Heaven, Zadkiel's Bistro

The restaurant was bustling with people. Business was booming for the staff as waiters darted from table to table receiving orders. The long queue outside the Bistro was usually a sign that the owner was in.

This Bistro has been opened for several centuries and is run by Zadkiel; the archangel of freedom, benevolence, mercy and part of the ten archangels along with Michael and Gabriel.

"I-191959, get the holy away from my kitchen." Zadkiel referred to our protagonist as the codename he was given during the Great War.

The codename I-191959 holds a very important significance as it marked the sign of the birth of the Seven Sins and the death of the biblical God. As for how the Sins were born… Let's just say the 'feast' ended up physically and mentally splitting the existence of Lucifer into seven completely different and sentient beings.

Till this day, even after the blood of the devils has been diluted over the course of millennia will still react to subject I-191959's 'food' through the body by forcefully ejecting all contents from their digestive system either through their oral cavity or their rectum.

As for the angels and holy beings, they just lose their sanity or holy powers and turn into ash. Which, compared to the devils, is a blessing. Use of Subject I-191959's 'cooking' has been banned by the Human Council of Magic, United Mythical Front and even Olympus as a lethal biological weapon capable of killing even immortals.

It is just that bad. You don't even get to enjoy your last meal and pass away peacefully. No. All you can do is choke on the stench that even death itself repulses at. The feeling of pure, putrid blocks of despair going down your throat and into your stomach

You are not allowed to even force your body to vomit it back out. The 'food' gains a life of its own and continues its journey down your gullet. It transcends the fabric of reality with the intention of getting its target to consume it. The sensation your heart being gripped and dragged into an endless abyss. Fear becomes the only emotion you are capable of feeling.

The pain becomes unbearable, nobody can save you from this torture. No matter how hard you try to scream, nothing comes out. Your body begins to fail in its functions and you feel your hold on this world start to fade away.

Even If you did manage to survive, you will feel nothingness, emptiness and lack of desire to continue living. To witness such cruelty… Even the most vile, atrocious and wicked cannot fathom to ever wish upon someone. Not even their enemies.

"Anyway, the direction of the door back into the restaurant is there. Help yourself out and never come back." Pushing Issei on his back, Zadkiel happily directed him to the nearest exit in hopes that he would leave. Preferably until the end of time.

"C'mon Zad, the place is full and I'm just going to make myself a sandwich…" Issei whined, not wanting to join the long queue and pay for his food.

"The only time I'll ever let you cook is when Gabriel actually starts working on her job." While Zadkiel was talking, Issei managed to sneak past him and got himself two slices of bread.

"Does anyone know where the lettuce is?" One of the female angels working in the kitchen began to hyperventilate while the rest could only stare in horror at the scene unfolding before them.

"Someone stop him!" Zadkiel and his staff dolphin-dived across the counter. One of them threw a plate aimed towards Issei's hands before he could put the lettuce on the bread. Another angel picked up a pan in the middle of cooking seafood and skilfully threw the contents into the air, landing perfectly on multiple empty plates lined behind her.

Arming the heated pan in her hands, she twisted her body to gain momentum with the intent to smash Issei's head in. Zadkiel broke the glass on the wall holding the emergency lever that had 'In the case of idiots cooking, pull lever.' labelled on its sides in over twenty different languages.

All this happened in the span of ten seconds. Everything played out in slow motion. With Issei's hand just moments away from placing the lettuce, the thrown plate only inches from his fingers, the pan just a hair's breadth from his head and the lever pulled down halfway.

"I forgot the tomatoes!" Issei placed the lettuce on the counter and walked away, ignoring time-space as everyone was still stuck in slow motion. The female angel with the pan could only watch in terror as her head was headed towards the thrown plate in all its bullet-time glory.

Upon impact with the disc-like projectile, the female angel was sent flying in the direction of the plate and landed square in the trash chute, her hips unable to go further in, causing her butt to be pointed towards the ceiling…

"Needs mayonnaise, tuna and…" Issei was muttering the list of ingredients to himself while cutting the tomatoes into slices. He heated the tomato slices on a pan and tossed it in the direction the bread slice.

The angel that threw the plate did multiple cartwheels and used his body to block the tomatoes from making physical interaction with the bread. Upon contact with the thrown fruit projectiles, the body of that angel then disintegrated into ashes.

The pan that once held the tomatoes spontaneously combusted into metal oxide and burnt Teflon. The tuna that Issei was about to prepare suddenly came back to life and set itself on fire while those eggs that were supposed to be used in the making of the mayonnaise hatched into chicks that threw themselves off the counter and escaped through the floor ducts.

When the lever was fully pulled down, an emergency broadcast was sent to the entirety of the magical world. "Alert, subject I-191959 has begun the preparation of food products. This is not a drill, I repeat. Alert, subject I-191959…"

[Ddraig boot-up initialized.] Praise the glorious sun, our mascot is back! "Ddraig you have returned. I can finally get you to pay me back for all the brain cells you destroyed."

[Conveniently enough, I seemed to have forgotten everything after the part where we went into the female restroom. So what did I miss?]

"I'm making a sandwich at the moment." Ddraig immediately entered safety mode. The gauntlet expanded into a giant paw capable of lifting objects without physically touching them.

"Ddraig! Emergency formation F-U" Zadkiel shouted from across the room. Ddraig activated the scale mail on Issei's feet, causing him to lose balance and fall towards the floor.

[Zadkiel! Emergency formation C-K ready!] Ddraig switched to speaker mode, Zadkiel did not hesitate to seize this opportunity. Using the opening created by Ddraig, Zadkiel unfurled his wings and went into hyperdrive.

Hyperdrive was the special ability of Archangels to move instantaneously. In the time it took for Issei to blink once, Zadkiel or any of the other Archangels could have travelled to Pluto and back. Before Issei could even fathom what had happened, he soon found himself sitting in an unfamiliar location.

Blinking, Issei could see penguins waddling everywhere. There was literally a sea of penguins. The only sign of human habitation was the red and green coloured mansion located in the distance just beyond the mountains.

"Argh. I'm sooo hungry right now. These penguins look good enough to eat." The penguins suddenly had a heated discussion on how to avoid getting eaten.

"Dude! The human's looking at us like we're food!" The first penguin was panicking and about to get a heart attack.

The second penguin suddenly had an epiphany."Shh… act cute and he'll probably stop like all those double standard humans."

"Double standard humans? What're those?" The second penguin answered after taking a few glances at the human. "You know… Those humans who say you can't eat kittens because they're all cute and shit while ugly animals are fine." The first penguin then made an 'ohhh' sound and clapped his fins together.

Ddraig chose this time to practice his whistling before an important plot point slammed into his face in the form of a banana. [I suddenly remembered we had to get more apples. Phew. I almost forgot about my own agendas.]

Issei clicked his tongue, seemingly forgetting about his impending starvation. "Dammit! I was hoping we would get far enough in the chapters that you would forget about them…"

[It is finally time use my catchphrase again!] Ddraig rubbed his hands together and cackled with laughter while Issei rubbed his temples to ease the oncoming headache. Ddraig then took out his trademarked sunglasses and put them on. [Deal with it.]

"Looks like I'm banned from entering heaven for a while… I think I'll make a call to Ravel and see if the Underworld has any good places for a holiday." Taking out his cell, Issei noticed that the reception in this frozen wasteland of penguins seemed to be really good. Amazing even.

While Issei was scrolling through his contacts, Ddraig decided to check Ravel's bio for fun. [Why is Ravel's character bio page splattered in blood and her personality page scribbled all over with 'Issei'? I can only read her name…] Very ominous indeed.

"But Ravel is nice and friendly. I don't think anything can go wrong with such a nice girl." Somehow, Ddraig could tell that he was going straight into the danger zone. No one alive can stop the rape train now…


Underworld (Gremory Study)

Within the depths of the Underworld the current leaders were warned of the impending doom looming from heaven. Even though the culprit has been disposed of, there was not enough time to stop all the alerts from being sent.

From within the Gremory estate, Sirzechs Lucifer, one of the Seven Sins is currently struggling to keep his composure.

"Master Sirzechs, about the alert from Heaven…" The maid tried as hard as possible to keep her balance. Her hands were cupped over her lips as she attempted to stop the nausea from taking over her body.

The maids in the mansion had to work overtime today due to the sudden absence of Sirzechs's wife, Grayfia. She was apparently said to have been abducted by Serafall Leviathan for the shooting of her TV programme 'Magical Miracle Levia-chan HeartMAX'.

"Could we do this later?" Sirzechs croaked out. His throat sore from the constant expulsion of food. The maid could only nod silently as she ran out of the room towards the nearest available toilet to unload the contents of her stomach.

Sirzechs felt another wave of contents about to elute through his gullet. "Fuck… I-19…" He could not finish his sentence as his body broke down from sheer repulsion of the name alone.

"No. I must…" Through willpower, Sirzechs forced his body to endure. Then the second bomb dropped. "Argh! My stomach!" Rushing out of his office only to find out every male restroom was currently occupied.

"I'll throw it all away! These morals!" Sirzechs darted straight into the female restroom ignoring the screams of the female staff and launched himself at the last available stall.

It was on this day that Sirzechs became the enemy of all women living in the mansion.


Kuoh Academy

The Occult Research Club is currently facing their biggest predicament. Everyone was currently affected by what was dubbed as the I-incident. A warning was immediately issued to all district leaders.

The leaders of the Kuoh district were Rias Gremory and Sona Sitri. Both of them are heiresses to two of the seven most powerful families in the Underworld. Their elder siblings are both part of the decedents of the Seven Sins.

The room was filled with the scent of sweaty high school girls in heat. There is nothing sexual about the previous description, I swear. I mean they are suffering from nausea and fever after all…

Ahem. Back to the important story, currently in the clubroom, Kiba was darting around from couch to couch trying to remedy the situation with Rias and Akeno.

"Kiba… I feel sick." Rias was lying on the couch with her arm resting over her eyes. She left her school uniform unbuttoned, her breasts and their perky pink nipples in full view. Her dishevelled red hair was all splayed all over her back.

"Kiba-kun… I need more water." Akeno's uniform left little to the imagination. Her black lace bra was showing through her sweat drenched uniform. She took her skirt off and threw it to the side, revealing the black thong hidden underneath. The skirt flew across the room, landing on Koneko's head.

"Kiba… I'll handle this." Koneko seemed to be the only one unaffected by the wave of nausea in the ORC room. She popped open Rias's cosplay cupboard and took out a white nurse uniform complete with white satin gloves, stocking & garter belt combo as well as a nurse cap.

Gasper at this moment was currently using his box as a makeshift barf bag after watching Koneko doing a twirl after putting on her 'gear'.

"I'll leave it to you." Kiba collapsed on the carpeted floor from sheer exhaustion, his breathing was erratic and his face was covered in sweat. The last thing he saw before he passed out was Koneko giving him a thumbs up while holding a giant syringe. "I'll nurse you all back to full health nyan!"

"We're… fucked" Kiba managed to, with a raspy voice, mutter out his dying message. Rest in pepperonis. And now, a moment of silence for our hero…

After everyone was wiped with a damp towel, fed and quenched, Koneko proceeded to move all the members of the ORC into the built-in bedroom that was recently installed by Rias.

After shutting the door behind her, Koneko fell onto her knees. She had tried to endure the effects for too long. Koneko wanted everyone to be able to rest without worries however, she also had another reason for enduring for this long…

"Hello? Is the one known as Redhairbabe18_9_1_19 in at the moment?" Koneko opened the ORC's door and greeted the deliveryman. "That would be me."

Taking out the packaged magazine, the deliveryman asked Koneko to sign the relevant documents and gave her a stamp for her purchase. When the deliveryman left, Koneko held the magazine tightly towards a chest like a treasure. Now we know who really ordered that Rias x Akeno ero-mag.

Koneko walked in skips towards her room in the ORC. She lifted a hidden compartment she had dug up while everyone was not here. Within the compartment held magazines depicting Rias and Akeno in various poses while dressed skimpily.

Luckily the other members are preoccupied or they would have been scarred by Koneko's perverse smile at this very moment. The only thing the ORC members would remember when they woke up were the sounds of female giggles that made them shiver in fear.


Deserted Island (Unknown Location)

A group of five people were currently huddling around a campfire in the middle of a forest. Resting on the flames was a pot hanging from two poles containing some sort of porridge mixed with tree branches and grass.

A petite blonde haired girl was addressing a man dressed in an old style Japanese male uniform. She gritted her teeth as she spoke. "Cao Cao you cunt ass motherfucker! You spent all our money on useless shit again!" Her shrill voice echoed in the forest.

"Nya! Jeanne's really tearing Cao a new one." The voluptuous Nekomata in the black kimono started jumping around in excitement, her breasts bouncing and spilling out from the gaps above her golden obi. The vines hanging from the branches above served its purpose of making the scene look like it was ripped straight out of a tentacle porn video.

"H-hey Jean. Don't be too harsh on Cao." The small young boy tried to stop the blonde from ripping Cao Cao's eyes out of his sockets.

"Shut the fuck up Leonardo." Jeanne was not amused. Not one bit. "Or do you want me to take away your Oscar again?" The wielder of Annihilation Maker backed off at her threat, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Hey Jeanne, that's a little harsh don't you think?" The tall muscular man stepped between Leonardo and Jeanne. His body hiding the little boy from the blonde's piercing eyes.

"This fuckboy spent our money." She hissed out. "Do you know what this asshat spent it on?" Heracles could only shake his head in confusion while Jeanne continued with her rant.

"This analfart bought a stick. A FUCKING STICK. For TWENTY-ONE MILLION DOLLARS." You could feel the caps radiating from her sentence. Anger was not a word that could encapsulate the entirety of her emotions towards Cao Cao.

Cao Cao then chose this time to try and explain what the stick did. However, the darkness of the forest was soon illuminated by the presence of Serafall Leviathan in all her magical girl glory.

"In the name of miracles, I will tear your hymens apart!" Twirling the pink wand in her hands, Serafall made a V symbol with her free hand and held it over her closed eye. Leaning her body forward, her cleavage in full view, she made her declaration. "Magical Girl Miracle Levia has arrived!"

The quintet huddling around the campfire went silent. "How the hell did she find us!?" Heracles whimpered in fear as he cupped his anus in fear of Serafall's 'finishing move'.

Cao Cao being the idiot he was, took it as a sign of a challenge. "Hmph! We have obtained new powers to go against your reign of terror Levia!" Puffing his chest out in pride, Cao Cao pressed the rainbow coloured gem on the hilt of the stick.

"Let's do it!" Cao Cao was engulfed in crimson flame. The fires soon wrapped around his entire body, forming a red coloured suit complete with Chinese dragon motifs. "Helmet set!" A motorcycle helmet with a translucent dragon design on its front appeared above Cao Cao's head.

"Defender of justice! Hero Red!" Cao Cao made a cross with both arms, his palms facing towards his shoulders.

"What the fishcakes." Jeanne ran out of fucks to give while both Leonardo and Heracles were literally sparkling in their eyes at the transformation.

"Nya! Henshin!" Jumping into the air, Kuroka caught the stick thrown by Cao Cao and pushed down on the button. Her kimono disintegrated into particles of light that revolved around her body, conveniently censoring her chest and nether regions. The lights gathered around Kuroka's hand as they formed her outfit.

On her right hand a giant metal claw was attached while in her left hand was a kendama. Her black coloured suit tightened around her buxom figure, accentuating her curves and 'assets'. The kimono and obi motif was kept even after transformation.

"Face on!" She snapped her right hand and a helmet materialized on her index finger. The helmet had the design of a cat whose tail was bent in the shape of a heart. "Incest is wincest! Nyan Black!" She held both hands in a fist and made a cat pose.

Leonardo and Heracles followed suit in their transformation, turning into Hero Yellow and Green respectively. The stick was finally passed to Jeanne who decided she wasn't going to do this shit. Staring at the stick in her hands, Jeanne tossed it into the pot on the campfire.

"Muahahaha! Your ally has left your side Red. You will never defeat me!" Serafall taunted the fallen heroes that were defeated in the five seconds it took for Jeanne to toss the stick. Cao Cao was impaled into the earth courtesy of Serafall's 'Miracle Pile driver' headfirst while Leonardo and Kuroka were both stuck inside a tree trunk from the sonic boom caused from the impact.

Heracles tried to land a punch on Serafall but was immediately intercepted by her wand. His fist was knocked upwards causing him to lose balance. Serafall followed up with three instantaneous jabs from the tip of her wand.

The instant the last hit connected, Heracles was sent flying through several trees and into the precipitous wall of rocks in the distance. His body was embed several meters into the stone before countless cracks propagated from the impact zone which led to the eventual collapse of the entire rock formation.

Dust was sent flying across the entire island, emulating a sandstorm. "We'll never give up!" Cao Cao shouted. The rest of the heroes excluding Jeanne gathered by his side. Heracles managed to somehow come out of that completely unscathed.

Letting out a chuckle, Serafall laughed at their futile attempts to stop her reign. "You don't stand a chance Bakarangers! Even if that washboard joins you now it will be useless!"

The clouds of dust suddenly erupted into the sky due to the aura of anger emitted by Jeanne. Everyone's vision was returned but they were greeted with the sight of the world's most dangerous catfight.

"Who the fuck do you think you are saggy tits?" Jeanne stood up and activated her Sacred Gear. Chains linked with holy light and embedded with countless crosses on their surfaces emerged from the ground beneath her feet and began to undulate around her like living tentacles.

Jeanne's right eye glowed a bright crimson as her pupils formed a crosshair-like symbol. The chains wrapped around her body and coalesced into one with her skin, forming a suit of armour. A gold cross emerged from the breastplate as well as on the back of the gauntlets.

A tiara emerged on the top of her head and a massive lance fell from the sky, splitting the clouds and embedding itself into the ground. Grasping the handle, Jeanne lifted the lance into the air. The length and girth of the lance was enough to rival the size of a private jet and Jeanne could lift such an object with ease.

Serafall was now sweating bullets, the amount of holy element radiating from Jeanne's armour and lance were enough to instantly vaporize mid-class devils without resistance. "Hahaha! I-I'll let you guys go this t-time!" Serafall attempted to open a gateway back into the Underworld only to find out that all the portals were closed.

The reason was due to the I-incident, all entrance and exits to the Underworld are undergoing an emergency lockdown to prevent enemies from taking advantage of their moment of weakness to plan an invasion.

"Once I'm done with you…" She turned her head in the direction the other four were in and ran her thumb across her throat. "I'm coming after you Cao. I'm going to fucking tear you a new hole to shit from." Kuroka suddenly pinched her nose to block the smell of urine coming from beside her.

A silhouette of a figure in an extremely frilly dress could be seen falling from the sky, the moon acting as the backdrop. "Miracle Maid Max, Grayfia-tan is here!" Grayfia broke the laws of physics and pulled a giant paper fan (harisen) from under her skirt.

She lifted the fan above her head and slammed it down… on Serafall!


And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].

Uploaded on: 29/12/2015
Last edited on: 6/1/2016