Disclaimer: didn't we go over this already?
Did I mention the reviewers are the best people in the whole world? tosses you candy and floofy cupcakes
Uh oh, somebody's getting up on the wrong side of the bed this morning...
o0o00o0o
The morning sun peeked over the comfortably cluttered skyline of Konoha and touched the raw, red cheek of one very weary and heartbroken chunin, dragging him into reality once more.
He stared for just a second in confusion at the floor his face rested on, and wondered why it felt like the window was open. Then it all came back to him. He must have fallen asleep here, crying his fool eyes out like some little baby. Stiff and disgusted with himself, he pried himself up off the floor and wobbled into the bathroom to shower and get up some momentum. He was late getting up, but there was still enough time to get to the academy on time if he didn't dawdle.
The kids had wide-eyed looks when he stood staring at them silently. They looked wary and a bit frightened. Iruka-sensei was in one of his moods. Hands were folded, feet were flat on the floor, and when he told them to turn to page 52, books flew open and expectant faces turned up with disarming smiles in a remarkable showing of youthful self-preservation.
This appeased the man in the ponytail, and he deigned to let them live another day. After lunch he set them to running laps and watched them with folded arms and little expression. For one brief, breath-catching moment, he saw a glimpse of silver-gray in the pine tree by the classroom window. When it turned out to be a pigeon, enough was enough. He blew the whistle, told the kids to go home and lumbered back into the classroom.
Well, that hadn't cut short his day. If he'd been bright enough to have them come back in and clean off their desks before dismissing them, then it might have. By the time he cleared all thirty-two desks he was late for his shift at the mission room.
Ah, the mission room. Genma was sitting on top of a file cabinet, aiming wadded balls of paper at the wastebasket.
"Hey, Iruka. What's the matter, couldn't get lucky in the hallway today?"
A full, four-drawer file cabinet is very heavy, and when you add the weight of a full grown (lack of maturity aside) shinobi, the weight nearly doubles. The computation of the amount of strength necessary to launch both through a solid wall clear across the central courtyard was beyond even Shikamaru's mind, obese though it was with genius.
Genma, shaking plaster and splintered wood out of his hair, took a moment before even thinking about trying to get up. Shikamaru peered down at him, deciding against being curious. This looked entirely too problematic to take on unless it was assigned to him.
"Shika," groaned the flattened shinobi. "Pull that out for me."
Against his better judgement, the Nara reached down and yanked the senbon out of Genma's neck and handed it back to him.
Two ANBU peered in the large hole left by the trajectory of the cabinet and the cad. Each seemed to be urging the other to go in first. Minutes passed and neither had given in when Tsunade flounced into the courtyard to see what the noise was all about.
"What the hell happened to you?" she asked Genma, who was still laying low.
"I'm not sure." He turned his head and nodded to the mangled wad of gunmetal gray steel. "But when I was sitting on that a minute ago, it was a file cabinet."
Tsunade's eyes narrowed, and the ANBU stepped back. Her fists grabbed her billowing robe and she thundered through the hole and right up behind Iruka's chair and gave it a mighty kick.
She wasn't called a legendary sannin for nothing. Chair and chunin lofted high and only Iruka's quick reflexes saved him, snagging the ceiling fan and parting company with the chair before it embedded itself into the ceiling.
"I do not know what your problem is and I do not care! Fix that wall, fix that cabinet, put your chair back where it belongs and apologize to Shiranui!"
Iruka drifted in circles, nodding with the bare beginnings of remorse, thankful for for the breeze in his face.
"You're on report for this. I'll see you in my office when you're done fixing this mess you've made."
His Hokage glared, weaving her neck to watch him until he let go of the blades and dropped back down to the floor. "What is with you lately, Iruka?"
Iruka tucked his chin down stubbornly and frowned.
Tsunade sighed. Her most cheerful, cooperative, lovable brat…gone to seed. She turned and went barreling out the door, nearly colliding with the Nara head on.
"If you say the word 'troublesome' I'm knocking you though the other wall," she growled, skirting him and thundering on down the hallway.
Genma was cussing at the ANBU trying to help him up, and Izumo and Kotetsu had shown up and were grumbling loudly at being drafted into helping with the cleanup.
"Gee, and they say smiles are infectious," Shikamaru shook his head at Iruka. "Your mood is like the plague."
One dark, dangerous brown eye narrowed, and Shika's superior brain cells hauled his ass out of there in a puff of smoke.
O0o0o0o0o
After the classic tackle-glomp greeting, the whining for food and the loud, enthusiastic description of his latest best-jutsu-ever, Naruto flopped on the couch and studied Iruka's stiffer-than-usual posture as he slashed red marks on student papers as if to draw blood.
"Gosh, I heard you tried to kill Genma-san today, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto blurted, raising one buttcheek to try and pass his ramen-gas silently. It almost worked. The little squeak make Iruka shoot him a disapproving look from under one raised eyebrow.
"Naruto!"
"Sorry, geeze."
"Crack a window."
"All right, all right." He lumbered over to the window and opened it, perching on the ledge to be safe.
"Thanks," Iruka said, a little more civil.
"Sure. Like I said, I hear ya tried to kill…"
"I didn't try to kill anyone! It was…" It was what? An accident? Hardly. "I just…"
"You just took out the whole wall and flattened the fourth ranked jounin with one swipe! I heard it was awesome!" Naruto grinned and punctuated his enthusiasm with something other than a high five
"I am never letting you get the onion ramen again," Iruka scowled. "It wasn't awesome, Naruto, it was childish and stupid." He dropped his pen and rubbed his forehead, feeling the anger start to drain out. This was the letdown he'd been dreading all day. Because when the strength of the anger left him, he'd have to face the pain again.
"I could have really hurt Genma." His face fell now, sadness taking hold. Naruto frowned and hopped down off the window sill, dashing over to give a clumsy hug to try and stop the growing upset on that special face.
"Aww, something's wrong, I knew it! You're just so weird lately, you and Kakashi-sensei! I mean, I know you guys are hot for each other and all, but all that stuff I keep hearing about! Kakashi-sensei I expect it from, but you - I never knew you'd set bad examples in public!"
Iruka let his forehead down on the table and wrapped his arms around his head miserably. "Neither did I."
"Heck, I didn't even know you wanted to date anybody. Sure came as a shock to me."
Iruka lifted his head and nodded. "I wasn't looking to date anybody. It happened by accident."
"Why, Iruka-sensei?"
"I don't know, it started out as a joke, kind of."
"No. not that. I mean, why didn't you want to date anybody? Doesn't everybody want somebody?"
Iruka looked in the earnest blue eyes and felt tears well up in his own.
"It's a character flaw that I have, Naruto. A weakness."
"You're perfect! What are you talking about?"
"Hardly…I can't bear to want what I can't have." He looked out the open window and swallowed hard. "Like us. My parents died and I had no one, no family, no parents. So I closed that door. No, I slammed it and locked it. I didn't see myself having a wife, kids of my own, ever. So I decided I hated kids, didn't want them even if I could have them."
"You love kids! You're surrounded with 'em!"
"Students were something I knew I could have, it wasn't a risk. That wasn't a problem. It was about having family. I refused to feel that empty longing. I refused to miss it, or want it, or do anything at all in the way of trying to get it."
Naruto looked confused.
"But, see, Naruto, you became my student. And there was something special about you. But even though you didn't have a family, and you needed and wanted one, I would never have offered or thought to bring you into my life. I had banished those thoughts forever."
"But…"
"Then we ended up fighting side by side, and recognizing one another. We connected on a deeper level. But don't you see? You were already installed in my life and my heart before I decided we could be like family. The connection came first. I'm too big of a coward to want something honestly and pursue it if there's risk I won't get it. Because then I'd still want it, and be disappointed, just wanting and empty forever."
Blue eyes regarded him softly. "You have a kind heart, so you have to protect it."
"No, it's cowardice, and I did it again. I did it again, and this time I lost the person I have feelings for." A tear trembled on his lower eyelid and he swept it away, determined no to cry. "As soon as I let myself start to want it, as soon as I knew it was love and how much I really wanted it…it was gone."
They shared a look of intense pain. "And…now I want that love, and I can't have it. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. At my age, you'd think I'd have it figured out, at least somewhat. But I don't know anything. All I can do is get angry, at myself, and at the cruel way life keeps treating everybody."
"You don't mean Kakashi-sensei, do you? I mean, he's nuts about you. I saw the way he looks at you."
"It wasn't real. I tricked him into it. Then I tricked myself into believing it was real."
"Wow." Naruto gave him a sideways look. "Are you sure he's not just playing hard to get?"
"I'm sure. He made it very clear. He said I was underhanded and desperate, and I have to agree with him. He made it clear that there wasn't going to be an 'us'. And then he left…right out that window."
"I'm sorry," Naruto said helplessly, and they hugged in quiet misery. "He's an idiot to walk away from you."
"I lied to him and I used him. I'm just getting what I deserve."
"So, what did the file cabinet do to you?"
Iruka blinked up at the sassy fox, grateful for his attempt to lighten the mood. "I need to apologize to Genma again. This time I'll mean it."
"I love you, Iruka-sensei. I wish I could make you feel better," the blond crushed him possessively. "Can I stay here tonight? Now I'll be sad if I leave you here alone."
"I love you, too, Naruto. I'd be grateful if you'd stay. Whatever happens, one thing I'm happy for is finding you. You're the family I could never hope for."
o0o0o0o
Kakashi avoided the memorial all day. He took his troubles there and found solace most of the time. But the pain of this was so incredibly intense, he had to ride it out a while before he could address it head on. No plan or angle came to mind, no genius inspiration to turn it all around and somehow fix it back up. Iruka was betrayed and broken, so obviously devastated by his thoughtless game-playing. The pain in Kakashi's heart grew exponentially every time he remembered that anguished look, when Iruka had gently explained just how horrible his seemingly harmless indulgence had been.
Unforgivable. True enough. He didn't really know if he would ever be able to forgive himself. He knew he'd never be able to stop the hollow echo in his heart from calling out Iruka's name.
Obito might not even know how to take this monumental screw-up, and he'd seen Kakashi commit some real beauties. But it was time to find out.
o0o0o0o
"You still didn't tell me how this happened," Raidou said, puzzling at the strange variety of bruises and the deep senbon wound in his boyfriend's neck.
"Yeah, I did. I told you, Iruka went ape shit in the mission room for no reason and blasted me through a wall."
"No, seriously. What the hell happened?"
"I told you. Iruka…"
"You wanna sleep on the couch tonight?" snapped the scarred jounin. "enough with the jokes, what the fuck happened?"
"All right, all right. I'll come clean." Genma peered at the ceiling for a moment, rummaging around in his mind for a good one. "I took Tenzou out behind the Hokage tower and I found out he doesn't swing that way." Lies. All lies, as a matter of fact.
"Ooooh, really?" Raidou's eyebrows arched up. "Huh, how 'bout that. I thought he looked like a goer."
"I thought so, too."
"Man. Not good. ANBU and no sense of humor, too. You sure know how to pick 'em." Raidou started gently massaging chakra into the bruises again. "You're lucky this is all he did."
"Tell me about it."
o0o0o0o
It was a great comfort having Naruto there. Around midnight a knock came at the door awakening them both. Sasuke looked a little perturbed as he inquired about Naruto's whereabouts, and Iruka let them talk, bickering softly in the doorway about not coming home, making people worry, and what constituted caring and what was just controlling.
I looked to be a lengthy debate. Iruka gathered up Naruto's clothes and folded them carefully. He went to the softly arguing boys and placed the clothes in Naruto hands, kissed him on the forehead, and gave him a gentle shove out the door. Both of them looked sheepish, grateful and apologetic as they left. That, Iruka thought, was one very brave and mature boy. His boy. If only he could follow in his footsteps.
Alone again, the hurt refreshed in his lonely heart, and he rested his elbows on the widowsill. The moon was just a sliver, sharp and beautiful. It wavered and he shook his head, disappointed that he was going to cry yet again. This was just stupid.
The dead quiet of his apartment was just making it worse. At the risk of being seen so bedraggled and teary, he slipped back into some clothes and tracked out into the night, letting the cool night air battle some of the stinging heat on his tear-ravaged face.
Get a grip, Umino, he told himself firmly. But he had no talent for it, and no clue as to how he might make it happen through sheer will alone. The people who used to give him that kind of advice were still available, though – twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. His feet found their direction and he picked up his pace on autopilot. He could have made this trip blindfolded.
x
