The Artemis Fowl Gang and the Harry Potter Gang in Preschool
Okay, everyone is about the same age, despite age differences in the actual books. It's just for the stories, and Holly is here, and, for story sakes, all manner of elves live above ground and it's totally normal. Characters will probably be OC, but they're only toddlers.
Now, for the Ritalin part, I'm not an expert on it, but I pretty much based it the South Park episode I saw once, where the kids were all slow and dopey.
Artemis Fowl entered into the classroom for preschool, carrying a little Iron Man backpack. He would have preferred a plain one, but Angeline thought Iron Man was "just adoweable for my widdle man!" Artemis could never understand why his Mum developed a speech impediment when buying "cute" things for her son.
The others students were already there, ready to begin the day. Root was sneaking into the teacher's purse and grabbing a few of her cigarettes.
"I gotta go smoke," he whispered to Artemis, tiptoeing out.
"You're three years old." Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Well, they start younger and younger," muttered Root, one already stuck into the corner of his mouth.
Artemis sighed and crammed his mini back pack into one of the cubbies and he straightened his Armani suit.
The teacher, Ms. Potluck, a young, fresh faced thing straight from college, ambled over to him.
"Hi, Artemis!"
"That's Master Fowl to you."
The Ms. Potluck blinked at him. "Uh, yeah, well, I came to tell you, remember what I said last class, to wear something you won't mind getting paint on? You wouldn't want to get paint on that suit would you? Were doing art today!" Secretly, in her head, she wondered who sent to their toddler to preschool in an Armani suit.
"Ma'am, unlike you perhaps, I am quite capable of remaining neat and tidy, all the while producing a masterpiece worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci himself," replied Artemis coolly.
Ms. Potluck just blinked again and walked off.
Artemis walked through the room, trying to avoid the throngs of snot nosed, screaming tots. Foaly, a centaur, was bucking and neighing, because a little boy was trying to ride him.
"I WANT A PONY RIDE!" the boy was shrieking. "GIDDY UP!"
"I AM NOT A PONY!" Foaly screamed.
"Hey, Artemis!" shouted a red haired boy, blowing his nose on his hand and then reaching for Artemis's shirt. "Is that silk! Ohhh, looks soft!"
"Get away, Ron!" shouted Artemis, leaning back.
Just as Ron's snotty fingers were an inch away from Artemis's shirt, a growl was heard and Ron went flying through the air, to land on a bean chair.
A toddler, with blond, short hair stood there. He was huge! Compared to everyone else who wore a 3T or 4T size, this kid had to be wearing a least a 10-12 in boy clothes. He was about four feet tall and had rippling muscles.
"Oh, thank you," said Artemis. "What's your name?"
"Butler," said the toddler. "That's my sister over there." He pointed to a girl wearing a fashionable and cute Gucci dress and little Mary Jane shoes. She had braided pigtails with a jade ring on the end of each one and was currently beating a boy into submission for trying to tie her braids to the back of a chair.
"Were new," explained Butler. "And my sister, well she doesn't like having her hair tied to a chair."
"Ah, of course," said Artemis. "I am Artemis Fowl the Second. I think you shall be my body guard."
"Okay," said Butler.
"Come meet my friend." Artemis walked to a table where a little elf girl with short red hair was sitting, kicking her feet. She was wearing little pink suede boots and a pink dress with flowers stitched into it.
"Hi, Awtemis!" she said.
She was the only one who could mispronounce Artemis's name and get away with it.
"Hi, Holly," replied Artemis. "This is Butler and that's Juliet."
Juliet came flouncing over; the boy she had been beating up was being helped up the teacher.
"Who did this to you?"asked the teacher, seeing his bloody nose. She had never noticed when Juliet had been hitting the boy.
"I-I-Juliet-she-" the boy began, but Juliet glared at him and began fingering the jade piece on one of her pigtails. "I mean-I fell."
"Some teacher we have," muttered Artemis, taking a piece of construction paper. The kids were supposed to be cutting out shapes with safety scissors.
Ron came to the table and sat down. "I'm sorry," he told Artemis.
"Don't put your snotty fingers on me again," said Artemis. "And don't touch Holly either, or you'll upset her."
"I wike you Awtemis!" said Holly, leaning over and pecking Artemis on the cheek. Then she blushed and hid her face behind a piece of construction paper. Artemis blushed as well.
"Ron, can't you ever wipe your nose off?" asked a fluffy haired girl sitting down as well. A black haired boy sat next to her. His glasses were held together with a lot of sello tape.
"Sure, Hermione," said Ron, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
"Yuck," said the black haired boy.
"Why you got a scar?" asked Holly, pointing at him.
"Oh," said the boy, fingering the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. "My Aunt and Uncle told me I got into a car accident with my parents. I don't really remember it though."
"Harry is suffering from post traumatic stress," called Foaly. "He doesn't remember because he blocked it out."
"But I was one," said Harry. "I don't remember much of anything from that age."
"You're doing it all wrong!" Hermione was scolding Ron, who was trying to cut out a shape. "You hold the scissors like this-
"I don't need your help!" squawked Ron. "I'll just use my wand to do it."
"Go on then, let me see you do it," said Hermione, folding her arms, her frizzy hair quivering indignantly. "Without your wand though, because the teacher said that's cheating."
Ron cut out a shape and held it up. "It's a pig!"
"It looks like a shapeless lump," snickered a tiny, black haired girl.
Artemis sighed. Opal. The most annoying pixie in school.
The girl cut and folded and bent construction paper until she had a 3-D pop up dragon sitting in her hand.
"Beat that," she said, dumping it in the middle of the table. She sat down and ordered her lackeys, Merv and Scant, to bring her a box of pencils from the shelf.
"And be quick about it!" she snapped. Merv and Scant rushed to the shelf, tripping in their haste.
"Class, quiet down," said Ms. Potluck, having returned from taking the beat up boy to the nurse. Root was sitting in class now, smoking a cigarette in plain sight.
"Ms. Potluck will see!" hissed Holly.
"Pfft." Root rolled his eyes. "I realized I may as not bother to hide and smoke in the bathrooms. Ms. Potluck wouldn't notice if somebody ran in and kidnapped half the class."
"Remember, I said you have to bring something to class for show and tell. Did everybody bring something?" Ms. Potluck called to everyone.
There were murmurs of yes.
Holly went first, showing a doll she had.
"This is Bawbie," she said.
"Stupid Mud Maid doll," Opal muttered. "I hate Barbie."
"Everybody quiet down," said Ms. Potluck.
"I have lots of outfits for Bawbie," continued Holly. "And she awso has a set of nun-chucks at home and a waser gun, to shoot monsters with!" She smiled at the class. "I caw it a Neutwino."
"Oookay," said Ms. Potluck. "Enough of your violent Barbie. Next, please."
Harry went up. "All I have that I could bring from home was my last pair of socks with no holes in them. They used to be Dudley's." The socks were horribly stretched out, like Bigfoot had worn them. "My Aunt and Uncle don't let me have toys. Dudley gets everything."
"That is no excuse to not bring something!" said Ms. Potluck. "I don't believe for a second that you're Aunt and Uncle doesn't let you have toys. You just forgot and grabbed the first thing you could on the way out the door. You get an F!"
Harry sat down, his lower lip wobbly. "I'm going to fail preschool, and who fails preschool?"
Butler went up next and showed off a pair of nun-chucks. He had brought a wooden dummy to demonstrate on.
"My Uncle gave me these for my birthday and showed me how to use them." Butler showed them his skill by using the nun-chucks to reduce the wooden dummy to a pile of splinters.
"Very nice," said Ms. Potluck. "Please put those away before you knock someone out."
Opal came up and showed them a miniature computer she had built herself from a toaster and a cell phone.
The class was visibly awed and Opal sat down afterwards with a smug look.
Artemis went next, straightening his suit.
"I have built what I called the C-cube," he said, pulling out a small device. He explained that it can read any material, VHS, DVD, cell phones, CD's, cassette tapes, ect. It made Opal's little computer look like something from the Stone Age. He took Ms. Potluck's smart phone and placed it on the scanner where it showed that she had an online dating profile and that her profile picture had been photo-shopped to make herself look a whole lot skinner.
Ms. Potluck, who was a little chubby, appeared quite angry. "Give me my phone!" She snatched it back. "You get extra credit, but don't bring my dating profile up again!"
Opal fumed in her seat. How come she didn't get extra credit!
Hermione brought up a huge set of encyclopedias that she had memorized word for word.
Ron brought his toy broomstick and tried to fly it, only to end up crashing into the wall and breaking his wand.
"My wand!" he screeched There was only a splinter holding it together.
The teacher tossed him some tape.
"I need Spello tape though; the regular sello tape won't work!" Ron looked frantic.
"Just make do!"
"Mum's gonna kill me!"
Foaly showed everyone his special bike, created especially for centaurs. He rode it around the room despite Ms. Potluck asking him not to, and rolled over Roots foot.
"You just wait!" shouted Root, puffing away on his cigarette. "One day you'll be working me for me and I will cut your budget!"
Finally, it was painting time and the kids started making pictures. Harry drew a picture of his Uncle locking him in his cupboard.
"What is that?" asked Ms. Potluck. "Is that supposed to be your feelings of how alone and inept you feel, due to your bad grades in class?"
Harry blinked at her. "No, it's my Uncle locking me in my cupboard."
Ms. Potluck clucked her tongue. "I think I need to have a discussion with your Aunt and Uncle about your poor grades and how depressed it is making you."
Harry started to cry as Ms. Potluck walked away. He turned to Hermione. "They're going to lock me up again!"
Foaly had drawn a picture of himself a cowboy (cow centaur?), complete with guns and a bandana, saving a western town from bandits.
Holly had drawn a picture of her and Artemis holding hands with a lot of little pink hearts above their heads. The words, "Hollee and Artimess 4 ever" were on the bottom. The r's were all backwards.
"How cute!" cooed Ms. Potluck. "You have a crush on Artemis!"
Holly blew a kiss to Artemis and hid behind her canvas, blushing. Artemis pretended to catch and the kiss and plant it on his cheek.
Artemis had drawn Dance at Bougival, a famous Renoir painting, except the girl looked like Holly and the boy looked like Artemis. It was a truly a masterpiece, considering he had used Crayola water colors.
Ms. Potluck stared at it. "I think we should have your I.Q tested."
"Already have, ma'am," stated Artemis, adding a touch more red to Holly's hat. "I am the smartest boy in Europe."
"Well, extra credit as usual," said Ms. Potluck. "Not that you need it."
Ron had drawn was he swore was a goblin, but it looked like a green splotch on the paper.
Opal had drawn Artemis and Holly being squashed by trolls, while she herself ate truffles and watched from a TV screen and wore a fur lined cloak and a gold crown. Ms. Potluck looked at it, and somehow, she missed the part of Artemis and Holly being murdered by trolls, despite the gushing blood Opal had liberally painted in.
"Oh, how cute, you're a queen."
"Damn right, you dumb ass."
"What was that?'
"I'm a pwincess!" Opal said quickly, batting her lashes.
"Of course you are sweetie." Ms. Potluck ruffled her hair.
Butler had drawn him and Juliet fighting hordes of ninjas, while Juliet herself and designed a fashionable dress on her canvas. Hermione had drawn herself in the future, studying books.
Then it was milk and cookie time, Artemis gave Holly one of his cookies, which thrilled her.
"Thank you, Awtemis!" she cooed. "You my best fwend!"
Harry scarfed his milk and cookies down, like a starving animal.
"Sheesh, calm down," said Artemis.
"My Aunt and Uncle haven't fed me in two days!" said Harry. "They tried to cut my hair and it grew back somehow, so I got locked up and they didn't feed me."
Artemis gave him the rest of his cookies and milk. "Here, you can have it."
Ron got a Howler after milk and cookies. His mum's voice screeched at him for failing story time.
Hermione giggled. "How do you fail story time!?" Ron shot her a mean look. "I mean-I mean-story time is quite hard to pass."
The story for today was the three bears and the teacher promised lollipops if they behaved. Artemis sat in the back and drew his knees up to hide the book he had in his lap. Quantum physics For Experts was written on the cover. He had Butler sit in front of him to shield him so he could read in peace. He didn't care about the bears and their porridge.
"Remember, don't fidget and you get a lollipop!" Ms. Potluck told them cheerily.
"I hate lollipops," Artemis muttered, opening his book.
Ron fidgeted as usual and didn't get a lollipop.
Then it was naptime and Artemis spent the time meditating while Holly, next to him, curled up on her mat and sucked on her thumb. Foaly twitched on his mat and muttered something about carrots. Harry, apparently having a nightmare, muttered something about green light and bad wizards.
After naptime, they could spend time playing with whatever they wanted.
Holly dragged Artemis over to a table and made him play house.
"You be the daddy and I be the mummy," said Holly, handing him a doll. Butler stood behind Artemis.
"I'm not ready to be a father!" wailed Artemis. "It's too soon!"
Butler looked at Holly. "As his body guard, I must ask you to cease and desist from accusing this man of being the father of this baby, when, clearly, it is not his."
Artemis shrugged. "I guess I must take responsibility."
"What's responibwity?" asked Holly.
"Never mind."
Juliet came over to play. "I want to be the mommy!" She snatched a doll from Holly.
"No, you be the babeeee!" whined Holly.
"Give Holly the baby back," said Artemis, trying to snatch it back.
Juliet didn't like having her hair tied to the back so of chairs, and she also didn't like having things snatched from her, despite the fact she had just done that to someone.
Juliet roared and smacked Artemis in the nose with her jade rings.
"OW!"
Artemis tried to beat Juliet with the baby doll.
"CHILD ABUSE!" shrieked Holly.
Butler hesitated, torn. Should he be loyal to Artemis, his principle, or his sister?
He settled for punching both in the face.
Holly squealed and began swatting the baby doll around, catching Opal in the face who was passing. Opal sputtered angrily and jumped on Holly who and they began rolling around, pulling each other's hair. They bumped into Harry who joined in the fight and got his glasses broken.
In a minute, the whole classroom was fighting. Ms. Potluck, who had snuck out for a smoke, came back to the find the room in turmoil. Ron went flying out a window, having been flung by Butler after sneezing directly onto Artemis's suit. Artemis was in freak out mode, running around with a bruised nose and a snotty suit. Harry was running around, crashing into things.
"My glasses! I need my glasses!" he squealed. "I can't see!"
A good deal of Hermione's frizzy hair had been ripped off and lay in clumps around the room. Juliet was holding Opal above her head and spinning around.
"I saw this on a wrestling show!" shouted Juliet. She gave a good heave and Opal found herself hurtling toward the chalk board.
"STOP THIS INSTANT!" screamed Ms. Potluck, trying to tearing a couple of other students apart. She couldn't believe it. All she did was sneak out to have a smoke and chaos ensues.
A little girl was climbing the cubbies. One boy was writing curse words on the chalk board. One boy got too close to Artemis with a sharp pencil and he found himself with his head zipped into a lunch box, courtesy of Butler.
Root pick pocketed Ms. Potluck and snagged a couple more cigarettes.
Finally the principle came in, hearing the ruckus and broke everybody up. The boy in the lunch box was released, his face covered in applesauce.
Ms. Potluck made up a story, saying the kids just all suddenly went out of control and she had no idea why.
"She went out to smoke!" shouted Artemis. "She left us unattended and should be fired for gross negligence and child endangerment!
"I did no such thing!" said Ms. Potluck, checking to make sure her cigarettes were well hidden in her pocket. "How dare you tell such lies? I shall be having a talk with all your parents!"
A few days later, the kids were all sitting in class, doped up on Ritalin.
The windows were open and Ms. Potluck sat at her desk, feet propped up, smoking away while she chatted on her cell phone.
"Yeah, totally," she was saying, while most of the kids languidly scribbled on paper, the Ritalin dulling their senses. "I told their parents that they all had ADHD and now they are all on Ritalin, to calm them down. So I can pretty much do whatever I want."
The only toddler, who wasn't on Ritalin, was Artemis. He had tricked his mother into thinking he had taken his pill, when really, he hadn't. But everyone else had.
He looked Holly. She stared blankly at him and then yawned. Ron was dozing. Harry was just staring into space. Hermione could only remember half the stuff she'd memorized in her encyclopedias.
"I'm so freaked out, but I can't show it," she intoned slowly.
"Duuuude," said Juliet.
Root had a cigarettes hanging out his mouth, not lit. Harry, his glasses patched up with tape, somehow managed to cut his own fingers with the safety scissors.
"I guess there not really so safe," said Artemis.
"Safe?" asked Harry, in wonderment, while some blood squirted across the table from the cut. Ms. Potluck didn't notice, she was too busy updating her dating profile.
Artemis realized his worst fear had come true. He, of course, was smarter than just about anybody in the world, and was used to others inferiority. But his worst fear was to be around a bunch of people who couldn't even have a half way intelligent conversation. He looked around desperately. He needed someone to talk to.
Opal. She was pretty smart, despite her smugness and jacked up sense of self importance. But no…Opal was staring to space out the window, her eyes glazed over. She couldn't even muster the gumption to smack Merv and Scant for taking too long while fetching her favorite coloring book.
Artemis shivered in fear. He was alone-there was nobody to have a half decent conversation with. He may as well be alone.
"NOOOO!" he shrieked, looking up toward the ceiling.
