Disclaimer: I love Suzanne Collins. She created these marvellous, Gorgeous Characters, and I feel privileged to be messing with them. I don't own them, never will and make no profit. Still love them though.

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-x-x-x-

"They won't go away, Katniss… and…" He looked at me and swallowed again, his face going pink with embarrassment. "Oh, for god's sake," He sighed, "Go ask Haymitch, sweetheart."

He was up like a shot, his face bright red, and his eyes shining.

Go ask Haymitch, sweetheart.

Don't worry, Peeta. I will.

-x-x-x-

Katniss

That's how I ended up here, sitting in Haymitch's living room, holding a bottle of water and afraid to breathe in, through either my nose or my mouth. It reeks of alcohol in here, lines and lines of bottles stacked up on every window ledge, every available flat surface had either a stain on it that looked suspiciously like dark rum, or was barely visible underneath a pile of glasses, be they broken or half-full of… God knows what.

I swallowed and took a breath as Haymitch stepped through the room, navigating the bottles and grinned widely at me.

"Alright, sweetheart? To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I-Peeta and I were talking, about…" I looked at Haymitch and saw the colour draining from his face. "We were talking about how we're coping with what's happened, and the aftermath of the Games… with everything that's gone on-"

"You don't understand-" Haymitch started, cutting me off, and then making himself look foolish by silencing himself almost a quickly. I raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged, I frowned and he smiled back. Our exchange went on for a few more minutes, no words spoken, until he bored of it, rose and found another bottle, searching for it underneath the table. I gagged involuntarily as he pulled it out of the mess - it had some kind of mould growing in the bottle, but he just looked at it, shrugged and poured himself a glass out. "Well," He grinned at my horrified face, "It's not killed me yet."

I swallowed and looked away, trying not to think of the different things that stuff could be.

"What don't I understand, Haymitch?" I had sat in silence, watching him drink for about half an hour. I assumed it would make him talk, make him easier to pry the information from, but he simply looked at me and frowned.

"Lots of things, Miss Everdeen." He said softly, biting his bottom lip, staring into the bottom of the bottle for a long minute.

"But… what about Peeta?" I pressed lightly, and in response, he simply raised his bottle and pulled a face.

"Good lad. Very responsive."

"Sorry?" That was not a good thing, I don't think.

"He's very affected by things." He said quickly, "The Games more than most." I watched him drink another long drink and fix me with a bleary-eyed gaze. "You know, Peeta's very much… he's not a good actor, Katniss."

So cryptic. So strange and so cryptic. I nodded at him and motioned for him to continue, wondering if he had actually meant something by the gesture with the bottle.

I wondered if using a little bit of a girly-whine would get him listening to me. I frowned slightly and he looked at me, concerned.

"He doesn't look very good at the moment, Haymitch… I'm just really worried about him." He nodded and shrugged. "I don't know what to do."

"Well, speaking from experience, it might be better to talk to him about this-"

"Why?" I leaned forward, trying to get him listening to me. "I mean-"

"Listen, it's his words to say, sweetheart - you don't know what's going in that pretty little head of his, Katniss, and-"

"I want to help him!" I heard the words leaping out of my mouth and yelped as I realised he was looking at me strangely. "Please, Haymitch." I dropped my voice. "I just want to help him."

He looked at me for a long time, and I wondered if he'd realised I'd been manipulating him. My heart jumped into my throat and I swallowed nervously, trying not to think of what might be going through his head.

"Katniss, do you know… what happened when I was chosen as a tribute?" Haymitch ran a chubby fingered hand through what remained of his hair. "Do you know what happened to me?"

I thought about it. Did I really know what happened? I mean, obviously, he had to kill twenty-three other people and survive to become the mess he had become today, but I never really knew what had happened in the arena to turn him into the alcohol-infused-Haymitch-mess that was sat before me.

I shook my head mutely, feeling stupid and uncomfortable. Peeta had spent a long time working with Haymitch, being quizzed alone, learning all his different tactics for the interview session, helping him out with his camouflaging and combat skills. I should have realised that Haymitch would have been a very influential figure for Peeta. Maybe knowing what had happened in the past would help me now.

"I was very much like Peeta, you know, sweetheart." I blinked twice, hating the nickname and trying not to get angry. "A bit naïve, didn't really think I would survive, especially because the girl I had been dragged out of District with was about four times my size, built like a Career and twice as arrogant." I nodded, "Peeta didn't think he'd have a chance. If you saw the way he reacted when his name was said…" I looked Haymitch in the eye, he looked sickly, all of a sudden, his usually rosy face gaining a sickly pallor as I watched. "Well, of course you didn't. Nobody did. Apart from me, and to be honest, I didn't think I wanted to see it."

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"He looked as though he'd already lost." And Haymitch said nothing more than that for a long minute. "But that's beside the point. I…" He looked me over again, "When we got to the Capitol, there was a girl there, she must have been three months younger than me, not even that. She was a District Eight girl." He didn't look at me, "A District Eight Tribute."

"And? That wasn't a-oh." The look on his face exploded into my mind as one I'd seen about ten hours before. This was the look that Peeta wore every time he looked at me. Somewhere between sadness and happiness, as though he had seen something in the window of a Capitol shop, he desperately wanted it, but couldn't afford to even touch it.

"There was a longer gap between the Reaping and the Arena back then, there were three, four months instead of just a few days. They let the Tributes get to know each other - personally, I thought it was ridiculous at the time, I didn't want to know the others, I'd be killing them and it would make it harder to do it if I got closer to them." He sighed and I kept my eyes on him, wondering where he was going with this story, and the girl from District Eight.

He rolled one shoulder slightly, picked up another bottle and swigged from it, looking almost comical as he pulled it away from his lips, realising the bottle was empty.

"But, they made us interact, and I met her. The D-Eight girl. She was beautiful. Funny, smart, and totally unconscious of the fact. She was nice, she was fantastic…" He swallowed again, "And I thought I loved her."

"How can you think… how can you not know?" I frowned slightly. I knew I loved my mother, my sister… "You know you love someone, don't you?" I raised an eyebrow and Haymitch looked at me incredulously.

"You don't always know." Haymitch looked at me, "For instance, you don't know you love him, just yet. You think you might, but you won't let yourself buy into the idea, just yet."

"Who?"

"Yup, totally blinded." Haymitch smirked and started stacking bottles up without another word. "Anywho. I thought I loved her, because she was everything I could want, smart, funny-" He was repeating himself and he knew it. "And I wanted her to survive over everything else, because she was smaller than the rest of us, and she was just…" He sighed and smiled brightly, looking off into the distance. "I wanted her to win, and I had resigned myself to the fact that for that to happen, I had to die."

He looked down at the carpet and let himself smile again.

"And you know what? I didn't try, for the first nine days, eighteen people died, and pretty soon, there were only three of us, a District Two Career, her, and me." I nodded and he looked like he wasn't going to carry on, but I had to know what happened. "She killed him. She killed him by breaking his neck in the middle of the night."

He shut his eyes and when he opened them, he refused to look at me.

"The Capitol weren't as nice as they are now. She pretended to be my friend, to… well, I suppose, she encouraged me somewhat, let me think I really was in love with her. I fell asleep under a tree." I nodded and he dropped his voice. "I woke up in the middle of the night. She was pressing a sword into my throat and all I remember is thinking I didn't want to die." Everyone knew how it ended.

We had all seen, in lessons, in the weeks before the Reaping, the best kills in the Hunger Games. Haymitch's last kill was his only kill in the Games, and it was the kill that we always saw first. She had a sword pressed at his throat, and nobody could work out how she had the strength to hold it up. He had just woken up, as a brunette, shaggy haired seventeen year old, and looked terrified. His hands were scrabbling around in the dirt, and he gasped as he caught his hand on the blade of a knife that looked surreally like the ones that Clove had become so adept at throwing.

He lifted the knife and flicked it toward her, she collapsed into the brush and he rose up, stunned, before taking three steps forward and yanking the knife from about six centimetres above her heart. I swallowed.

He loved her? He loved her, and he killed her?

"Y-you-" I breathed out and he looked at me, frowning slightly, "Really loved her?"

"I still don't know." He said softly, looking at the bottle, "But I know that when I saw her face, twisted in pain as she died… I wanted to die." I heard a groan and supposed that he had revealed so much, but from the expression on his face, I realised it had emanated from my mouth.

"Peeta." I breathed his name and looked up into Haymitch's eyes. He squinted back at me and pulled a face. I swallowed and looked back at him for as long as I could.

"He had the same look in his eyes the first day he came to talk to me." I looked at him, "His words were, and I quote, 'I don't want to kill her' and I finally worked out why when he asked about working on interviews alone. He didn't mean to, but he said… he asked whether your stylist would use your beauty. I said I didn't think so, because Glimmer would have had that down pat. There was no chance for you to use it." I looked at Haymitch, and his face broke into a grin. "He looked like I'd brought him a Christmas present early, said it was good that you'd be normal. At least that way, he could die knowing that he might have had a chance at your heart, instead of knowing every guy in every district could be willing you to win."

I looked at Haymitch, not exactly able to process the words he'd just said.

"Katniss?" I realised he was waving his hand in front of my face about thirty seconds after I'd zoned out. "Were you listening?"

"No." I said honestly, "Sorry, what?"

"I said, but that wasn't what Peeta was most interested in."

"Huh?" I was feeling a little dumbstruck.

"He was wondering how you coped with killing someone." I must have frowned because Haymitch was smiling lightly, "It was after the Games were over, and he'd killed the little girl, the one that the Careers had started on. He said he kept dreaming of her, her begging, even though when they sent him back, he only had to hold her coat over her face… he thought it was too harsh. He smothered her, you know."

I didn't. I'd never asked.

"I-he never said anything about it-"

"It's a very intimate thing, you know." He said softly, but with an air of someone explaining rain to a little child, "Nothing like shooting an Arrow or throwing knives into someone's chest. Its nothing like stabbing someone, either. You don't feel their last breath on your hand, and you don't close their eyes just before you walk away." I stared at the glassiness of Haymitch's eyes and wondered if he was alright. "There's a lot you don't understand about Peeta. He's very, very haunted by the things he did to survive in the Arena, and I think he-"

"He looks alright-" I started to argue, only half-willing to believe the things he was saying.

"Well, he's not." Haymitch said simply. "He's been having screaming nightmares for the past month, shouting about blue eyes and refusing to look into the mirror." He sighed, "I turned to alcohol to try and forget what I did. I lost the only girl I have ever really cared about, Katniss, and I don't know what you did to him on the train, sweetheart, but he's looking at those bottles over there longer and longer every time he comes to see me."

"What'm I supposed to do though-" I started, and he shrugged.

"How in the hell am I supposed to know? I just want him to be happy! I don't-" He stopped abruptly and looked out of his window. "Looks like you've got visitors, sweetheart." He nodded across the street to the… the mansion, I supposed, that we lived in.

I jumped to my feet and looked across to our door, half-squeaking as I realised it was Gale and Madge standing in the doorway. I looked back at Haymitch and made an apologetic face.

"Sorr-"

"Just make him feel like he's involved in this, would you? He's scared you're… he doesn't want to-" He sighed and shrugged. "Done what I can. Close the door on your way out, would you?" I nodded and rose to leave, confused, hurt, and a little bit worried.

-xx-

I ran across the road to hug the pair of them - I hadn't seen them properly since the Reaping, and I honestly assumed that they would be more pleased to see me than they were to see each other. Madge had her arms around him.

I stopped and tried to get a better view of them from the end of our driveway. He was leaning down, his forehead pressed against hers as he spoke, in low tones. She grinned at his words and his face lit up, brightening considerably as she reached for his hand and locked her fingers with his. He smiled at her again and the pair of them jolted as our front door opened and Peeta appeared, his hair a mess, plastered to his forehead and a new green button-up shirt half buttoned up his chest.

Madge handed him a bag, I assumed it was

I fought back a gasp as he ran a hand through his hair and it went all over the place, half spiked up, half still sticking to his skin. He must have been in the shower, because as he wiped his hand on his jeans, a water-stain appeared in the colouring. I grinned to myself and started to stride up the path.

"So, is Katniss around?" Gale asked, and Peeta grinned at him, pointing down the stoneway, straight at me.

I thought about what Haymitch said, as I lifted my eyes to look at Peeta. He caught my expression and frowned slightly, looking at me with concern. I looked at the brightness in the blue of his eyes, cleared by the day, made stronger by the colour of his shirt. He swallowed, and I watched the movement of his muscles as he smiled at me, blinked twice, then, as he reached for Madge's hand to lead her into the house as Gale stepped toward me, he winked lightly at her, laughing and I felt a rush of jealousy surge through me as she disappeared into the kitchen with him.

He didn't seem troubled. He looked perfectly fine to me, flirting with her, laughing with her.

"Catnip?" I blinked and refocused on Gale. He was standing in front of me, looking thoroughly concerned and a little bit… well, I wasn't sure, but as I stood there, a little longer, and didn't respond, he snapped his fingers in front of my face and touched my cheek, tried to get me to respond.

"Sorry, what?" I glanced at him and he looked at me, still frowning.

"Are you alright?" he grinned, "I haven't seen you in ages, and, well, there's so much to tell, you! Me and Madge… we had this huge argument the week after you left, and… we… we ended up going out on a date, and Catnip… I can't believe you… you won the Games, Katniss, even I couldn't do that-"

"You could." I nodded, and looked back at the house. "Well, I'm not… I suppose, anyway."

He wrapped his arms around me, and it didn't feel right. I felt a little sick as he touched me shoulder as he pulled away. He wasn't the same Gale I knew - he had clearly gotten lazy in his hunting, his arm muscles weren't as big as they were a month ago.

I looked at him and I felt… as though I didn't know him. He ended up going on a date with Madge of all people. Margaret Undersee and Gale Hawthorne. They fitted, I guess, but… after years of arguments and 'I hate you's, and open dislike for each other-

"Well, was it true?"

"True?" I stared at him, confused.

"Do you love him back, Katniss?" I blinked twice and shook my head to try and process his words. Gale took it the wrong way, "Oh, God, I've gotta go apologise to the guy-"

"Sorry? Gale, what're you talking about?"

"Peeta." He said simply, and for about the billionth time today, I was confused.

"What about him?"

Gale just looked at me for a long minute, then shook his head like the conversation was a lost cause and took my arm, leading me back into the house.

"And then, he just kissed me in the middle of this shouting match about whether you genuinely loved her! It was ridiculous!" Madge's giggles wrenched at my heart, because the sound was harmonised with Peeta's loud laugh, and I wanted to have caused his happiness, not her. Not the girl that had taken my Gale and changed him as well. Not that I was jealous or anything.

I looked over at Gale. He was still leaning on the doorframe, trying to take off his boots so he didn't muddy-up the rugs in the hallway. He shrugged and rolled his eyes as he tried once again to pull them off, and failed spectacularly, grunting loudly and swearing.

"Leave them on!" Peeta yelled out from the kitchen, "The Capitol can pay the washing bills." He was laughing as he appeared in the doorway, "We can hear you from in here."

I sucked in a breath and looked at the floor, then sighed and looked back up at him, he was grinning and still adjusting his shirt, feeling a little uncomfortable for a long minute, because I just couldn't take my eyes off him. He looked incredible in this light, and I couldn't help staring at him, the way his now-dry hair flicked around as he moved, the way the muscles in his hand tightened as he pulled lightly on the cuff of his sleeve. He swallowed a yawn and looked over at me.

"I've started dinner, Katniss." He said softly, "You coming in? There's Coffee and Tea too."

He smiled at me, and I wondered if I'd ever seen that look before. The way his lips curved up and his eyes crinkled lightly, the storminess of the blue in them clearing into ice-blue clarity, and I wondered genuinely how badly he was haunted.

I swallowed and stepped towards him, holding out my hand to him. He blinked twice and then took it, and I revelled in the electricity that slipped between us as our skin touched. Gale made a strange noise from the back of his throat and I grinned to myself.

I followed Peeta into the kitchen and held his hand as we sat down at the table. I considered it as I looked at him, holding my hand tightly as we sat, talking to the couple in front of us. I wanted to be here, I knew that, and I wanted to help him with everything that was going on in his head.

Perhaps… perhaps I could love him after all.

… -x-x- …

Who do you think you love? Why?

I'll update, if you review? How's that for a compromise?

Xxx

A/N:2 - to my anonymous reviewers:

Nairobi: Glad you're loving it, and yeah, thank you for your email!! Can't wait for the next one : ) ooh, is your hair nice?! Hope you're enjoying, and that this explains a lot?! Please let me know what you thought! xx

C.S.: I'm loving that you love Peeta's nervousness - I don't think I'd ever be able to tell the person I loved that I was having nightmares and couldn't look myself in the mirror, and yes, I think I'm a little bit terrified of Madge and Haymitch as well - he scares me when he's sober. He's full of interesting and fantastic ideas : ) Hope you're enjoying this!!! Please do let me know! Xxx

Jamika: Hihihi!! Sorry it's been 4 days - next update won't be until next Monday, sorry, I've got to work on it, and I'm going away for a couple of days… Hopefully now you know what's going on with Peeta, and it makes at least a little more sense, if not completely sensible : ) Hope you're enjoying this!!! Xx