7. A Very Special Episode of Hoarders
This story is based upon and originally posted below the following YouTube video;
Hearthstone: Trump Cards - 192 - A Poisonous Game... Again (Rogue Arena)
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The house looked like nothing special from the road. A bit secluded, perhaps; well-concealed from prying eyes, but nothing to suggest it housed a hoarder that Albert Lord's producers described as 'a doozy.' So when he knocked on the door he didn't know what to expect, but he certainly didn't expect a lovely blood-elf in a bright crimson bathrobe.
'Hello. I am Albert Lord' He said and bowed slightly 'You must be Valeera. It's a pleasure to meet you.'
'The pleasure is mine.' Valeera answered in a way that made Albert feel uneasy. 'But I thought you'd have a camera with you...'
'Oh that's comes later.' Albert said. 'We've got to do some ground-work first. It's just me and Frank my production man for now.' Albert motioned behind to the grinning goblin behind him.
'Very well then.' Valeera said. 'I suppose you'll want a tour.'
'Lead on.' He said.
Albert pulled out his pen and clipboard and took notes as they walked. The house certainly was cluttered; there were old daggers lying about, a dilapidated robot in one corner (Valeera insisted it was an antique,) a collection of old magazines and papers all over her desk (including what appeared to be a ransom note for a spectral knight) and even a broken-down GMC 'Max Force' SUV in the garage. But there was nothing to suggest this would make for a quality 'eye-opening' episode as had been suggested. Most of his subjects had 'rolled need' so many times you could barely see the floor.
Albert glanced at his watch then turned to Valeera. 'It was very nice to meet you and to see your home. We'll let you know in advance should we choose to come back to film an episode. Farewe-'
'Oh, but you haven't even seen the closet yet.' Valeera said. 'It'll only take a minute. Here, come on.'
Valeera led him to the back of the house to a set of cast-iron double doors fitted with several locking mechanisms. 'What do you keep in there?' Albert asked as Valeera produced one key after another.
'Oh, you'll see' Valeera said playfully.
Albert gasped as the doors finally swung open. He was taken back to his gladiator days, before he earned the celebrity that landed him a reality-TV gig. For it felt like when the gates opened and his veins filled with the excitement and terror associated with facing death. For the walk-in closet was packed to overflowing with all varieties of poison.
'Dead God.' He whispered. He was no expert in poisons, but he recognized enough to let him know that what was in this room could kill him thousands of times over.
'Did someone say bomb?' Frank said as he rounded the corned, twirling a stick of dynamite.
'What? No! No one said bomb Frank.' Albert said hastily. That been his tech-man's catch phrase ever since they'd used explosives to dislodge a massive pile of spare parts during one particularly memorable episode.
'Whoa! That's awesome!' Frank said and then turned to Valeera (who was beaming) 'Is that that I think it is.'
'Take a closer look and find out.' She said.
'Wait. Wait.' Albert said. His mind was spinning from the dangers and opportunities involved. This could be the greatest episode yet, but he could also die. 'Maybe we should call Poison Control first. Oh, but they might just confiscate everything.'
'We couldn't have that!' Valeera said, suddenly alarmed.
'Ok. Ok. Let me think.' Albert said. 'We'll need some protective gear. Frank, what do we have that might- Frank, don't touch anything!'
Frank was picking up one vial to examine after another. 'Put those back Frank. We have to find out how to do this safely.'
'Oh, come on, man. I'm being careful.' Frank said, not even turning towards his boss.
'Put them back!' Albert shouted, now more animated by Frank's insolence than the danger as he grabbed at the vial in Frank's hand.
'Hey leggo!' Frank cried. They struggled. Albert was a bit stronger than the goblin but both were cognizant of the danger so neither pulled very hard, though pride kept either from letting go. Albert could hear Valeera laughing behind him.
''Ok Frank, look.' Albert said, summoning his 'reasonable' voice. 'I'll let go if you agree to put the vial back on the shelf.'
'All right, all right.' Frank said.
Albert let go and Frank replaced the poison.
'Ok, then.' Albert said and sighed in relief. 'How about we start by making a list of everything here. Then we'll know what we're dealing with at least.'
Albert went to retrieve his pen and clipboard from where he'd left them on the ground. But as he stood up he jostled one of the poison racks; not much, but just enough. He looked up just in time to see a small silver vial topple towards him. He reacted instantly, moving to shield his head. The vial broke upon clipboard, pen and hands.
'Water. Water.' He cried. 'Something to wash this off!'
He glanced at his hands. There was no pain. No bubbling or oozing or threat of immediate death, just a light coating of silver oil. 'What, what is this?'
'Oh, I'd forgotten about that.' Valeera said. 'That's just Tinker's Sharpsword Oil. You know how many times I thought about bringing that stuff on a raid but never quite got around to it. Don't worry, it's not deadly to get some on yourself.'
'Oh that's good.' Albert said. He stared at his pen and clipboard, which appeared unaffected, then went to write 'Tinker's Sharpsword Oil' and found his pen passing through paper and wood like it were butter.
'Holy crap!' He exclaimed. 'That stuff made this pen more powerful than a... than a...'
'A bomb?' Frank offered.
'I was going to say "Sword" but that works too.'
