CHAPTER SEVEN
PREVIOUSLY ON BREAKING KRISTOFF: "Hello, Kristoff, Olaf," Elsa greeted courteously. "I'd like to introduce you to someone."
Olaf jumped out of the sled in joy. "Macklemore!"
The tall man looked at the two of them, a fiery passion in his eyes…. This man was the chosen one…. the one who would save the gays once and for all.
Kristoff walked to the room he shared with Anna, and found her waiting there. "Kristoff! You're back!" She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly….
"Anna…. there's….. there's something I need to tell you…." said Kristoff
"I-I… I'm… I have… I…. I'm making.. I…" he stammered, beads of sweat forming on his brow
"Kristoff, I know," Anna said, touching his cheek. "I saw you and Olaf on the mountain. I know you're a memer."
Kristoff burst into tears. "FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" he said at the top of his lungs.
"We can cure you…. Don't worry…" Said Anna.
"WELL WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO BE CURED. HUH?" said "What if… WHAT IF THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM?" Kristoffs eyes turned red.
"I AM DISAPPOINT ANNA. MY NAME MAY BE KRISTOFF, BUT NOW…. I AM PISSED OFF!" Said Kristoff angrily and he stormed out of the room.
Anna burst into tears…. she knew that her relationship with Kristoff was ON THIN ICE! After all, ever since she realized that she could draw in the third grade, her life had never been the same. No wonder Elsa called Macklemore in to Aarondelle.
A snowy head peaked through the door. "Anna?"
Anna smiled a little. "Olaf!"
"Hey babe. What's cookin good lookin" Olaf said while leaning seductively against the wall, a smug smile on his face. Little did Anna know that Olaf was questioning his sexuality, and trying to prove to himself that he was straight.
"Oh, Olaf," Anna whispered, cradling the snowman's head in her arms. "My man left me….. maybe… I'm not really sure but I think he left me"
"Hey babe I'm looking for treasure can I look in your chest?" said Olaf raising an eyebrow. But no matter how he thought about Anna's chest, his water wouldn't freeze into an icicle.
He scrunched his eyes tight and thought about Macklemore. Ah yes...Macklemore...his luscious red locks, his duck lips, his pasty Seattle skin… Olaf felt something ignite in him that he had never felt before...Macklemore, stroking his carrot, surrounded by furs and money, being cheered on by the gays, his loyal followers…
Olaf realized he could never go on without keeping his Mackle-train-of-thought constant. He put on a playlist consisting of "Same Love", "Thrift Shop" and "Can't Hold Us".
Oh yeah, he thought.
Olaf held Anna's face with his twigs, and leaned closer and closer to her face. "Anna, I want you."
"Olaf!" Anna gasped. "Take me."
As Macklemore rapped on, Olaf felt himself get harder and harder. Anna could feel his icicle, and all she wanted was for him to impale her. She slammed her lips against his, and their tongues battled for dominance like Athens and Sparta in the great Peloponnesian war (analyze this historical allusion please class) . Olaf let his twig hands wander down her body, still thinking about Macklemore. Macklemore's chest, Macklemore's stomach, Macklemore's sweet, sweet ass…
"Oh Mackie," Olaf moaned as he grabbed Anna's buttocks, pulling her closer to him.
"Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch," Anna moaned back, thinking about the JohnLock fanfic she had typed up for tumblr before Kristoff came home. She leaned close to Olaf's ear and whispered, "Finger me."
Olaf panicked. What did he do? He had never touched anyone else so sensually before… he didn't know how vaigyaianias worked.
Anna sensed Olaf's confusion. "Olaf, touch the clit."
"Right here?" he said, hand over Anna's left breast.
"No, here," Anna said, guiding his twig down.
Olaf cautiously touched the foreign object. Think about Macklemore, think about Macklemore, he thought, as his lover rapped about $50 t-shirts. Oh, how he wanted Macklemore to take him in the thrift shop…
"Anna, I have to put it in now," Olaf panted. "Please."
"Benedict, I want you so bad."
"Mackie...me too…"
Olaf carefully rubbed his icicle dick with ice lubricant. He had to be careful to go slow, in order to not melt it off. Anna picked up the snowman and lead him to the bed. She spread her legs and lifted him on top of her.
"All I want is for Johnlock to have some Same Love," she whispered. "Enter me, Benny C."
And so, Olaf thrusted into her, thinking about Macklemore's beady eyes. He screamed his name in delight, and his imagination was so vivid that he could feel Macklemore taking him Grandpa-style. Anna, too, could hear Benedict Cumberbatch's classist remarks filling her head. Olaf felt himself climax, his slush (ice cum) getting all over the sheets.
"Benedict," Anna gasped. "That was...amazing…"
"Oppa grandpa style," Olaf panted in return.
After the sex, Olaf took out some ice crystal meth and started smoking it… Anna was so shocked that she just had sex with a snowman made by her sister that she didn't notice. Why did she do it? What if Kristoff found out? As she wept, Olaf got hella high, and then… he got up to leave…
"Macklemore, I need to find you. I need you to save my gay soul."
Little did Olaf know that Kristoff saw everything…
TO BE CONTINUED….
" Walk into the club like what up I got a big icicle." -Macklemore, Thrift Shop.
AN:
OK CLASS, PLEASE DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. Analyze the significance between Olaf getting off to Macklemore's greatest hits
2. Have we found out Olaf's true sexuality? Why or why not?
3. Write about the historical allusion to the Peloponnesian war.
4. Write an essay on the Juxtaposition of Kristoff being a Redditor and Anna being a Sherlockian
5. Tell Jonathan Groff that I love him NO HOMO I am but a lowly English teacher not worthy of his angelic locks….
