Chapter 7
Mr. Bennet's property consisted almost entirely of a broken Tag Heuer watch which one of Lydia's ex boyfriends had mugged somebody and which she has subsequently given her father as a birthday present. Unfortunately the glass face got smashed during the mugging and it had never worked since but, rather like Eeyore being thrilled with his empty honey pot and burst balloon, Mr. Bennet declared the watch his best present ever and it had never been off his wrist ever since, other than when he had a visit from the Old Bill. He also owned a stained, ill fitting suit from Burton Man and his late mother's set of false teeth. What he did not own, unfortunately for his daughters, were the deeds to his flat. These belonged to a distant cousin of theirs called Colin. This was because Mr. Bennet was a compulsive gambler and one night when drunk and stressed because the debt collectors were on his back he had agreed to sign over the deeds to his property in return for a £1,000 from Colin. Mrs. Bennet had a bit of money of her own from her part time cleaning job but most of that went on fags, booze, scratch cards and bingo.
Longbourn tower was only quarter of a mile from Meryton tower; a most convenient distance for the young ladies, who were usually tempted thither three or four times a week, to pay their duty to their aunt, and to an Anne Summers shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were particularly frequent in these attentions; their minds were more vacant than their sisters', and when nothing better offered, a walk to Meryton tower was necessary to amuse their morning hours and furnish conversation for the evening; and however bare of news the country in general might be, they always contrived to learn some from their aunt. At present, indeed, they were well supplied both with news and happiness by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood; it was to remain the whole winter, and Meryton tower was the head quarters.
Their visits to Mrs. Philips were now productive of the most interesting intelligence. Every day added something to their knowledge of the squaddies' names and connections. Their lodgings were not long a secret, and at length they began to know the squaddies themselves. Mr. Philips visited them all, and this opened to his nieces a source of felicity unknown before. They could talk of nothing but squaddies; and Mr. Bingley's large lunch pack, the mention of which gave animation to their mother, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.
After listening one morning to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Bennet coolly observed,
``You must be two of the silliest cows in England. ''
Catherine was disconcerted, and made no answer; but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Private Carter, and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day, as he was going the next morning to London.
``Fuck's sake,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``they're your bleedin kids, ya know. Funny that, must take after you, innit. ''
``Call a spade a spade is how I see it.''
``Actually, they're all really clever so fuck off and live somewhere else if you don't like 'em.''
``I ain't having that. The two youngest are fucking fools. I think it's because you was on the gin the whole time you was up the duff with them.''
``Excuse me?" Mrs. Bennet was most indignant, "It weren't gin, it was Bacardi. Get it right, arsewipe. Anyhow, you can't 'spect young girls not to think about shagging squaddies. When they get all old and go through the change and stuff they'll probably lose interest. Look at me, when I was a young girl I was well up for shagging a squaddie and I would be again if I didn't have an arthritic hip, swollen ankles and a minge you could park a car in. I think, when I was younger, I even shagged a few red coats when I was staying at Butlins. And so no, I don't mind if me youngest want to shag some squaddies. At least he's earning so they'll get maintenance and if he's away fighting in Afghanistan or such like then they've got the freedom to shag whoever else they want. I thought Sergeant Forster looked well fit in his uniform the other night. He can ask me to bend down in the parade ground anytime.''
``Mum,'' cried Lydia, ``my aunt says that Sergent Forster and Private Carter do not go so often to Miss Watson's as they did when they first came. They've probably worn her out cos she don't put on her red light so much now days. She sees now they mostly go to Wetherspoons and just stand around and get pissed.''
Mrs. Bennet was prevented replying by Jane's mobile going off. It was a text from Netherfield tower. Mrs. Bennet's eyes sparkled with pleasure, and she was eagerly calling out, while her daughter read,
``Wots it say? Jane? For fuck's sake read it out before I clump you! ''
``It's from Caroline,'' said Jane, and then read it aloud.
``Hiya,
Do U want to come over for take away? I was finking Chinese. Me and Louisa R well bored. I'm gonna drop kick her in a mo LOL. I fucking hate the bitch LOL. My bruv is having Macky D wiv the squaddies innit. Such a fucking gay tosser LOL. C U L8R. Respect."
``With the squaddies!'' cried Lydia. ``Fucking aunt, always gets it wrong.''
``Well, you ain't having my bus pass,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``so tough shit, you'll have to walk.''
``Can I have you nicked Oyster card, Lydia?'' said Jane.
``No, ya lazy cow. Fucking get off your arse and walk. With any luck it'll piss it down and then you'll have to stay the night. If he tries to use a condom just shove a pin through it when he ain't looking. ''
``Good idea,'' said Elizabeth, ``apart from the fact that he could drive her home.''
``Na, cos they'll have the car at Mac Donalds, innit.''
``Just give me your fucking bus pass.''
Jane was unsuccessful in gaining her mother's bus pass and was therefore obliged to walk, and her mother attended her to the door with many cheerful prognostics of a bad day. Her hopes were answered; Jane had not been gone long before it rained hard. Her sisters were uneasy for her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued the whole evening without intermission; Jane certainly could not come back.
``Fucking brilliant!'' said Mrs. Bennet. Breakfast was scarcely over the next morning when a text came from Jane to Elizabeth:
``Sis,
OMFG - Gone and fucking caught a cold innit. Well fucked off! They're got some dodgy Indian doctor coming to see me. So pissed off, yeah. Laters."
``Well, if she fucking dies,'' said Mr. Bennet to his wife, ``I'm fucking blaming you.''
``It's just a fucking cold you wanker! Fuck's sake. ''
Elizabeth, feeling really anxious, was determined to go to her, though the carriage was not to be had; and as she was no horse-woman, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.
``Don't be a silly cow,'' cried her mother, ``But if you do go wear a skimpy T-shirt and no bra cos it's still raining.''
``Fuck off mum.''
``Just for that, you ain't having my bus pass.''
``I don't give a shit. I'm gonna walk anyway.''
``But is the result,'' observed Mary, ``worth the effort?''
``We will go as far as Meryton tower with you,'' said Catherine and Lydia. - Elizabeth accepted their company, and the three young ladies set off together.
``Fucking hurry up,'' said Lydia, as they walked along, ``I wanna try and see Private Carter before he finishes his fillet o'fish.''
In Meryton they parted; the two youngest repaired to the lodgings of one of the squaddies' wives, and Elizabeth continued her walk alone, crossing muddy waste land at a quick pace, jumping over abandoned shopping trollies and springing over puddles of urine with impatient activity, and finding herself at last within view of the tower, with weary ankles, dirty fishnet stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise.
She was shown into the kitchen diner, where all but Jane were assembled, and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. - That she should have walked three miles so early in the day, in such dirty weather, and by herself, was almost incredible to Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley; and Elizabeth was convinced that they held her in contempt for it. She was received, however, very politely by them; and in their brother's manners there was something better than politeness; there was good humour and kindness. - Mr. Darcy said very little, and Mr. Hurst nothing at all. The former was divided between admiration of the brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion, and doubt as to the occasion's justifying her coming so far alone. The latter was thinking only of his breakfast.
Her enquiries after her sister were not very favourably answered. Miss Bennet had slept ill, and though up, was very feverish and not well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately; and Jane, who had only been withheld by the fear of giving alarm or inconvenience, from expressing in her note how much she longed for such a visit, was delighted at her entrance. She was not equal, however, to much conversation, and when Miss Bingley left them together, could attempt little beside expressions of gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was treated with. Elizabeth silently attended her.
When breakfast was over, they were joined by the sisters, and Elizabeth began to like them herself, when she saw how much affection and solicitude they showed for Jane. Dr. Patel came, and having examined his patient, said, as might be supposed, that she had caught a violent cold, and that they must endeavour to get the better of it; advised her to return to bed, and promised her some draughts. The advice was followed readily, for the feverish symptoms increased, and her head ached acutely. Elizabeth did not quit her room for a moment, nor were the other ladies often absent; the gentlemen being out, they had in fact nothing to do elsewhere.
When the clock struck three, Elizabeth felt that she must go; and very unwillingly said so. Miss Bingley offered her a cab, and she only wanted a little pressing to accept it, when Jane testified such concern in parting with her that Miss Bingley was obliged to convert the offer of a cab into an invitation to remain at Netherfield tower for the present. Elizabeth most thankfully consented, and an illegal was dispatched to Longbourn tower to acquaint the family with her stay, and bring back a supply of Britney Spears CDs.
