Adora-jia asked:
What was it like when your Mother died; when you were fresh from the tragedy, and how did Castle's books help you through that time?
When did you start to feel relieved about having Castle as a partner?
Do you regret the way in which you met Castle, or anything that happened along the way?
What is your relationship currently like with Alexis?
You responded:
(1)
It was a time in my life that I don't really know how to explain, an experience that is almost too much to fully comprehend now that I am not living through it.
I wanted someone to tell me how I was supposed to feel, because the pain and the grief were so utterly overwhelming that I didn't know how to process them; how to exist whilst I felt such terrible things.
My memories of the weeks that followed aren't really a clear picture, but rather a jumble of things that I know didn't happen in the order that they do inside my head. The important moments are clear, as vivid as if they had happened mere seconds ago, but the days in between clump oddly together, skewing my perspective of how exactly I felt. I didn't do anything for a very long while, just tried to get through each day with as little effort as possible; eat, drink, sleep. I welcomed the nothingness, the numbness, fearing that I wouldn't survive the horrors of what I truly felt.
I found Castle's books by accident, a saviour that somehow found me amidst one of the busiest cities in the entire word.
I had needed out of the house, the memories that it held suddenly too close by, stifling and heartbreaking and altogether too much. I walked aimlessly, wandering, lost to the soothing chill that hung low in the air, daring myself to stray further and further from home. Not caring where I was, or what time it was, or really about anything at all.
I ended up in a coffee shop, miles from home, barely enough money for half a cup, freezing cold and completely exhausted. The old woman who ran the shop thought that I had run away from home, and I suppose that I had in a way; she wrapped me up in a jumper, sat me down in a corner by the heater, and fed me up with tea and cake.
I wanted to talk to her, to explain that my life wasn't supposed to be like this, that I wasn't meant to be all alone and wandering the streets in the middle of the night, but I couldn't even begin to form the words. So instead I sat and watched as she bustled around me, caring for every customer as if they were a part of her family, never for a second leaving a cup empty.
Once I had recovered a little, I picked up the book that had been left on the table beside me; its spine lovingly cracked and its corners finger stained. It was impossible to not pick it up, to not absorb myself into the world within its pages. And in that book I found so much more than I ever expected to find. I found the hope that eventually, no matter how long it may take, the monsters of this world are punished for their crimes. I found the reassurance that I wasn't alone, that my loss was somehow understood. I found the ability to enjoy something, to laugh and smile and not feel guilty for doing so. I found life.
I clung to Castle's stories with every ounce of strength that I had left, and I didn't let go until I knew that I was able to face the world again. Stories that, in their own little way, saved my life.
(2)
I think that I started to feel relieved about having Castle as my partner from the very moment that he started to act as if he were my partner.
In the beginning everything was exciting to him, he was like a little kid set free in a video game, never quite realising that it was real life. He didn't care enough about the victims, he didn't see the impact that their death had on the world, on the people who loved them; they were nothing more than a thrilling storyline for his next novel. I didn't like his attitude, and I didn't agree with his motivation for shadowing me. Honestly, I wanted him gone, and everyone knew it.
But, this job that we do, it is so much more complicated than the 9 to 5 lives that most people lead. Eventually, no matter how hardened your heart is, the horrors of the world seep their way into your emotions, and then you begin to really understand what it means to be a detective. It took a while, perhaps longer than I expected, but the realisation of what the work entails hit Castle with more force than he had been prepared for, and in that moment he became my partner.
The work that we do, the evil that we come face-to-face with every day of our lives, the unwavering love that we are witness to, it changes you. Every day it alters you a little more; it makes you more than the person you were the night before.
Some people can't do it; they simply don't know how, but those who can, those who were made to do this job – to in anyway serve their country, they come out of it stronger than they ever imagined, and with an understanding of human life like no other. Castle is one such person, and I am so grateful that he found his way to the 12th, that he became such a monumental part of our team. That I have the great honour of calling him my partner.
(3)
I know that to many people it may seem as if Castle and I met in a way that I should want to change if given the chance to do so; that there are much better, possibly healthier ways for a relationship to begin. And perhaps those people are right, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with them.
To say that I do not have any regrets would make a liar out of me, and I promised myself that this challenge and any questions that I received would be written entirely with the truth. So, here they are; the deepest regrets of my heart.
I regret the time that we spent angry with each other, the pain that we caused each other, the heartache and the anguish that can never be forgotten. Forgiven, yes; but that is not quite the same thing. I regret the cowardice that prevented us from speaking the truth, that hid the love we truly felt. I regret the lost months that we will never get back, and all the happiness that could have been experienced within them. I regret the impact that the turbulence within our relationship had not only on us, but also on the people around us, on the people who we are supposed to love and care for. I regret that we both have so many regrets, that our hearts will always remain a little tarnished; that we felt so much love, and yet carried on hurting each other.
But I also need you to understand that I am, in every way possible, thankful for these regrets; for the lessons that they have taught us and the people we have become because of them.
Life is messy, and it is complicated, and it is horrendously painful, but that is what makes it so very beautiful. We all head into our lives knowing what is in store, knowing that they aren't going to be easy, and yet we desperately cling onto them with all that we have. Hoping, and some of us praying, that we will find something, or someone along the way to make that pain bearable.
A great man once told me that there are no victories, there is only the battle; and the best that you can hope for is that you find some place where you can make your stand. Castle is that place, he is my final stand.
(4)
I have known Alexis almost as long as I have known Castle, and I have watched her grow into the wonderful young woman whom she is today. From the very instant that I met Alexis, I knew her to be a girl of extraordinary character and overwhelming heart, a force to be reckoned with. And it is to that I owe the relationship we have today; the friendship that I know will only strengthen with time.
I have hurt Castle in the past, but in doing so, I also hurt Alexis. I broke the trust that we had, and I let her down in ways that I will never forgive myself for. I am not proud of this fact, but it is something that, no matter how much I long to do so, I cannot change.
When Castle and I started our relationship, Alexis had every right to be angry and disappointed with me, to be fearful of the pain that I could cause to her entire family. And she was, perhaps still is a little, and I understand that. I know that I still need to earn her trust, that I need to show her how truly sorry I am for my past mistakes, but she is mature enough to realise that the only way I can do that is if she allows me to do so. It will take time, and it won't always be easy, but then nothing worth having ever was.
Alexis is a testament to her Father, a shining example to everyone who is fortunate enough to meet her. I hope to one day call her not only my friend, but also my family. A hope that I will do everything in my power to turn into a reality, and one which I shall never give up on.
To be continued..
I know that this is rather a longer update than usual, but I wanted to answer each question as fully as possible.
So, I hope that you don't mind.
Please keep sending in your questions.. you can leave them in a review, or send me a message if you prefer :)
Thank you ever so much for reading,
Let me know what you thought?
Katie
