I can't help but remember as I drive through the country. I remember how it felt to love Alison so much that you thought you must be going crazy. Remember shaking so hard you think you may have something wrong with you just because her hand brushes yours. God it was so intense. Even when she got back and I was supposed to hate her, I couldn't help but watch her every movement. When she told me that she had had feelings for me, I wanted to attack her in kisses but instead reacted coldly. I knew I couldn't resist for long. Once everything went down and I ended up with Sara and she ended up with him I just wrote it off and filed it away under "things that you'll always want but will never happen" and now I'm thinking that maybe it should have stayed there. That letter didn't sound like someone who was conned into a relationship. So why would she lie? If she's playing games again, I can't do it, not this time. Losing another of Alison's games may actually kill me.

I realize how soaked my jacket sleeve is from my tears. I'm not usually like this. I'm stronger than this. I catch my own eyes in my rearview mirror and pull my car over. I stare at the dark circled reflection. Haven't you grown up at all, Emily? I wipe my eyes hard with a napkin from my glove compartment. It's time to turn around and face this like an adult. No more running.

I turn my car around and have to put my address into my GPS as I have no idea where I've taken myself. The sun is setting and the entire sky is pink with orange streaks. It's truly beautiful. When he left I remember Ali calling me crying. I picked her up and drove to this place that overlooks the town and we sat on the hood of my car watching the sun go down. She had her knees to her chest and our pinkies interlocked. I'll never forget how much prettier the sun looked reflecting in her eyes. I've met some great people in my life, but she is by far the most beautiful to me.

After what feels like forever I pull into my usual parking spot. I don't bother taking Ali's things with me. I take the steps to my second story apartment two at a time. It doesn't matter; she's running out the door and into my arms. I hold her tightly no matter how angry I am.

"Oh god, you're alright! Where have you been, I thought something had happened!" She's shouting as I lead her into our apartment and shut the door. She's been crying.

"Alison, I need you to tell me you want this." I say and she begins to speak and I hold my hand up.

"I mean, that you want this no matter what. I can't do this if I'm your second choice. I need to know that between the two of us you want me. Not because he's not an option and I am." I demand more firmly than I intended to.

"Emily, you're my dream. Of course I want you. Where is this coming from?" She asks knowing that I'm keeping something from her.

"I saw the letter you wrote him. I saw it Ali." I say tears of anger flowing.

"What are you talking about?" She asks.

"The one where you tell him how much you love him, how he makes you feel better than anyone else. How you can't imagine your life any other way." I'm holding my head in my hands.

"Why would you read that? I didn't even know he kept it." She says quietly.

"This morning you told me you never wanted to be with him. But that letter sure sounded like you did. If this is a game Alison, I can't take it." She gets serious then and steps towards me.

"How dare you Emily. You know me better than that. Do you want to know when I wrote that letter? Want to know?!" Her voice is shaking and she points an accusatory finger in my face. I can't find my voice.

"It was when I found out that you and Sara were together through Aria. You couldn't even tell me yourself. I had kept him at arm's length just waiting for you to come back to me. But then you went with her. So I decided that if you could move on so could I. That is when I gave him that letter and when I gave into him. You aren't the second choice, he was!" She spits every word at me. I can't look at her. Her anger suddenly breaks into tears and she leans on the back of the couch.

"I thought you were hurt Emily. Or that you'd finally gotten wise and left me." She cries sliding to the floor and covering her face.

"No, baby no." I say finally. I lean down to my knees in front of her.

"I'm sorry Alison. I'm so sorry. I'm just so scared. I'm so scared all the time. And this all happened so fast that I don't think that I've had time to process it yet." I put my arms around her.

"Do you think I'm not scared? It's okay to be scared but you can't run from me. We need to be in this together." She cries.

"I know. I won't run from you again. I'm so sorry." I hold her tightly and soon she gives in and clings to me. I hold her to me until I feel her tears stop and her body relax. Within a half hour she's laying with her head in my lap and I'm playing with her hair.

"I bet you're hungry." I say lightly. She perks up like an eager dog.

"Starving!" She exclaims.

"There is a food truck up the street, let's go." I smile.

"Burgers and fries don't sound like they're high in folic acid Dr. Fields, are you sure it's allowed?" She mocks.

"Hey you can't be upset because I care. I just want you two to be as healthy as possible. But sometimes if you want complete junk food then that's what you'll get." I say, wondering if I'm too forceful with my care sometimes.

"You're very sweet. But yes I don't care what I have tonight, but I want it to be battered and deep fried." She says holding my chin in her hand and kissing my mouth.

"You know I never could get too far from you." I say seriously as she searches my face.

"You better fucking not." Her warning reminds me of the Ali I knew years ago, and strangely that's a good thing right now. Because that's the girl that I fell in love with and it reminds me that I will never fall out of love with her.