Special thanks to standup comedian Bob Smiley because one of his topics inspired this chapter. If you don't know who he is, look him up! He's hilarious!
I also write bits of this right after seeing Thor: The Dark World so I doubt the story will be influenced by it but you never know. I loved Loki's one-liners. That was my favorite part of the movie… I have strange tastes, yes.
Finally, I recently learned that I know the writer PleaseSmile in person as well. Her fandoms aren't the same as mine but check out her stuff if you're into whatever it is she writes.
~KateMarie999
Chapter Seven: Daddy Lessons
At 16 weeks, Astrid's pregnancy was progressing nicely. Her outbursts were beginning to become few and far between. She was a lot less tired and more affectionate. Hiccup was glad for this; he was hoping his wife would actually want to touch him again and, in fact, he hadn't been expecting her to get this affectionate at all. It was almost like the first week after their wedding all over again.
The one drawback was that Astrid's belly had swollen to the point where she could no longer even pretend she wasn't pregnant. The day her armored skirt didn't fit anymore, she burst into tears and locked herself in her room with her husband on the outside.
"Come on, Astrid." Hiccup called, banging on the door. "It's perfectly natural. There's nothing to be ashamed of!"
"I'm the size of a yak!" Astrid wailed, slightly muffled by the door.
"No you're not. You're beautiful." he said gently, hoping she could hear him.
"I'm going to weigh more than Meatlug before this is over." she added, acting as though she hadn't heard a word he'd said.
He took a deep breath. He knew he had to be patient with her but he was beginning to get very frustrated. When he looked at his wife, he saw the miracle of life and it made her even more beautiful in his eyes. Somehow, she didn't seem to feel the same way. He supposed that was what made them different but he dearly wished he could make her see herself the way he saw her.
He slumped up against the door. "All right, stay in there. In fact… stay in there until you feel better, okay?"
He pounded down the stairs and spotted the armored skirt. He grabbed it and inspected it. Now where would she have gotten something like this?
Two hours later, Astrid was still locked away in their bedroom and Hiccup had decided to visit Gobber. He could probably help Astrid feel better.
"Well I can't take care of him." Gobber was saying as Hiccup came near to the shop. "He'll get himself killed here in the workshop. Too many sharp objects."
"Please, Gobber, we haven't had a night of peace in weeks." came a woman's desperate sounding voice.
"You said you'd look after him!" said a man Hiccup only vaguely recognized.
Hiccup finally came close enough to see a couple standing in front of Gobber's workshop. They were firmly gripping a small boy's arms and the boy squirmed uncomfortably.
"Well I've gotten far too busy. Say… how about Hiccup? He's going to be a father; I'm sure he'd love the practice."
Hiccup stopped dead in his tracks. "What?"
"Oh please, Hiccup? Would you mind watching Edgar for a few hours?" asked the woman, looking like she was on the verge of tears.
Hiccup looked down at the tiny little boy struggling against her grip. He looked to be no older than four years old. Surely Hiccup could handle a small child for a few hours. He smiled.
"I'd be happy to." He consented.
For a moment, he feared the woman really would burst into tears. "Oh bless you!" she exclaimed, pushing the little boy toward him.
Hiccup had to grab the boy's upper arm so Edgar wouldn't run away.
"Now you be a good boy, Edgar. Don't you give Mr. Hiccup any trouble, do you understand?" the woman asked, sternly staring at the boy.
Edgar said nothing, shutting his eyes tight so he wouldn't have to look at his mother.
"Answer your mother!" his father prodded.
"Yes!" the little boy said defiantly.
"Just give me a minute to talk to Gobber about something, okay?" Hiccup asked the couple, who consented and grabbed their small son once more.
After talking to Gobber for a few minutes about a new gift for his wife, Hiccup reemerged and took the small child. He wondered why the boy's parents looked so happy to be rid of their son, even for just a few hours.
A split second later, he knew exactly why Edgar's parents would want to be away from their child.
"Edgar!" he called as the boy immediately ran away as fast as he could. "Edgar, come back here!"
But Edgar acted as though he hadn't heard Hiccup as he continued to run toward the shore. Hiccup never thought that a child that small could run so fast. He finally caught the boy just before he dived into the cold water.
"What were you thinking?" he asked as he held the squirming child. "You could have drowned!"
But Edgar was hearing none of it. "I want to go swimming!" he shrieked.
"Well it's not time for swimming, Edgar. Say, how about we play a game!" Hiccup replied, trying to keep his voice steady.
"But I don't want to play a game! I want to go swimming!" Edgar whined and kicked Hiccup in the lower leg.
Unfortunately, Edgar's aim was better than he had expected. He had managed to kick the very mechanism that detached the prosthetic foot from the older Viking's stump. As Hiccup fell sideways, his prosthetic leg suddenly not supporting his weight, Edgar extricated himself from his arms and dived into the water. For one horrible moment, Hiccup feared the worst. But then the boy's head bobbed over the waves.
As it turned out, Edgar could swim. Hiccup supposed that his parents had taught him this skill quite early for exactly this reason. Hiccup, on the other hand, was not much of a swimmer and without his left foot, he had become even worse at it than he had been. But he had no choice and so, stripping off his shirt in one fluid motion, he dived in after the boy. Edgar swam away as fast as he could and it was all Hiccup could do to catch up. Praying to every god he could think of that his unborn child was a girl, he finally caught the boy and began to swim back.
"No!" the boy screamed. "I want to go swimming!"
"Well we're not going swimming right now!" Hiccup shouted back.
The young man howled in pain as the child sunk his teeth into his upper arm but firmly gripped him anyway. Edgar wailed and made every annoying noise he could think of but Hiccup determinedly ignored him. When they finally got back to land, Hiccup had a bit of a dilemma. He couldn't walk without his prosthetic foot but he couldn't let go of the child to put it back on. If they boy ran back into the sea, he couldn't even put the foot on because he didn't want to get it wet. Thankfully, the gods seemed to be listening to his prayers because Heather showed up at that exact moment.
"Heather!" Hiccup called, trying to act as though the squirming child was a perfectly normal thing to be carrying. "Would you mind helping me put my foot back on?"
Heather stared at the two of them for a second. They certainly looked ridiculous. Both were soaking wet. Hiccup was shirtless and his upper arm was bleeding but he seemed to be ignoring the pain. The boy was squirming and screaming bloody murder but Hiccup looked almost nonchalant about the ordeal. He did, however, fix his gaze on Heather and she could tell that his eyes were pleading with her to help.
"All right." she said at last, trying valiantly not to laugh. "Sit down."
Hiccup complied and now used both arms to control the child. Heather bent down, rolled up his pant leg, and reattached the prosthetic. He looked relieved when he finally stood up.
"So… what are you up to?" she asked in an attempt to make conversation.
The boy shrieked again but Hiccup ignored him. "Oh, just practicing fatherhood." He said loudly over Edgar's screams.
"How do you like it so far?" Heather asked, a smile finally emerging on her face.
Hiccup looked down at the child in his arms and sighed. "When this is over, I'm going to go apologize to my father. For everything."
Heather laughed. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it."
"And then I'm going to go home and have a nervous breakdown." Hiccup added.
"Sounds warranted. Well enjoy yourself until then." She grinned at the look of desperation on his face and walked away.
"All right, Edgar." Hiccup said once she had left them alone. "Do you want to get wet? Well let's get wet. Safely." he thought hard about what to do and then remembered another daddy skill he hadn't learned yet. "Let's give Toothless a bath. What do you say? Do you want to bathe a dragon?"
Edgar gave this some thought. "Well… can we ride him after the bath?"
Hiccup sighed. "Maybe if you're good and do exactly what I say."
The boy grimaced but Hiccup could tell that the gears were turning in his little head.
"Okay." he said, finally going limp.
After a few seconds, Hiccup decided that it was safe to allow the boy to walk next to him. He knew his grip on Edgar's shoulder was a little too hard but he wasn't about to risk the child running away again. Edgar seemed to be used to this.
When they reached the dragon, Hiccup told the boy to help him carry large buckets of water outside. Edgar looked a bit put out by this request but he really wanted to bathe the dragon so he complied. Toothless watched them carry out the buckets with confusion and it wasn't until Hiccup began to tie him to several posts that he struggled.
"All right, Edgar, soak him!" Hiccup called.
The little boy threw water at the gigantic black dragon. Toothless roared and struggled against his restraints. Hiccup grinned at the child's enthusiasm, hoping that his own child would love dragons as much as his or her parents. He brought out the soap.
"I think I'll scrub him, Edgar." Hiccup said, gently pushing the boy back. "I'm taller than you and Toothless is a little more familiar with me. But you can help me wash the soap off."
Edgar nodded and took a few steps back. The dragon continued to roar in indignation as Hiccup scrubbed his back and legs. He didn't go near Toothless' face because he had already lost one foot; he didn't want to lose a hand as well. The dragon shook his large, ebony body and water sprayed in all directions, soaking Hiccup and Edgar even farther and covering them with foam. Edgar giggled.
"Looks like we're all getting a bath today." Hiccup said, causing Edgar to giggle even more. "I think he's all cleaned off so come on, let's splash him again so we can let him go."
Astrid was watching this scene unfold from the bedroom window. She watched as her husband and the little boy splashed Toothless once more and then cut the ropes to free him. When the irritated dragon ran away, she watched Hiccup pretend to be a dragon and chase the child around the yard, roaring convincingly. Their laughter echoed off the walls of the room. She looked down at her protruding belly and smiled.
"You've got a really great dad." she said to her baby. "I just wish I could say the same for your mother." She sighed. "I can't tell him. I've tried. But… but he's so happy. Maybe I won't ever tell him."
A tear slipped down her cheek. She felt he belly, wishing she could feel her baby's movements. Maybe then she would feel differently.
"I want to want you, little guy." she whispered.
Hiccup led the child back to Gobber's workshop at dusk. Edgar's parents were arriving at the same time, looking surprised to find their son walking alongside his babysitter without having to be pushed. Edgar had forgotten about the promised ride which was probably for the best.
"He didn't give you any trouble, did he?" asked Edgar's mother, picking up the now docile child.
"We played dragon attack." the boy said gleefully. "And I won!"
Hiccup smiled. "I'll get you next time." He said to the child. "There was a little trouble at first but he just needed a firm hand and some activities. We had a good time."
"You had a good time? Oh that's wonderful. So you'll watch him again?" the mother asked.
Hiccup nodded. "I'd be happy to before the baby is born. Might not have time after that."
Edgar's father put a hand on his shoulder. "You're going to be a good father, Hiccup." he said quite seriously.
Hiccup beamed with pride as the couple walked away with their child in tow. He then turned back to Gobber's workshop.
"Ahh Hiccup! Finished it just in time." Gobber said, holding up the item Hiccup had requested.
"Thanks." said Hiccup. "Astrid's really going to appreciate this."
"You didn't tell him, did you?" Heather asked Astrid, giving her a sharp glare.
"I couldn't. Did you see him with that little boy today?"
Heather rolled her eyes. "I did but I'm sure your child won't be that bad."
"Maybe not but I just can't, okay? I'm not going to say a word." Astrid insisted, slamming her cup of water down.
"Suit yourself. But if you wait too long, Hiccup isn't going to be pleased." Heather refused to break her gaze and Astrid was beginning to find it intimidating.
"Maybe I won't ever tell him."
"Yeah, that won't backfire at all." Heather sighed. "Fine, you do what you want. But I think you're making a mistake."
"And I think it's none of your business." Astrid said, avoiding Heather's gaze.
"Astrid!" shouted Hiccup from just behind the front door.
Astrid put her head in her hands. "Great…"
Hiccup burst through the door, waving around an object excitedly. "Hi, Heather." He said to his friend. He turned back to his wife. "It took Gobber all day but… but I wanted you to have this."
He placed another armored skirt into Astrid's arms. This one had a buckle and several holes.
"It's adjustable. So you can always wear it." He said, beaming with pride at this brilliant idea.
"Oh Hiccup…"
"I mean, once you have the baby, you can go back to wearing your old skirt but I know how much it means to you and I really wanted to make sure you still had one." Hiccup continued.
"Hiccup, I…"
Heather turned away from Hiccup and gave Astrid a penetrating gaze.
"I… I love it. Thank you." Astrid said, getting up and putting her arms around her husband.
Hiccup thought he heard Heather make a sort of growling noise but he ignored it. Their friend immediately stood up and, without so much as a goodbye, walked out of the house.
"What's up with her?" he asked Astrid once they broke apart.
"It's nothing. She's just… frustrated with someone." Astrid replied.
Well, she thought, at least that wasn't a lie.
