Disclaimer: Naruto c. Kishimoto.
I.E. I own nothing and make no profit from this!
6.) Leave dirty socks strewn on the ground.
"Pain," Konan announced, "I am not happy with your organization." And with that weighty proclamation, she thrust the sock she was carrying into Pain's face
"My organization?" Pain asked, bemusedly. "Since when was it mine? I distinctly recall - wait, what are you...holding - gag, hack, cough!"
"It was your organization, and thus your," she poked him in the chest severely, "responsibility to keep your bitches," (Akatsuki members everywhere shuddered as one and felt a sense of annoyance), "in tow! And it was since I decided to blame you!" Konan declared angrily, straightening herself like a ramrod.
"More likely you're just afraid of blaming Tobi…" Pain coughed. "Anyway, whose sock is that anyway?"
"It's Hidan's, for your information - and DID I DETECT AN INSULT?"
"…not necessarily…"
Deidara stuck his very blonde, very beautiful, and, at the moment, very unwanted head into the office and yelled with a certain degree of satisfaction and glee, "OH SNAP, SOMEONE'S 'BOUT TO GET A KONAN BEATDOWN!"
…Twenty minutes later…
Pain wheeled himself down the hallway to the kitchen, in terrible and desperate need of pie (chocolate, to be specific) to appease the raging beast in his office that used to be known as his childhood best friend — and of a spatula to scrape what was left of Deidara off the office floor, as oozing organs and brittle bones didn't make for very fine décor, not to mention that the stench would become unbearable in a few days.
Besides, the rotting flesh of an organization member didn't really add to the effectiveness of the Akatsuki and made for bad moral all around.
Once in the kitchen, he confronted Hidan, who was standing at the coffee machine, discoursing loudly about the joys of Jashinism and coffee with blood extracts to Itachi (who, truth must be told, looked rather intrigued), with a menacing glare from his one un-blackened eye. "You." He growled, "You have no idea how much I loathe you right now. Why the crap did you leave your repulsive, dirty socks," here he paused for effect (Tobi gasped theatrically to add to the moment), "out on the floor — where others," ("Konan," Itachi muttered sagely.) "can smell them?" Pain continued.
Normally, a man in a wheelchair (thus several feet shorter than you were) would not be anything to fear — but this was no ordinary man. This was Pain: God Incarnate, Leader of Amegakure, Wielder of the Legendary Rinnegan and now the Most Furious Man on Earth.
But did this affect Hidan? Oh no.
No, no, no. No.
Hidan snorted, "Like fuck, old man. I don't have to fucking explain myself to you - especially," he added with a sneer, "when you're about three fucking feet tall."
Itachi, filling in for Deidara at this moment, muttered "Oh snapple..."
Later, all would say that Leader-sama's "Spartan Wheelchair Attack" was the stuff of legend: with Hidan's dismembered head ending up in the fridge (to the great horror of Kakuzu when he found it on top of his frozen dollar bills, who was prepared for all eventualities, including those of apocalyptic caliber), and his testicles in the toilet bowl. His various other organs were scattered far and wide, but the most notable were those found in the Headquarters.
When Konan's bloodlust was eventually sated (and Deidara put back together), Hidan swore a solemn oath to never, ever leave socks (esp. dirty ones, according to Claus Three of the Verbal Contract of Sock Ownership As Pertaining to Hidan) out ever again ("Well, at least not where she can fucking see them." Hidan griped, wincing tenderly and dribbling blood from one corner of his mouth. "My fucking spleen will never be the same...Damnit, now I can't feel my fucking pancreas!").
Epilogue:
"Hey Sakura-chan," Naruto called, brow furrowed.
"What, Naruto?" The medic sighed, looking up from her desk in the Hokage's Office.
"What's this?" Naruto held up a fleshy organ, frowning bemusedly. Sakura stifled a shriek and said in an admirably steady voice, "Naruto, I think that's a pancreas, but I'm not getting any closer to it. Now please throw it away."
"Ew, sure thing..." he quickly threw it out the window with a deft flick of his wrist.
"Anything else, Naruto? Any more body parts you want me to identify?" Sakura regretted saying it almost the instant the words left her mouth, as Naruto donned a familiar shit-eating grin and drawled, "Weeelll..."
The medic groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Just go..."
The blonde numbskull grinned, "Okay, Sakura-chan!"
Sakura went back to work with a shake of her head, and then was struck by an alarming thought, blanched, and yelled to his retreating back, "Hey, Naruto, how'd you get that past security?"
Back At Headquarters:
"Oh sweet Jashin, I have a bad feeling about my pancreas!" Hidan groaned sometime in the middle of the Akatsuki Bi-weekly Scrabble Night.
"Oh, quit your bitching."
Been a long time, ja? Well, I'm not giving up yet! Dattebayo!
I want to thank you all for the reviews and watches etc. It really means a lot to me! Not to mention putting up with all the sporadic updates, and the commas and the parentheses!
About this chapter: Yes, it has deviated from the example I provided in the intro, but I think this is better...hopefully. Still, I hope to use more chainsaws in the future!
And hey, we gotta a revamped title!
