Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Chapter 7: Harry Kim
The Admiral returns from the replicator with a mug of coffee, and sits down heavily in the control seat beside me. I turn to her, glance at the drink, and then at her face. She is scowling at me.
"Don't say it."
"Say what?" I shoot back quickly.
She indicates the mug, "that I shouldn't be drinking this."
I allow a smirk. "Oh no, I wouldn't dare," I banter, "but I am sure you will hear about it from Chakotay."
After taking a long sip, and clearly enjoying it, she peers at me over the rim of the beverage, "not if he doesn't see me."
This time she smirks, and I crack up into laughter.
I will miss this women when I take my next space assignment. I have been based on Earth for the last six months as I complete my command training. The time has provided Kathryn and I ample opportunity to become much closer than the command structure of Voyager allowed. She has brought me into her life as a friend and on occasion a confident, and I am very grateful for it. I have learnt she has a wicked sense of humour and a vulnerability and openness I rarely glimpsed when she was my Captain. She has invited me to her home, and I have met several members of her family and long time friends; gaining me insights into her private life that I feel privileged that she has shared with me.
It is also very special to watch her prepare to become a mother. On Voyager she mothered many of the junior staff, perhaps me, more so than many of the others. However, I do not believe it will be anything like when she has a child of her own. There will be a bond and unconditional love between the two that she will put above everything and everyone else. Whereas on Voyager, she could pick and chose the moments to switch between a parental and command approach, for this child there will only be one, and I know already she will excel at it.
I am broken from my revere as the shuttle bleeps an alert and I straighten in my seat to check the display. "We are approaching Sirius," I announce, "I am matching course and speed and requesting permission to dock the shuttle."
Her hands also fly to the controls as she begins the checks usually performed by the co-pilot. I know many senior officers who would assume the role of pilot in this type of situation, but the wonderful thing about Kathryn is her ability to get on with whatever is necessary at the time, to let go of the reigns and be delegated to when needed.
It takes a few minutes for our shuttle to synchronise with the Intrepid class starship, and I cannot help but notice the Admiral beside me becoming slightly apprehensive. I observe how she wrings her hands and fiddles with her comm. badge, crosses and then unfolds her legs, runs her thumb absently around the rim of her mug... it is as if she does not know what to do with herself.
I am at a loss to explain her sudden change, however I do not make mention of it to her.
I land the shuttle in the bay smoothly, and grab both of our flight bags as we disembark and step onto the deck of Sirius. As we cross towards the shuttle bay doors, they open and the ship's Captain and the security chief step through.
"Lieutenant Kim," the Captain greets me with a stern look.
"Captain Chakotay," I nod, maintaining the formality, as I place both bags down by my feet and step forwards to exchange a hand shake.
Quickly he pulls me into a hug with a rumble of delighted laughter, unable to maintain the professional facade. We clap each other on the back as we step away. I look at him and we share in infectious grin, "it's good to see you again Harry," he declares.
"And you," I agree, but even as I speak I notice his attention drawn away from me, and witness his smile soften. I turn my head and see his gaze has fixed on the woman behind me.
Kathryn steps forwards towards him, and reaches out as if to take his hand. However it does not become a hand shake, instead he takes her left in his right, and they squeeze each other's fingers, their eyes lock as something unspoken passes between them.
Chakotay leans forwards as if to kiss her cheek, but they both surprise me again and touch lips. It is by no stretch of the imagination an all out kiss, but the brief exchange holds such unrestrained passion and open love that I realise that they are both holding back in the presence of both myself and the security chief who has not yet been introduced.
The Captain reaches up a hand to cup her cheek as they pull back, and stares deep into her eyes. "I've missed you," he declares, his voice barely above a murmur.
She gives him a long look as if to communicate she feels the same way, but then she glances in my direction, and seeming to remember herself steps back from her former first officer. She does not seem embarrassed by the exchange, quite the opposite, as it appears to have calmed her previously frayed nerves. However I speculate that she is conscious of her surroundings, and that fact we are all currently on duty and therefore should maintain a degree of decorum.
It makes me wonder though... how they would greet each other if they were alone?
This last thought prompts me to consider if there is any meaning behind what I have just observed. Up until this point I was uncertain if the two were still such good friends as they were on Voyager, but this exchange is causing me to contemplate if perhaps they are now much more than that.
I am given little time to entertain this thought, as Chakotay shifts our attention to the other officer and introduces the three of us, before escorting us from the shuttle bay. We leave our bags, which will be taken to our guest quarters, and we are escorted to the briefing room where most of the senior staff have gathered.
Although we have had a long journey to reach our rendezvous point with Sirius, and I know Kathryn must be exhausted, especially now she has just entered the third trimester of her pregnancy, she delivers the briefing to the crew with an energy I am unsure how she has sourced. The Admiral provides them with their orders to deliver both her and myself to the heart of Romulan space, to allow her to meet with the Romulan government and smooth over the political waters following the recent incident involving the Enterprise.
When the officers have asked all their questions, and are in agreement with the mission, Chakotay dismisses all but five people from the room, so that only myself, Kathryn, the command team and security chief remain.
He waits until the door has closed, and we are alone, before clasping his hands in front of him on the table and turning his full attention to Kathryn. "I am assuming that Starfleet also wants us to take advantage of our venture into Romulan space?"
I am uncertain what Chakotay is making reference to, but Kathryn seems to know exactly what he is talking about from the slight acknowledging tilt of her head. "Naturally," she slurs, "but nothing too invasive. We just want to better understand their military strength. Keep an eye out for anything... unusual."
The Captain takes a moment, and lets out a long sigh before standing from his chair and moving to stand by the window, his back to the group. His first officer, Commander Channing, a gentleman in his early sixties, with a gaunt face and spidery limbs speaks up. "We should submit our last set of survey results and purge the data just in case we get stop searched by the Romulans."
It suddenly occurs to me that Sirius is not just here to investigate the Buoron rift, but also to perform military reconnaissance on Romulan territory to Starfleet.
"And what about the readings we obtain once we enter their space?" The chief of security asks.
"We should limit our scans to only the standard surveys," Channing insists, "anything further could be construed as invasive and in breach of trust."
"But that would severely limit the potential for tactical reconnaissance!" Lieutenant Belling sounds frustrated at the notion.
"Commander Channing is correct," Chakotay interrupts quietly from the view port, the two other men fall silent as if his word has settled the matter. I glance at the Admiral to see if she is in agreement, and I notice a small smile tugging at her lips. I realise why only moments later when the Captain continues, "under a silent red alert, the standard procedure would be to prioritise tactical intelligence." He turns to the superior officer in the room, "unless of course you have any objections?"
The Admiral holds up her hands, "oh no, this is your ship Captain, whatever you consider most appropriate given the circumstances."
"Can we justify a red alert?" the first officer interjects.
All eyes fall to Belling, the chief of security. "They were recently involved in the death of a highly respected and valued Starfleet officer. The precaution is acceptable."
Chakotay nods, "very well. Dismissed."
Myself and the two other men stand to leave, however I notice Kathryn remains seated and lingers in the briefing room to converse with the Captain privately. For a moment, it feels like old times.
Over the next couple of days, as Sirius takes us further into Romulan space, I do not see any further evidence to support my first suspicion of an affair, and I start to wonder if I had imagined the way in which they greeted each other on our arrival.
The Admiral and I spend long days preparing for her meeting with the Romulan government, a meeting which has become necessary due to the recent incident involving the Enterprise and the Remans. We are left mostly uninterrupted by the crew of Sirius, who go about their duties ensuring our safe passage through the unfamiliar territory. Even Chakotay keeps out of our way, only coming by at the end of his shift to check on our progress and to ensure I have not forgotten to feed or rest the pregnant Admiral.
As we slip into a business as usual mode, I start to reconsider the conclusion I had jumped to on that first day.
Kathryn only separated from her husband a few months ago; shortly after she discovered her pregnancy. Although she is technically not committed to Nicolas Jorski anymore, and therefore it would not necessarily be an affair, I do not believe that she would so quickly jump into a relationship with another man; even Chakotay.
I do not know the underlying reasons behind the breakdown in her marriage, but I am not deaf to the rumours. I understand that the Commodore resigned his commission shortly before their separation became formal, and I have heard that he went into rehabilitation for substance abuse a while after that.
There are theories that the Commodore threw her out of the house, and others that she left. There is also some gossip over the paternity of her child and that she had an affair, but there is little evidence to back that up. Some of the media have suggested that his recorded violence in battle leached into their marriage, and others have suggested she was the aggressor. I have heard that he was cold and that she was unloving. Each rumour contradicts another, or does not fit with how I knew either of them.
I have no opinion on the marriage or following breakdown, and no desire to enquire about it. Kathryn Janeway is a dear friend of mine, and if she does not want to discuss it, then she deserves my respect for her privacy.
The meeting on Romulus lasts two days. Although I am not supposed to participate in the political discussions, the Admiral pulls some strings with the federation ambassador to have me sit in. She tells me it will be good for my development for when I am a Captain myself one day, and offers me a wink before we head into the first briefing.
It takes me half an hour to recover from that compliment enough to concentrate on what we are discussing.
Watching Kathryn in action during the talks makes me realise what a natural diplomat she is, as well as a great leader, and I wonder if she missed a calling as a politician.
After each meeting Kathryn and I meet to discuss how it went. I feed back my observations and offer my opinions to both her and the ambassador, and we discuss strategy and our next steps to ensure the delicate relations between the federation and Romulan empire are preserved. Although the experience is intimidating, it is also challenging and enjoyable, and it makes me realise that this is something I may want to consider pursuing in my career.
When we return to Sirius, I feel worn and tired, but it is nothing compared to Kathryn, who is the picture of complete and utter exhaustion. She hid it well on that last day, even up until the final details of the renewed agreements were made, but as soon as we materialise in the transporter room on Sirius, her shoulders slump and she lets out a long sigh.
"I think I deserve a long soak in a bath tab after that," she announces as we step out of the transporter room.
I smirk, not for the first time hearing that she enjoys relaxing in a bath. "Just don't fall asleep and let the water get cold," I warn, then pull a cheeky grin, "if you want, I could come in and chuck in a bucket of warm water every now and again?"
She slaps me playfully on the shoulder, "don't make the mistake of thinking I cannot demote you back down to ensign, Lieutenant!" We laugh, and part ways, as she heads for her suite, and I make my way to my own temporary quarters on one of the lower decks.
I receive a comm. from Chakotay on the bridge after I have only been back for a few minutes. He is wanting a report on the outcome of the meeting whilst it is still fresh in my mind. I offer to meet him in his office immediately, but he suggests I take an hour to freshen up first, which I gladly accept.
When I sit down on my bed a wave of tiredness overcomes me. I only intend to rest my eyes for a few minutes, but as I lay down on the bed, the temptation to sleep becomes too much, and I feel my eyes grow increasingly heavy.
Although it is only seventeen hundred hours, I have not slept properly in days, and so I easily drift into a solid sleep. When I wake a while later I am momentarily disorientated. I am in the lull between dreaming and consciousness, it is when I remember that I have a meeting with Chakotay that I suddenly find myself very awake and alert.
"Computer, time," I call out, already knowing it has been more than an hour from the small layer of perspiration I feel over the skin of my forehead.
"The time is twenty one hundred hours and eighteen minutes."
"Damn it." I hear myself saying. I jump up from my bed but I am not sure where I am going. I have already missed my agreed meeting time with Chakotay, in fact I am over three hours late. I wonder why he did not call me, and consider that either something came up, or he suspected my exhaustion and decided to leave me be. Either way, I remember he was urgent to meet with me at the earliest opportunity, and although it is late, I know that he would probably appreciate an informal chat before he retires for the evening.
"Computer," I call out, straightening my jacket, "locate Captain Chakotay."
"Captain Chakotay is in his quarters," the computer's voice fills my quarters.
I hesitate, "is he asleep?"
"Negative."
With little more thought I leave my room and head for the upper deck where I know he resides. I briefly contemplate dropping by the Admiral's suite whilst I am on the deck, however I think better of it. She is most probably fast sleep by now.
As I am in the turbo lift a young Ensign walks in with me, and seems to stand at attention for the duration of our journey together. It reminds me of how I was almost eight and a half years ago when I joined Voyager. I was young, and naive and nervous around superior officers. I realise how far I have come since then, on first names basis with my former commanding officers, and about to drop by the Captain's quarters for an informal chat.
Having pressed the key for admittance to the Captain's quarters I notice I am waiting longer than I anticipated for a response. It suddenly occurs to me that perhaps he is preparing for bed, or maybe mediating and therefore not wanting to be disturbed. I am just about to leave when the doors slide open to confirm my first thought.
Chakotay is wearing sleeping shorts and top, his hair is ruffled, and he rests a hand heavily on the door frame in an unconscious attempt to block his visitor from the space. "Harry," he looks surprised.
"Captain, I er..." I stutter, suddenly I am that green ensign all over again. I had thought it was too early for him to be sleeping, clearly I was wrong. "I thought you wanted to be debriefed?"
He looks at me a long moment, and then his face erupts into the classic Chakotay grin he adopts whenever he has become amused by someone. "That was three hours ago Harry," he points out.
I cannot help but to share in his amusement. "I suppose I may have become a little sidetracked."
"Sidetracked?" he prompts.
Clearly I am not going to get away with this. "I fell asleep," I finally admit.
This just adds to my humiliation, and as I go a deeper shade of pink, he bursts out with a chortle of laughter. No sooner has the sound escaped his mouth, he quickly quietens himself, sobers, and shoots a panicked look in the direction of what I assume must be his bedroom.
"Are you alone?" I ask automatically, before I realise the question boarders on insubordination and most likely an overstep into his private life which our relationship does not warrant.
"Let's catch up in the morning," he does not answer me.
I raise an eyebrow as he looks to get rid of me. He almost gets away with it, almost, until a woman's voice calls out his name from a direction I know with certainty now is the bedroom.
A beat passes, but it feels like an eternity as certain things begin to make sense. The intrigue from Tom and B'Elanna about my impending trip, and the subtle requests to report back on how our friends were doing. Seven's adamant statement when I saw her last month, that despite the direction Chakotay's career appeared to be taking, his next step would be become a father. Kathryn's anticipation towards the end of our shuttle journey here, and the way in which she quickly calmed on our arrival. The protective way Chakotay would place a hand on Kathryn's shoulder in the evening and suggest she get some rest.
It is all coming together in one sudden movement. I would think I should have noticed it when I witnessed them dance during the Voyager reunion months ago. However, now I realise I should have seen it years before. The look of a jealous man when Chakotay mentioned her liaison with Jaffen and the distance that grew between them after we returned from Quarra. The way they held hands before our Captain purposefully went to get herself assimilated. The awkwardness between them after we rescued them from their desertion on an isolated planet. The banter and the flirtatious comments which quietly passed between them on the bridge. It had all been leading to something, but never I imagined it would be to this.
"Was that Admiral Janeway?" I probe, suppressing both a smile and the sudden thrill of happiness that courses through me.
I imagine he would be embarrassed at having been caught, that his face would turn a deeper shade of crimson than mine and that he would make an excuse to avoid me from jumping to the obvious conclusion. However he does none of those things. He just looks at me, a small and contented smile spread across his lips as he does so. "Good night Harry," he bids me, and with absolutely no apology closes the door.
For a moment I am frozen in place in front of the door. Have I just caught my two former commanding officers sleeping together? Literally.
I force my feet to carry me back to the turbo lift. Perhaps there was some meaning behind that kiss when we arrived five days previously. But whether it was a promise of something to come, or a reaffirmation of a promise they had already made to each other is anyone's guess.
