Title: Fears Resolved
Chapter 7: Past Fears, Present Fears
Rating: T for language and sexual content
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS LA or the characters. Also, I do not own John Legend's "All of Me." The song reminded me of Kensi and Deeks practically since the first time I heard it. The wedding scene has been floating around in my head for some time.
Summary: This chapter begins later the same day where Chapter 6 left off. These are little scenes between Kensi and Deeks that help them work through the fears and issues they have about being together. I am trying to write about both Kensi and Deeks's fears, but I am finding out as I write this that we know a lot more about Kensi than we do about Deeks. While I am inventing new stories about their characters, I am trying to use tidbits of information from the show to base those stories off of. I hope we get to learn more about Deeks in season 6.
Past Fears, Present Fears
"You going to share some of that with me?" Deeks asks nodding toward the pint of ice cream Kensi is quietly devouring on the other side of the couch.
"I bought you your own pint," Kensi replies before taking another bite.
"If one of us gets up to get it, I have to stop doing this," he reasons, as the thumb of his good arm presses against the arch of her foot. "Plus, I did get shot today," he adds playing the sympathy card.
"You were grazed," she tries to tease about it and play it off as he has been, even though she is having much deeper and troubled feelings about the events of the day.
"I have a bruise," he whines petulantly, lifting up his shirt so she can see the black and purple mark where the bullet hit the vest protecting his abdomen from more serious damage.
"Want me to kiss it better?" she humors him as she opens her arms.
He shifts across the couch between her legs and settles against her chest. Her arms wrap around him and a spoonful of ice cream appears in front of his mouth.
"Thank you," he says in appreciation after enjoying the offered bite. "Now, are you going to tell me what feelings you are eating in this pint of ice cream?"
"I'm not…" the lie is automatic even though she knows she is caught. Talking about feelings seems much tougher than drowning them in ice cream.
Deeks reaches up for her arm and maneuvers it so he can peer into the pint of ice cream. "Um hmm," he utters showing his disbelief in her statement as he sees she is nearly to the bottom of the pint. She relinquishes the pint and spoon to him and lets her hands wander over his chest while he finishes off the ice cream. He places the spoon into the empty pint and sets it on the coffee table. "I'm good Kens. I didn't break my promise. I'm not going anywhere," Deeks reassures her, resting a cold hand on her knee. He hopes to get her to talk to him a bit. He knows something about today is still bothering her.
"I know," she replies dropping a kiss in his hair and wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. After a few minutes of silence he knows she isn't going to, or isn't able to, voice more of her feelings at this time.
In a deep sleep later that night Kensi is having a nightmare. She found Deeks and he was hurt, but then suddenly he is gone and she can't find him. She knows he's hurt and needs her, but she can't get to him.
"Deeks!" she screams desperate to find him. She screams his name again and bolts straight up in bed. Her heart is pounding and she hears blood rushing in her ears.
Usually Deeks is a pretty heavy sleeper, but he is instantly awake with her first scream. In his hurry to find her in the darkness, he rolls on his grazed arm causing some minor pain.
"It's okay. I've got you," he soothes gathering her in his arms, ignoring the pain to hold her tightly against his chest. Monty had also jumped to attention at the sound of her first scream. Seeing his master has things under control, he turns a circle and lies down next to the bed again.
Deeks feels her heart racing as she clings to him. The desperation of the embrace reminds him of Afghanistan. Even though she has never had a nightmare in his presence before, and hasn't told him about any, he asks as he strokes her hair, "Was it about Afghanistan?"
"No," she replies as he lies back bringing her with him. His good arm is under her head and wrapped around her. The injured one rests on his stomach, his hand gently holding onto her arm which is also resting there.
"What was it about?" He tries to coax her into telling him more with a soft kiss on her forehead.
"You were hurt and I couldn't find you," she explains, then presses her lips to his neck feeling his pulse under them and takes in his scent to reassure herself that he is here and okay. "It felt so real," she adds, her stomach still feeling heavy with fear. "The thought of losing you terrifies me. I don't know if I could handle it," she admits what had been on her mind since Deeks had been shot at earlier that day. She is finding it easier to open up in their dark bedroom in the middle of the night. Truthfully this fear of losing him has existed since shortly after they became partners. It's just now she wouldn't just be losing another partner and someone she cares about. She would be losing the person she loves most in the world.
"Believe me, I know the feeling. When I thought I lost you, I didn't handle it very well." He reveals a tiny part of the secret he's been holding as his thumb rubs back and forth over her hip bone.
"We can't quit our jobs. What do we do?" She honestly doesn't know how they are going to handle the danger of their jobs as their relationship continues to grow and they become more connected and more emotionally involved.
"Other people have dangerous jobs," Deeks reasons. "We try to be as safe as we can. I know I don't plan on going back on my promise. You?" he asks moving his hand to caress her back.
"No, but it's not just the fact that we could die. I don't think I could sacrifice your safety again in order to complete a mission."
"When did you…?" Deeks seeks clarification.
"Sidorov," she explains relieved to finally feel secure enough to be vulnerable and share how awful she felt having to leave him after he'd been tortured, and her fear that her feelings for him may compromise her ability to do her job.
"I knew you didn't want to," Deeks assures her as he places his hand over hers. "Maybe it's time we tell the guys or Hetty." He doesn't know how he's going to be able to keep his head the next time she is in danger. He's hoping Callen, Sam, Nell, Eric, or Hetty will be there to talk him through it and reason with him.
"I don't know. I don't want them to say we can't be partners. I don't want to lose what we have there. I will never trust anyone as much as I trust you."
"I feel the same, but chances are someday things are going to have to change," Deeks says. So much thinking has made him tired and he yawns.
"Not yet, okay?" she requests rubbing his shoulder. She's not willing to give up their partnership yet. If they aren't partners anymore and their relationship doesn't work out, then there is a possibility he might not be in her life at all anymore, and that is not an option for her.
"Okay," he agrees.
"Let's get some sleep." Even though they haven't resolved anything, just talking to Deeks has helped lessen Kensi's anxiety about the day's events.
About a week later Deeks knocks on Kensi's apartment door and lets himself in. She had left it unlocked knowing he was coming over. They had finished a case too late to pick Monty up from puppy daycare, so they decided to spend the night at Kensi's.
"Hey," Kensi greets from the couch. "Pizza is on the way."
It's Friday night, but they are both tired so they decided to stay in and do pizza and a movie.
"Hey," Deeks replies setting a four pack of bottled beer on the coffee table. He sits down next to her noticing that she had showered and changed into lounging clothes too.
"What are we watching?" he asks wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
"Pretty Woman," she replies as his fingers play with her wet hair.
"You smell good," he comments nuzzling her neck, finding something much more interesting than a movie to focus his attention on.
"Mmmm," she sighs as his lips travel up her neck and his hand slides from her hair down toward her breast. After they kiss a few times the weariness from the day she'd been feeling earlier is forgotten, and she turns and straddles him. As his tongue strokes hers, she tries to relieve him of his shirt.
Deeks chuckles and nips at her top lip when she succeeds. "I'm all for naked pizza and movie night, but maybe we should wait until the pizza actually gets here," he teases.
"You started it," she reminds him giving him a taste of his own medicine as her lips go for his neck and she presses her hips against his pelvis.
"Tou…u…che," he gasps as she apparently is not willing to wait.
Later that night they are lying in Kensi's bed actually watching the movie since the channel is playing it multiple times in a row. Deeks is sprawled out on his back and Kensi is on her side next to him. Out of nowhere Kensi offers, "After my dad was killed I was alone for awhile. One of the shelters I stayed in had this movie on VHS and I would watch it all the time."
Deeks is stunned speechless for a moment. First, because she is sharing information about that time in her life; second, because she is sharing it with virtually nothing prompting her to share it; and third, because he already knows she spent time on the streets, but she doesn't know he knows.
"Probably with actual prostitutes," Kensi adds information about some of her roommates at the shelter as an afterthought. Her amusement makes him smile. She looks up at him, and the fact that her little quip made him smile makes her smile.
Deeks considers pretending this is knew information to him, but he has a feeling it could turn out badly in the end. He also isn't overly concerned about giving Hetty up as his source.
"Hetty told me you spent some time on the streets," he admits, watching her eyes for any sign of anger.
"When?" she asks genuinely curious, but then realizes she already knows the answer. She remembers he knew that something was getting to her on that case.
"Astrid," they both say at the same time.
"Did she tell you anything else?" Kensi wonders.
"No, but will you?" he requests turning on his side so they are facing each other.
"I stayed with Grandma and Grandpa Blye through the funeral and for about two weeks after. Grandpa Blye was sick and there wasn't a lot of money. I didn't want to be a burden. I also hated my new school in their town, so I left. I told them I was staying with friends. I hated lying. Maybe that's why I hate that part of the job now. I came to Los Angeles where I knew I could get lost in the vastness. I called all the time so they wouldn't worry and I took the bus back to visit as many weekends as I could."
And this is why I love this woman Deeks thinks as he reaches over and caresses her cheek for a moment before moving his hand down to her arm.
"Did you go to school?" he asks even though he's pretty sure about the answer.
"Yes, a large public high school. I joined as many clubs and afterschool activities as I could so I could spend more time at school and less in shelters. When I did go back to the shelters I would take as many books as I could. People were less inclined to bother you if your nose was in a book."
And so was born Wikipedia runs through Deeks's mind.
"What?" Kensi asks defensively, and Deeks knows his expression must have caused her to feel self-conscious or insecure.
"I was just thinking that now I know how Wikipedia came to be," he tries to assure her that he's not judging her in any way. He rubs her arm not wanting her to shut down. "How did you get to New York?" he asks hoping she knows how earnestly he wants to know this story and how it made her who she is today. He knows that she finished high school in New York and lived with her cousin Sarah for awhile. Last summer she went to visit Sarah when he was trying to work through the torture and wasn't taking her calls. She brought him back the Cronut.
"Sarah wanted me to come live with them right away, but her mom never got over my uncle's death and didn't want to take on the challenge of another child. Sarah started taking extra classes so she could finish school and move out. I started working at a frozen yogurt place to save money to get to New York. I think the manager knew I was on my own. He let me eat all the frozen yogurt I wanted. I ate a lot of frozen yogurt." The last sentence she says with exaggerated humor.
"Which is why…?" Deeks begins to ask hesitantly hoping it's okay to joke about this.
"I don't like frozen yogurt now, only ice cream," Kensi finishes his assumption. "When Sarah graduated early in December, I moved out there right away. We had a one bedroom place in Brooklyn."
"Was it a rough neighborhood?" Deeks asks.
"Kind of. We tried to walk together at night. We kept a gun in the apartment, but never had to use it. Twice people tried to break in, but our dads had done a good job showing us how to install locks, and they held until the police arrived."
"I don't know if I should ask this." Deeks voices his nervousness about his next question. It has been at the back of his mind since Hetty informed him Kensi spent a year on the streets that she never told him about. He's always wondered if there was a dark reason why she never told him, or if she was just embarrassed about having lived in shelters. "You don't have to answer."
Her eyes tell him to ask.
"Did anyone ever hurt you when you were in the shelters or on the street?"
She takes a deep breath, but then smiles as she lays a hand on his cheek.
"Where do you think I perfected my crotch kicking abilities?"
She didn't exactly say no, but he takes her answer to affirm his suspicions that 15 year old Kensi was just as kickass as 31 year old Kensi.
"You're amazing, you know that," he compliments leaning in to place a light kiss on her lips.
"I just did what I had to." She tries to play down his compliment a bit embarrassed. "Same as you," she adds putting the focus on him for a bit. "What were your high school years like?" she asks. He knows it's his turn to share and not just the sports achievements and success stories with the ladies that she's heard before. They talk until Deeks falls asleep midsentence. Kensi cuddles up next to him and isn't far behind.
"Now I see it," Eric whispers to Nell as they dance at their coworkers' wedding in late July. "They're definitely together," he adds as he turns Nell so that he is no longer watching Kensi intimately caressing the back of Deeks's neck as he bends close whispering in her ear.
"This song reminds me of you." Deeks is feeling romantic holding her so close after witnessing such a special day between their friends.
"Are you saying I'm crazy or have edges?" she asks, catching his hair between her fingers and giving a tug to warn that he better choose his next words carefully.
"Us, it reminds me of us," he corrects quickly, pretending to be afraid even though he knows she was kidding. "Showing of hearts and all that stuff."
Kensi shows her contentment with his answer with a slight smile and closing the distance between their bodies.
"Want to take a walk?" she asks when the song ends. Both of them have noticed their less than subtle coworkers have been sneaking glances at them all night. "Might as well give them something to talk about if they're going to talk anyway," she adds with a playful smile.
"Sure," he replies. He'd never waste the opportunity for a walk on the beach on a beautiful night with his beautiful girlfriend. It might also be a good time to tell her about the surprise he has for her.
Kensi slips off her shoes and leaves them on the edge of the patio. Her hand finds Deeks's as they begin to walk toward the water.
"I'm so happy for Troy and Lisa. It was a beautiful wedding. A perfect day," Kensi comments. She leaves out the detail that she's been imagining all day what her and Deeks's perfect day might be like.
"It was," Deeks agrees wondering if he and Kensi will get there someday. "You know what would make this day even more perfect?" he asks as they walk further down the beach. He lets go of her hand and wraps his arm around her waist.
"hmmm?" she asks, but then realizes she knows where his one-track mind is headed.
"You, me, deserted beach," he says suggestively.
She decides to tease him a little bit. She stops walking and faces him. She wraps her arms around his neck and brings his lips to hers.
"Have you?" she asks knowing Deeks's sexual exploits are more exotic than her own.
"Yes, but that is a faint, distant memory compared to fantasy 34," he replies brushing over her lips lightly with his own. He knows she needs him to be honest, yet he wants her to know that she is all he thinks about now.
"Fantasy 34?" she questions.
"You were gone a long time," he explains openly. She caresses his cheek as she tilts her head for another kiss. "Would you?"
"Yes," she answers on impulse due to the love and lust she is feeling toward him. "Well, maybe if the beach was actually deserted and we had a blanket," she revises as her uptight tendencies take over.
That answer brings a big smile to his face because it embodies everything she is and everything he loves about her. The hands at her hips pull her closer toward him and he rests his forehead against hers proclaiming, "I love you."
"I…," she tries to reply, but the words won't come. She wants to say it. She's felt it for so long, but the emotion of the moment has left her speechless. He knew she might not be ready, but he is still a little disappointed.
"I know it's only been 2 months. Maybe it's too soon, but it's how I feel." Deeks nervously runs his hand up and down her side.
"It's not too soon," she assures him, bringing both hands to his face. "I love you too," she declares, thinking this really is the perfect day.
After sharing a few more loving, tender kisses, Deeks tells her he booked them an ocean front hotel room for the night to celebrate her birthday a few days early.
Kensi keeps hold of Deeks's hand for balance as she puts her shoes back on. He expects her to let go as they make their way inside, but she doesn't.
"You sure?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. If he can be brave enough to be the first to say I love you, she can be the one to suggest they tell their friends. Plus she's pretty sure most of them know anyway.
"Hey guys," Nell makes a bit of an exaggerated greeting as she sees Kensi and Deeks coming back to the table holding hands. As conversation stops and everyone at the table looks to Kensi and Deeks, there are smiles of acknowledgement at what the duo is sharing.
"Let's keep it on the down low," Deeks suggests. "We don't want to take anything away from Troy and Lisa's day."
"How long?" Callen asks sharing a glance with Sam and then both of them give Deeks the stare down.
"How long have you known?" Deeks asks carefully, wondering how much trouble he's going to be in with the guys.
"Oh since about the time that someone was smitten with Jason Wyler." Callen throws a sly grin at Kensi. It's not often they get to mess with her.
"What?" Deeks asks astonished. He's going to have fun with this.
"Oh no!" Kensi exclaims, holding a finger up to stop Deeks from whatever he is going to say next. "I thought Jason Wyler was an arrogant drug dealer and possibly the killer."
"But you liked his fluffy hair." Sam gets in on the teasing.
"And his baby blues," Callen jumps in again.
"Whatever," Kensi says brushing off their teasing as she takes a seat at the table.
"Seriously, did you guys know? I thought we've been very stealth," Deeks comments as he takes the seat beside Kensi.
All of their coworkers laugh at this statement.
"People who are stealth do not share a blanket in their place of work," Callen teases.
"Or leave their comms open," Eric speaks up for the first time.
"Or flirt so unabashedly," Callen continues without mercy.
"Or look at each other all googly eyed," Sam chimes in. "Seriously though, we knew when Deeks stopped looking so lost."
"And the fake smile you had after Afghanistan turned into a real one," Nell relays honestly. She refrained from jumping in on the teasing for fear it would come back around to haunt her someday.
Between the teasing and the honest sentiments Kensi and Deeks interpret that their friends approve of the relationship and are happy for them. The group can tell Kensi and Deeks are both uncomfortable with having all the attention focused on them and their relationship, more Kensi than Deeks, so a new subject is brought up and everyone moves on.
"So, if not Jason Wyler, when did you know that you loved this sexy, charming stud?" Deeks asks later that night as he unbuttons his dress shirt and then tries out the plush bed in their hotel room.
"You weren't going to leave that alone, were you?" she laughs as she crawls toward him on the bed.
"Not a chance," he replies as his hand dives into her curls formed by the up-do she had just unpinned. "I do want to know," he tells her seriously.
"I've had feelings for as long as we've had a thing. As for the love part, I think that happened little by little over time." She presses her lips to his. "You?" she asks. She takes advantage of his open shirt placing open mouthed kisses on his chest.
"The same, little by little. There wasn't an exact moment of knowing. It was like it had always been there."
His admission makes her want to try out the three little words again. "I love you," she says softly lying down next to him.
"I love you," he replies knowing that what he and Kensi have is like nothing he has ever experienced before. He knows she is the one.
Thanks for Reading! This chapter ended up pretty fluffy again. I think the next one will be a little more dramatic. Reviews always welcome.
