them off and caressed her skin, showing her I was there for her.

"Renee was so much worse to me after that. She kept going on about how I cost her, the love of her life. She start hitting me, and over the next four years. In that period of time she had managed to break my rib's, arm, leg and ankle."

I wanted to find this woman and beat her. How could anyone do something so traumatic to this wonderful beautiful girl?

"She completely lost her grip on reality; she thought I was a demon out to get her. She stopped taking care of herself, she didn't even bathe or eat. She started drinking heavily, and doing illegal drugs. Sometimes she even forgot that my dad was dead, because she was so out of it. She did not let me go to his funeral. To this day I have still never been to his grave, she never told me where it was." Bella sobbed out the last part.

I pulled her close to me and just held her for a few minutes.

"Bella, you do not have to go on with this right now."

"Yes I do, it will be better to get it all out now," she said.

I pulled her back away from me a little and smiled at her and again wiped away her tears. She smiled lightly at me, and started to carry on her story.

"It was grandpa who ended up saving me. He caught her when she was trying to wash the demon out of me. She had a knife to my wrist when he walked in. She was arrested and sentenced to eight years, but she isn't in prison. She is currently in a psychiatric hospital right now. They think that she was so obsessed with Phil, that she saw me as the other woman. Then he was with me when he died, so she lost it completely. She blames me for the loss of Phil, and thinks he would still be alive if not for me."

It saddened me how much Bella has been though. We all knew that Renee abused Bella. Most of us thought, or I should say heard rumors. I know I had been told long ago that Renee just left her unattended and did not feed her very often.

"Your dad saw me the first week I was in forks. He said that I would not grow much more, if at all. I would always have weak bones, because of the abuse, lack of food and sun," she said.

Bella started to laugh at this point. I cocked my head to the side, giving her a worried look.

"Yeah I lived in one of the sunniest places, but Renee only let me out to go to school. The rest of the time I had to stay in the house. She sent me to school a year early. I am not sure why she told everyone that I was a year older. She almost had me believing that I was older. I was sent to summer school too."

I am pretty sure I knew why she sent her to school early. She did not want the responsibility of taking care of this lovely girl in front of me. I have never hated anyone as much as I hated Renee right now.

"When I was home I had to stay in my room. I only got to eat when I was at school. That is because one of the lunch ladies saw that I did not eat, and asked me why. I told her I had no money, so she started to pay for my lunch. Renee could not get free lunch for me, because she had such a huge settlement from my father's estate. That money was supposed to be mine, but Renee used it on drinking and drugs. I know my dad loved me, he tried to save me twice and he end up drowning."

"Shit Bella I am so sorry, for what you had to go though."

"Edward it was not your fault, but thank you for listening to me."

"Anytime Bella," I told her.

Shit she shared so much of herself with me, maybe I can share some of myself with her.

"Bella I am sorry but I lied to you," I said.

"What do you mean Edward? When have you lied to me?"

"When you asked me what my fear was. I told you baked beans, but that is not true."

"It's okay Edward, I kind of figured that. You don't have to tell me if you don't want too."

"No I want to, it's just hard. Please just listen to me. It may take me a bit of time to tell you."

She nodded her head at me. Well here goes nothing hope full she will not run from the room screaming.

"My fear is being on my own, I mean like not having a companion. Going without someone I trust and love forever. I am not sure I can find someone who would love me, for just me." I took a deep breath and it felt like a weight removed from my shoulders as I realized saying it was half my battle. She remained silent, allowing me the time I needed to finish.

"I am not sure how I can trust that someone will not just want me for my looks." I stopped for a minute because she chuckled.

"I am sorry Edward, I am teasing. I know that you are a great looking guy, but to hear you admit it is kind of funny."

"Well it's not just my looks, but I have money, like a shit load of money. Money attracts users, and I want someone to love me and be with me because they love me not what I can give them or how I look." I sighed again, and pinched my nose.

She rubbed her hand along my back and I felt the true compassion in her touch.

"You know Bella it is more than just that, I want unconditional love. I am scared of love, because so far to me it has always held conditions. I just want that elusive unconditional love. You see when I was six, at Easter one year my mom was reading to me before bed. The story she chose was 'Kevin the Very Old Rabbit by Gordon Dioxide'." I ran my hands through my hair, but felt Bella grab my hand. I could feel that she understood this was going to be hard for me to tell.

"As she was reading the story there was a loud banging on the door. My mom quickly went to the window, and she looked frightened when she turned around. She told me to hide in the wall. You see there was a hidden panel in the closet that lead to a secret room." I got up and paced back and forth for a few minutes. Sitting back down and again facing Bella, I picked up her hand again.

"She said she would meet me in the secret room and to stay quiet. She could not fit through the closet entry, and had to enter through the pantry entrance. I was quiet and left the door open so she could get in and lock it, but she never came." I squeezed Bella's hand as she ran her other hand up my chest, and up my neck to my cheek. Just her small actions allowed me to keep going.

"I remember hearing loud noises and my mom crying. I could hear three or maybe four different male voices. I did not recognize any of the voices, except my mother. I must have been hiding there for a few hours or so, when I heard my dad. He sounded very angry and was yelling too. I stayed where I was because I was scared. I must have fallen asleep after a while, because I was stiff and sore when I was startled awake." Again I started getting fidgety, and Bella was soothing me by rubbing her hand across mine.

"I was woken by loud bangs, about six of them. I did not know then what it was, but I do now. It was gunshots. After a few hours of not hearing anything I came out. I found both my parents, they were dead. Whoever was in my house shot them each in the head and heart. I could not call for help I was too scared. Three days later, maybe more they are not sure exactly, I was found. I was severally dehydrated, and it took seven months before I spoke to anyone. I only spoke then to tell Alice to shut up," I said with a chuckle.

"Esme and Carlisle kept me home from school, and we moved to Forks. When I started school there, people thought that Alice and I were twins. Everyone assumes that I am a full blooded Cullen. Anyway apart from not talking much, I suffered mostly from nightmares. The nightmares stopped by the time I was ten, I thought I was back to being normal. Just after I turned thirteen the nightmares started again, I was very angry." I took another deep breath and ran my free hand through my hair again.

"This is embarrassing, but at thirteen I started pissing the bed from fear of the nightmares. This was the same timeframe of starting high school and meeting Aro, our great and grand principle. I started getting to so much trouble, let's just say I am not his favourite student. As the year wore on, I became the town bad boy, stealing, drinking, smoking and breaking curfew." I smirked and wiggled my eyebrows at her, trying to lighten the mood.

"I admit that about forty percent of the things they say I did was me. But I ended up taking the wrap for a bunch of shit I did not do. Things turned really bad when I was seventeen, I was drinking nearly every weekend. I was going to parties' mom and dad never knew where I was. They tried several times to talk to me, but I just pushed them away and kept them out. I was angry about so many things, I was sick of getting blamed for shit that I did not do. I really acted out and did some damaging things to get more attention. I was the one who took Aro office and transferred it to the football field. I smashed up his new car, I must admit I really liked doing that. Those things I did not get caught for though. As you know though, I have a record for actual bodily harm. Nobody from school ever asked if I did it, or why." I laughed out loud, as she shook her head.

"Edward I know for a fact that you did get into a fight, but I know that the other guy must have done something big for you to do that."

"What makes you think that? Everyone knows I have a problem with my temper."

"No you don't, you are quick to show your temper, but you don't have a problem."

I was getting pissed, "Isabella, I fail to see the difference."

"Well showing your temper, is a normal human process. Acting out because of your temper is another story. You are actually quick tempered, meaning you can quickly set your mind without much thought. Having a problem with your temper would mean that you lose it. If you had a temper problem you would solve it by going straight to the hitting, smashing or in your mind justice for the situation. I have saw you many times going into a bad mood, but not letting it overtake you. Remember when I fell on your new bike last year, knocking it over and it got that scratch on it? You didn't hit me, you didn't even shout at me, you just helped me up and asked if I was ok. Later that day you did not even give me a death glare, or say anything mean to me." She sighed as she held me face so I was looking right at her.

"Even when you're telling off the bullies, you're pretty nice. I have only witnessed you hitting one of the bullies a few times. You don't have a problem with your temper, people like Jake have temper problems."

"I never thought of it like that," I told her.

"Well you better start thinking of it like that. Anyway tell me that guy you beat up so badly, what did he do?"

"He was hitting his pregnant girlfriend, in the parking lot. He smashed her head into a car, she was bleeding badly. I only wanted to get her away from him, so she could see a doctor. When I tried to get her away from him, he tried to hit me. He was yelling things at the girl, calling her a slut. I lost it, see that is my trigger. Seeing someone getting beaten and called names, makes me so angry. One of the only reasons, I walk away in school from fights is I don't want to disappoint my parents. I get angry and want to beat up the bully, but then I see the faces of my mom and dad." I took a deep breath and held both Bella's hands.

"Sadly after I knocked him out and took the girl to the hospital, the next day I was arrested. I was charged with actual bodily harm, my dad paid the guy off to get the charges dropped. My dad lost faith in me that day, he never believed my story. He took the word of strangers over me, I don't get why the girl lied for that guy." I made circles on the back of her hands with my thumbs.

"I got sent to the therapy, I must admit it did help me some. I stopped drinking and smoking as much. Even after I calmed down, I still get the blame for shit. It is like a downhill process, and my word is never good enough or trustworthy. At one point I was being brought home by the police once a week, or the police were coming to look for me. That is why my dad thought that the police were there for me the day they came home with Alice." I chuckled, thinking of Alice being in trouble.

"Anyway I get blamed for shit and they're on my back all the time, twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. I just want to get away, so I started going to Seattle. I just have more space, and that just makes everyone get off my back. They still ask what I am doing, and where I am going. I got my own apartment in Seattle, I just hang there. I spend every other weekend there and all school holidays. I also work at one of my real fathers companies, I have been working my way up from the bottom. There is only one person at the company that knows I own it. I may be their boss, but I wouldn't call me a boss yet. I haven't told anyone in my family about this, dad never liked my father. Dad tried to get me to sell all of my father's companies when I was fifteen, but I said no. I know I should tell them, but I can't. I would love to hear my dad say he is proud of me." I shrugged my shoulders and Bella pulled me close and hugged me.

"I am proud of you," she said.

I smiled at her, as I picked her hands back up.

"I love my dad, he is a great man, but I fuck up so much and he lost his trust in me. I hate the way he looks at me now, you can see the disappointment. I got myself the bad boy reputation, which I really don't want."

"You don't have a bad reputation with everyone," Bella smiles and says.

"My therapist Peter thinks that all of this is adding to my fear of being on my own. He says because I see myself as 'un-loveable' I jump from relationship to relationship. I freak when females start to ask me things about me. I pull back and move on to the next female." I grimaced as I said this, thinking of when I told her my sordid past with women.

"Peter thinks this also why I chose older women. Older women tend to date for a while before moving to that girlfriend boyfriend stage, where high school girls tend to be there after the first date. He told me after I broke up with the last female I dated, to not date again for at least eight months. Peter said instead I was to try being more open with family and friends."

"How is that going?" Bella asked me.

"Well it has been about sixteen weeks, so half way there and you are the only person I have been able to open up to. Apart from Peter that is," I chuckled.

"Peter smith?" Bella asked

"Yes how did you know?" I asked her.

"I see him on Mondays, and since I have been here I've been calling him her every other Monday."

"What time on Mondays do you go to see him?"

"5:00," she said.

"Really? Shit I am in at 3:45. I must just miss seeing you there then. Wow that is strange," I said.

"Why don't you talk to your family about this?"

"It upsets them, hell they didn't even know about the whole bed wetting when I was thirteen. Incidentally I don't do that anymore," I said as I laugh.

"Not really sure why I don't talk to them, just don't want too close. The pain of loss is a hard thing to bear. I already feel like a fuck up for failing them by getting into trouble. Just like I feel like a fuck up for failing my parents. If only I would have called for help, instead of just sitting there waiting for help to come to me." I stopped to catch my breath, I had tears running down my face. I hated showing so much emotion. Shit couldn't believe I was crying, fuck I needed to get away. Bella did not need to see an almost fully grown man cry.

Before I could get up, Bella had moved onto my lap, and had her arms around my neck.

"Edward you were six, there was nothing you could do. You did the best thing you could have. Your mom died knowing she saved her son. Just like my dad died knowing that he saved me." She never let go of me as she spoke. She just hugged me tighter and tighter.

"I spent years thinking, if I could of just being able to swim, or if a never asked Renee to call him, but you know what I can't change what happened. I have to move on and forgive myself, so that I can live my life. I am living my life for him, and for me." She pulled back enough to look me in the eyes.

"You have to forgive yourself! You have to live for yourself and your parents, it is what they wanted. You are a good person, so you made a few mistakes. On the scale of things you're a pretty decent guy. Not very many people stick up for others, especially after they get in trouble the first few times they try to help. Most people would stop helping, but you don't." She kissed my cheek and hugged me to her again.

"You working in your fathers company at the bottom, is something not most people would do. Most would want to start at the top and boss everyone around. You show common sense, and that you care for other people. I will always be your friend and well always be there for you if you need me. Shit I'll stand by you no matter what, you are my best friend. You'll always have a place in my life," Bella told me.

"Thank you you're my best friend too," I said as I hugged back.

She kissed the top of my head we stayed there most of the night. We didn't really talk anymore, just hugged each other. Well after I know she fell asleep I lifted her and carried her to her bed. Lying her on the bed, I covered her and kissed her cheek.

"Thanks Bella, for being her for me." I whispered into her ear and kissed her once more.

I was glad that I talked to Bella and told her everything about me. She knew more than any one, except Peter. Shit I couldn't believe that Peter was right about this, now I owe him fifty bucks. Peter said I would find someone I could trust enough to open up to. I guess that went to show you to never to bet against a therapist. Maybe it just worked because it was Bella. I don't know why but I trust her with my life.

I fell asleep and I heard those voices again, but this time it wasn't my mom they are after it was Bella. I was back in the hidden room, but I couldn't get out. Bella screamed for help. I could hear them laughing and hitting her, but no matter how much I tried how far I ran I end up in this room. I need to help her save her why can't I find her. Suddenly I felt some touch me, someone whispered to me. I want to move away from it, but my body wouldn't respond. I could feel them hugging me, whispering again and again.

"You're safe, you're okay."

As I opened my eyes, there was Bella in by bed holding me.

"Hi are you ok," she said with a weak smile.

"Sorry if I woke you," I told her.

"Nope, I had my own nightmare. I was up getting a glass of water, when I thought I would see if you were awake." She looked down and blushed.

"I just wanted to sit for a bit, may get one of your hugs. They always make me feel better. You know just something to get the bad thoughts out of my head. But when I came in I saw that you too were having a nightmare. I thought I could try holding you until you woke up, or it stopped. It always works when grandpa does it for me. Do you want me to go now?"

No I needed her to stay

"What? No, you stay here. Lie with me hopefully we can help each other with nightmares. No more talking about bad stuff before bed," I smiled as I hugged her to me.

After hugging her for several minutes, Bella rolled over and had her back to me. I cuddled up and spooned into her back and covered her side with my arm. Sharing a pillow with Bella, smelling her hair, relaxed me quickly. This was the first time in my life, I felt completely safe. Cuddled up to her, I knew she felt safe too. As our breathing became more rhythmic, I thought about how nice this really was and we fell asleep.

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