Hard to Remember, Impossible to Forget

Chapter Six


Elena knew that was it. That was the moment she had been waiting since she arrived in New York. While she gave her father space and never pressured or even as much mentioned the need for them to talk about how long she was going to pretend to be Katherine, she had wanted to have this conversation since she found out her sister wouldn't wake up. But then she met Damon and saw how much he loved her sister and how he could potentially love her too and she started to feel like she wanted to be loved by him. It was a feeling she would definitely be comfortable and more than happy with. But her mother was right. She would probably question his feelings and feel guilty for lying to him for a lifetime. And if she ever got guilty enough to confess her lies she was positive he would hate her. She knew what she had to do. She knew what the right thing to do was and based on John's face he also knew it. But just because her head told her what was right it didn't mean her heart didn't feel almost sad about it. She felt slightly disappointed and upset and although she wasn't entitled to feel this way about him, she just did.

"Come inside," she suggested stepping aside for him to enter her bedroom.

"I talked to Giuseppe today," John spoke as soon as he stepped inside, his back was still turned to her.

"About?" she asked slightly confused.

"I told him everything. What I asked you to do, what you agreed with and what it became. The Salvatores are people I really cherish and treasure, Elena. I can't deceive them like that," John explained and Elena felt her knees giving up under her. She moved to her bed and sat, bringing her hand to her heart, trying to recover her breath that suddenly vanished from her lungs.

"Did you also tell Damon?" she asked quietly, still having breathing issues. Her worst nightmare was coming to life. She already knew Damon should know but if anyone should tell him, it should be her.

"I wouldn't do it, Elena. I know I dragged you into this and I wouldn't do it behind your back. But Giuseppe is my friend and I owed him the truth. We talked about what we think should be done from now on. We can't keep lying," he added reaching for her hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Does Giuseppe hate me?" her voice cracked. She already expected a horrible answer but she trusted her father's honesty not to lie to her about it.

"Of course not, Elena. If he had to hate someone that would be me. I was the one who came up with this crazy idea. He knows that. I don't know if Damon talked about his mother with you, but Cecilia died two years ago and Giuseppe knows how it feels to lose your family although nothing compares to losing a son. I loved Jenna more than everything and I believe she was the person I loved the most in my life, more even than Katherine. But somehow you feel like when you get married you know one of you will die first so although devastating it isn't totally unexpected but I lost Jenna too soon. Yet losing a son or a daughter is something no parent ever thinks could happen," he explained and she finally felt like she could somehow breathe normally again although her heart still broke for her father.

"He didn't mention her. I suppose that's not something he likes to talk about," Elena suggested and although she had no clue if her guess corresponded to the reality that was how she felt about Damon. If he loved Katherine like that she could only imagine how his mother had been important to him and that made her think that talking about Cecilia was probably something Damon avoided, even with Katherine.

"That's probably true," John nodded.

"So what did Giuseppe say?" she asked curious but also fearing for the oldest Salvatore's reaction. She knew how Isobel would react if she found out Matt was deceiving Elena anyhow and this time she wasn't far from the truth.

"He wants it to end, but he also wants to make things easier for Damon," John explained and she looked at him confused. There was nothing they could do to make it easier for him. The woman he loved was barely surviving through the many machines that kept her in the living world and the woman he spent the last few days was a stranger that lied to him. There was nothing that would make the reality less hurting and cruel to Damon and she felt devastated for him already.

"I don't understand. What did he say?" she asked anxiously. Although it meant she was lying to one less person she was still very worried about what Giuseppe would suggest and really think of her. Maybe in respect of John he didn't say everything he thought about her and that situation. After all John was about to lose a daughter and his old friend was probably sensitive enough to know that as much as what John did was wrong, he was hurting a lot. But she was a different story. Nobody knew how she felt about her father and sister. People would just assume that as she never met them they probably didn't mean anything to Elena but it was absolutely far from truth. She loved her father and sister even when they couldn't love her.

"He wants you to keep pretending to be Katherine for a while but only to give you time to break up with Damon in a reliable and not contrived way. He thinks that if Damon loses Katherine as a fiancée before losing her forever it'll make things easier for him. I think we owe it to Damon to at least try. He doesn't even need to know you were ever here, Elena. You break up with him in a week or two and after a couple more weeks I'll let him know about Katherine's accident but I won't let him know it's recent. I'll ask confidentiality about the admission date and we'll figure out some way to make her injuries seem more recent," John explained and Elena actually had to take a deep breath to see if she could understand what her father's suggestion was.

"So Giuseppe thinks it's better for Damon to hurt twice? Because he'll hurt when I break up with him and he'll definitely hurt when he sees Katherine. It makes everything much more cruel if you ask me," she protested as soon as she finally understood all of the repercussions that decision would bring to Damon.

"Stefan also disagreed but at least he'll be more prepared..." John started but Elena cut him off promptly.

"Stefan knows?"

"He overheard me telling the truth to Giuseppe but he ended up agreeing with the plan. Damon may be blindly in love with your sister but even a blind person can see how different you two are. You have a lot in common Elena. It's incredible how much you look alike - physically you're almost the same size and you have the same hair and haircut. You both approach life very objectively although you seem to allow yourself to dream more than Katherine ever did. You both have the same energy and on the rare occasions I've seen you laughing it was as if Katherine was in front of me. The way you brush your hair away, the way you walk around. Sometimes I find myself being confused, I feel like I need to pinch myself and tell me this is a dream and the girl across from me now is indeed Katherine. You resemble her in more ways than not, but those few things that distinguish you from Katherine makes all the difference to Damon. You're you, and you're a cheerful, lovely and loving girl. You exhale warmness and explicit caring and it sets you and Katherine apart but Damon doesn't know Kat had a twin sister. In his world someone has simply brainwashed you and he liked the changes. Giuseppe told me so. Damon is embracing this new caring girlfriend that is so open to love and to affection like it was his dream coming true. The longer you keep this going on, the more he'll hurt because Katherine will never come back and if for some miracle she does, she's not you and she would be who she has been since she lost Jenna and it'd hurt Damon all over again. He's more attached to you than he might have ever been to Katherine because Kat was a detached person. She didn't attach and she didn't let people attach her either. He'll miss you more than her, but he doesn't need to know about you. He doesn't need to hate you in the process, daughter," John said and Elena momentarily forgot about all the words her father said and kept only the last one. It was the first time he addressed her as his daughter and she felt her eyes welling up right away.

"But then what?" she asked trying to refrain herself from crying.

"Then maybe you could think of a new haircut or hair color and I could introduce you at some point to them. I don't want you to leave, Elena. It hurts me so much that ever since Isobel gave birth to you and your sister I always had to lose a daughter in order to have the other and I'm so sorry you're finally here because of what happened to Katherine and not because I tried to fix this cruel situation we had going on. At first I thought Isobel should keep you and I should keep Katherine and pretend that she only had you and I only had your sister because it would be easier to everybody but especially to you. I didn't want you to wonder why I let you go and kept Katherine. It wasn't even me who made that choice. Jenna decided Isobel should keep one of you and Isobel chose you and of course I didn't want to hurt Katherine with this either. I thought as kids it would be better if you never knew about each other's existences. But you were both already adults and I should have contacted you. I should have let you know that letting you go was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and that there wasn't a day that I didn't think of you, that I didn't want you to be here with us. I couldn't regret what I did. Jenna was kind enough to let me have a baby with another woman, I couldn't be selfish with her and Isobel when she was the most selfless wife a man could ask. I don't have a right to regret but it doesn't mean I didn't hurt every day of those twenty-one years," John poured his heart to his daughter, his tears showing how it hurt her father to be away from her.

"Oh, John," Elena brought her arms to envelop her father, "I never blamed you; I never thought you didn't want me though I did wander why you never contacted me. I knew someday you would contact me and I also wished it wasn't under such circumstances because I also wanted to be with her. Only God knows how much I wanted to be with Katherine," Elena completed and she felt her heart sinking in her chest. it seemed like only now she was finally accepting that Katherine wouldn't wake up, that she wouldn't have to pretend to be her until she woke up maybe in a couple of months. It was sinking in that Katherine was already gone, only kept breathing for the sake of the ones that were not ready to let her go yet.

"And that's the big lie I need to let go, Elena. You're not Katherine and although you've been here for only a few days, it's been enough for me to know that you're not Katherine. That you will never fill the void she left. You filled the void I had for never having you in my life. When you arrived I needed you here because I needed to have Katherine with me somehow. I needed to feel that my daughter wasn't almost gone forever. But no matter how much you looked the same, wore the same clothes and even share some of her gestures as she speaks, laughs or eat, all I could see was you," he offered as he also wrapped his arms around his daughter and let the tears soak her dress.

They stayed hugging each other for a couple of minutes until Elena finally broke it and looked at him, their eyes red and starting to look puffy. "Can I call you something other than John?" she asked quietly and John was touched by the sensibility of his daughter. She knew how hard this situation with Katherine was on him and still she worried if her need to call him her father wouldn't be overwhelming to him, now that he had almost lost the only daughter he'd known for twenty-one years.

"Of course you can," he smiled briefly.

Elena was in a turmoil of emotions. She finally had the conversation she was looking to have with her father and she heard him tell the words she wanted to hear her whole life. But even though she finally heard them, John was right. It was painful and cruel that it had to happen at the expense of Katherine being in that situation. She wanted a relationship with Katherine as much as she wanted it with john, if not more. Isobel, although an excellent mother, spent a lot of time out of the house. First she went to college when Elena was three, and then there was her mastering and the job she resumed at John's company. Elena spent a lot of time alone and she fantasized about her sister being with her. Isobel told Elena about Katherine when she was still a child and instead of having an invisible friend, Elena interacted with her 'sister' all the time, pretending Katherine was there with her. She felt it wasn't fair. She was positive Katherine wouldn't be as receptive as John was because her sister didn't let people into her heart, but still she would have liked to have time to try. Maybe Katherine could find comfort in Elena for losing the only other woman reference in her life and while sisters couldn't replace mothers, she could find a friend in Elena just like she probably had in Jenna.

"I want to visit Katherine, Dad," she finally spoke after thinking and lamenting all those things over.

John was taken aback by what she said. He didn't expect something like that but on the little he knew about his older daughter he should have anticipated her request. And then there was also the way she said 'dad' as if the word was being said from her heart, not from her lips and a bittersweet curl showed on his face before he nodded, not being able to actually say the word because it was an overflow of emotions John wasn't used to. He didn't deal with emotions very well and there were a lot of them going on in the last couple of weeks. They led him to make a lousy mistake by asking Elena to pretend to be Katherine but he couldn't regret it entirely as it gave him a chance to be around Elena and that was one of the biggest gifts he had received in his whole life.

There was one more hug between father and daughter and after an exhausting day they were both headed to a good night of sleep. Although Elena knew a shower or at least a bath would help her relax, she just wanted her bed. She felt emotionally drained and somehow it sucked all her physical energy too. Both conversations kept replaying in her mind, especially the one with her father. She knew a decision had been made and she only had to go along with it, there wasn't much she could do about it. She still didn't think that being with Damon and breaking up with him would save him any pain. You don't stop loving someone in a few weeks although she had no experience on forgetting the love of her life. But those thoughts were soon replaced with those for her sister.


She was still thinking about how difficult it was going to be to see Katherine when her phone rang. She knew it was Damon because of the special ringtone she set for him and she promptly answered, not realizing she was still crying and her voice hoarse.

"Hello," she said and Damon didn't need another word to know she was crying.

"Kat, are you crying?" he asked stunned because it was the first time he had ever seen, or heard for that matter, his fiancée crying, "What happened? Is everything okay with John?" he asked preoccupied.

"Nothing is okay, Damon. Life is so unfair," she opened up before even thinking about it. She was tired of having to be rational, of being in the net of lies she created. She was just vulnerable, emotional and deeply hurt for she was grieving her sister's loss for the first time. If anything she could tell him the whole truth or bluntly break up with him just like John had suggested.

"But what happened?" he panicked and didn't think twice before looking for his wallet and car's keys. He was already in his pajamas for the night, which was actually sweatpants and an old t-shirt but he wouldn't allow her to be alone if she was crying and admitting her pain. Both were a first for Katherine and he wanted to be there for her.

"My sister is dying. I have a sister. John had a daughter and I've known about her for a while and she got herself into an accident and she's dying and there's nothing I can do about it. I've always dreamed about meeting her and having a relationship with her and it's been a few weeks since the accident but I guess the reality of this only sank in now. I'll never have a chance to be a sister, to have a sister. It's not fair, this is just unfair," she kept crying and although she had some control over the truths and the lies she was telling him at that moment, it would have been better if she just kept her mouth shut. But she knew this subject was very painful for both her father and mother because of the daughter they were about to lose. She knew she couldn't open up to them so who was there for her? Damon loved her sister and he thought she was her and for a moment she wanted to be selfish.

"You have a sister? I can't imagine John ever cheating on your mother," Damon stopped in his tracks to digest that piece of information. He was absolutely shocked about what his fiancée had just told him.

"It doesn't matter Damon. He's hurting and I'm trying my best to be there for him, but who is going to be there for me? This is just a big mess and I'm in the middle of it. Everything affects me and there are so many things happening at the same time. I should be concerned about fixing the mess I am in but I can't. I'm losing a sister before I even had a chance to have one. It hurts, it sucks, it's breaking me and I only made things worse," Elena broke down crying. Despite all the tears she shed while talking to her parents it was the first time she was really clear and open about her feelings, without stopping her from saying anything because it could hurt who was listening. She was tired of having to mix her own needs and her loved ones'. And that was why she wanted to be selfish now, plain selfish and use all comfort Damon could bring though she should feel sick for deceiving him like that. She was grieving the imminent loss of her sister who was actually his fiancée, who he should also be grieving but right now she couldn't feel guilty for lying to him. She just needed to feel better. She just needed for someone to be there for her and for her to forget all the horrible things she'd done the last few days. She never planned to hurt Damon or to deceive him to steal him from Katherine or just have him when her sister was gone. She would trade Damon for Katherine any day. Her sister was more important than any man would ever be, no matter how dreamy the prince could be.

"Kat, there's no way you could have made it worse," Damon offered resuming his movements again and rushing down the stairs, he headed to the garage to get into his car and go to her house. It wasn't a far ride and he hoped she wouldn't object to his presence.

"I hate this, Damon. I hate everything about this. Of course I can't hate my father and I can't hate you but I hate this situation and I hate myself for the decisions I've made. I just… I never wanted to hurt anyone… I just wanted to help, to make everyone feel better and I might end up hurting everyone I care about and love," she added and the sobs that she was bravely holding back were now breaking through her lips and she just wanted to curl up on her bed and cry for her sister, for her mistakes, for her father and mother, for herself and for Damon. How could her life become so horrible in a couple of weeks?

Damon thought she wasn't making any sense. He was still very surprised about John's possible unfaithfulness but like Katherine just said, it didn't matter. His girl needed him and he wanted to be there for her. He blamed her guardedness for handling this situation so badly to the point where she blamed herself when he was positive there was nothing she could have done that would have led her to have her sister dying, especially because according to her she never really met that sister in the first place. Unless she was feeling guilty for being emotionally and even physically unavailable to her sister. It was probably that and he knew nothing he could say would help her.

"What are her chances, dear?" he was tentative in the pet name thing. Katherine hated those things and although he was compelled to use the sweetest words to talk to her right now he was afraid it would cause more bad than good.

"As far as I know the doctors saying she has any chances at all is a formality. She won't wake up. The family is just trying to get over it before unplugging the machines. But how can you accept your daughter died and say the word to the doctors?" Elena asked and she was so distracted that she didn't realize the noise of Damon's door being closed nor him starting the engine.

"I'm so sorry, Kat," he quietly added. He didn't want to say a lot over the phone. He preferred to talk to her when he could look at her eyes, embrace her in a comforting hug and rub her hair.


Damon sped up on the gas and that was probably why he made it so quickly to her house. No longer after ten minutes later he was calling her again after she had apologized for not being in the mood for having their daily phone conversation and hung up, thanking him for listening.

"Hello," Elena answered the phone for the second time that night and she thought what would have led him to call her again when she dismissed him just a few minutes ago.

"Go downstairs and open the door to me, Kat," he softly added and Elena simply closed her eyes and let the tears fall. He was there for her, even if she didn't ask, he was there for her and she was thankful for his love for her sister.

"Okay," she answered quietly and taking a robe, she covered her sister's silk pajamas and headed downstairs.

The moment she swung the door opened he brought her into his arms, without saying anything or asking for permission. He barely had time to register how devastated she looked but the glimpse he had was enough to want to hug her pain away and hold her for the rest of his life.

She let herself cry against his chest, quickly soaking his shirt, while he just rubbed her hair with one hand and kept the other wrapped around her waist. Soon he was also finding it difficult to keep his composure because of her painful crying. Even if he had never met that woman in his life before he knew his eyes would struggle to stay dry because of her. Her pain was too evident for any human to remain unaffected. But that was the woman he loved, the woman he wanted to make his wife so it did more than just wet his eyes. It actually made him shed those tears and feel like a part of his heart was breaking with every sob.

Elena didn't register anything else other than his arms enveloping her small frame and when she felt them she just let go of the little pain she was still holding back. She just cried, over and over for everything that went incredibly wrong in her life the last two weeks but above all Katherine's condition. She had cried for her mother, father and even herself but now she was crying almost solely for her sister. They were only twenty-one year old. They had a life to live ahead of them but now her sister was sentenced to be in coma for the rest of her life and that could mean one more day, one more year or more years than Elena would live herself.

Damon felt his fiancée shaking in his arms and he knew the standing position they kept for the past minutes would wear her down even more. He didn't suggest to move them, he didn't ask anything, he just let the hand on her hair go down to her thighs and gently he scooped her up, bridal style, turning around to lock the door the best he could with both of his hands busy carrying her body before heading to her bedroom.

He closed the door behind him to avoid waking up John or attracting the attention of any of the employees. He gently laid her on her bed, carefully removing her robe, before pulling a chair near her bed to be close to her. As soon as she felt the mattress under her she curled her body into a fetal position and Damon actually had to bite his lip to refrain some of his emotions. He was so lost about what to do with her. He wanted more than anything to take her pain away although he didn't have any idea of how to do it but he felt absolutely powerless when he found out he didn't have a clue on how to at least comfort her.

"Do you want me to make you some tea or get you some medicine? Maybe call your father or a doctor?" he asked quietly and softly but her only response was to shake her head yet through her puffy eyes she could see how devastated he looked. It seemed like he would give everything he had just to help her in that moment and that somehow offered her some comfort. She took a breath as deep as much as she could manage to do in that moment and tried to control her tears and emotions. It wasn't fair to make him hurt because of her pain.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked a minute later seeing how she was trying to breathe more calmly. He brushed her damp hair from her face, caressing her while he did it, leading her to close her eyes and try to focus on his touch.

She nodded quietly but didn't say anything. He kept his ministrations, giving her time to recover enough to talk again and he had control the urgency he had to bring her to his arms again and rock her as if she was a three-year old who lost her puppy. He knew losing a sister couldn't compare but he still remembered how desolated and devastated Stefan was when they lost their dog Spaghetti when his brother was only three.

After almost half an hour she nodded again and he knew she was ready to start talking. She moved from her fetal position to sit against the headboard and was comforted to find his hand holding hers and squeezing it.

"I've known about her for a while. I knew I didn't have a right to just go after her and get myself an introduction and maybe have a chance to be part of her life. I felt if she wanted it she would have contacted me somehow but now all I can feel is that I should have ignored my fear of rejection and come… now… there's… nothing… I can… do…" she started to cry again and he moved from his position in the chair to sit on the edge of her bed, his side almost touching the headboard and Elena didn't wait another second before letting her head rest on his chest.

"You… we… could pray for her," he offered not knowing what else to say. There wasn't only pain for the impending loss of her sister. He could see how she felt guilty about never contacting the only sibling and any other family she had in addition to her father. He only felt her nodding against his body as she tried to control her emotions again.

"I never wanted to hurt anyone…" Elena started just feeling the guilt suffocating her. She needed him to hear those words in a moment he would believe she couldn't just lie, in a moment her heart and soul were so exposed by her pain. "I know you may think I'm selfish or a deceitful liar but please, I just wanted to help everyone. I didn't want anyone to be hurt although I knew it was impossible. I just tried to help; I just tried to ease the pain. I just wanted to spare the feelings I now have inside of me. You have to believe me," she broke the contact between their bodies and looked straight at his eyes "Do you believe me?"

"Of course I do," he promptly answered but it wasn't enough for her.

"Look at me now Damon. I need you to remember this. I need you to see this. I care a lot about you. It wasn't part of the plan but you're just the most amazing guy I ever met in my life. I never planned to deliberately hurt and lie to you. I would never do that to any person but I couldn't do it especially to someone like you," she moved her hand to the side of his face and Damon almost felt his air tracks closing because of the look in her eyes and her touch. He had never seen Katherine being so honest, deep and showing such affection for him though he was a bit confused about the words she was saying. Was she referring to his suspicion of her intentions behind their relationship? They had veiled discussions about it before, he had assured her someday she would love him just as much he loved her but he didn't interrupt, he just enjoyed the feeling of having her show her feelings to him, even if they weren't in love, in such an open and beautiful way. Of course he didn't want her to hurt like she was hurting in that moment but he wouldn't lie to himself and ignore that she looked beautiful dressed in her vulnerability, letting her emotions show, especially her affectionate emotions towards him. There was nothing beautiful, only tragic, about the way she was crying when he arrived but now it was different.

"Falling for you wasn't my goal, actually it wasn't even a valid option but it's becoming very hard to avoid it," she explained as her eyes traveled every inch of his face as if she was recognizing everything she was falling for, "I know I will hurt you someday and I know you'll hate me and you'll feel used, deceived and probably disgusted. I just need you to look in my eyes now and see that I never wanted to hurt you, that I never wanted to use you and despite my own feelings for you I just wanted to spare you the pain," she explained and she didn't hold back the tears falling from eyes, slowly and quietly, opposing completely the previous ones that showed the weight of her sister's potential loss.

"Kat, I'm not sure why you're saying this…" he started and she moved her fingers to silent his lips.

"I just need you to remember this. Will you Damon? Will you remember me? Can you see it in my eyes? Do I look honest to you?" she sobered up the best she could because that was one of the most important moments of her life. One that could make a difference someday.

"Yes, Katherine. I will," he assured her kissing her fingers that still rested against her lips.

"Can you see it? Can you see that's my heart I'm pouring to you?" she asked a new batch of tears glossed her eyes although this time she was strong enough not to let them fall.

"It's crystal clear, Kat," he cracked a small and bittersweet smile.

"What's clear, Damon? Please I need you to tell me what you're seeing now," she pleaded and although he thought that was absolutely out of character, foreign and crazy he reminded himself she was de


aling with a load of emotions that she had probably been keeping to herself for fifteen years.

"Your pain, your vulnerability, your honesty, your affection…" he answered and she was satisfied with his words.

"I don't have a right to ask you this but I'll ask anyway. I need you to remember that this was the most genuine truth about me, Damon. That tonight I had my heart and soul opened to you. And it means that I never wanted to hurt you, I only wanted to help you with your pain, okay?" her doe eyes pleaded him to give her a positive answer and when he nodded he could clearly see the relief washing over her features.

"Thank you for coming, it helped. I needed this, I needed someone to be here for me now," she admitted her own vulnerability once again and he moved to kiss her forehead softly.

"You can always count on me," he reassured the girl before standing up. He started to pull the sheets and she understood he was helping her to get ready for the night. Moving aside she let him get the soft fabric underneath her and then moving it to cover her body. Despite all of the emotionally charged moments they were sharing, he couldn't not notice how she looked curvier and even more beautiful now that she had little clothes on. He walked away to get her comforter from the place he knew so well and covering her with it, he kissed her lips ever so softly that she wasn't sure if she was touched by only his breath or if his skin actually brushed hers.

"Sleep well, Kat" he whispered before straightening up his body and turning her bedside lamp off. He gave her one tenderer look before walking away towards the door. He looked back at her and he was about to reach the light switch when she spoke again.

"Damon, please stay," she pleaded more with her eyes than her cracking voice. He turned the lights off and walked back to the chair where he had been sitting before.

"No, in the bed," she whispered as she moved aside to make room for him in the queensize bed.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly. He never wanted to pressure her about the sex subject and he definitely didn't want her to think he would take advantage of her while she was so vulnerable.

"I need you," she just muttered. "Tonight I just need you."


AN: Here is the new update and I guess with that I can focus more on Damon and Elena instead of the situation. There will be more moments between them like that one. Moments that until now I kept minimum because of the many things I had to say. Thanks a lot for those who reviewed last chapter. For those who didn't, don't be shy and give some words back to me. huge thanks to my beta, Avecia.

xoxo

Babi