"Jonathan, how good to see you, old friend!" exclaimed Oswald Cobblepot at the entrance to the Iceberg Lounge. "And who is your charming companion?"

"This is Miss Emilia Lee, Oswald," said Crane. "Who has done me the very great honor of accompanying me to dinner this evening."

"Charmed, my dear," said Cobblepot, bowing and kissing Emilia's hand. "And how is dear Lenore this evening?" he cooed, petting Lenore who perched on Crane's shoulder. "Professor Crane is indeed a fortunate man to have two such beautiful females accompanying him. Right this way and I'll show you to your table," he said, beckoning them inside.

Crane entered and froze suddenly in the doorway. "Oh God, no!" he gasped, staring in horror inside the Iceberg Lounge. "We have to go, quickly," he said, turning to usher Emilia away. "We have to get out of here right now…"

"Johnny!" shouted a familiar voice, as the Joker stood up and waved from the table where he, Harley, and their two children sat in highchairs.

"Too late," Crane muttered to himself.

"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!" said Joker, beaming as he and his family came over to their table. "I never thought I'd see the day when you were out with a woman! Guess that's kinda the reverse of outing yourself, huh? Inning yourself?" he laughed. "Unless this is just all to make Hatty jealous, of course, and the woman's not your date…"

"Of course she's my date!" snapped Crane. "Joker, Harley, this is Emilia Lee. Emilia, the Joker and Harley Quinn."

"It's very nice to meet you," said Emilia.

"Aw, that's so cute!" exclaimed Harley, smiling at Crane. "I'm so glad you've finally found yourself a nice girl, Johnny! You deserve one! And about time too, huh?"

"Yes, quite," agreed Crane. "Lovely to see you both, now go away."

"Now that's no way to be!" exclaimed Joker, smiling. "We should get to know your date to make sure we approve – no way I'm gonna let my pal Johnny date a gal who's unworthy of him, ain't that right, pooh?" he asked Harley.

"You're such a sweet, selfless, thoughtful guy, puddin'!" sighed Harley, as Joker pulled up two chairs to Crane's table. Harley sat down with the twins squirming in her embrace. "Always looking out for our friends!"

Crane glared at Joker, trying to control his temper. "Actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't crash our date…"

"Don't be silly – she don't mind. Do you, sweetheart?" asked Joker, turning to Emilia.

"It's fine, Jonathan, really," said Emilia.

"No, it isn't," growled Crane. The twins suddenly began crying, which did nothing to alleviate his annoyance.

"Aw, they're hungry," cooed Harley, rocking them gently in her arms. "Feeding time, huh, babies? You want some of Mommy's yummy milk?"

"I thought they were…eating solid food now," stammered Crane, as Harley casually began pulling her top down and exposing her breasts.

"They're only partially weaned - they like candy, but they also like boobies!" laughed Joker. "Take after their Daddy!"

"Puddin', don't be a bad boy!" giggled Harley, as she put the twins to her breasts. They latched on, sucking noisily.

"You got a problem with a woman breastfeeding her babies in public?" asked Joker, noticing Crane's uncomfortable expression.

"No," retorted Crane, holding up his hand and averting his eyes away from the awkward sight. "I just…don't see why it has to happen on my date."

"So what is it you do, sweetheart?" asked Joker of Emilia. "Haven't seen you at the supercriminal gatherings."

"No, I'm a librarian," said Emilia.

"Librarian, eh?" said Joker, thoughtfully. "Not sure I'd do a librarian. They ain't traditionally exciting lovers. Shrinks on the other hand…" he chuckled, smiling at Harley.

"Puddin', stop!" she giggled. "You're in such a naughty mood tonight!"

"Yes, I am," agreed Joker, grinning. "And I bet Johnny is too, am I right? Think you're gonna get lucky tonight?"

"I have no intention of getting lucky tonight!" snapped Crane. "It's the furthest thought from my mind, actually! Not that I don't find you attractive, my dear," Crane added, hastily. "Or that I wouldn't be open to the idea…somewhere along the line…if you wanted to, of course…not that I'm expecting…can we get some wine over here, please?" he called, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, drinking will help with the nervousness your first time," said Joker, nodding. "What about you, sweetheart? If it's your first time, I think you can probably do better than Johnny. Especially since I think he's probably just sham dating you to make his boyfriend jealous…"

"Joker, for the last time…" began Crane.

"Are you ok, Emilia?" asked Harley, who had managed to tear her eyes away from her babies and saw Emilia rubbing her eye.

"Yes, just a little…irritated by the mascara, I think," said Emilia.

"You might be allergic," said Harley. "I'm allergic to the glue on those fake eyelashes, which I only wore once, and my eyes looked like that for weeks afterward. Really, really red and swollen…"

"Yeah, people thought I hit her!" chuckled Joker. "Which I do, but it was worse than one of my shiners!"

"I'm going to go wash it off in the bathroom – excuse me," said Emilia, standing up.

"Joker, I want you to leave right now!" snapped Crane as Emilia headed for the bathroom. "I will not let you ruin my only chance at happiness by offending and scaring away the girl I'm interested in!"

"All right, take it easy, Johnny," said Joker. "I was just messing with ya. Need to make sure the gal's got a sense of humor, don't I? That's my job!"

"I think she's really sweet, Johnny," said Harley, sincerely. "Pretty too."

"Yeah, if you like the nerd with glasses look!" chuckled Joker.

"I wore glasses like that when you met me!" snapped Harley.

"Yeah, so obviously I liked the nerd with glasses look," retorted Joker, shrugging.

Harley beamed, leaning over to kiss him. "I think it's all off now," said Emilia, returning and taking her seat. "Although my eyes still itch."

"Allergies, like I said," said Harley, nodding. "I was a doctor, y'know."

"You were a shrink," retorted Joker.

"I went to medical school!" she snapped.

"You're probably right – I'll just hope this is as bad as it gets," said Emilia. "I don't want dinner to be spoiled…"

"Too late for that," said Crane, pointedly, glaring at Joker and Harley.

Joker grinned, standing up. "Fine, I can take a hint. If the babies are full, cover the funbags up and let's go, Harl," he said.

Harley handed the twins to Joker as she pulled her top back up. "And don't pretend you didn't enjoy that – wasn't that long ago you would have killed to see Harley topless," said Joker, smiling at Crane.

"Thank you, Joker, goodbye!" snapped Crane.

The final, parting humiliation came from J.J., who had had a bit too much milk, and suddenly vomited from his father's arms onto Crane's shirt. "Good shot, J.J.!" cooed Joker, holding him up and Eskimo kissing him as J.J. giggled. "Who's my little comedy genius? It's just like the end of the Mr. Creosote sketch in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life!" he chuckled. "And with that pleasant image, enjoy the rest of your date!"

"I'd prefer the pleasant image of ritually disemboweling him piece by piece," growled Crane, wiping up the vomit from his shirt.

"Is that the woman you were talking about, who you were in love with but picked somebody else?" asked Emilia, nodding after Harley. "I assume that's what he meant by you wanting to see her topless."

"Yes," snapped Crane. "But that's all in the past now. She's moved on with her life, as you see, and I've moved on with mine."

Emilia nodded, rubbing her eyes again. "Oh God, are you crying?" asked Crane, noticing tears. "I swear to you, my dear, I'm not still in love with her…"

"I'm not crying," retorted Emilia. "My eyes are just watering from that damn mascara. I trust you, Jonathan. And I'm not the jealous type anyway. I think far too little of myself to be paranoid that a man who was with me would want anyone else. I assume if he's with me, he's given up and realized he has to settle."

"That's a terrible thing to say," retorted Crane. "I'm not settling for you. If anything, you're settling for me. You're still very young, and very attractive…"

"Well, I think you're very attractive," she said. "So I guess neither of us is settling."

They smiled at each other as the food arrived. Lenore fluttered down from Crane's shoulder, dipping eagerly into the plate of seeds that Penguin had sent over for her. Emilia took a few bites from her meal, trying to ignore the itching in her eyes. It didn't work.

"Excuse me again," she said, heading for the bathroom and trying to awkwardly douse her swollen eyes with water from the sink, which mostly just resulted in her getting water all over her hair and dress, and very little in her eyes.

"We should get you some allergy medication on the drive home," said Crane as she sat back down.

"Yes, that would be lovely," she said. "Most dates end with a kiss – mine ends with allergy medication. Hopefully we'll laugh about this on our second date."

"You've determined you'd like one, then?" asked Crane.

"Yes," she replied. "Although perhaps someplace where you don't have friends next time."

"The Joker is no friend of mine," snapped Crane.

"He's taller than I thought he'd be," said Emilia. "And his kids are cute."

"You like children?" asked Crane.

Emilia nodded. "Odd from someone who was bullied by children, I know. But I've always wanted kids so I can teach them what not to do to other children. Do you like children?"

"Not the Joker's children," retorted Crane, wiping his shirt again. "But I've always wanted children of my own, for similar reasons. And, even if they are bullied, so that they can come home to me, and I can comfort them, and tell them I love them, and that they mustn't listen to what the other children say, because they're perfect just the way they are…which my parents never did to me, of course."

"I'm sorry," said Emilia. "But I think you'd make a wonderful father."

Crane smiled at her. "You don't think we should wait a few dates before discussing this?"

"I don't see why – it's best to know from the outset if two people in a relationship are incompatible because of dissimilar life goals," retorted Emilia. "But now we know we aren't."

"Are…we in a relationship?" asked Crane, slowly.

"I assume so," said Emilia, shrugging. "Don't you want to give it that label?"

"Oh yes," he said, hastily. "I just never thought…I would ever be in a relationship. It's an odd thing to consider."

"Well, nor did I," agreed Emilia. "And yet, here we are."

She raised her glass to him, taking a sip of wine, and then put it down again. "Excuse me – my eye again," she said, standing up.

They left the Iceberg Lounge the moment they finished dinner, which they hurried through to get to a drugstore to find Emilia some allergy medicine. It relieved the itchiness slightly, but the swelling was still there as Crane climbed the stairs to her apartment with her, having left Lenore in the car. Emilia's vision had been impaired by the swelling, so he had to help her up the steps, holding her hand.

"Well, this was hardly the perfect date I imagined," she said when they reached her door.

"No," he agreed. "But permit me to say that…even like this…you look incredibly beautiful."

"I can't see if you're lying or not," she retorted. "But then I can't see much of anything."

"I'm not lying," he said.

She smiled. "Well, thank you."

"Not at all. Thank you for accompanying me to dinner," he said.

"I couldn't very well have refused you, after seeing how much courage it took for you to ask me out," she said. "Plus I didn't want to – you're very cute when you're nervous."

"Then I must be very cute now," he said.

"I can't see anything, like I said," she retorted.

They were silent, and Emilia cleared her throat. "Well…thank you for paying."

"My pleasure."

"I'd like to pay for our next meal together."

"If you insist."

There was silence again, and Emilia sighed. "Look, I can't see very well, and I can't stay out here all night. Are you going to kiss me or not?"

"I…would like to, but…it's not the kind of thing one just…does, is it?" he stammered.

"Well, you'd better hurry up about it, or I'm going inside," retorted Emilia. "I need to rest my eyes as soon as poss…"

His mouth interrupted her, kissing her tenderly but firmly. Emilia had never been kissed before, but she liked it – the feel of his soft, gentle lips pressed against hers, softly searching and exploring as her mouth yielded to his tender caresses. She gasped a little in shock at the sensation of her blood pounding through her heart, his kiss flooding her body with new and incredible feelings. She slid her arms around his neck, pulling him deeper into her and not letting him draw away.

They drew apart at last, breathing gently. "Goodnight," he whispered.

"Goodnight," she said.

An irresistible force drew them together again, and they shared another kiss before parting. Emilia entered her apartment, and Crane headed back to his car. Lenore cawed at him as the door opened.

"Yes, I did kiss her!" snapped Crane. "Are you happy now?"

Lenore nodded, cooing approvingly. "I bet you thought I would be too scared to, but I did," he continued. "I kissed her. And she kissed me, and then we kissed again…"

He smiled. "It was truly, despite everything, the best night of my life," he whispered. He started the engine, backing the car out with a grin and muttering triumphantly, "So take that, Joker."