Chapter 7 - To Be Good, Or To Be Right
It was a bright and sunny day, and a group of teenagers were out playing on the deck of a vacant freighter. Of course, given that they were throwing around fireballs and lasers, their definition of 'playing' might be a bit different from the norm.
"Okay, okay, everyone just hold up for a second here!" Spider-Man tiredly called everyone to his attention, bringing the play fighting to a halt. "Alright, who here can tell me what they were doing wrong in these exercises?"
"Uh, nothing? Because we were doing everything right?" Chase joked, getting a high five from Molly and a gentle slap on the back of the head from Spider-Girl, who was decked out in her new uniform. "What did I do?" He whined playfully.
"Roasting the targets to a smoldering crisp, that's what you did." Firestar scolded him as she pointed to the piles of ashes that were once wooden targets.
"So did you!" Chase countered bitterly.
"Wrong, I only singed my targets." She corrected him as she pointed to her targets, which were still intact, showing only slight scorches on wooden cutouts painted like armed thugs. "A few mild burns will take out a common thug for at least a few weeks, and make them seriously reevaluate their lifestyle while they recover. What you were doing would take them out of commission for good."
"...You say that like it's a bad thing." Chase muttered bitterly.
"Because it is a bad thing." Spider-Man gently scolded him. "Just because the bad guys will be shooting to kill most of the time doesn't mean we have to. If anything, it just means we have to work even harder not to stoop to their level."
"If a cop has an armed robber with at least one kill on their hands at gunpoint, and it looks like they might get away, is it a crime for the cop to shoot to kill?" Chase retorted.
"Technically, no." Spider-Girl answered sympathetically, her father's career giving her plenty of inside information and perspective. "Still, that doesn't give us the excuse to go around killing criminals indiscriminately. If we did that, we'd be no better than people like the Punishers."
"Look, I accept that you guys have your own code, but we're still amateurs compared to some of you." Nico cut in. "We may have had our powers, or gadgets, or what have you for about a year now, but we've never really been all that good at using them. I mean, let's be honest here. Chase uses machines, but he's a disaster with anything mechanical. Molly is the strongest physically, but her endurance and control stinks. Karolina is a pacifist, and Gert and Old Lace are sarcastic and bitter cynics, no offense."
"None taken." Gert remarked proudly as Old Lace held its head high.
"And as for me, my powers aren't exactly something you can practice at." Nico admitted. "I mean, look at my powers on paper for a second. I've got phenomenal, cosmic power at my disposal, with a single, well-placed word able to change the very nature of the world around me, but I can only use each word a single time. The closest thing I have to practical training is studying a thesaurus and learning a second language." She grimaced as she held the offending book aloft.
"Look, I get that you're all used to doing things a certain way." Spider-Man sighed as he struggled for a way to explain things. "I would never try to force others to follow my way of life, but if you can't learn when and where to pull your punches, then I'm gonna have to ask that you leave the hero work to those who can."
"It's funny that you say you don't try to force other people to follow your way of life, and then go on to describe how you are trying to force other people to follow your way of life." Gert retorted, equal parts cynic and sarcasm.
"I'm not forcing anything on you, I'm giving you all a choice here!" Spider-Man rubbed his temples.
"Yeah, two choices." Gert smirked as she got up in his grill, clearly enjoying herself. "What if some of us wanna take a third choice? Or even a fourth one? Hell, there are more choices to take than there are stars in the sky, and you wanna limit us to just two possibilities?"
"What will it take to get these simple lessons through to you all?" Spider-Man pleaded. "A lot of thugs in this city, hell, even all over the globe are only doing what they're doing out of desperation. We can't just up and kill them for being desperate."
"I hate to be the one to say this cousin Peter, but a lot of the people we've fought didn't really seem desperate, so much as just needlessly cruel." Karolina admitted sheepishly. "I mean, our own parents were willing to sell out the whole planet just for the selfish goal of immortality, and they didn't really need it or anything. All of their crimes were out of greed, and they had more than enough to get by before they became crime lords. Not to mention that they all had superpowers in one way or another. So your logic... doesn't really hold up."
"Okay, let's just ignore the greedy and the psychopaths for a second." Spider-Girl cut in, sensing that her boyfriend was fighting a losing battle. "There are laws in place that protect even scumbags like them, and if you kill them, the police will come after you."
"That's only if the murder is premeditated." Gert countered easily. "If we see a civilian in trouble and save them from a hostile person, then we're protected under the Good Samaritan act. If we kill someone who's trying to kill us, then it's easily pushed through as a clear-cut case of self-defense, which we would also be protected under law by. How else do you think Jennifer and Evangeline could have gotten us pardoned of all the murders we already committed during the year we spent travelling the country to take down our parents?"
"...She's too good, I can't find any openings." Gwen surrendered the argument ruefully.
"It's okay, you did your best." Peter assured her before turning to American Dream. "Care to help me out a bit here? You're the all-American hero here after all."
"I wish I could, but I'm kinda on the fence myself." Shannon admitted in consternation. "I mean, growing up back in my home dimension, and even here, Captain America was my idol, and I always looked forward to the stories my aunt would tell me about her time working with him. The thing about those stories though, is that Captain America often had to make the tough choices, and more often than not those choices involved whether or not to kill his enemies. Sure, he tried to take the high road, but wars force people to sometimes sacrifice their morals for the greater good."
"But fighting common crooks isn't a war." Spider-Man felt the need to point out, even as his code was rapidly losing support from everyone around him.
"But aren't adults always talking about some big war on crime?" Molly replied innocently. "If fighting crime really is a war, and wars force people to kill sometimes, isn't it better to get rid of the most dangerous bad guys forever than risk them escaping from jail like they always seem to do?"
"Why are you saying things like that?!" Spider-Man pleaded desperately as he grabbed the young girl's shoulders and held tight. "You are eleven years old, you should not be talking like this!"
"Technically, Molly has killed more people than the rest of us combined." Karolina explained nervously, causing Peter's lenses to widen in shock (something everyone had been meaning to ask how he did).
"It's true, I've been keeping score." Chase confirmed as he pulled out a small notepad. "I've killed eight people, most of which were the common thugs you seem so intent on holding back against. Gert and Old Lace have killed seven, most of which were basic hitmen sent by our parents. Karolina killed twelve vampires on purpose, and another one by accident when it got poisoned from trying to drink her sunlight rich blood. Nico has killed four people, but they were all highly trained killers, so the quality of her kills is higher. And Molly..." He hesitated, unsure as to whether or not to risk telling him and changing his image of the relatively innocent Molly in his eyes. "She's killed forty-two criminals of all sorts, most of which only happened because she's still not in complete control of her strength."
"I'm heavily traumatized, but I repress and compartmentalize it to avoid dealing with the stress until I'm mature enough to have better coping mechanisms." Molly explained happily. "I like trains!"
"People as young as you should not be so callous about death. Nor should anyone be so nonchalant about it for that matter." Spider-Man sighed as he got into a contemplative squatting position with both of his feet stuck to the wall of the ship's cabin. "I'm living under the same roof as all of you guys now, even if that roof is currently getting serious renovations along with the rest of the house, it shouldn't be this hard for us to understand each other." He sighed despondently even as a gloved hand reached down from above and tenderly traced his jawline.
"For the record Babe, you're never gonna have to worry about me taking those extremes." Black Cat assured him as she teasingly peeked down from her perch on the roof of the cabin. "So long as I have you, I'll always know better."
"Thanks for that Cat, my confidence really needed a boost after all that's been going on lately." Spider-Man smiled gratefully, thoughts of his recent victory against The Pride and out of body experience encounter with his late Uncle Ben weighing heavily on his mind. Yes, he had saved the day, the world, and most importantly on a personal level, his new cousins, their pet dinosaur, and Mary Jane, but over half of The Pride was killed in the process, by their own kids no less! Not to mention his inner conflict over whether or not imprisoning divine beings in Hell technically qualified as killing them or not. "By the way, have you seen MJ recently? She said she'd come by to train her new powers today, but I haven't seen her anywhere."
"She's in the cabin bathroom talking to herself." Black Cat grinned mischievously. "I think she and her other half are having a bit of a tiff. You might wanna check up on her before she ends up in a one woman catfight."
"Thank you for that mental image." Spider-Man rolled his eyes as he placed a quick kiss on her cheek through his mask before dropping down to the deck and opening the cabin door. "No, seriously, I really mean that; it sounds like all kinds of hot."
"Anytime handsome." Felicia chuckled as she tried to imagine the reaction he'd have to the source of the little spat Mary Jane and Red Sonja were in.
Ship Cabin - Bathroom
"How many times do I have to say it, there is no way I'm going out in public looking like this!" Mary Jane told her reflection adamantly as she gestured to the chainmail bikini and loincloth she was wearing. "Don't get we wrong, this is probably gonna be my costume next Halloween, and I'm definitely gonna have quite a bit of fun using this getup for some really kinky foreplay, roleplay, and overall sex with Peter, and these new 'assets' our fusion provides will make for a promising career as a model, but fighting crime like this is a little too..."
"My apologies, but I have no control over our appearance when you summon my power." Her reflection spoke back to her. "If you want to wear something different, you shall have to change your attire every time you transform."
"That sounds like way too much hassle." Mary Jane sighed bitterly. "What if I just wear a jacket everywhere, take it off before I transform, and then put it back on? I think if I made it reversible and added a mask no one would be able to make the connection."
"They say that people who talk to themselves are either insane or brilliant." Peter joked as he surprised his girlfriend by climbing in through the window. "Of course, in my case it's a little of each, but I'm not all that sure about your position, what with the whole talking to your reflection thing."
"Don't startle me like that Tiger! You nearly scared me out of my top." Mary Jane chuckled nervously as she adjusted her bikini, whether out of nervousness or flirtation even she wasn't sure. "Exactly how much of that did you hear?"
"Enough to know that Red Sonja is an exhibitionist on a subconscious level." He teased them, eliciting a smug grin from Mary Jane and a frustrated pout from the Red Sonja in the mirror. "I still have no idea how you do that by the way. I mean, does Red Sonja see the world from the perspective of whatever mirror you're reflected in at the time, and how would that work in a hall of mirrors? I can't even begin to imagine how many headaches that would cause, although it would probably be as many as there are reflections."
"...He's fortunate he's strong." Red Sonja glanced cynically at her host.
"You know I can hear you right?" He remarked as he tapped on the glass, making Red Sonja visibly dizzy and agitated from the noise. "Woah, you actually felt that? Man, I could spend months just scratching the surface of whatever crazy phenomenon is responsible for your current state of existence."
"Yeah, please don't do that." MJ defended her bodymate. "She may be a little odd, but she deserves better than to be treated like a fish in a tank."
"Have I mentioned how weird it is that you're getting along so well with someone who stole your body less than two days ago?" Spider-Man remarked in awe. "I don't think I could be nearly as mellow about it as you're being if someone stole my body."
"She didn't mean any harm." Mary Jane assured them both. "Besides, aside from her fashion sense, I'm actually pretty happy about this whole thing. As far as spiritual symbiosis goes, I could do a lot worse. I mean, the Ghost Riders get their powers from being hosts to demonic spirits of vengeance, meanwhile I've got an ancient warrior queen blessed by a Celtic goddess of battle. By the way, whatever happened to Alejandra after you used the Soul Gem to give me control over my body again?"
"She didn't have anyplace to go, so I set her up in the same apartment building Laura and her mom are using." Spider-Man assured her. "Also, she didn't have a job, so I set her up as a night guard at Alchemax."
"Speaking of work, Sonja kinda interrupted you a few nights ago when you were going on about how well the whole shebang was going." MJ grinned sheepishly. "So how goes it anyway? Make any other groundbreaking discoveries or advances recently?"
"It's going great, just last week I-" He stopped as he began scouring the room for any possible security breaches, glancing all around out the window before slamming it shut and closing the curtain, he leaned in close to MJ. "What I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this room, got it?" He whispered in hushed tones.
"Oh my goddess, are you involved in any industrial sabotage? Corporate scandal? Political bribery?" MJ asked a little too eagerly. "I feel like I'm in a political thriller right now!"
"No, no, close, and should I be worried that you seem so enthusiastic at the prospect of all this secrecy?" He remarked as he began to regret his decision to share this information with her. He just couldn't help it, there was just something about a hot amazonian redhead in a chainmail bikini that caused all his carefully built up walls to collapse. "Anyway, by studying Laura's claws, I was able to reverse engineer the material they're coated in."
"Coated? You mean her claws aren't naturally metal?" MJ questioned curiously.
"Of course not, they're bone claws that were ripped out of her body, coated in Adamantium, and then reinserted into her body, all without anesthetic." Spider-Man explained, nodding sympathetically when MJ winced at the description of the process. "Yeah, that was my first thought when she told me the story too. Also, where would you get the impression that her claws were naturally metal anyway? It doesn't make any sense, after all."
"Oh, like bone claws popping out of her wrists and feet make more sense than metal claws." MJ snarked dryly.
"Touche, but back to the matter at hand," Spidey remarked as he activated the HUD on his mask and began browsing some notes for reference. "Laura's claws are, hands down, the strongest, most durable metal alloy I've ever seen in my life. Forging the material is incredibly difficult, and more than a little impractical, but once you've molded it into what you need it's practically indestructible, and can cut through almost anything if you make a blade out of it."
Mary Jane whistled, very impressed by what she was hearing. "This Adamantium stuff sounds really impressive, but why have I never of it before?"
"Apparently the forging process is some closely guarded secret of the American government; and I know what you're thinking, how is some closely guarded secret in the hands of terrorists like HYDRA?"
"The thought had crossed my mind." Mary Jane chuckled, eagerly anticipating the answer.
"Well, obviously there's either a leak or a mole of some kid, but that's not the important point here." He answered. "The important part is that because it's a government secret, there's no patent on it."
"You're planning to patent a metal that the entire US government is constantly struggling to keep under wraps?" MJ winced nervously, the possibility of a bloody attempted cover up putting her on edge.
"In a way." MJ could practically feel the smugness in his voice. "I sorta implied to some of the agents Alejandra caught breaking into my labs that I might be tempted not to release the forging process to the public in a patent, or tell anyone that they tried to steal my inventions, if the government agreed to pass a law stating that car manufacturers can sell their products directly to the public, without using a dealership as a middleman."
"And this is more important to you than being known for the public release of a new metal because?" Mary Jane asked him, not the least bit phased by the idea of him managing to catch espionage agents in the act.
"Are you kidding? Car dealerships have had every politician in the country in their pockets for decades!" Spidey chuckled. "Up until the announcement of the new law the President made yesterday denouncing the shady dealings of the practice, it was illegal for car manufacturers to sell their products directly to the people, meaning that cars have always been sold for a lot more than what they're actually worth, the manufacturers make less money than they should, and the dealerships and crooked politicians pocket millions from this practice everyday!"
"And this announcement was made just in time for you to release the ultra-safe new car line by Alchemax, am I correct?" Red Sonja smiled at her host's mate in admiration.
"Well, my company isn't gonna keep itself afloat and thriving if I just swing webs through the city all day." Spider-Man shrugged sheepishly. "And besides, between that and the patent I just applied for on Adamantium this morning, I now have plenty of excess funds to expand the company, and work on a few personal projects."
"Wait, you patented it?' MJ scratched her head in confusion. "I thought you promised the government-"
"-Absolutely nothing." Spider-Man finished her sentence. "I only implied that I would not patent it, or, emphasis on the or, not tell anyone that their agents tried to break into my private property and steal my inventions. I never promised anything, and even if I had, I've got a killer legal team to confirm that my words, which I made sure to record on some of my newly minted Spider-Gear, were full of exploitable loopholes and double-meanings I could easily take advantage of. It also helped that the agents I caught were staring down the blazing hot gaze of a Ghost Rider when we had our little conversation. Plus, they can't exactly go public with any of this information to try and get back at me, because they'd be sinking themselves along with me."
"That is the single hottest thing I've ever heard!" Black Cat grinned ear-to-ear as she peeked out of her hiding spot in the closet and pounced on Spider-Man. "You pulled one of this biggest cons I've ever heard of, and your insurance policy is so perfect!" She panted between the kisses she was giving him up and down his face, neck, and torso. "I have never been more turned on than I am right now, take me on the floor, right now!"
"We're right here." Red Sonja stiffly announced her presence from the mirror.
"And you're welcome to join in whenever you want." Black Cat casually invited her redhead counterpart as she trailed her claws along Spidey's abs.
"We can't, not until the Spider defeats us in one-on-one combat at least." Red Sonja reminded everyone. "I may just be possessing Mary Jane, but she still needs to play by the rules if she wants to have her cake and eat it too, as you modern people say. By the way, what is cake?"
"Not important." Mary Jane remarked with a sudden sense of urgency in her tone as she grabbed her boyfriend and pulled him outside. "What is important is that my boyfriend beats the shit out of me before he does anything, or more accurately, anyone else."
"That probably sounded a lot better in your head, didn't it?" He remarked as he fumbled up to keep pace with her.
"Absolutely." MJ nodded as they stepped out onto the deck, the scantily clad amazonian warrior getting a wolf whistle from Chase. "Just think of it as really rough foreplay." She whispered to Peter before throwing him twenty feet in the air, where he quickly righted himself to land in a crouching position on an old rusted shipping crate.
"Alright, but just remember you asked for this." Spider-Man warned her as he hopped to another crate to avoid a sword strike that cut clean through the rusted crate. "So... please don't try to report the results of this to the police as domestic abuse, okay? I do have a family friendly image to maintain."
"I won't if you won't." MJ grinned as her inhibitions slipped away and some of her Red Sonja side was allowed to assert herself. "Now have at thee, noble Spider, and prove yourself worthy of bedding me!" She declared as she rushed at Spider-Man and tried to cut him down, only for him to casually dodge and weave through all her strikes in a makeshift break dance.
"That all ya got? Laura is better with a blade than you are, and she's preggers!" Spider-Man taunted her as he played hopscotch on the crates, his whimsical and precise acrobatics barely winding him as Red Sonja's more primitive rushdown tactics made it easy for him to force her off balance and tag her with a few webs on their less than ideal footing, though she quickly cut the threads so he couldn't use them as leverage against her. "And not just regular preggers either, but healing factor preggers. Seriously, she's like a month and a half along, but she looks like she's entering her third trimester. Granted, some of that is because she's having triplets, but the ultrasound shows she's still further along than a normal human would be."
"Do not taunt me so Spider." Red Sonja simmered as she tried to sweep his feet out from under him, only for him to leapfrog over her and tag her back with more webs. "For thousands of years my soul was unable to know the joys of motherhood, and because of the influence of my other half, I intend to experience that with you, one way or another!" She roared as she tackled him faster than his Spider-Sense could react, straddling his waist as she punched holes in the metal to the immediate left and right of his head. "This is your only warning. Take me seriously, and give this fight your all, or I will be the death of you!" She hissed at him, leaving Spider-Man speechless from fear for a moment, at least until he noticed her subtle twitching and his lenses narrowed smugly.
"Oh, I've been taking you seriously this whole time, babe." Spider-Man assured her playfully. "Your combat skills may be a few thousand years out of date, but you're still a warrior blessed by a goddess of battle, and your new host has plenty of know how about the modern world to compliment and enhance your own battle strategies, at least once you take some time to learn from her. If I hadn't been taking you seriously from the get go, I'd probably stand a fifty-fifty chance at best, even less if I waited any longer than I already have. That's why I took so many precautions when I began planning this fight out a week ago." Red Sonja's eyes widened in shock, and if Spider-Man didn't know any better, even a little fear. "By the way, haven't you noticed the special new formula I used in my webbing yet?"
"New formula?" Red Sonja wondered suspiciously as she suddenly became all too aware of just how much webbing he'd covered her with while dodging her masterful attacks. "What is this feeling?" She asked as tried to pull her arms loose from the crate to inspect the webbing, only to find that Spider-Man had webbed her arms into the crate she'd punched while she wasn't looking. "Why are all these webs making me so... itchy?!" She panicked as the irritation at the webbed areas of her skin quickly became unbearable. "What did you do to me? Why are these webs so itchy?!" She demanded to know as she used the nearest available object to try and scratch her itchy spots, which, because her arms were stuck in a crate, just so happened to be Spider-Man.
"Obviously because of the itching powder I mixed into my usual formula." Spidey chuckled at his little joke as he enjoyed the feeling of his girlfriend frantically rubbing her body against his. "And not just any itching powder, but a special blend I made specifically for people who have a pesky little superpower known as invulnerability, like yourself. And if you think that's bad news, just wait until I get to the bad part about this formula."
"You mean there's something even worse than this insufferable itching?" Red Sonja asked with dread, both her halves silently kicking herself for just cutting the threads connecting them instead of avoiding the webs outright. 'How could I have anticipated he laced his webs with toxins that can affect even me?! I haven't felt this vulnerable since I was but a child!'
"Oh yeah, much worse." She could practically feel him grinning underneath his mask. "Y'see, the only way I could make itching powder strong enough to bother even the toughest of tough guys was to make it so irritating that it'll cause serious rashes that can last for weeks if you don't apply the antidote ASAP. Just imagine how embarrassing it'll be when you're walking down the halls one day, and you have to deal with a crazy bad itch in a really private place. I don't know about you Sonja, but MJ probably won't be too happy about it for more reasons than just the physical irritation."
"Oh Scathach, you have to surrender the fight, like right now!" MJ panicked from inside of Red Sonja, even as she struggled to break free of the webs binding her arms. "I refuse to go out in public with a jock strap itch!"
"I will never yield... not to such childish... Oh dear Scathach, I surrender! Just make this itching stop already!" Sonja finally gave up when she realized that the webs covering her weren't budging anytime soon.
"All you had to do was ask." Spider-Man gave a mental cheer as he pulled out a concentrated spray bottle from his utility belt and sprayed down his redhead lover, causing her to quiver and moan in relief as the webbing dissolved away and the itching powder was neutralized. Pulling himself and Sonja to their feet, he held her close and brushed her hair. "So, is your goddess of battle satisfied by the results of this fight, or do we have to do this all over again?"
"Oh, you definitely beat me." Sonja confirmed as she and MJ received a brief mental image of a bitter looking shining woman in fine silk robes. "Scathach isn't happy about your soft, juvenile tactics, but even she can't deny the validity of your victory."
"Aw, that's so sweet of her to say." Spider-Man cooed teasingly, causing the mental image of Scathach to turn up her nose in disgust and fade from the minds of her champions. "Give her my thanks for making you a hot amazon next time you see her."
"I think I can manage that, Tiger." Sonja remarked flirtatiously, some of MJ seeping into control. "Now then, I believe we owe you a reward for winning our little lover's quarrel, don't we?" She began tracing circles on his chest, and would have gone farther, had an interrupting cough not killed the moment.
"Please, don't stop on our account." Gert teased the happy couple as she traced circles on Chase's chest. "Chase and I are just taking notes for what to do once our relationship reaches a certain point."
"Okay, exactly how many of you saw all of that?" Peter bemoaned as he kicked himself for momentarily forgetting that they weren't alone.
"I stopped looking once I heard the words itching powder!" Karolina declared as she peaked out from around a corner.
"Liar! I saw you looking through the gaps in your fingers!" Molly teased her older sister, who quickly proceeded to chase her around and vehemently deny her words, as siblings often do.
"I just wanted to see what my competition was like." Nico remarked calmly as she closely scrutinized Red Sonja. "I'll be honest, my chances don't look all that good."
"I never stopped watching." Black Cat teased as she and Firestar waved at them from their lazy perches atop some crates.
"I was just acting as a spotter." American Dream insisted as Spider-Girl shook her head and made air quotes. "You know, to make sure things didn't get too out of hand."
"Okay, fun's over. Back to your training with the lot of you." Spider-Man clapped his hands, snapping them back to attention. "Heroes or not, you still have a responsibility to at least learn to control your powers so you don't hurt anyone or destroy anything by accident." As if to punctuate his statement, something big suddenly crashed into the far end of the ship, kicking up a cloud of dust as it dented the point of impact. "...Wow, I could not have timed that better if I tried." He remarked in amazement as he rushed towards the crash site. "Runaways, stay here as backup, everyone else, with me!" He wasted no time giving out orders, which were promptly followed by all. In less than half a minute the first team arrived at the still settling dust cloud. "Alright everyone, wait til the dust settles before acting, but be ready to react at a moment's notice." His warnings were heeded, but ultimately unnecessary, as the dust quickly died down to reveal...
"Jennifer!" Peter panicked at the sight of a moderately injured She-Hulk panting and struggling to stand up in the crater made from her sloppy impact. Tossing aside his earlier caution, he rushed forward to help her up. "Give her some room to breath everyone! Jenn, what happened, are you alright?!"
"I'll be fine, Webs." Jennifer assured her boyfriend as she steadied herself. "Just need a moment to catch my breath, that's all."
"What happened to you, She-Hulk?" Spider-Girl asked, subconsciously slipping into full hero-mode.
"Nothing I can't handle on my own." She-Hulk said a bit too adamantly. "But you guys need to get out of here, like right now."
"Why? Is there someone after you?" Firestar asked as she conjured up a pair of flames in her hands, obviously ready for a fight.
"None of you plan to drop this with just a 'trust me', do you?" She-Hulk immediately recognized the futility of resisting any help they'd try to offer, probably based on experience.
"We already trust you, which is why we trust you to trust us as well." Red Sonja spoke firmly, years of literal cutthroat politics from a bygone era gifting her with a silver tongue.
"Alright, but can we please go somewhere more private for this?" She-Hulk requested. "Preferably somewhere that won't be connected to anything incriminating."
"I drove us here on a minibus with tinted windows." American Dream offered. "Will that work?"
"Best we can hope for, I suppose." She-Hulk nodded in confirmation, prompting the impromptu huddle to break as they rushed to gather the rest of the team and head back to the minibus.
Later - Minibus
"Can I just be the first to say how awesome this is?" Chase grinned eagerly. "We are on a bus with the world's sexiest superhero right now! This is the greatest day of my life!"
"You're lucky I'm as attracted to her as you are, or you'd be in the doghouse right now." Gert joked as Old Lace panted from the back seat.
"...Will you marry me?" Karolina proposed in all seriousness as she peered over the back of her seat and gazed longingly at She-Hulk.
"Sorry, I'm already spoken for." She-Hulk apologized before passionately making out with Karolina. "Let it never be said that I don't appreciate the attention though." She winked, causing Karolina to faint with joy in her seat. "Nice kid, I like her."
"If you're done fulfilling my cousin's greatest fantasy, mind explaining why you crashed into our impromptu training ground in such rough shape?" Spider-Man asked her as he rubbed her shoulder in support.
"It wasn't on purpose by any means." She began explaining. "Before I start, does anybody have a cellphone? Or maybe a tablet? It doesn't need to be anything specific, just something I can check the internet on."
"You can borrow my cell phone." Black Cat handed the item to the gammazon.
"Thank you." She-Hulk nodded gratefully as she began fiddling with the device. "Quick warning, what you're about to see may shock and disturb you." She remarked ruefully as she showed everyone looking over her shoulders a news article.
"...What... The Fuck?!" Spider-Girl hissed indignantly at what she saw.
"Language!" Nico hissed as she covered Molly's ears.
"You act as if I haven't already heard every curse word in the English language." Molly rolled her eyes as she casually pushed her sister's hands away. "And several others in both French and German."
"I knew Jameson was slipping in his integrity, but I had no idea it was this bad." Spider-Man winced as he felt the moderate respect he once felt for the man slip, already sending a message on his HUD to Captain Stacy asking for any leads that could debunk the pack of lies he was seeing. "I mean, I understand why he'd attack me and Spider-Girl like this, but why would he go after you too, Jenn?"
"A better question would be why the families of the kidnapped girls are pinning this on our two resident Spiders and She-Hulk." Gert pointed out. "They're the ones providing Jameson with the excuse to print this rag; the only reason he's as hard on Jenn in this article as he is on you two is to at least try to look unbiased."
"That explains why you're so roughed up." Firestar realized as she looked at She-Hulk. "Let me guess, the Avengers brought in a few heavy hitters to try and take in a heavy hitter?"
"Hawkeye and Mockingbird, The Avengers' resident no-power couple." She-Hulk confirmed as she rolled a few kinks out of her shoulders. "They may not exactly put the 'super' in superhero, but damn if they aren't perfectly in tune with each other in everything they do. Don't be too hard on them though, they mean well, they just don't know they're being manipulated."
"What I don't understand is why you don't just try to defend yourself in court." American Dream questioned as she drove through moderate city traffic. "You're an amazing defense attorney, surely you can build yourself a strong enough defense to prove you're not guilty."
"You're assuming I'd be given the chance to defend myself." Jennifer sulked sourly. "Most likely a team of supervillains would be paid to intercept me on the way to the courthouse and take me out for good, either that or the prosecution would hire a real shark of a lawyer and provide as much forged evidence as they need to get me locked up for good, and you two along with me." She turned to Spider-Man and Spider-Girl.
"Kidnapping is a serious offense, but surely that would not justify such lowbrow tactics." Red Sonja remarked suspiciously. "I mean, if you're really innocent, why would anyone care so much about proving you guilty? There's probably some dirty dealings going on in the background, real covert ops, cover-up type deal."
"Before I answer that, I forget, are you an ancient amazonian warrior queen possessing a modern teenage girl, or a modern teenage girl accessing the skills, power and knowledge of an ancient amazonian warrior queen?" She-Hulk asked curiously.
"A little of each." MJ shrugged nonchalantly. "Our minds and souls are connected, but separate, so our attitude switches back and forth or blends together sometimes."
"Eh, makes sense to me." She-Hulk accepted the explanation without any further questions. "Anyway, there's a good reason why I'm so worried about this. Think about it, people are viciously accusing and persecuting me, Spider-Man, and to a lesser extent, Spider-Girl, of kidnapping four teenage girls right out of their homes, just as Alchemax blackmails the biggest politicians in the country to make a new law that utterly destroys one of their biggest financial supporters, and then releasing the blackmail anyway once we got what we wanted."
"But they don't know Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker, teenage super genius, and head of Alchemax." Spider-Man scratched his chin suspiciously. "The only people who know are people I trust, Deadpool... and... oh no..." Peter muttered with dread growing in the pit of his stomach.
"HYDRA!" Spider-Girl hissed furiously. "It all makes sense! Aside from the US government, HYDRA is the only major organization with the power and the motive to do something like that, not to mention the only ones with the knowledge of your identity. They know how to make Adamantium, and they don't want to lose two of their secret weapons to the same guy. It's still early enough that even with the patent, Alchemax isn't equipped to mass produce Adamantium yet. If HYDRA manipulated a few powerful and paranoid politicians to work with them, they might still be able to discredit your patent, and keep Adamantium out of the hands of the public!"
"Isn't it just like our fascist, overly-capitalistic government to cooperate with known terrorists under the pretense of national security." Gert remarked blithely.
"Absolutely." Nico seconded as she gave Gert a fist bump. "With She-Hulk being buried under a mountain of accusations and unable to do her job protecting Alchemax from legal trouble, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump away from exposing your identity and shutting you down before your can revolutionize the metal industry and destabilize their power base."
"Now that we have a few leads as to what's happening, next thing we need to do is dig up some proof of your innocence." Black Cat suggested. "Trust me, if there's a frame-up, there's gonna be a weak link in the chain somewhere, and our best bet would be to ask some questions of the families who claim that you three kidnapped their kids."
"You don't think they're in on it, do you?" Firestar asked worriedly.
"Probably not." American Dream shook her head. "Most likely there's someone putting pressure on them to say what they want them too. Although, we all know that HYDRA isn't afraid to dabble in clones, so there's a chance that's what we may be dealing with. If so, then it's doubtful that they'd know any difference between the real deal and impostors."
"Not a chance in hell." She-Hulk denied the idea. "My gamma irradiated DNA instantly destabilizes when any cloning attempts are made, and the results ain't pretty. Literally, I've seen the results of people trying to clone me before, and they look and act as inbred as hell for however long they last before melting. They'd have to grow it from scratch in a gamma infused uterus for it to work, and even then it would take way too long to mature to be practical."
"In conclusion, our only real leads are the families of the missing children." Spider-Man remarked just as he got a reply from Captain Stacy, giving him just the lead he needed and some hopeful encouragement. "And wouldn't you know it, I just so happen to have the addresses of the affected families right here."
"Good luck getting any answers out of them." Chase shook his head despondently as the bus parked at a warehouse owned by, and just a few blocks away from Alchemax, where everyone quickly exited the vehicle and ducked into the building without being seen. "In my experience, when super criminals are putting the pressure on civilians, the only thing that can get them to cooperate is something or someone even scarier."
"I'm well aware of that." Spider-Man frowned under his mask as he reluctantly made four calls on his HUD. "Fortunately, I happen to know several people who can be very intimidating when the need arises." He felt an odd mixture of relief and dread as Natasha Romanoff, Silver Sablinova, Rachel Alves, and Alejandra Jones answered his calls.
"I was wondering when you might drop me a line, rookie." Rachel remarked with a strange hint of pride and smugness in her voice. "How's the war on crime going?"
"Who is this? I don't recognize two of these numbers. Why is this a conference call?" Black Widow demanded answers, making sure to avoid any identifying keywords.
"Hey 'Tash, haven't seen you around school lately. Are you not teaching anymore?" Silver Sable pouted cutely, sullen that she wasn't able to see her favorite sister girlfriend as often as she'd like to.
"I recognize these voices from the vision you showed me." Alejandra noted, her voice surprisingly soft yet still strong when she wasn't in her Ghost Rider form. "These are some of your lovers, aren't they?"
"Only two of them, and you've met Widow already." Spider-Man interjected into the conversation as he and his group began arranging a semi-comfortable meeting area in the warehouse. "Now then, a few introductions seem to be in order. Black Widow, Silver Sable, meet Lady Punisher. Lady Punisher, say hello to Black Widow and Silver Sable. Silver Sable and Lady Punisher, say hello to one of the infamous Ghost Riders."
"Technically I never bothered with the whole 'Punisher' moniker. Just Rachel Alves is fine." The ultra-violent vigilante corrected him.
"Rachel Alves? You and your buddy Castle have killed a lot of people I've had the distinct displeasure of working with over the years. To what do we owe the pleasure?" Silver Sable inquired cordially.
"Isn't it obvious?" Black Widow remarked stoically. "It's all over the news. Someone is framing the Spiders and She-Hulk for kidnapping. Speaking of which, I really shouldn't be talking to you right now, SHIELD is suspicious enough of the name Spider-Man already."
"Sorry for any trouble, but I need you four to help me gather evidence to clear our names." Spider-Man explained as a few others gathered around him to try and listen in on his conversation. "Now then, I managed to find out the addresses of the four families, and I want the four of you to go ask them some questions."
"It's doubtful we'll find out anything the police haven't already. Even if there is something to find, you wouldn't need to call us all for help or question more than one or two of them." Rachel remarked skeptically, before turning suspicious. "Unless you have reason to suspect they're hiding something."
"I don't have anything concrete, but if my hunch is correct, someone is leaning on all the afflicted families to support each other's stories. Someone powerful." He replied, the full gravity of the situation beginning to hit the girls.
"I see." Black Widow remarked, her scowl palpable even in just her voice. "So this isn't just about getting answers, but protecting the families of the kidnapped teenagers from the mastermind behind the curtain."
"Exactly." Spider-Man nodded, everyone he was physically near realizing from context that his plan was steadily going into motion. "I chose the four of you for this job because you're some of the most intimidating people I know, and because three of you already have experience dealing with our primary suspects, namely HYDRA. I do know a few other people who are scary as hell, but they're busy with other matters."
"Any excuse to gun down HYDRA soldiers is a good one in my book." Black Widow's eagerness to kill some of the few enemies she's had that remained consistent throughout her eight decades of life would be palpable if she didn't have such mastery of her emotions.
"Send us the locations, we'll send you the intel." Alejandra boasted in a gravely tone, signifying that she'd turned into Ghost Rider.
"And the bodies." Silver Sable joked as Spider-Man sent them the addresses. "Just saying, if HYDRA is involved, there's probably gonna be a lot of dead bodies before long."
"Please don't make me regret going to the four of you for help." He resigned himself to the trouble to come. "I want to at least try to maintain my 'Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Image' so don't go too wild."
"If you didn't want casualties, you shouldn't have called in trained killers and a monster spawned of Hell itself." Rachel remarked casually. "Frank and I are pretty close to the first location on the list; we'll head there and get some answers."*Click*
"And there goes the loose cannon." Silver Sable joked. "I call the third address, I scoped out that apartment complex for a job about a year ago so I know my way around."*Click*
"Let those who sin face the eternal fires of Hell. Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway, I'll be taking the second address."*Click* Ghost Rider excused herself cordially.
"You know where I'll be. Also, you should know that I'm taking a big chance keeping this between us; SHIELD doesn't know who you are, but your recent civilian activities have them as tense as everyone else is." Black Widow cautioned him.
"Love you too 'Tash. Take care of yourself, okay?"*Click* Spider-Man said his goodbyes just before she hung up, and he realized what a crowd his conversation had gathered. "And I instantly regret this decision. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love them all... but they're murderers."
"Sometimes you gotta put the needs of the innocent before your ideals." Jennifer reassured him as she pulled the back of his head into her bosom, much to Chase and Karolina's envy. "Just rest your head against the beat of my heart and left mama make it all better." She cooed as she held him close.
"I really shouldn't feel as good about this as I do, but spider powers aside, I'm still only human." Spider-Man relaxed as he made one more call on his HUD. "It's probably gonna take our recon squad team at least an hour or two to get the real story, so we should all take this time to get ready for some action." He tried to address everyone with as much dignity as a man resting his head on two of the greatest pillows in the world could muster, which predictably wasn't much.
"Hello, Connors' Laboratory, Alchemax Headquarters, Ms. Kusuma speaking, how may I help you?" An impassive sounding woman answered the phone.
*Spider-Sense!*-The line is bugged!
"Melati, it's me, Peter." Peter whispered as he darted off to a private area and activated a signal scrambler on his phone, while also motioning for no one to follow. "Do you think you could get Dr. Connors, Curt Connors that is, on the phone for me?"
"Of course Mr. Parker, I'm paging him as we speak." Melati answered her superior cordially. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait a moment though, he's currently in the middle of that private project you've been working on with him."
"That's actually what I wanted to talk with him about." Peter explained, trying to keep the signal changing as much and as often as he could to avoid anyone getting a trace. "So how are you doing working for Dr. Connors? I know he was pretty much your mentor and idol during your college days, and he spoke highly of you as a student, but working alongside him must be a whole new experience for you." He tried to apply some small talk to avoid any suspicion.
"I have nothing but good things to say regarding my current employment." Melati answered with a touch of pride in her voice. "My working conditions are optimal, my coworkers and available equipment are both the best available, the scientific progress we're making is all material I support on a personal level, the salary is generous, everything is wheelchair accessible, and my employer is ethical, intelligent, understanding, has good business sense, a little flaky at times," Peter rolled his eyes, taking the joke in good spirit. "But he always means well, and is very mature and quite the lady's man for his age. You may want to watch that last one though; the last thing the world needs is another super genius, playboy, CEO in the vein of Tony Stark." She slipped in an inside joke.
"You know I only have the one girlfriend, Melati." Peter lied nervously, and not just because the readings on his HUD showed the trace on the call getting too close too quickly for a run of the mill call tracer available to the police. "Besides, that garbage is just something the tabloids managed to eek out before our legal team and the Bugle hit them with a lawsuit."
"Speaking of our legal team and the Bugle, did you read the front page of - Oh, Dr. Connors just walked in. Dr. Connors, Mr. Parker is on the phone for you." Melati hurriedly handed off the phone to him, almost jittery even.
"Thank you Melati, I can handle things from here." Dr. Connors could barely be heard saying over the phone. "Hello there Peter, what can I do for you?"
"Hey there Doc, did you read the papers this morning?" Peter felt it would be best to waste no time beating around the bush.
"Unfortunately, yes I have." Curt remarked somberly. "Personally, I don't believe a word of it myself. After all, Spider-Man has had to deal with two impostors in the past already, and though we may be in different departments, I consider Ms. Walters to be a good personal friend and colleague of mine. We'd probably be in quite a bit of legal trouble from all the holdovers from back when Osborn ran this company without her assistance, so I suppose it's only natural that someone who doesn't like the competition might try to discredit her somehow."
"Don't I know it." Peter muttered bitterly, all too aware of how many people his progress has been ticking off. "Anyway, I'm just calling as a courtesy to let you know not to worry too much about it. I'm doing everything I can to clear her name, and I may as well try to clear the Spiders' names too. All I want you to do is go about your work like nothing is wrong; focus on your very important projects, all that good stuff." He explained, hoping Dr. Connors would get the hint.
"Of course, Peter. The new car frame I'm working on should be ready for testing in about three hours." Dr. Connors replied, apparently getting the hint. "I must admit, it's a bit odd to be branching out from biology and prosthetic limbs into advanced mechanics, but with Melati around to focus on studying and improving my old research, I have plenty of time on my hands to focus on other pursuits."
"Keep up the good work Dr. Connors, hope to see you soon." Peter hung up just as he managed to bounce the signal to make it look like he was calling from halfway across the city. "Well, looks like I have plenty of time to kill before I can even get started getting ready." He sighed as he turned around, jumping a bit when he saw Nico standing right in front of him. "Don't startle me like that!" He gasped as he tried to steady his breathing.
"Don't you have a Spider-Sense for this kind of thing?" Nico asked sarcastically.
"It doesn't work like that." Spider-Man shook his head. "It only goes off when I'm in actual danger, not just when I'm gonna get spooked. It's actually a pretty useful distinction when dealing with tricksters like Mysterio or Chameleon, since it lets me know the difference between actual danger and harmless stage tricks."
"That's cool." Nico muttered, not really sounding all that interested. "So other than that, how are things going for you. Have you got a plan for clearing your name and saving these kidnapped kids?"
"I'm working on one." Spider-Man defended weakly, his plan clearly woefully underdeveloped. "I just gotta wait for stage one to finish before I can start working on stage two."
"Stage one being wait for your girlfriends to get the whole story out of the victims' families." Nico summarized bluntly. "Meanwhile, I've already ordered the rest of my team to head home and guard May from any villains that might try to get to you through her."
"Oh shit, I totally forgot about Aunt May!" Spider-Man winced as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Thanks for being on point with that one Nico, I knew Aunt May was onto something when she adopted you and your team."
"Whatever, family is family after all." Nico shuffled her feet sullenly before taking a seat on a nearby crate.
"Look, Nico..." Spider-Man frowned as he took a seat next to his adoptive cousin and grabbed her shoulder reassuringly. "I know you have issues trusting people after all that you guys went through over the past year, and I know that you feel pressured to keep your team, your family, working together, but please try to keep in mind that Aunt May and I, we're your family now-mmph!" He startled as Nico pulled up his mask and kissed him deeply before quickly pulling away. "...I should really not be surprised by this anymore." He quipped as he pulled his mask back down. "...So... how long have you?"
"Since May adopted us last week." Nico answered sourly, though whether she was upset with herself or just her circumstances was undetectable. "At first I thought it was just a stupid rebound crush, that you had enough girlfriends to keep you busy already; so I just made jokes about it to mess with you and mask my feelings, but..."
"I get it, I'm a babe magnet. It's a blessing and a curse." He sighed theatrically, eliciting a chuckle from the pretty young goth. "So, just as a formality, you know I have a lot of girlfriends already, right?" She nodded. "And you know I'm probably gonna get a lot more, right?" Another nod. "And you're okay with all of this?"
"I'm more than okay, I'm eager." Nico grinned evilly, sending shivers up her new boyfriend's spine. "Between you and me, Karolina misread some signals a few months ago and tried to make out with me. I pushed her away and shot her down, but the truth, which I'll deny and hurt you if you ever tell her, is that I kinda liked it."
"And now I know how the boyfriend of the girl who sang 'I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It' felt." Spider-Man quipped. "Not gonna lie, it feels good, really good." He shuffled his feet awkwardly for a few seconds. "...So... what do we do now?"
*Spider-Sense!*-Sexy Time!
"What the-?" He was spooked as She-Hulk snuck up behind him and pulled his head back into her bosom. "Okay, now I get it." He remarked in the best deadpan he could muster as American Dream, Spider-Girl, Firestar, Black Cat, Red Sonja, and Nico began circling like sharks. "Still, I gotta wonder why my Spider-Sense is going off. It's never warned me about 'Happy Hour' before."
"You've never done it with me, Nico, or Sonja." American Dream remarked as she pulled off her mask, letting her long blonde hair flow freely. "Maybe we're planning something that really pushes the boundaries?"
"Or maybe your Spider-Sense is just getting better?" Spider-Girl suggested as she began weaving a large hammock from the ceiling. "We'll have to do a before-and-after comparison with your Tantric energy levels."
"Either way, the next few hours are gonna be WILD!" She-Hulk grinned as she slipped her top off.
'I'd say that my life couldn't get any more awesome that this, but why lie?' Spider-Man thought as the party began.
Meanwhile - Xavier Institute (Wait, WTF?! Out of left field, much?)
A modestly dressed teenage girl with long black hair and a blindfold over her eyes ran through the halls of the famous mansion that served as the main base of the infamous X-Men, deliberately and purposefully avoiding obstacles in-spite of her impaired vision. She ignored all people who tried to get her attention as she passed them by; this was clearly a girl on an important mission, and she could not afford to be slowed or hindered by anything or anyone. Before long she arrived at a door, knocked quickly, and waited politely. Within moments, a very distinct looking woman answered the door. She looked like an attractive woman in her twenties, and had moderately long raven hair secured in a bun with a few loose strands framing her face, chalk white skin with zigzag tattoos underneath her eyes, but it was her outfit that was most outlandish. Her toned legs were secured in skintight, hip hugging leather pants, her footwear were knee high stilettos, and her top was a leather corset, barely containing her generous bosom. Overall, she looked very much like a dominatrix.
"What can I do for you, Ruth?" The woman asked the blindfolded girl. "Your physiology seems very tense at the moment. Do you need my assistance?"
"Sight beyond sight, and the wise man woman, must find the dissenter tonight!" Ruth urgently spoke in verse as she grabbed the older woman by the arms. "The city of apples, webs the center, or shredder, must guide between good and the right!"
"Slow down a second, Blindfold. Even my hyper-processor of a brain needs some time to decode your riddle talk." The older woman remarked, her use of the young lady's code name an acknowledgement of her urgency. "Sight beyond sight obviously refers to your precognition abilities, and another word for a wise man is a sage, which is my name." Sage remarked as the pieces fell into place. "City of apples, Big Apple, New York. I don't know anything about this dissenter, center, and shredder nonsense, but I do know that New York is known for Spider-Man, hence the webs, but as for good and the right... I got it!" Sage silently went eureka as she pieced it all together. "You're saying that the two of use need to go to New York, find Spider-Man, and help him make a life altering decision that could change the fate of the world, right?" Sage mentally pat herself on the back as Blindfold nodded. "Well, your visions have never steered the X-Men wrong yet. Come on, it's not often I have an excuse to fly the X-Jet." She was about to guide Blindfold to the hangar when the blind young woman quickly entered her room, rummaged through her drawers, and came back out.
"Uhh, Ruth..?" Sage began uncertainly as she followed her teammate. "Why did you grab all my condoms just now?"
3 Hours & 47 Minutes Later
"Hold on girls, I gotta check my messages." Spider-Man remarked as he slipped his mask on.
"Take all *pant* the time *pant* you need, OOOOoooOOHHOOhhHHh!" Nico panted as she collapsed face-first into her boobs, which she'd impulsively cast Breast Expansion on when Spider-Man broke her hymen to better stack up to her competition, thus making each breast the size of a prize winning watermelon. "And make me an anti-gravity bra while you're at it, will ya?" She mumbled through her boobies.
"Yeah, I think I speak for everyone when I say that we could use a - OH MY GOD, you're still going at it?!" Firestar moaned happily as her boyfriend continued to literally light her fire. "I'm so tired, but I don't want this to stop, ever!"
"Let's see here, how many anti-heroes does it take to crack a case?" Spider-Man hummed to himself as he listened to the messages from the girls one-by-one, while simultaneously keeping up with five very horny girls (Red Sonja and American Dream had both passed out from pleasure by this point). "Uh-huh... uh-huh... wait a second... that can't be right, there's no way those guys would work together. Everything on the Omega Drive clearly says that... unless." He immediately snapped to attention and accidentally gave She-Hulk her seventh orgasm. "Guys, we've got trouble. Big trouble." He declared urgently as he started putting his costume back on.
"What's happening?" Spider-Girl asked, immediately following Peter's example.
"And can't it wait until I have the feeling back in my legs?" Black Cat moaned as she got up under protest. "Like, I don't know, after I give birth in nine months? Because there is no way I'm not knocked up after that party."
"Walk it off, can't you tell we're on the clock now?" She-Hulk grunted as she slipped her purple sports bra and bike shorts on. "Here, take one of my spare tops." She added as she handed the fabric to Nico. "It's made of unstable molecules, so it should be able to stretch to your size."
"Bet you never thought you'd be saying that, did you?" Red Sonja chuckled as she pulled herself to her feet and began suiting up.
"Ladies, focus, serious discussion now." Spider-Man clapped his hands a few times to get their attention. "Now then, I've got good news and bad news, in that order, specifically."
"Give us the bad news first." Firestar muttered as she roused American Dream.
"He said the news came in a specific order." Nico rolled her eyes as she arced her back and hoisted her massive mounds. "Try to think before you speak."
"Like you did when you made your breasts bigger than your torso?" American Dream teased her before falling face first into Nico's chest. "...Don't judge me, I'm still a little wobbly from the sex." She weakly defended herself, even as she made no effort to leave the heavenly pillows, especially once Nico started rubbing her back affectionately.
"...Okay, now that everyone's awake, try listening to this, and tell me your thoughts." Spider-Man remarked as he pressed a hidden button on the side of his mask.
"Spider-Man, it's Widow." Natasha's voice sounded from the spider logo on Peter's suit. "The family didn't talk at first, maintaining their original story, but obviously slipping under pressure. I monitored and questioned them for about an hour an a half before agents of AIM - an organization of cyber-terrorists bent on total technological superiority - arrived to try and silence us. Witnesses were much more forthcoming upon being shown the corpses of the agents, and disclosed that they were pressured by AIM into altering their story. Witnesses amended their story, saying they saw an amazonian woman with green skin and red hair in a red tube top and long pants, and a male a female spider powered duo in red and blue costumes making off with their daughter."
"Now for message two." Peter pressed the button again.
"Hey babe, Silver here!" Ms. Sablinova greeted cheerfully. "Good news, I have proof you guys were framed, and the family is safe. Bad news, I had to kill a bunch of Maggia goons to get the proof and save the family. How do I know they were Maggia goons? Simple, one of them was wearing a ring that only Maggia lieutenants and above are given, and I know it's the genuine article because my dad used to have one before he was locked in the clink. I kept him alive long enough to make him confess to making the family alter a few details of the story. Granted, the only major differences are that the 'She-Hulk' had red hair and a red costume, while the 'Spider-Girl' was dressed in red and blue, instead of black and white. Not much to go on, but it's still something."
"Now we're rounding third."
"This is Ghost Rider." Alejandra's gravely voice spoke, sounding even more angry than usual. "Tonight I learned that Adam had lied to me about the true nature of the Penance Stare for my whole life. Turns out I can only burn people with the actual sins they recognize they committed. I already suspected something like it after I tried it on you last week, because you're nothing like Jesus - that's a compliment by the way. What really clinched it though, was when I tried it on these crazy ninjas. I call them crazy but it's more like mental conditioning, which is why I had to resort to more brutal measures. All I got from the ninjas before I killed them was that they're part of a group called The Hand. Oh, and before I forget, we're gonna have to take a rain check on the mother talking, because she fainted while watching the fight."
"And here's the grand slam."
"I know where you live." Rachel said ominously before chuckling lightly. "Sorry, couldn't resist trying that at least once. Anyway, I would have called you a lot sooner, but the strangest thing happened. The moment Frank and I arrived and started asking about the kidnapping, the family tried to tell us everything, but we couldn't make sense of any of it because they were all talking over each other. Worse, before we could even get them to calm down enough to get them to talk one at a time, a whole bunch of anti-mutant racists called The Purifiers burst in and tried to kill everyone. On the plus side, we got to kill hundreds of racist extremists. On the downside, it took forever, and the police arrived before we could get anything solid from the family, but based on the circumstances it was obvious they were pressed into lying. I don't know why mutant haters would be involved in any of this, but when it comes to irrational hatred I don't really want to understand. And before you say anything, no, that is not an ironic statement."
"Anyone seeing a pattern here?" Spider-Man asked rhetorically. "Anyone at all? There are no wrong answers."
"You should leave interrogation to trained professionals who can remain impartial under pressure?" American Dream suggested as she managed to get her suit back on.
"True, but that's not what I was getting at." Spider-Man motioned to continue.
"Over half of your girlfriends won't hesitate to resort to lethal force?" Nico pointed out as she adjusted her top.
"Please don't remind me of that, I feel guilty enough about calling them in for help as it is." He pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly, already feeling a headache coming on.
"All of these cover-ups were done by different groups?" Spider-Girl noted as she tucked her hair into her mask.
"Warmer, warmer but not quite." He nodded approvingly.
"HYDRA isn't involved?" She-Hulk realized suspiciously.
"And we have a winner!" Spider-Man applauded approvingly. "Yes, four different criminal organizations that have no connection to me, none of them the type to play well with others, all coincidentally working towards the same goal."
"I smell a setup." Black Cat purred curiously. "I've been brushing up on all the groups recorded in your Omega Drive, and none of those groups could possibly work together, at least not intentionally. AIM only works with people who are only interested in either money or knowledge. The Maggia are professional retro gangsters who can't stand working with super powered criminals or anything Asian. The Hand is an Asian mafia that's run by and frequently employs and advocates mutants. And The Purifiers are a disorganized group of mutant haters with no central leadership."
"And there's one other common thread." Red Sonja hummed thoughtfully. "A red-headed She-Hulk, and a Spider-Girl wearing the wrong colors. How do they fit into all of this? And more importantly, if someone was going to impersonate heroes, why make so much effort to copy their powers, yet do such a poor job of matching their appearances? Surely they knew the ruse couldn't last."
"Hmm, I'm beginning to think the She-Hulk thing might just be accidental." Spider-Man remarked suspiciously. "I think the real frame-up might just be focused on me and Spider-Girl."
"What makes you say that?" Firestar asked curiously. "I mean, they got your costume right, but Gwen's is all wrong."
"...But they wouldn't know that if they were just going on secondhand information." Spider-Girl realized in shock. "Think about it, if you hadn't seen me in person, and you heard that Spider-Man was now working with a woman who has the same powers as him, what would you think her costume would look like?"
"Matching outfits, obviously." Firestar quickly came to the same realization as everyone else. "But that still doesn't explain the She-Hulk doppelganger."
*Spider-Sense!*-Silent Alarm!
"Hold that thought! Something's going down at Alchemax!" Spider-Man instantly sprang into action and hurried everyone out the door and back to the bus.
"What?! How do you know that?" Nico whined as her legs protested her sudden walking after hours of marathon sex.
"He installed a chip in his mask that sets off his Spider-Sense if there's ever a security breach at Alchemax." Spider-Girl explained as she hoisted the all too slow Nico into her arms and rushed onto the bus. "It was my idea, by the way. After the break-in Alejandra stopped before, I didn't want to take any more chances."
"And that's why she has so much authority in our harem." Firestar smiled proudly at Spider-Girl, the two classmates taking adjacent seats as She-Hulk took the wheel and hit the gas, taking the group on a wild but thankfully brief trip to the Alchemax Labs.
Meanwhile - Alchemax Labs
"Get back! Get back, whoever you are!" Dr. Connors demanded fearfully as he placed himself in front of his wife and son, holding up his shaking prosthetic arm fearfully in a vain attempt to ward off the trio closing in on him. "I'm warning you!"
"And what will the pitiful man do to stop the mighty She-Hulk?" A green skinned woman with red hair, red clothes, and a gold tiara remarked coldly as she and a Spider-Man imposter closed in on them, dropping unconscious officers to the ground as an afterthought.
"I don't know who you are, but you're not Ms. Walters!" Dr. Connors denied as he fired an energy beam from his false hand, sending the She-Hulk impostor skidding back a few inches.
"I see you have a primitive weapon to defend yourself with." The fake smiled coldly as she cracked her knuckles and stepped forward. "Let's see if it can handle melee better than ranged assault."
Just as the Connors family was backed against a wall, with seemingly no escape from death, a reptilian biped in a badly torn lab coat pounced on the impostor and began mauling her aggressively.
"Curt, what is that thing?" Mrs. Connors questioned her husband suspiciously.
"I... I don't know." Curt shook his head in denial as the new Lizard got the green woman in a stranglehold, the Spider-Man impostor trying to force it off. "Honey, I swear, I locked all my notes on the Lizard formula away for safe keeping. That kind of research is too dangerous to work with, and I vowed never to open that file again. The only people besides the ones who were there the first time that would have any idea I might even have the slightest knowledge of The Lizard would have to have to have been following my research for years!" He insisted as the fake She-Hulk pried the Lizard off of her and threw it to the ground in front of the Connors. "Wait a second, is that..." He trailed off suspiciously as he noticed the name on the lab coat the - apparently female, if her bosom were any indication - Lizard wore, which, coupled with her torn shorts and still very much human (albeit green and scaly) face, helped him realize just who this Lizard was. "Melati?!" Curt demanded in shock and outrage.
"Sorry for stealing your research Dr. Connors." Melati smiled sheepishly as she pulled herself to her feet. "But you know I've always been sore about the whole 'no legs' thing I used to have. Besides, is now really the time to complain about your assistant upstaging you?" She teased nervously as the duo of villains loomed over them menacingly.
"She has a point, dear. We can be angry about this later." Mrs. Connors seconded the idea just as the fake She-Hulk was blindsided by a burst of fire.
"Now who dares!?" The fake She-Hulk demanded angrily as she turned just in time to get into a grappling match with the real She-Hulk.
"I'm the one who should be asking you that question, you big faker!" She-Hulk grunted as she steadily got pushed down and back. "The Gamma Green Gal is my shtick, so if you don't mind, I'd really like to have it back."
"I don't have time for your interference." The fake She-Hulk remarked coldly before getting web in her face. "Now what?!" She growled before getting a double haymaker from Spider-Man and Spider-Girl, sending the unbalanced faker crashing into a wall.
"Thank you for flying Air Spider. Please return your seats and tray tables to their upright and locked positions as we begin our decent." Spider-Girl announced in her best stewardess impression. "How was that? Did I do good?" She looked to her boyfriend for approval.
*Spider-Sense!*-*Spider-Sense!*
"Woah!?" Spider-Man panicked as the impostor Spider-Man began attacking him, only for his attacked to be dodged and countered, only for the counter to be countered, and so on and so forth. "Spiderception much? I feel like I'm stuck in a bad video game glitch!" He uttered worriedly as the fake slowly gained the upper hand, only to lose it when Red Sonja cut in and assist, managing to nick the faker across the chest with her blade, drawing first blood. "Thanks for the assist, but how do you know if I'm really me and not the fake?"
"Simple, no one else talks as much as you do." Mary Jane smirked playfully. "Also, your opponent has a slightly larger build than you." Red Sonja added stoically as fake She-Hulk jumped back in the fray, sending a shockwave across the room with a powerful clap.
"No more games, usurper. To protect my world, you will now face the stalwart wrath of Lyra, the one true She-Hulk." The fake She-Hulk frowned as she ripped the webbing off her face, taking her tiara along with it, revealing.
"Oh, hell no..." The real She-Hulk gasped nervously at the red gem pulsating on Lyra's forehead. "Please tell me that isn't-" Whatever she was about to say was cut off when something came crashing in through the skylight, landing with a thud on the ground in the center of the battlefield.
"Hello New York City!" Deadpool shouted happily as he threw his hands in the air, only to lose his epic moment as the person he landed on tossed him off.
"Get away from me, you deformed, irritating buffoon!" The angry man shouted. "I will not have everything I worked for be ruined by-mmph!" He was cut short by the webbing now across his mouth.
"Hey, nobody gets to complain about Deadpool but me!" Spider-Man insisted even as he backflipped away from his copycat. "Also, I don't know who you are, but you might wanna look in a mirror before you go calling others deformed. Seriously, your face looks like burnt cafeteria meatloaf with extra teeth and eyeballs. So, yeah, pretty much exactly like burnt cafeteria meatloaf." He nodded as barely had time to notice his Spider-Sense warning him about Lyra rushing him, only just managing to jump back and cross his arms in defense to cushion the blow, and even then he got sent crashing through the wall.
"You will not mock the world's greatest hero!" Lyra shouted angrily as the gem embedded in her forehead began pulsating again, causing brief but rapid fluctuations in her muscle mass.
'Hmm... very interesting...' Spider-Girl thought to herself as she surreptitiously activated her communicator.
"Lyra you fool! Calm yourself!" The scarred man commanded before getting blasted in the face by laser beams.
"Norman!" Lyra cried worriedly as she rushed to defend her downed comrade from the four girls who came down the same way Deadpool did, two via rope and two via clouds of gas.
"Norman? As in Norman Osborn?" Firestar remarked nervously as the even more heavily scarred maniac got to his feet, his eyes widening further in panic at the sight of Firestar.
"Fire! FIRE!" Osborn cried in terror as he scrambled away. "Kill it you fools! Kill it now!"
"Norman, please calm down." Lyra mirrored his words to her from before as she pulled him back. "Remember, we have insurances for this sort of thing." She remarked as she pointed to the ceiling, where a Spider-Girl impostor was holding a gun to the forehead of Evangeline, the gothic lawyer bound and gagged in webbing.
"Not good..." She-Hulk's heart sank at the sight of her partner being held at gunpoint.
"Yes... Yes, contingencies... We have contingencies." Norman took deep breaths to collect his thoughts. "I hold all the cards." His grin would have widened if it hadn't already been torn to its limit by the kick he'd gotten from Madame Hydra several weeks ago.
"What are you doing here Osborn?" Melati demanded coldly as she bared her fangs at him threateningly. "You aren't welcome in this city, let alone this company."
"This company is mine; MINE! I built it from the ground up, so it's mine!" Osborn growled, his tone fluctuating wildly as he spoke. "You all have NO IDEA what I've been through to get back what's mine, NONE! But I'm gonna take it back now, EVERYTHING that's mine, and so much more."
"Look, Osborn, it's clear that you've been through quite a bit ever since you left the city." She-Hulk tried to gently begin negotiations. "So why don't you just sit down and we can all-"
"SIT DOWN!?" Osborn shouted manically as he pulled out a pumpkin bomb threateningly. "I'm not sitting down, chairs are EVIL! People do things to you in chairs, CRAZY THINGS! Chairs are for my enemies, NOT ME! I'LL NEVER SIT IN A CHAIR AGAIN!"
One of the girls that came in with Deadpool - an Asian teen wearing a yellow hazmat suit - twirled her finger around the side of her head, the universal sign for crazy. The other girls who came in with her could only nod in agreement.
"Look, Norman, just tell us what you want." Spider-Girl asked slowly, trying her best not to set him off again, the current standstill a boiling kettle of crazy just waiting to burst.
"I want my company back!" Osborn growled out tensely. "I want my LIFE back! I want my FACE back! I want my MONEY back! I want my TEST SUBJECTS back! I want my SANITY AND SAFETY back! I want the FUTURE AND LEGACY that I'm owed back! But most of all, I want the head of the man who ruined everything for me delivered to me on a silver platter!"
"You shall not have Spider-Man!" Red Sonja held her sword at the deranged man threateningly. "Decapitated or otherwi-"
"I'm not talking about SPIDER-MAN!" Osborn shouted, once again outraged beyond all reason. "Spider-Man is my legacy, my successor. He will be the one to carry on my legacy into a glorious future for all of mankind!" He preached in his delusions of grandeur. "The clones I made out of his DNA are the first step into the future of all humanity!"
"Clones?!" Spider-Girl gasped as she looked from the fake Spider-Man to the fake Spider-Girl. "You mean to say that they're..."
"The inheritors of our legacy!" Osborn uttered reverently. "And there will be more like him, more like THEM! And the future will be GRAND! I know, I've been told; it's destiny!"
"Who told you? The She-Hulk wannabe?" Melati questioned sarcastically. "What, is she from the future or something?"
"Exactly!" Osborn whispered manically, making everyone roll their eyes tiredly. Even Lyra herself didn't look too happy about it, and she was the one who told him these things. "She showed me what her time was like, what her people were like. Just think, an entire world of beings with super powers! Where those that have power reign supreme as Gods and Emperors over those that do not! Where our people expand a vast empire into the cosmos, and great scientific advances happen every other hour! But none of this is possible without my guidance; without SPIDER-MAN'S guidance! And it all starts so simple as well. Just take some subjects with latent potential, and expedite the growth of their powers. The days of old, inferior humans are over, and the days of the Superiors is now!"
"So you were behind all those kidnappings over the last few days." She-Hulk confirmed as she gazed over at the four girls. Upon closer inspection, aside from the one in the hazmat suit, there was a shapely Caucasian with very short black hair in formfitting suit, white on the torso, and black in the arms, legs, and domino mask, an average girl who was covered from head to toe in black bandages, with only her eyes and neck-length ginger hair showing, and a petite girl in a cream-colored rider suit and helmet, with red and green highlights. "Those girls are them, aren't they?"
"YES! They were mine, I found them wasting their potential in squalor!" Osborn declared in twisted pride. "I found them, rescued them, and helped them realize their true worth!"
"Rescued us?!" The girl in the hazmat suit shouted angrily, her gloves peeling back to reveal her glowing hands, which the other girls quickly backed away from. "I had a good life, with a loving family, and you took that all away from me!" She growled as the glow of her hands intensified, Osborn backing up slightly in fear. "Now I can't even be around people without this stupid suit, or I'll give them radiation poisoning just by being near them! I'm like some walking Hazmat, and it's all your fault!" With that burst of anger, she blasted twin beams of pure radiation at Osborn, which Lyra calmly intercepted with one hand.
"You think this energy bothers me?" Lyra remarked coldly. "You think HE doesn't bother me? I have the Power Gem, which allows me to absorb and utilize limitless amounts of energy and strength at my whims. As for Osborn, let me just say that I do what I must to protect my timeline from being erased by fools who recklessly alter history for their own selfish gains."
"HEY! I'm the only guy here who gets to do exposition on the Infinity Gems!" Deadpool complained bitterly as he pulled out a rocket launcher from thin air, catching everyone by surprise when it only fired confetti. "Gotcha! That was just my party cannon! I'm a total Brony!" Sadly, he was cut short when Lyra threw a large chunk of rubble at him.
"And isn't altering history for selfish ends exactly what you're doing?" A voice came from the shadows as the fake Spider-Girl had her gun yanked away by a thread, while Evangeline was cut free from her bindings by a quick swipe of claws. "Need a hand there, Tall, Vicious, and Scaly?" Black Cat teased as she carried the petite lawyer to safety.
"Thanks for the help, Cat." Evangeline nodded gratefully. "You too Spider...Man?" She trailed off in awe as she and everyone else paused to stare at Spider-Man's new threads. Gone was the simple red and blue costume, and in its place was a high-end armor. The torso was primarily red, with a black Spider-Logo stretching its legs from his shoulders to his waist, and a simple utility belt around his waist. The legs were mainly a black bulletproof fabric, with red, extra strength armor on his shins, outer thighs, and the tops of his feet. His mask was a heavily plated helmet with several built in computers to monitor his suit and enemies. His arms had the most durable armor at his disposal as light blue shoulder pads, and his forearms were covered in red gauntlets with some sort of blasters built onto the back of his wrists.
"Oh, were you expecting the Easter Bunny or a unicorn by any chance?" Spider-Man quipped as he cracked his knuckles. "Speaking of mythical creatures, you're looking even uglier than the last time we came face-to-face." He chuckled as he glanced at Osborn. "What's the matter? Was your Green Goblin costume in the wash? What are you suppose to be now; Freddy Kruger's less attractive cousin?"
"Laugh all you want for now Spider-Man, but even you can't fight destiny!" Osborn grinned maniacally. "Lyra, Spiders, retrieve my subjects! They'll be mine one way or another." He ordered maliciously.
"Fat chance of that happening. Time to put my Spider-Armor through its paces." Spider-Man remarked as he and Spider-Girl rushed forward and vaulted off of Lyra's shoulders, Peter grabbing the clone Spider-Man mid-swing while Gwen helped Melati and the Connors get to safety. "By the way Osborn, I heard all that crazy stuff you guys were talking about before." He glared hotly at the man as he fired a web bomb from his wrist cannon, completely cocooning his clone from neck to toe in one shot before getting them both out of the way of Lyra. Not wanting to believe what he heard, but not able to rest easy without confirmation, he quickly yanked the mask of the double, seeing, much to his ire, his own face looking back at him. "Isn't it bad enough that you tried to ruin my life? You had to make a clone of me and ruin his life too?!"
*Spider-Sense!*-Incoming WTF Moment!
"Two clones, Spider-Man." Osborn reminded him as the clone Spider-Girl swung around to attack him. "After all, the Weapon X Program made such good use of a female version of the infamous Wolverine, that I simply had to try the same with a female Spider."
"You turned me into a woman?!" Peter panicked as he barely stayed ahead of his opposite sex clone in his shock. "Okay, that is the second most messed up thing that's ever happened to me!"
"Don't be so quick to judge." Firestar remarked teasingly as she and most of the other women on the scene were occupied just trying to keep Lyra at bay. American Dream was currently getting the worst of it, as the wielder of the Power Gem landed a hammer fist into her shield, sending her flying back several feet. Something that shouldn't have been possible, since the unique alloy it was made of should have completely absorbed the impact. "I'd kinda like to see what you look like as a woman."
"Fine, then you can deal with her." He jumped up and tagged out with Liz. "I've got a plan of how to send Ms. Back To The Future here, back to the future, or at least into a cell." He grinned under his helmet as he fired a small thread from under his wrist at Deadpool's ankle before yanking him over as a human shield to tank a hit from Lyra for him.
"Was that really necessary, dude?" Deadpool whined as he got back up. "I may be able to regenerate, but I can still feel pain, ya know!"
"Sorry about the abrupt scapegoat routine, but I need your help to defeat Lyra." Spider-Man apologized as he pulled the merc aside for a strategy meeting. "I need you to make her as mad as you possibly can. Crack every joke you can and then some to get her riled up."
"Uh, did you hit your head when she punched you, because you're sounding even crazier than I am." Deadpool blinked in confusion. "Last time I checked, Hulk, times angry, equals Arma-funking-geddon!"
"Not this Hulk." Spider-Man shook his head as the battle continued to rage on around them, American Dream, Red Sonja, and Black Cat using the indestructible shield in tandem to play dodgeball with Lyra. "Spider-Girl saw the Power Gem surge and mess with her when she got angry for just a second, and Osborn clearly doesn't want her mad. I'm guessing that whatever future she comes from made her work differently than other Hulks; anger doesn't make her stronger, it makes her unstable, or at least in conjunction with the Power Gem it does. I'd do it myself, but as much as it pains me to admit it, you're more annoying than I am. Plus, like you just said, you can regenerate, so you've got that point in your favor too."
"I'll do it on one condition." Deadpool said teasingly before whispering something into Peter's ear.
"...You have got to be kidding me." Spider-Man glared dryly at the loony merc, who put on the best shit-eating grin he could beneath him mask. "Fine... Help me Obi-Wade Kenobi, you're my only hope." He sighed reluctantly.
"You got it dude!" Deadpool shouted excitedly before jumping right in front of Lyra and doing a Marilyn Monroe pose with an old garbage bag and some wires, making everyone pause in shock and confusion at his antics again.
"I don't have time for this." Lyra muttered in mild irritation before trying to punch Deadpool again, only to get a flash bang in the face for her trouble.
"Health Bar in your face!" Deadpool shouted as he jumped up and pulled a half-full health bar out of nowhere and bashed Lyra over the head with it. "Feel the love of the Hyper Combo!" He continued his combo as he pulled his Combo Meter out from under himself and smacked her backhand and forehand, sending her flying several meters back before she suddenly fell from the sky right in front of him. "And it's a hooome ruuun! This is a Hyper Cooomboooo!"
"What the-?! How the-?!" Lyra reacted in stunned shock as she gestured around wildly, everyone else having similar sentiments of paralyzed silence. "How did you do that?! It's a violation of common sense and physics!" In less than a second, her entire body started expanding and contracting wildly, her skin and bones repeatedly tearing and mending as she coughed up huge amounts of blood, desperately trying to calm herself down.
"Don't let him get to you, Lyra!" Osborn commanded her. "Think of the fate of your timeline if-d'oh!" He grunted as Spider-Man blindsided him with a kick to the face.
"Wow, you're really off your game today, Norman." Spider-Man grinned as he fired his web cannon at him, securing him to the wall. "Are you slipping, or have I just gotten that good? Keep up the good work Deadpool; you've almost got her!" He instructed as he jumped atop Lyra's undulating shoulders and placed his hand on her forehead. "Thank goodness for insulated armor. Now I just gotta... get a good grip on the Infinity Gem!" He grunted as he struggled to pull the red colored gem loose.
"You... will not take my power from me!" Lyra grunted as she took deep calming breaths to slow down the energy surges. "Get... off of me!" She got angry again as she tried to pry Spider-Man off of her shoulders and face.
"Hey Lyra! Yo Mama's so stupid, she thought Deadpool was a pool for zombies!" Deadpool quipped, sending Lyra into an outright apoplectic rage, deforming her already fluctuating body even further. I hope the guys at the YoMama channel on YouTube see this! I totally wanna do a crossover joke with The Walking Dead! Stay out of the water COOoooAAaaArrrrRRllLLLlllll!
'Who the fuck do you think you are, bitch?!' An irate voice echoed through Spider-Man's head. 'Power is rage incarnate! To deny your anger is to deny me!'
'This voice, is it the Power Gem?!' Peter realized in surprise. 'Uncle Ben said something about the Infinity Gems having a will of their own, but I had no idea it would be this literal!'
'Who are you?!' The Power Gem demanded. 'Never mind, it doesn't matter. Just get me off of this backwards fool! I can't standing having a host that gets weaker with rage instead of stronger. It goes against everything Power stands for!'
"I'm... trying!" Spider-Man's voice strained as he tugged at the gem with all his might, energy surging out of control from around his hand, and his armor cracking under the vice grip of Lyra. "But you're on there real tight... and electric insulation of this armor was designed to hold up against Electro, not... however much energy this is! Not to mention, if the damage to my armor is any indication, this bitch is stronger than the Rhino too!" He winced as he actually began feeling some pain from the pressure on his arms, and the energy emanating from the gem. Just as he was able to recoil from the pain and fall prey to Lyra's full anger, he felt the pressure leave his arms, and a new, more delicate, yet still strong pressure around his torso pulling him back.
"You do what you have to handsome!" She-Hulk winced as she strained to keep a solid grip on her boyfriend, while also using her legs to pry apart Lyra's arms, and use them as leverage. "I can keep this up all day if I had to." She managed to give him a reassuring wink.
"I'm here too!" Spider-Girl nodded as her hands grabbed onto his firmly rooted arm and pulled.
"We all are!" Red Sonja nodded in agreement as she, American Dream, Black Cat, Firestar, and even Nico gathered around and helped pull as well.
"Don't forget about Eva!" A deep yet feminine voice remarked as a green-scaled, humanoid dragon woman with massive muscles and a prodigious height of two and a half meters wrapped her arms around everyone and added her strength to the massive tug of war.
"Eva, babe! What happened to you?" She-Hulk grinned as she happily nestled her head in the dragon woman's massive bosom. "You look like someone beat Fing Fang Foom over the head with Rule 63."
"Some of this crazy lady's blood splattered on me when she started mutating." Eva answered as she spread her wings and flapped with gusto to get some extra leverage. "Guess gamma blood works different from regular blood?" She shrugged her broad shoulders playfully before putting on her serious face. "Now brace yourselves everyone, things are about to get bumpy!" She gave a mighty heave as her tail lashed out at Lyra's legs, toppling her to the ground as Spider-Man ripped the Power Gem free, immediately stopping the surges, and causing everyone to go flying back from the recoil.
"Oh god, everything hurts..." Spider-Man whimpered as he struggled to get to his feet, working together with all of his girlfriends to support each other. "Let's never do that again, okay?" He winced as he looked at the residual crackling of the blood red gem in his hand... along with the actual blood that got on his suit when he ripped off part of Lyra's face. "Let's really... never do that again." He swallowed the bile rising in his throat as forced himself not to look at Lyra, who was currently twitching on the floor at the far side of the room. Just as he was about to pocket the Power Gem in a special pouch on his utility belt however, the gem began floating in the air on its own. "Oh, what now?!" He whined tiredly, too sore to offer any resistance.
'Finally! A worthy host to wield my power has arisen!' The voice of the Power Gem reverberated through the room, shaking everything and everyone.
*Spider-Sense!*-Stop That Gem!
"Anansi spins a Web of lies!" A feminine voice shouted, stumbling Spider-Man long enough for the Power Gem to shoot at and implant itself in She-Hulk's forehead.
"Jenn!" Peter panicked as he and everyone else gathered around She-Hulk. "Jenn, are you alright?" He held her shaking shoulders worriedly.
"Alright?" She-Hulk panted as the Power Gem sent energy crackling all over her body. "I'm more than alright, this Gem is lighting my fire! AAUUUUUGGGHH!" She moaned in ecstasy as she grew ten feet tall, her hair grew twice as long as she was tall while staying smooth and silky, her muscles rapidly expanded, becoming almost as big as her more (in)famous cousin's, while retaining her distinctly feminine build. Even her bust was now more generous in proportion to her frame than before, but through it all, her face retained its delicate features, and her clothes grew with her body (the last one much to Deadpool's disappointment). "Oh yeeeaaaah, I could get used to this." She grinned as she made a few poses, happily studying and exploring her new form.
"I'd really rather you didn't." Nico pouted as she self-consciously adjusted her magically endowed bust. "Just when I'd finally gotten an edge." She glanced between Jennifer and Evangeline, both of whom were now bigger than her.
"I'm more interested in whoever just cut me off." Spider-Man remarked as he turned to greet their new guests. "And just who might you two be?" He asked of the two signatures his helmet computer detected.
"The wise man woman, and the sight beyond sight." A blindfolded girl in a black jumpsuit greeted the group as she and a dominatrix-dressed woman entered.
"Who with the what now?" Deadpool scratched his head with the dull edge of his katana.
"You'll have to forgive my friend here, she has a very eccentric way of speaking." The dominatrix garbed woman apologized as she approached Spider-Man. "My name is Sage, and this is Blindfold, we are both X-Men." She introduced them both as she shook his hand.
"X-Men? As in, actual, real life X-Men?!" Firestar asked excitedly as she flew over. "OMG, I've totally been studying everything I possibly can about you ever since I developed my powers! My superhero name is Firestar. Big fan, big fan of everything you guys do!" She grabbed both of the girls hands and shook them enthusiastically.
"That's very flattering of you to say, but we actually came here to talk with your friend Spider-Man. Alone." Sage bluntly excused herself and Blindfold. "Fate of the world matters, you understand."
"Totally! Absolutely! You need my boyfriend, you got my boyfriend!" Firestar backpedaled and enthusiastically pushed her lover forward. "I'll just be over here, hanging out, taking care of civilians. Just regular, normal, superhero mutant stuff. Did I mention I'm a mutant too? Because I am."
"Okay, that's quite enough Firestar." American Dream pulled her away and ushered everyone else left along with them. "C'mon now, let's give them some space to discuss. We can worry about She-Hulk powering up, evil future She-Hulks, civilians developing powers, and Evangeline becoming... whatever she is now, while Spider-Man deals with the X-Men."
*Spider-Sense!*-Don't Li-GKZSSHHICT!
"Gah!" Peter winced as his Spider-Sense shorted out, something that had never happened before. "What the hell is going-?!"
"Interesting..." Sage hummed thoughtfully as she traced her fingers across his hand. "A precognitive instinct that warns you of any immediate danger. Not nearly as farseeing as Blindfold's prophesies, but far more accurate and truly spectacular nonetheless... And yet there's something else... something that shouldn't be there..."
"Hey! Hands off, will ya?!" Peter panicked as he tried to yank his hand away, but found that his arm wouldn't budge. Not because Sage had super strength or anything, because she doesn't, but because Peter's entire body was seizing up. "What are you doing to me?" He could barely raise his voice above a whisper, unable to remember a time he felt more physically vulnerable.
"Ask not what one does, but why one does it." Blindfold remarked as she placed her hands to Peter's temples, causing everything to spontaneously go black, except for Spider-Man himself, Sage, and Blindfold.
Location Unknown - Time Unknown
"Okay, I am officially lost here." Peter scratched his head, glad to be able to move again. "What's going on? Where are we?" He demanded to know.
"Spider-Man!" An elderly female voice called out in shock and relief. "Thank goodness you're here, I've been trying to contact you for some time now!"
"Contact me? Who are you, and why have you... Holy Shit!" He gasped when he spotted an elderly woman garbed in red robes, seated in an ornate spider-themed chair, with purple shackles chaining her to it, and chaining the chair to the massive web behind her. "Okay... this is freaky, even by my standards."
"Spider-Man, I know you are confused, and I wish I had more time to explain, but you must get me out of these shackles before she arrives and ruins everything." The elderly woman pleaded.
"And why exactly should I do that?" Spider-Man replied cautiously. "I don't even know who you are. For all I know there's a good reason you're trapped in there."
"So you are the interference hijacking his Spider-Sense." Sage realized, drawing Spider-Man's attention in his shock. "Oh yeah you don't know, I can analyze the genetic material and minds of others through physical contact. By the way did you know that you are only using your mutation at 70% capacity? Oh wait someone already explained it to you."
"He must not resort to that!" The elderly woman panicked. "The center of the web must avoid taking a life in cold blood at all costs!"
"Will someone please talk sense here?!" Spider-Man demanded loudly, pausing when Blindfold tugged gently on his arm. "I don't suppose you have any answers that I can understand?" He questioned her politely, receiving a curt nod and a fluid wave of the hand in response.
"Anansi spins a web of lies, the center or shredder, the curse lives or dies." Just as Spider-Man was about to roll his eyes in exasperation, two empty spaces in the web behind the old woman rippled to reveal moving images.
"What the hell is this supposed to be?" Spider-Man questioned as he jumped up to the web to get a closer look.
*Spider-Sense!*-Don't Lo-GET THE FUCK OUT, MADAME WEB!
"What the hell was that?!" Spider-Man nearly jumped out of his suit in shock, catching sight of Madame Web - he wasn't sure how he knew her name now - doubled over in pain, and Sage with an angry look on her face.
"Yeah, I have bad experience with people trying to pull this brainwashing crap, so I'm gonna have to ask you to stay the fuck out of Spider-Man's head." Sage scolded the old crone. "A hero as noble as him doesn't need an obviously manipulative jerk messing around with his Spider-Sense."
"I am not meddling with it!" Madame Web tried to defend herself. "I am channeling into him the source of-"
"Male bovine feces." Blindfold remarked nonchalantly. "That which science has wrought cannot be torn asunder by facts which are not."
"Okay, I barely got the first part of that, not so much everything else." Spider-Man remarked as he turned his attention back to one of the windows. "I swear if it's not riddles then it's half-truths, or even outright lies. Why has my life been getting so irritatingly cryptic as of late?" Ignoring Madame Web's protest his lenses widened in shock at the sight in the window. Norman Osborn, the man who had ruined so many lives just to fuel his ego, line his billfold, and secure a legacy favorable only to him, being celebrated as the fucking PRESIDENT, and the world's greatest hero, in a grand parade that couldn't be more egotistical if he tried (which the sociopath probably did). "Is this what crazy future She-Hulk showed Osborn? A possible future where he was Dictator Weekly's Person of The Year?"
*Spider-Sense!*-Look no furth-I SAID GET LOST, BITCH!
"Okay, will you people PLEASE stop playing tug of war with my brain?! GAH!" He demanded as he turned irately back to the only other people here, nearly jumping out of his suit when he saw Blindfold floating in midair directly in front of his face. "Do I need to put a bell on you or something? Because you are deceptively stealthy for a chick in a blindfold." He remarked calmly as she placed her hands on his temples. "Yes, you can read my mind, or something like that at least." He guessed and immediately corrected himself as she shook her head. "By the way, just so we're clear, we are in my mind right now, aren't we? Because you don't strike me as the type of girl that can fly." The only response he got was a shrug. "Okay, you seem like one of those cryptic prophet types, so you probably know where we are, which means your answer must be yes, but no?"
"You're pretty good at deciphering her words for a first timer." Sage remarked as she floated up next to them both. "Most people get driven up the walls trying to figure her out; and don't make a crack about your wall-crawling." She cut him off before he could quip.
"Damn, I really had a good one." He pouted as he crawled over to the other window on the web. "By the way what happened to Madame Web, and why do I know her name all of a sudden?"
"I managed to shut her out for the moment." Sage answered. "She'll probably be back soon enough, but until then we can just chat."
"Nice." Spider-Man nodded as he gazed into the window as it came into focus. "Anyway, what do you think I'm looking at here? I'm guessing a metaphysical representation of Chaos Theory displaying select items based on individual need and perception in the infinite possible outcomes of infinite events?"
"Surprisingly articulate for a clown." Sage noted hungrily. "But I guess that's to be expected of an unparalleled genius. Speaking of which once we're out of here will you engage in a physical and intellectual relationship with me? No need to waste any time with the emotional bullshit when we're both individuals of vast IQ." She immediately took notice of shocked reaction and reevaluated her opinion. "Am I right, or is that a social no-no? My brain is closer to a super computer than a typical human brain, so I have trouble discerning these matters; and that's quite literal, not an allegory for autism. Though I was born in the traditional sense I'm literally closer to an organic machine than an actual person."
"No kidding, even your way of explaining your brain is on analog is analog." Spider-Man remarked as the image in the web cleared up to show him and Spider-Girl fighting the Green Goblin in the skyline of New York. "Why do you want to sleep with me anyway? We just met after all."
"As I said before, I can read your entire history through touch." Sage held up her hand. "We are intellectually compatible, I approve of almost all of your actions in life, I question your judgement and guilt complex at times, but you are making much progress in that regard. Furthermore I am interested in helping to bring out your full potential in mixing Chaos and Tantric energies. The final deciding factor is your peerless skill in your sex life."
"You saw that too?" He whined as the fight in the window moved to the George Washington Bridge. "I swear that privacy is impossible with you, it's like we're already dating."
"So this means you will add us to your harem." Sage confirmed as Blindfold smiled fondly from the sidelines. "Ruth has also seen many possible futures of yours, and probably knows more about you than you know about yourself, as do I. We like what we see, and we see no reason for all of us not to act on these feelings."
"Fine, I'll go out with both of you." Spider-Man rolled his eyes. "Not like I won't accept any girls who are-WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL!" His blood froze at the final image he saw on the web before the world around him faded back to reality, himself, Sage, and Blindfold still in the exact positions they were when they went into his mind. "I don't believe it... No, no it can't be. It just can't!"
Reality - Same Time and Place
"The Web tangles and twists, sending Spiders to fits." Blindfold rubbed his arm comfortingly. "Threads that may or may not, pains and mercy it does wrought."
"Right, it's all just possibilities, not a guarantee." Peter took deep calming breaths. "Still... what I just saw... my girlfriend getting... blown up." He choked out. "By Green Goblin... do you know how likely it is?"
Blindfold just shook her head somberly and reluctantly pointed at Norman Osborn, who was still strung up against the wall.
"...I'm not sure I like where this is going..." Spider-Man winced as he began piecing everything together. Peter wasn't an idiot, one look at his GPA could easily tell you that. That whole business with Madame Web and those purple chains binding her had been just as sudden, shocking, and confusing an intrusion in his life as a purple armored cosmic girlfriend of his. Madame Web seemed dead set on preventing him from crossing a line, while Galacta needed him to cross that line to provide her with enough energy to never need to feed on planets again. And both of them seemed to have some higher agenda dependent on his choice. The biggest difference between them seemed to be their methods. While Galacta was tricky when she needed to be, but always upfront when asked outright, his brief encounter with Madame Web showed him that she was upfront with his Spider-Sense - if she really was the one responsible for it, though Blindfold's riddles implied she was just manipulating it - but was cryptic to the point of irritating. Realizing he couldn't put off this decision any further, he turned his grim gaze to Osborn.
"Spider-Man, please think about what you are considering!" The semi-transparent image of Madame Web appeared behind Osborn. "Think of what your aunt and uncle taught you! If you cross this line now you will never go back! The world needs Spider-Man as he is, and the visions you saw in the Web of Life are uncertainties, mere possibilities for the future! You have the power to change them, but you must stay true to yourself! You must be the hero the world needs you to be!"
"I just have two questions." Spider-Man began as he approached Osborn. "How did you get so many different criminal organizations to cover your tracks? AIM, The Maggia, The Hand, The Purifiers. None of these groups would work together under normal circumstances, so how did you manage it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Osborn struggled against his bindings. "Madame Hydra has had me locked up for weeks, forcing me to work on a neural parasite, while I barely had enough time and secrecy to work on cloning you! I had no time to be forming alliances."
'So HYDRA is involved.' Peter realized as he took a second look at some of the files on the Omega Drive, filtering the results through Madame Hydra. 'AIM and HYDRA are direct competitors, reverse psychology could work pretty well there. Silver Samurai, the leader of The Hand, is the long time lover of current HYDRA leader, Madame Hydra. There's no bad blood between HYDRA and The Maggia, and thugs like them, even organized, are pretty easy to hire for a job. The Purifiers are blind racists, totally easy to manipulate. As for Osborn himself, there's no way he could have managed to weasel the leeway to make clones of me without HYDRA noticing. Looks like Madame Hydra's been pulling everyone's strings. Hell, they may even be pulling mine, completely unaware that they are.' Shaking away his nerves, he turned his attention back to Osborn.
"As for my second question; you said that you want the head of the person who ruined you, but that it wasn't me." Spider-Man noted curiously. "So who is it? Who, if not me, ruined you?"
"After all our time together, you still haven't figured it out?" Osborn sneered at his adversary. "After all the hard work and love I put in to trying to raise him and toughen him up, only for him to disappoint me time and time again, Harry's death will mark the beginning of my new legacy, with a worthy Inheritor!"
"Hell. No." Peter whispered in shock and rage at Osborn's callousness. He may have disowned Harry as a friend after what he did to Gwen, but he was only such a huge tool because of his father's twisted expectations and so-called love to begin with. Peter had to do something, if only for the memory of the friend Harry used to be. Making up his mind, Peter steeled his nerves for what he was about to do.
*Spider-Sense!*-Don't do it!
'I think I'm gonna ignore that tingle just this once.' Peter worked through the headache he was getting as he lurked over to Osborn, causing Madame Web's face to contort in a mixture of fear and rage.
*SPIDER-SENSE!*-I SAID DON'T DO IT!
"GAH!" Peter winced as he held his head in his hands. "Don't... try to stop me!" He demanded as he fought against Madame Web's influence on his Spider-Sense.
*SPIDER-SENSE!*-PUNCH TO THE FACE!
"What the hell?!" Peter shouted in shock as he actually felt a solid blow to the face, strong enough to crack off one of the lenses of his helmet.
"I tried to be reasonable with you, Spider-Man. I tried to be nice, but you forced my hand!" Madame Web declared furiously. "If you will not listen to reason, then perhaps you will listen to force!"
"Oh yeah 'do what I say or I'll hurt you' real reasonable there M-Dubs!" Peter growled as he forced his way forward, Sage taking the cue to to place her hand on the exposed skin of his face left by the opening in his helmet, blocking out the worst of Madame Web's control over his Spider-Sense. "I don't know what your endgame is, but if you can't even give me one good, clear, understandable reason not to kill Osborn right now, then it can't be anything good!"
Spider-Man's words and actions, while confusing to Osborn thus far, became perfectly clear as a long spike popped out of the underside of Spider-Man's wrist, cracking open a hole in his gauntlet, and impaling Osborn right through the heart.
"NNoooOOoOOOooAAAaaHHHooOOOOooooo!" Madame Web screeched as her astral projection eroded away as if caught in a massive sandstorm to nothing but a mummified form, which quickly crumbled to dust.
As the image faded away and Osborn bled out, images of a bygone era flashed through Peter's mind. Centuries ago, during the dark ages, an aging witch afraid of her own mortality struggled desperately to find a method of eternal life. After much searching, near the end of her life, the witch found the secret she was looking for in a vast web of energy and foresight, which existed beyond time and space as humanity knew it. This Web of Life had no concept of death, for it was born of an immortal from beyond human comprehension. This web had the power to change the world, and even the universe as humanity knew it, but instead of sharing this knowledge and allowing humanity to venture into an untold era of prosperity, she horded it to herself, stifling her species to keep the reaper at bay.
Decades later however, a young man of great courage and wisdom, wearing a coat of arms based on a Spider managed to obtain access to this Web as well, this time with every intention of using the power to benefit the world. However, the wicked witch, greedy as ever, manipulated the noble young man by killing his mentor in such a way as to make it look like the man himself was guilty by negligence. She would then twist his mind and actions to suit her own needs, compelling him through manipulating his guilt and his natural ability to foresee danger to prevent him from ever killing anyone, thus introducing the concept of death to the Web of Life, and ending her own life everlasting.
Over the centuries, the witch needed to make it so the will of the first Spider continued to live on even after his death, to prevent the concept of death from entering the Web of Life. This made the web spread across countless worlds in countless universes, always inspiring those who gained its power to don the same coat of arms as the first Spider, thus expanding the power and reach of the Web even further. And every time someone gained the power of the Web, the ancient witch that had come to call herself Madame Web would be there to control them, all for the sake of eternally prolonging her own twisted life.
Later - Parker (formerly Osborn) Penthouse
"How did I get here?" Peter asked himself as he wandered vacantly through the fancy loft he had inherited as part of the (now officially) late Norman Osborn's will. "What have I done?" He wondered as he looked at his bloodstained gauntlets.
"What you needed to." Galacta answered as she appeared before him, barely even getting a passing glance as acknowledgement. "I get it, you're mad at me for tricking you like I did, but please let me at least try to explain." She pleaded, her voice cracking in her grief.
"No need, I already saw everything when I killed Green Goblin and Madame Web." Peter shrugged off her words before taking off his broken helmet, letting it roll to the ground as he sat down and began removing the rest of his armor. "I understand why you did what you did, and I'm not upset about it. I just wish that doing the right thing didn't feel so wrong."
"It may be right, it may be wrong, it may be bad, or it may be good." Rachel Alves commented as she approached him. Funny, Peter was so out of it he hadn't even noticed her, or that all of his girlfriend were currently in the room as well. "When it comes to killing bad people, the line is pretty damn blurry to be honest. Either way, I'm proud of you for doing what you had to today. You've really grown from that hopelessly idealistic fool I met during the destruction of The Exchange."
"I don't know if that's a good thing." Peter frowned sullenly.
"Peter." Was all Laura said as she took his hand and placed it on her swollen midsection, her actions saying more than her words ever could.
"Harry may have been a creep, but that's because he came from such a bad place." Liz assured him as her fire warmed him.
"You uprooted the evil of the Osborn family at its source, maybe now Harry has a chance to heal." Mary Jane held him close.
"You killed a monster to save the innocent, in my experience that makes you a hero." Natasha added as she and Silver grabbed his shoulders.
"You may have saved me, but you can't save everyone." Silver said sympathetically.
"You saved me and love me even after I was such a jerk, so don't let one perceived failure get you down." Felicia snuck in and grabbed him from behind.
"I gave myself massive breasts because I knew you were worth it. Don't make these for nothing." Nico warned him as she sat on his lap, pressing her breasts against the growing group hug.
"You swallowed your pride and did what you had to for the sake of protecting liberty and justice for all." Shannon nodded in approval as she placed her shield in his hand and held it tight.
"Sinner burn in Hell, often at the hands of the just. That is the natural course of events." Alejandra mixed her flames with Liz's, sending a reassuring warmth through everyone.
"I'm pretty sure I'm stuck like this now, so you'd better man up and take responsibility." Evangeline grinned as she grabbed everyone in a big hug, her tail reaching beyond her arms to make sure everyone was secure.
"Not to mention you still have five more Infinity Gems to find hosts for." Jennifer reminded him as she held everyone from opposite her dragonoid coworker. "Didn't you say that was a mission from your uncle?"
"We've already said all we need to." Sage added as she and Ruth hopped on Jennifer's broad shoulders.
"Please Peter, don't blame yourself for this. This was all my plan, so hate me instead." Galacta looked down sadly from her perch on Evangeline's shoulder.
"For that matter, don't hate anyone over this." Gwen looked at her lover sympathetically. "Galacta explained to all of us what happened while you were walking around all vacant. You did what you did to protect me." She grabbed his hand and placed it over her stomach. "You did it to protect us." She amended, causing Peter's eyes to widen in shock. "That's right Peter, I'm pregnant. So please, come back to us, and be the hero the city needs you to be; the hero the world needs you to be; the leader Alchemax needs you to be; the lover we need you to be; and the father your children need you to be."
"I..." Peter hesitated as he looked around, seeing all the women who loved him; Gwen, Mary Jane, Felicia, Liz, Galacta, Laura, Jennifer, Evengeline, Natasha, Silver, Nico, Alejandra, Shannon, hell, even new girls like Sage and Ruth, and the heavily emotionally scarred Rachel seemed to need him just as much as he need them right now. Knowing this, he only had one response he could make. "Love you all so much." He said with all his heart and soul.
*Spider-Sense!*-Prepare to be sore for a week!
"Prove it." Rachel smirked deviously. "To all of us."
"Uhh..." Peter's brain shorted out momentarily. "All at once?"
"Of course." Sage nodded in agreement. "I managed to get the data of Chaos Energy entering your body from when I touched you while you killed Osborn, but I still need data on Tantric Energy, preferably in large quantities."
"By the way, I modified the bed to accommodate all of us, so don't even try to use that as an excuse." Galacta smirked as everyone made their way to the bedroom.
"We need to test out our new bodies too, so let's have this be practice." Evangine grinned and Jennifer nodded in agreement.
"I'm still a little sore from earlier, so what's a little more aching between lovers?" Nico engulfed Peter's torso with her breasts.
'Life just got a whole lot crazier.' Peter winced as he prepared for sexual Armageddon.
Meanwhile - Unknown Location
"How goes your little project?" A powerful looking man in a silver colored suit of samurai armor asked as he approached a desk where a green haired woman was sitting.
"Everything is progressing as planned, my love." Madame Hydra smirked as she looked over the report from one of her field agents. "the AIM agents were tricked, and The Maggia thugs didn't bother to check the payment properly before doing the job. Both organizations should now have quite a bit of animosity with Spider-Man. How are things on your end?"
The Silver Samurai's lips twitched upward, the closest he got to a smile. "The most disloyal members of The Hand were sent on this mission, and died as expected. They will serve as a warning to any other thoughts of dissent."
"Good, I refuse to allow another organization like The Exchange to take root." Madame Hydra let out a brief chuckle as she closed the report. "It wasn't easy to set them up to crash little Rachel's wedding, but it was well worth it to stamp out the danger they posed. Her psychological profile and military experience was the perfect setting for another Punisher."
"Indeed, but what of the so-called 'Purifiers'?" Silver Samurai hissed in disdain. "They may have lost a hundred in the attack by the Punishers, but they still have thousands more around the world, with many other even more fractured groups that share their mindset."
"Patience, Beloved." Madame Hydra said soothingly as she approached him and traced her fingers seductively across his armor. "With the data HYDRA gathered on them during their assault, we now have a much more thorough understanding of their power structure and movements." Noting the slight growl of impatience her lover gave, Madame Hydra continued. "Calm yourself, Kanuichio. I know you rightly despise those mutant haters, but just think of the possibilities. Thousands of blind racists, each one of them such unlikable people outside of their social circles that no one would miss them if they all just disappeared at once. An army ripe for the taking."
"And just how do you intend to control this army?" Silver Samurai expressed his doubts.
Madame Hydra, to the credit of her planning abilities and callousness, just smiled cruelly as a large vat with a tentacled thing floating in it rose from behind her desk. "Though he may have been a fool, and so far out of his depth that it was barely even fun to torture him to the brink, the late Norman Osborn was an unquestionable scientific genius. With the data we managed to collect on the Mind Gem before Spider-Man stole it, he was able to create a mind controlling weapon of unparalleled potential. The people it controls end up little more than mindless drones, but we were never trying to recruit The Purifiers for their brains anyway."
Deadpool Notes
"Hey there! I'm Deadpool! Here to tell you why the Fuck it took so long for this chapter to get finished and posted!" It would be nice to get an explanation for that. "Shut up, it takes a long time to get stuff this epic out! Anyway, truth be told, this chapter was actually completed about a week ago, but at the time of this chapter being posted-" April, Twenty-Sixth, Two-Thousand-and-Sixteen. "Thank you for that, and for everyone reading this chapter after the next update. Anyway, today is the writer's birthday, so given the timing, and the fact that this is his favorite chapter planned for the entire story, he decided to make this chapter a special birthday present to himself. Sorry for the wait though, but we'd like to give a big thanks to all our readers for staying up to date on The Spectacular Spider-Harem! Tune in next time to find out more about the secret origin of the Spiders, as well as adding all those new heroines introduced this chapter to the Spider-Harem. Damnit! I am so jealous of Spidey right now! When does Deadpool get his harem?!"
"Right now, you gorgeous lump of cancerous tissue!" Lady Deadpool catcalls as she pounces on her male counterpart.
"Oh hell no! I don't wanna get it on with her, she's crazy! And also me!" Deadpool tried to run.
"Not even if I managed to talk a few of your other lady friends into joining? Like Domino, Outlaw, Siryn, and Copycat?"
"...Did you?"
"Hey Wade, feeling lucky?" Domino teased as she wrapped her arms around his chest from behind.
"He's such a good shot, how could he not be?" Outlaw seconded as she reached her hands down his pants from behind.
"Let's cut to the chase Wade; the female version of you said you would kill every duplicate of Madrox for me if I joined this harem thing you're doing." Siryn approached him like she was proposing a simple yet important business deal.
"I was a prostitute when you first found me, this is pretty much the greatest prospect I've ever had." Copycat shrugged as she leaned on Lady Deadpool. "Besides, she said something about me being your love interest in your movie. I'm not sure if that's an actual offer, or just your usual weirdness, but either way I want in."
"Hooray for Self-cest!" Deadpool let out a whoop-whoop as his harem carried him to his bedroom for hours of kinky and passionate lovemaking.
