Heyes returned from the clinic and climbed the steps up to his little third floor room emotionally exhausted. Yet he felt better than he had thought possible. While Beth hadn't exactly wound up in his arms, she had confirmed that she still cared about him and respected him. She neither hated nor despised him as Heyes had so feared. This was a comfort past words for the reformed outlaw. Yet Beth was still afraid, that was clear enough. But was she afraid more of Heyes or of herself?
Even though he did not come from Beth's segment of society and he did not understand all of the rules she felt bound by, Heyes could understand at least some of the reasons why she was reluctant to get seriously involved with him. He represented violence and danger far past the bounds of any conceivable propriety. Beth had to consider not only her own safety and her standing in society, but also the security and needs of her students and her family.
For an upstanding professional lady like Beth, the only permissible outcome for a serious courtship was marriage. There were no two ways about that. And she knew well that Heyes couldn't possibly ask anyone to marry him until the amnesty came through, if it ever did. Mrs. Hannibal Heyes? It wasn't a very enviable name at the moment – any more than Mr. Hannibal Heyes was. Like the Kid, Heyes was trapped in a cycle of threat and uncertainty. Cat Christy, out on the frontier, came from a place and a society where it was on the far edge of possibility for an unmarried man and woman to live together. In the saloon, people accepted the relationship, but Miss Christy and Mr. Jones were not welcomed in church and the wives of wealthy mine owners and other social leaders in the community would not speak to them. For Beth Warren, making such a challenge to social rules was utterly impossible. Such behavior would lose her not only her job but any standing or security in society. And even a more formal and proper courtship would turn to disaster if word ever got out that the man in the relationship was a notorious outlaw.
No, Heyes did not blame Beth for trying to keep him at arm's length. This necessary distance hurt him horribly, but now he had good evidence that it hurt her as well. He had seen the tears in her eyes. He didn't want to cause this woman pain, but he could not figure out anything that he could do that would fail to hurt her. To stay or to go, to speak or to be silent, any choice would hurt them both.
Heyes was unsure what to do next. He still wanted to court Beth and he did not know if there was any socially possible way for him to do so. Surely, if it was at all possible, it would be a very different sort of courtship than he had ever experienced. He waited for some time for Beth to contact him, but he never heard a word. Surely Dr. Leutze would have given her his address? Three long, lonely, hard-working weeks after he had seen Beth at the Leutze clinic, Heyes finally could stand the silence no longer. He visited the clinic on a Monday. Polly welcomed him with quiet concern. She handed him a note and told him, "This is for you from Beth. If we had had your address, she could have sent the letter, but Dr. Leutze refused to give us your address. I am very curious about why, but of course that is your own business, Joshua. So Beth just left the note for you."
"Left?" asked Heyes. Then he opened the little missive and saw the explanation. Beth had written the note two days after his previous visit.
"Dear Joshua Smith -
My aunt Sadie McElroy has fallen ill and is expected to take many months in recovering, if she is able to recover. As you know, she and her sister raised my sister Barbara and me. We are very close. My aunt Bertha is too elderly and infirm herself to care for her sister without help, and my sister has her own family to care for. So I am going to Bethesda immediately to nurse my aunt. I am giving my students at the Leutze clinic over to other teachers until further notice. I will be glad to communicate with you by letter at this address: 6 Elm Street, Bethesda, Maryland. I will be cautious in what I write. Please write to me when you can. Work hard and make me proud of you, Joshua.
Yours sincerely,
Elizabeth Warren"
"On no! Beth!" cried Heyes, just as if Beth could hear him. He grieved deeply for her. Having lost his own family almost completely when he was so young, he had a keen appreciation for the importance of close relatives. A second cousin was all he had left – the Kid, of course – who meant as much to him as any brother ever could have. There were a couple of people who were technically relatives but who had sworn that they would shoot him out of sheer principal if they ever saw him again. But he hardly counted those are true relations.
So Heyes and Beth would have to put their own questions aside for a while. Their problems were not ones that could be worked out by letter, but at least a sort of contact could continue. For a single lady to give a single man permission to write was, in those days, a significant social step. Heyes was not sure exactly how significant and in what way, so he tried not to read too much into it. He wished he could find a woman to ask about these things. He had always asked Beth herself such questions! In any case, Beth would be too distracted by caring for her aunts to think much about Heyes, he felt sure. But she would also be feeling isolated and lonely by now. So he wrote to her, buoyed up by her closing. "Yours sincerely" could be just an old-fashioned convention – but Heyes felt certain that it was not in this instance. To him it held an important message. Could it be that she wanted to truly be his?
When Heyes got back to his room he held the little note on plain white paper up to his heart and then kissed it tenderly. It was a good thing the Kid wasn't there to tease him! Heyes so agonized over composing a letter to Beth that he was a little late for his next class – something that he had never previously allowed to happen. And since he did not truly understand how Beth felt about him, and she was in a situation where her own considerations must come a distant second, he could not possibly risk writing her a frank love letter. She would have concluded very rightly that he was a selfish and inconsiderate dolt. He sweated over how to address her. He finally chose her lovely first name but not her nick name, as a decent step up in intimacy without going too far. It would invite her to be more familiar with him, as well. He considered the closing very carefully. However, he finally decided that nothing would be gained by being coy. He only wished that he could dare to be as bold in the text. Letters in those days were so firmly hedged around with proprieties that Heyes felt his true feelings were very badly constrained by the form.
"Dear Elizabeth-
My apologies for being so slow in writing. I have only just received yours of October 10th. I am very sorry to hear of your aunt's illness. I hope that she will improve well under your loving care. It will surely be a great comfort for both of your aunts to have you with them. Thank you very much for writing. I would have worried very much had I not heard from you. I am working hard at my studies and hope to make you proud. My mid-term exams and papers have all earned grades of A or A plus. Please write to me whenever you have the time and attention to do so. As usual, I will depart for Colorado in December after the end of exams. You may write to me there and my current address is attached. I am sorry not to have given it to you previously, but you will understand my reasons, which have much to do with your own security. I miss you very much.
Love,
Joshua"
Heyes felt as nervous as any lovelorn teenager as he posted this letter, with its shy declaration of his affections all but camouflaged in a single word he had never in his life dared to say to any woman except his mother.
Heyes threw himself into his studies, but he was always conscious of waiting for Beth's reply. He was also corresponding with the Kid, having sent a coded message to say that the Tryon threat seemed to be a false one and that there was someone else who might pose a threat, but only a distant one. The Kid sent back encouragement for Heyes' freedom and studies, both.
Two weeks later, a brief letter arrived from Beth.
"Dear Joshua-
Your kind letter arrived at a moment when I needed it very much. Both of my aunts are now ill and I am hard put to care for them as well as they need. When I am not cooking or nursing believe me I am praying. Therefore you will understand why I can write so seldom and only so briefly. The patience and goodness of both my aunts is inspirational, but I feel isolated with no time to step out of the house for more than the briefest of shopping trips. Your letter makes me feel much less lonely.
I think of you often and am very glad to hear that your studies are going well. You sounded so ill when you visited before that it worried me very much. I hope that your excellent grades indicate that you recovered fully in my absence. Please write and tell me how you are. Keep studying hard, but be sure to take some time for your own welfare and satisfaction. You are very much worth it.
Yours sincerely,
Beth"
Heyes searched every line of the little note over and over for every minutest sign of how the writer felt about him. It seemed to him to be full of very positive signs. She had signed with her nick name, which was another step up in intimacy, but she had not stated any affections. Her wording that he had recovered in her absence hinted that she felt bad for having hurt him and felt he might do better without her. Yet Heyes kept reading extra words into the spaces between the lines, fantasizing about what Beth would truly have liked to have said. He would have to be circumspect in his reply. Patience and caution would be required in this slow, long distance courtship. And romance must never lead what he had to say – since it was far from Beth's highest priority at the moment. Her love for her family must come first. But he could not keep from expressing his affection.
"Dear Beth-
You are so strong a soul – I know you can do all that you must for your aunts. Yet it upsets me to think of how difficult this is for you. How can you ask me to take time for myself when you have no time for yourself? I wish so much that I could be there to help you. Say the word and I will come. But perhaps I am not exactly the company you want for your poor dear aunts. Most of my nursing experience has been confined to bullet holes in my partner, I'm afraid.
My speech totally recovered, as least to its previous level, as soon as I understood how you felt. Yes, Beth, you have the power to rob me of speech – but also to restore it again. Dr. Leutze has been able to help me to continue improving my writing facility, which is being a great help with my verbal subjects. I am taking German this semester, hoping to be able in future to write to some of the leading mathematicians in Germany and Austria and Switzerland. My acquaintance with vernacular Yiddish is being a great help in that. I feel that I am doing well in all subjects, but I am working hard now as exams approach.
I think of you all the time and the last lines of your last letter are often in my thoughts. If you find me worthwhile, then that is all that I can ask. Please write again as soon as you are able. I am eager always to know what your life is like. Please let me know if ever there is anything I can do to help. Jim sends his regards, and I send all my love.
Your own, Joshua"
Was he being too bold? Heyes waited two more weeks to the end of the semester and no letter came. He completed the semester, with a series of brilliant papers and exams. There was still no letter from Beth. Heyes worried. Had he said too much in his letter and offended Beth, or had one of her aunts taken a turn for the worse? As he got on the train to go out to Colorado after exams were over Heyes thought of going south instead of west. But he decided that having a notorious outlaw show up at her aunts' nice little house in the Washington, D.C., suburbs would hardly please Beth.
