Chapter Seven .. Bella
Will You Tell Him I Love Him?
"Mommy?" Emma caught my attention from the backseat. I quickly peered into the rear view mirror, letting her know I was paying attention. "Why did you yell at daddy?"
I felt my heart sink. I had promised myself that no matter what, Emma wouldn't see that part of our problems. I never wanted her to see us fighting. But she had. I hadn't been able to control my temper and my daughter heard me yelling at her daddy.
I didn't know what to say to her. I couldn't lie to her, she was too smart for that. I couldn't tell her the truth, that would be too much for her. But what was the truth?
I just gave her a weak smile. "I didn't mean to yell at daddy." And I hadn't.
She stared at me through the mirror. I felt the strength of her gaze on my face. She simply shrugged it off and turned to look back out the window. I felt a bit of a weight lift from my shoulders. But it was right back again. She had let it go without further explanation, but I knew she was smarter than that. She knew more than I could ever imagine. She was observant, and brilliant. She was eager to learn and watch. She saw everything, even if I didn't want her to. That's what made her so amazing.
That's what made her so heartbreakingly amazing.
But it's also what made her my weakness. I couldn't bear to let her see the bad things in life, but no matter how hard I tried she still saw them. She wormed her way around my defense and saw exactly what I didn't want her seeing. What was she going to think about me now? Would she think I was an awful mother for yelling at her daddy? Would she hate me? Would she assume the worst about her parents marriage? Was she old enough to know we were falling apart?
I pulled into the driveway just after dark completely filled the sky. Emma was still staring out the back window when I opened her door to let her out. She silently lifted her arms up at me, allowing me to take her from the seat and into the house.
I shut and locked the door behind us, making sure the living room curtains were closed securely before taking her upstairs to bathe and change her clothes.
I allowed her to pick out her own pajamas, insisting though that she pick something warm. She obliged and ran off ahead of me into the bathroom across the hall. She threw her stuff into the counter as I started the water.
"I need these," she quietly whispered to herself as she pulled her basket of bath toy out from under the sink. "And these," as she grabbed the soap and shampoo from the other corner. She stood up, surveying her things before turning to the tub. She tossed everything in, all except the shampoo, then turned to smile at me. "All ready." She gleamed.
I smiled back at her, overjoyed with her happiness of the little things. All she wanted right now were her bath toys and water.
She quickly undressed herself as I plugged the tub, letting the water fill up rather quickly. She hoped in slowly, testing the water with her little toes before allowing herself to sink in comfortably. Once she was satisfied and happy with the amount of water in the tub, she signaled to me to stop the flow of water.
I leaned down next to the tub and took a seat with my back to the wall. I watched her carefully as she splashed around in the water, throwing her toys around. She payed special attention to the small group of duckling's her aunt Alice bought her just a few months ago. They were her favorite, mainly because they sparked knowledge. They were brightly colored and numbered in size. She took special notice of things that taught her something.
I handed her a wash cloth from the back of the sink, letting her lather it herself to wash off. She had to scrub the dirt off of her feet from the zoo today. The lines from her little white sandals giving her the most trouble. Once she seemed please that she was squeaky clean, she handed the rag back to me and I tossed it into the sink.
Emma continued to splash around for a bit longer before I suggested that she wash her hair before the water gets too cold. She nodded and politely pushed her toys away, grabbing the soap from me and putting some in her hand. I watched carefully as she lathered it up and smoothed it over her head, saturating her long bronze curls. She hated that her hair was too long for her to clean herself and I would always wind up stepping in to help. But she refused to cut it. Edward loved it just the way it was and had encouraged her long ago to just let it grow. In fact, we hadn't cut it drastically since her first birthday when we took her for her first haircut. She didn't much enjoy it, much to the dismay of her aunt Alice. Since then, trips to the salon are very rare. She'll only allow it to cut it enough to rid the dead ends.
"Mommy, I done." She spoke, regaining my attention. "You rinse?"
I nodded and grabbed the little yellow cup from beside the soap dish. I filled it and carefully dumped it over her tilted head quite a few times, until I was sure all of the shampoo was out of her hair.
I got up to grab a towel, making sure to keep a close watch on her as I stepped over towards the closet. Emma was very careful, always aware of right and wrong, but I hardly ever took chances.
Once she saw the towel, she reached up and pulled the drain from the hole, letting the water swirl down the drain. She gathered her toys, rinsing them off before putting them back into her basket. Then she set it in the bottom of the empty tub to finish draining and drying.
"Brrr," she shivered, smiling up at me. I quickly wrapped the towel around her, rubbing her arms to create friction. She giggled and huddled inside the towel, grabbing it in her own hands and holding it closed.
She looked up at me for a second and then bolted out of the bathroom, running into the hallway. I quickly chased after her, snatching her up just before she made it to her door. "And where do you think you're going little girl? You're soaking wet."
She giggled as I tossed her up into my arms, holding her tightly. "Mommy, you gotted me!"
"Of course I gotted you, baby girl." I reassured her, holding her against me as I wiped the excess water away from her arms and legs. I set her down and finished ridding her of bath water. Then I walked her back into the bathroom where she had abandoned her jammies. "You need these, silly girl." I pointed out as I grabbed her outfit off of the counter. She smiled and let go of the towel, proceeding to dress herself. I helped her towel dry her hair, then I brushed through it for her. She always complained about how much it hurt, but she never whined too much.
Once that was done I walked her back to her room and helped her turn down her bed. She ran over to the small nightstand we had for her in the corner and shuffled through her cd's. They were mainly ones that Edward had made her during his free time at work. She loved listening to him play, and it sufficed her when he wasn't home.
I watched as she carefully set the cd inside the player and shut it, pressing a couple buttons before the soft music filled the room. She bounded back to her bed and hoped in, shoving her feel under the covers.
I smoothed her hair back from her face, helping her get comfortable in her bed. She relaxed quickly and eventually was too tired to fight it anymore. I stood up to leave the room, shutting off the overhead light and turning on her dim baby lamp. Before I could leave the room though, she called my name.
"Yes, baby?" I asked as I leaned against the door.
She didn't sit up, just opened her eyes barely enough to see out of. "Today was fun."
I smiled. "Yes, it was. I'm very glad you enjoyed yourself. We'll have to do it again sometime."
She nodded. "With daddy?"
I swallowed hard. "Yes." I chocked out. "Of course."
She nodded as she snuggled her head into her pillow. "Will you tell him I love him?"
I nodded slowly. "Yes." Then I felt the tears attack my eyes. "Yes, I will."
She usually did this. On the nights Edward wouldn't be home when she fell asleep, she would ask me to tell Edward that she loved him, and goodnight. Tonight was no different, but it seemed to hurt a bit worse.
"I love you too, mommy." She whispered. "Bunches."
"I love you too, Emma." I whispered back. "Bunches." Then I shut the door.
I paused in the hallway for a moment, leaning back against the wall beside her door. Silence surrounded me, attacking me from every angle. My heart was pounding and my eyes were watering. My knees were shaking, and I felt my throat close up. I tried my best not to sob too loudly, because I knew Emma would hear it.
I regained my composure long enough to make it to my room. Our room. I closed the door behind me and walked slowly towards the bed. Once I was safely there, I plopped down, feeling even more emotions overtake my body. I felt like crying at the same time I felt like shouting. I was angry, but sad and confused. I was tired, but nearly determined enough to drive back to Emmett and Rosalies and beg him to come home and tell his daughter that he loved her. It was the least he could do. But then I had to remember that I'm the one that picked her up and left with her.
Instead, I changed out of my clothes, took a quick shower to calm myself down and settled into bed. I flipped on the television, more for sound and company than entertainment. After I was calm and collected enough, I reached for my cell phone.
"Hello Bells." He whispered into the receiver. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I assured him. "I just wanted to tell you that, well, Emma wanted me to tell you that she loves you."
"Is she still awake?"
"No," I sighed quietly. "She's been bathed and put to bed. She's so tired."
I heard him sigh as well. "Well, when she wakes up tell her that I love her. Please."
"I will." I assured him. And then I froze. I knew I should probably apologize for earlier, but I couldn't find the air in my lungs.
"I love you too." He whispered.
"I know." I said back, barely audible. "I love you, Edward."
"Listen, Bella." He began. "About earlier, I'm sorry about what I said. I'm sorry that I questioned you. I know that you love me and I know that you would fight me. I guess I just... I don't know. I guess I just had to hear it."
I nodded to myself. "I know."
"I'm willing to work this out, Bella, because I need you. Not just because I love you."
I understood that. I needed him too.
"But I just don't know where to go from here." He sounded completely defeated. "I'm lost."
I felt the tears welling up again. And suddenly I remembered his words from earlier. I wasn't helping at all. "Me too, Edward." I spoke quickly, letting him know that I was here, that I was here to help as much as he was. "I'm so confused. All I know is that I want you. I want you more than anything, and I'm so confused as to how all of this happened. I can't imagine how we got here."
"I want so bad to say that everything will be alright."
"Me too."
"But that's not how it is. That's not life, Bella." His words affirmed what I dreaded. It wasn't going to be easy. "It's not something one day will work out."
"I know." I began. "But I also know that it's all worth fighting for. Everything. You and me. Emma. Our family. It's all worth it."
I heard him sign contently. "It is."
"Then we do what we can?" I asked carefully, scared of how things could go if we weren't careful.
"Yes," he whispered. And then he took a deep breath. "I love you, Bella. And I'll talk to you tomorrow."
I nodded, telling him I loved him back.
As I cuddled into the pillows on our bed, I felt the tears run over my nose. I reached up to wipe them away, accidently scratching myself with my engagement ring. I rubbed it softly before lifting my hand to peer at the ring in front of my face. Memories flashed through my mind. The day we had our first real kiss, the day he told me he loved me and I knew he meant it more than he ever had. The day he proposed and the fight in the rain that led to the most passionate night of my life. The day we decided to get married. The night we snuck out of the house and drove for hours. Our first night as husband and wife. Our first year in college. The day we found out about Emma. The day she was born, and the day we were together again as a real family. Everything. Every small detail flooded my mind like an endless river that never stopped, never slowed down.
My mind was in shambles, trying so hard to piece everything back together at the same time it was trying to find out how it fell apart in the first place. I was scared that everything I just remembered would some how only ever be memories. I was scared that nothing would be real ever again. I was scared that somehow, somewhere, I'd lost everything.
Was it possible to fix everything? Was it possible for Edward and I to somehow figure this out long enough to be happy again? And if we did fix things, how long would it stay intact?
I had to find out the answers to these questions. Not for myself. Not for Edward.
But for Emma.
