CHAPTER 7

The days after that seemed to mold into one.

I kept myself quite busy. I catalogued the rest of the files. I maintained my work on the bridge. I read lots of articles from the library and played my harp. I woke up. I slept. I breathed. I willed my heart to continue beating.

Sometimes, the distractions worked. I would get engrossed in a good article, and then stumble upon a fact that I would store in my memory bank, intending to share it with Susan at a later time.

And then I would recall that there was no later time, and I would fall back down.

The relentless pain in my chest cavity never ceased or weakened. It was always there, through all of my duties and routines. It had become a part of me. Another bitter discipline.

Day after day, Logic would attempt to reason with me, try to rationalize Susan's death, make it sound fair and right.

I had picked up the pieces, and now had nothing to do with them but hold them close to me, letting them stab and pierce me, willing them to go back into the cavity where they belonged.

I tried to recall the thoughts that she had had. I replayed all of the bits I could salvage from my vast stores, and treasured them. None of the recollections had the same intensity, and all of them failed to fill the gaping wound I held under my arm, where my heart used to be.

For fleeting moments, I could see her at 5 years old, sitting on her father's lap. I could see the masterpiece she had yet to sketch in her notepad. I heard a few bars of her favorite songs, and for a second I could see, once again, that sandy red hill that she so loved to perch on in her dreams.

I had learned to hide my pain in the same fashion I had learned to hide my love.

With months and months of practice.

By the time the disease had come upon us 5 months later, I had made so much progress that I could bury the sound of her voice and the image of her face. I could pretend to forget.

The disease in question was, at the time, unidentifiable. All the information we had was that irrationality almost resembling a drunken stupor was a symptom, and was quickly taking over the crewmen.

Jim ordered me to go get McCoy.

I hastily strode into the lift and made my way to sick bay.

However, when I got there, McCoy was missing.

And thats where the trouble began....

"Where's Dr. McCoy?" I asked the nurse, standing close to Mr. Sulu's unconscious body.

"He just ran to the lab. He will be back shortly." Nurse Chapel responded.

I walked briskly to the nearest intercom.

The nurse followed me, wiping her sweaty palms on her dress.

"Lab." I paged, "Lab, Spock here...Lab!"

I gave up, turning to leave the Sick Bay. I needed to find McCoy.

"Mr. Spock." Miss Chapel cooed, grabbing hold of my upper arm.

"Nurse?" I asked, whipping my arm out of her grip.

She took my hand in both of hers.

"Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely." she looked into my eyes, troubled, "At least, people say that."

I met her gaze, quite confused.

"But you're part human, too." she reasoned.

I wasn't sure if she was telling this to me or herself.

"I know you don't. You couldn't..." she muttered, "hurt me. Would you?"

I pulled my hand away.

I had no logical response.

Still shaken, I turned to continue out the door.

"I'm in love with you, Mr. Spock."

I halted in my tracks.

It was Miss Chapel's voice that said it, I know that now. But I would have sworn on anything I knew or will know, that in that moment I could hear Susan's voice again. All the months I had spent building up a tolerance to her memory, like the skin heals over a wound, was ripped away in one swift, painful tear. My heart lay glittering and bleeding, exposed once again.

I closed my eyes.

It had taken so much discipline to hide the sorrow of losing her.

And here I was again, at square one.

I turned slowly back to the nurse.

I looked at her sad face.

The tears made her eyes look so huge.

The open wound in my heart pumped. I could feel the blood oozing around in my body.

She was no longer Christine.

She was Susan.

My eyes widened.

It couldn't be her. I knew it couldn't.

I looked down at my hand.

It was covered in sweat.

It dawned on me then, that I had caught the disease.

I looked back up at her, still wearing Susan's face.

My heart ached.

I knew it wasn't her. Even then I knew. Every logical nerve in my head reasoned that it wasn't her.

And yet, I couldn't move.

"You. The human Mr. Spock." this woman cooed.

Susan would never say that. She would not think that. She loved both parts of me.

The impostor advanced, slowly.

I shook my head.

"The Vulcan Mr. Spock?" she posed it almost as a question, as if that would appease me.

She was very close to me now.

I blinked my eyes hard.

I knew that it was Miss Chapel standing before me.

Why was it that all I could see was Susan?

"Nurse Chapel." I stammered, hoping blindly that saying it out loud would convince my malfunctioning brain.

"I see things; how honest you are...." She began, admiringly. She glanced down at my hands, and cupped them again, "I know how you feel."

All I could do was stare at her.

She was wrong, wrong in so many ways. This Susan wasn't Susan at all.

The reminder only made my wound throb harder.

"You hide it, but you DO have feelings."

I turned my head.

The pain was getting unbearable.

"Oh how we must hurt you! " she wailed, stroking my fingers.

The pain was causing a strange burning sensation behind my eyes.

My breath caught in my chest.

"I am in control of my emotions." I told myself with false confidence.

Chapel shook her head.

My vision had cleared.

I saw her as she was, now.

"The others think that, I don't." she muttered, her eyes shining.

I knew I was hurting her.

And yet, I envied her.

It was nothing compared to what I was feeling right now.

She pressed her hand to my cheek.

"Now, I love you." she pleaded, meeting my gaze again. The other hand went to my other cheek.

The same movement that Susan was so fond of.

The burning in my eyes became worse.

"Oh I don't know why but I love you." she paused, "Just as you are."

Something deep inside me burst.

Oh how often I had heard that exact phrase in Susan's mind.

I could hear her laughter. I could smell her hair.

It was killing me, it hurt so badly.

"Oh I love you." she groaned, kissing my hands gently.

I had to get out of here.

This whole situation was so incredibly illogical.

It was hurting me, hurting her.

"I'm sorry." I eventually whispered, letting the axe fall.

The intercom buzzed to life beside me.

"Mr. Spock could you take the bridge" Uhura's voice rang into the space.

I met her gaze again.

I felt like a monster and a dead man all at once.

"Acknowledge." the intercom screeched.

Her big eyes were filling with tears.

Once again, I seemed to see Susan.

It seemed to make my heart burn even more.

"I am sorry...." I stressed again. The name Susan was on the tip of my tongue, but I suppressed it.

"Christine!" she wailed.

I nodded, trying to clear Susan's face out of my mind.

"Christine." I whispered hoarsely, in an attempt to convince myself.

I took my hand back as the intercom whistled to life yet again.

"Bridge to Sick Bay, is Mr. Spock there?"

Her fingers grazed my hand as I turned to exit.

It felt as though acid was pushing up against my optic nerve.

I leaned up against the wall as the doors shut behind me.

I put my head in my hands, attempting to dispel the pain.

But her face was even more prominent when I closed my eyes.

"Mr. Spock, would you please acknowledge?!?" an intercom in front of me asked sternly.

I drew in a large breath, collecting myself.

I began walking down the hallway, hoping to shake it off.

For a moment, I thought I was truly going to do it.

And then once again, the words rang in my mind: "I love you, Mr. Spock."

I halted, shaking my head, desperately trying to get the voice out of my mind.

I'm in control of my emotions.

I'm in control of my emotions.

My breath caught in my throat again, only this time the catch caused me to shake.

It was a sob.

The burning behind my eyes was turning liquid, oozing out of the rims.

I'm in control of my emotions.

I'm in control....

I looked around frantically for someplace to hide.

I couldn't be seen like this.

I continued forth, my vision becoming blurred with the foreign tears.

By some miracle I saw the briefing room doors.

I blindly prayed that it was vacant.

I stumbled over the threshold, letting the doors shut sharply behind me.

I let out a sharp sob, and leaned against the door.

In clips and phrases, I saw and heard bits of Susan Perry.

Her eyes, her crooked grin, her laugh....

"What's brown and sticky?"

My insides lurched and the tears came surging forth, spilling over the edges and onto my face.

They were hot, and sad.

I wiped them off with my fingers.

I took in another deep breath.

I am in control...

"I am IN CONTROL of my emotions!" I proclaimed to the empty room.

I sounded so convincing, that for a moment, I could see clearly.

Yes, in crystal clarity I could see Susan's body-her empty shell lying rigid on the gurney.

"I'm in control of my-" I was broken off by an enormous sob that shuddered through my body.

It was no use.

It hurt so much.

I shook my head, trying to clear the image from my head.

"I am an officer! Officer..."

The sobs continued. It angered me and frustrated me, only making the tears worse.

I pounded my fist into my hand, as if it would stem the flow.

I sniffed loudly.

"My duty.....My duty is to..."

My duty was to her.

I was given a creature that fit me like the answer to an equation.

There is only one answer.

There was only one Susan.

And I let her be killed.

The realization stunned me, and for a moment I was completely still.

Why didn't I protect her.

In so many ways, it could have been stopped.

I put my hand to my face.

I was ashamed of myself.

This damned logic.

It was a prison. It was a cage.

I hated Vulcan. I hated the part of me that was corrupted by it. I hated it, entirely.

In my minds eye, I saw Susan's Vulcan. The soft sand, the moon-like planet in the sky, the twisted trees.

The breeze that kissed her as she twirled.

"My duty is to........I'm sorry!"

A new sob rocked my body, and I walked forward, grasping onto one of the chairs.

I sat down.

I looked at the viewing screen in front of me.

I had to distract myself from the pain.

I couldn't control the emotions, but the stabbing was unbearable.

"Two....Four.....Six......"

Logic, Logic needed to step in.

It needed to save me now.

It had ruined me, and now it needed to numb me.

"Six times six is......."

My eyes clenched shut tight and I pounded the table with my fist.

The sobs weren't silent anymore.

They were loud, they were hollow. They sounded half as bad as how I felt.

I let them come, they were welcome now.

Nothing could save me now.

I laid my head in my hands, and continued to let the sobs rip through me.

She was gone.

And I would never be completed again.

--------------------------

I'm not sure how long I was lying there.

But when Jim walked in, my throat was raw and my eyes were sore.

The laws of logic had ruined my life.

Not just with Susan.

My mother never heard that I loved her.

Jim leaned over me, very uptight.

"My mother.... I never told her I love her." I confessed.

I am a monster. A Vulcan monster.

"We've got four minutes! Maybe five!" Jim spat.

"Earth woman....Living on a planet where love and emotion are.... bad taste."

I would have been selfish enough to submit Susan to the same fate, I knew it.

Perhaps she is better off dead.

I knew I would have been....

Jim grabbed my arm, hard.

"We've GOT to risk a full power charge! There's no time to regenerate!"

He had pulled me out of the chair now, and was shaking me.

"Do you hear me? WE HAVE GOT TO RISK A FULL POWER START!"

I was oblivious to his problems.

I have been treating my mother so wrongly.

I had treated Susan so wrongly. I hadn't given her half of what she deserved. I felt sick of myself.

"It was because of my father, my customs. I was ashamed to-"

Jim hit me hard in the face.

I looked back at him, shocked more than hurt.

"Jim!" I said, hoarsely.

He didn't understand! Why couldn't he understand?

"When I feel friendship for you...I am ashamed!"

He hit me again, yelling, "You've GOT to HEAR me!"

I grabbed his hand, stopping it mid-swing.

"WE NEED A FORMULA! OR RISK IMPLOSION."

I threw his hand down, angrily. He wasn't listening to me!

"Never been done!" I grunted.

Why wasn't he feeling my pain? He was my human friend.

"Understand, Jim. I've spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings..." It was almost an apology. To him, to her...

He hit me again.

A surge of anger went shaking through me.

I hit him back.

My Vulcan strength sent him flying across the conference table.

He was determined, and sprang back to his feet.

"WE MUST RISK IMPLOSION! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!"

I shook my head in a melancholy manner.

"It's never been done!"

"DON'T TELL ME THAT AGAIN, FIRST OFFICER! ITS JUST A THEORY, IT'S POSSIBLE. WE MAY GO UP INTO THE BIGGEST BALL OF FIRE THESE PARTS HAVE SEEN SINCE THEIR SUN EXPLODED BUT WE'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT 1 IN 10,000TH CHANCE!"

The intercom wheezed to life, asking the Captain if he had found me.

"YES I FOUND MR. SPOCK, I'M TALKING TO MR. SPOCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" he slammed the button down hard.

"Yes sir. 3.5 minutes left, Captain." The voice responded calmly.

He looked down at his palm. It was moist with sweat.

"...I've got it.....I've got the disease!" he cried, wiping his hands together.

I looked at him.

The ship was most likely going to expire.

The outlook seemed to insignificant compared to my loss.

That thought stirred me back into reality.

I couldn't let this ship die! The people on this vessel had family, friends! They were not redshirts. They were not statistics.

That is when I realized the true value of a human life.

Or any life.

I cleared my mind, and found in the deepest cracks of my conscious, the formula Jim was looking for.

I would save this ship.

It's what Susan would have wanted.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Or the one.

--------------------

I blinked.

My mouth had fallen open.

I promptly shut it.

The flashbacks had been so real, I could feel the ache in my chest pounding like a bruise.

My fingers were still on Jim's head, feeling his pain.

I would spare anyone from this fate.

Especially my best friend.

"Forget." I whispered huskily.

He did.