7. One's Times

6. Photographs

A

Both Yoshino and Yumi asked Shimako why she decided to go to England to study Theology. A lot of people asked Shimako why she went to England. Why she chose to go so far away. The only person who did not ask her why was Sei. But that was to be expected. She never had to explain herself to her Onee-sama. It was one of the reasons why they were soeurs. She had discussed her decision with Sei, when the idea presented itself during her second year, that she might want to go abroad to study. That a few months after meeting Noriko, she began to think it might be a good idea to leave. She left that part out when discussing this with Sei, but her reason for leaving was emotional, Shimako knew it at the time, and she knows it still. That was what she explored with Sei when she spoke about her decision. Sei did not ask her for details, comfortably staying with generalities. She knew, of course she knew, but Sei always lets Shimako set the type of conversation they have, and if Shimako does not want to say the exact reasons why, then that is fine with Sei too.

Her emotions are something that she has tried so hard to control since she was young. Considering it, she may have supressed them. But this action, repeated and confirmed through knowing and unknowing action, again and again over the years of her conscious life, have managed to give Shimako a sense of autonomy. She is a nation unto herself, and she likes it, if that is the right way to think of it. Considering also the tumult of others around her, all through school, what others spoke of, how they reacted to what life presented to them, Shimako genuinely has felt apart from it. She passed through her life, touching off it. Even when issues arose with her brother, or her parents, both sets, she could glide away. Now that she thinks of it, it could be said that it was a bit lonely. But Shimako likes the quiet. She likes calm. And, in a way, this is how she felt, until she came to Lillian.

When Shimako decided she wanted to be a nun, the man she thought to be her father suggested she attend a catholic school, and find out if that was true. If she really wanted this, it would sadden him, but he would support her, knowing that there were deeper reasons for her desire. He encouraged her to explore the path she wished to choose, and Lillian was selected as one of the last catholic schools left in the Kanto region, as no one wished for Shimako to go too far away. She had thought that she already knew how she would feel after three years of Lillian. This left Shimako completely unprepared for what actually happened in those three years. How in the first few months of her time in the school with the beautiful grounds, she would fall into a kind of love. And then in her second year, she would do it again.

Shimako, current resident of London, constant resident of herself, sits in her shared apartment, and gazes out at the rain. She is Japanese and no stranger to rain, but this is unfamiliar rain. She is indulging a pang of loneliness so profound that there is a physical ache in her chest, and not for the first time, since the novelty of living abroad wore off, she wonders if she made a mistake. No matter how hard she tries, the essence of Lillian, the memories of what happened there, the people she met will not leave her. They are a part of her. They somehow became a crucial component of her, and she can no more leave them behind that she can herself. Her nation of one has multiplied. She snorts at the imagery. Time, she thinks. She just needs more time to adjust. She reasons that she will not always feel this way that this is just a moment, and it will pass.

Shimako unfolds herself from her position by the window and goes to the rickety wardrobe on the other side of her room. Standing on the end of her single bed, she pulls her backpack from on top and drops it on the floor. Hopping down, she eases onto carpet the colour of wasabi, and rummages around inside of it. What she is searching for is her photo album that she put together, with some help, before she left Japan. The majority of the pictures are from Tsutako-san, but others contributed. One day, Shimako paid her first and only visit to the photography club, and humbly requested anything that Tsutako-san had of her friends. Of which the ace had plenty, as it turned out. Lots of Yumi, it seemed. She remembers she passed comment on that, and Tsutako-san had laughed, and said Yumi's face shifts like a wind, which made her a very interesting subject. She gave Shimako copies of everything she picked out.

In her album she has pictures of family, she has some of various temples she visited with Noriko, lots of her Rose family. She has two of Sei. This album is very important to Shimako. She surprised herself for wanting it. At sixteen, she would not have. The concept of something like a photo album was alien to her. By the time she graduated, many things had changed in her, and she did want it. And looking at these familiar faces, of family, of those beloved, she is eased. Those strange, stretchy strings of attachment seem not so invisible, not so harmful; appear not to have dissolved in the thousands of miles between her and them. She flicks to the two pictures of Sei that she has placed side by side. One is Sei's graduation, the other is a picture taken for the school newsletter but never used.

She remembers when she met Satou Sei. Looking back at it now, as she traces Sei's face with her finger, now that there is physical and emotional space between them, she can see that she fell in love, of a kind. Though, as she tried to explain to Yumi on Sei's graduation day, it was not the same sort of love as Yumi and Sei were experiencing. If she is honest, it was a little like that. But at the start she called it fascination. Then as time went on, she called it attraction, because there was no other way to frame how she felt. And with Shimako's early developed ability to take herself out of a situation, she could see the mirror of it in Sei. In Sei's initial cold dismissals, Shimako's initial shyness, their eyes still sought each other. She would feel Sei's gaze on her at the oddest times. And when she turned to look for her, Sei would hold her gaze for a second, not pretending, ever, that she was not looking, but with a haughty and slightly angry sweep of her long body, she would turn from her. This fascination was two sided, which is why Sei refused to become an Onee-sama for so long. The sorry tale of Shiori came in fits and starts over the year they were soeurs, and finally explained Sei's real reluctance. But, as ever with Sei, it was more complicated than that.

But Sei could not deny that she needed to take a petite soeur. Pressure was put on her, this much Shimako knows. Sachiko-sama's not quite sincere but totally serious proposal comes to mind. Shimako has long suspected that Sachiko-sama had been asked to approach Shimako, because only hours passed after her refusal when Sei asked her would she like to take a walk under the cherry blossoms. They are so different, Sei and herself. And yet, has she ever met someone she so clearly resonated with? No. Well, at least not yet. They even look a little alike. She has friends that she loves, had someone she might have even have had something more with, although, that is now debateable. She has not heard from Noriko since a week before she left Japan. With Sei, she felt that she faced a personal demon when she asked Shimako to be her petite soeur. When she wrapped her rosary around her wrist, when she took her hand and ran, when Shimako accepted all that Sei was, the attraction was confirmed. But over time, step by gentle step, piece by piece, Sei removed it. There would be no dependency in this relationship. In fact, it was not going to be a relationship at all. It would be a friendship, what the soeur system was designed for in the first place. Sei did her best to guide Shimako, but for the most part, unless Shimako really had a need for her, she left her alone and vice versa. Her presence was her main contribution, the option of Sei was always available to her.

It broke down her barriers. It left her defenceless. Of course, Sei does not know this. Shimako never told her. Never told her that by Sei taking her hand, she blew open her life. That action and all it represented opened her up for all kinds of love. Shimako fondly gazes at the picture of Sei and herself at Sei's graduation. In a rare display of affection, Sei has her arm around Shimako's shoulders. Shimako remembers the sensation of being so close to Sei, of being held by her. There were a few times in their friendship when Sei held her. Because she did it so rarely, it had a lot of impact when she did it. Shimako cherishes those moments that sit in her memory like precious stones, that she takes out every so often to polish and admire. That was the day that Yumi confirmed her relationship with Sei. It was a bittersweet time to hear Yumi actually say it. Sei, of course, had seen no reason to broach the subject with Shimako at all, but Yumi is different in that regard. Yumi is different in a lot of ways, Shimako thinks, smiling at the thought of Yumi.

She flicks through the book until she reaches a picture of her friend. It was taken at their last Christmas party in the Rose Mansion. There are a number of other pictures in the album of Yumi, but Shimako remains most fond of this one. Sei and Sachiko had popped in to wish everyone a merry Christmas. Sei who's birthday is on Christmas Eve, wanted to see who remembered it. Typical, Shimako thinks and laughs out loud. Tsutako-san had been bobbing around, as she was always on the 'guest list', at Yumi's behest, for all sorts of goings on in the Rose Mansion. She took great pictures, both informal and formal, and is just really fun into the bargain. It was a bit of a benign joke amongst anyone not Yumi that Tsutako was crushing hard on Yumi and Yumi never noticed. Yumi liked Tsutako immensely, and made it a point to include her in many things regarding the Yamayurikai, knowing that Tsutako could keep a secret. Yoshino used to say in private that Tsutako had been KO'd twice without ever stepping in the ring. Shimako never quite understood the analogy, but she got the gist, and found it more sad than amusing in a distant way. So, it was Tsutako's last Christmas party also, as a sort of unofficial member of the student council. She had taken a lot of pictures.

The one that Shimako is looking at now has Yumi as the main subject, and she is playing Go with Sei. It was yet another championship bout and this was the final. Yumi who was and no doubt still is a quick study, had learned a few very interesting moves from her Onee-sama, who is excellent at strategic games. Shimako remembers how intent they were, but the game had only nominally been on the board. The tension was Yumi and Sei in each other's orbits. She remembers her own jealousy. At the time, she had no idea what they were like as a couple, but she got a hint watching them interact. Later on, when they went through a bad time, a few months before Shimako left, Yumi came to stay with her, as she could no longer live with Sei, did Shimako get the whole picture. Jealousy comes from a place where one still thinks there is a chance, a selfish area of pure want and greed, without ever understanding what one really wants. It is a blind thing, jealousy. But the day Yumi arrived at her house with a suitcase and a broken soul, she saw that her jealousy had been so pointless. Shimako, despite Yumi's tortured story of betrayal, truly forgave Yumi that day for taking Sei from her. She had not realised that her heart still contained such jealousy until then. She did not know, despite how much reflection she had done, that she had only partially allowed Yumi away with it, and had been lying all this time about it.

Seeing the two of them over that time, she was no longer wilfully blind. Only people who loved each other deeply could be that miserable apart. Yumi became a machine, and Sei just stopped. The only intervention Shimako made into the situation was to refuse Sei access to Yumi until Yumi said it was OK. Shimako still feels a bit anxious over the whole thing. She has no real reason to, and yet, there it is. They made up, which only goes part way to relieving her. There was a lot going on for Shimako at that time, and truly, Yumi and Sei's problems were only a small part of it. She fixes her gaze back on the picture, remembering how she still did not like looking at them together. She did not hate it, but she was uncomfortable. She had been to Sei's first party in her apartment, and had seen them at the start of something. She had seen Yumi's schoolbooks on the table, her clothes in the bedroom. She remembers when Sei casually placed her hand on Yumi's thigh when Yumi sat on the floor beside her, like her hand had always been there and always would be.

But it had been a full and fun night with the people that she loves, only Noriko missing because of a prior engagement, and the incident had drifted away as something unimportant in the grand scheme of things, leaving behind only the tiniest of stains.

She remembers that she did not see much of Sei after she graduated. Sei would check in on her, however, sometimes surprising her at school, sometimes arranging a coffee date. Shimako loved those times the most, when it was Sei and her alone and away from Lillian. When Sei came to Lillian, she was not sure who she was coming to visit. When they went for coffee, Sei only wanted to see her and it gladdened her. Shimako looks at the picture, her eyes roaming over the faces of her friends, and remembers. She remembers a cold evening that was warmed by laughter in the odd little building that they called a mansion.

B

-So! What's so special about this time of the year?

Sei announces herself as she comes into the Rose Mansion meeting room. Shimako feels a smile break out on her face as soon as she hears Sei's voice. She looks up from her cake decorating and welcomes Sei with this smile. Sei smiles back and winks, her eyes alight with excitement. Sachiko-sama is following in behind her, already wearing an expression that says humour her.

-It's Christmas.

Yumi calls out from under the table where she is chasing Go pieces that got dropped on the floor. Sei looks around at the sound of Yumi's voice and Shimako points down at the table. Sei laughs and slinging her bag into a corner, drops to her knees to look underneath.

-Yumi-chan!

Comes the delighted cry when Sei finds her. Shimako hears Yumi request aid in her Go finding mission. Sachiko-sama says hello to Shimako and opens her bag to pull out a large box of chocolates, which she places on the table. Noriko, who is hanging decorations, jumps down from the chair she is standing on and offers greeting and tea, both of which Sachiko-sama accepts. Shimako hears Yumi tell Sei to get off her and they both start laughing. She shares a look with Sachiko, who rolls her eyes and shakes her head, making Shimako giggle.

Touko and Nana come back at that moment from downstairs where they went to find more decorations. They have been successful Shimako sees, as the box Nana is carrying has Mizuno Youko's very distinct handwriting on it. Almost on their heels is Yoshino who went to find Tsutako, also successful, bringing with them Fukumichi Miyuki, Touko's petite soeur. She is a very pretty girl, quiet and thoughtful and a member of the drama club with Touko. As Shimako looks at her, she feels a little ashamed that she does not know much else about her. Yumi likes her a lot, and of course Touko adores her. She is in Nana's class, not only that, but they appear to be friends. Nana is very particular about whom she chooses to be friends with, so she thinks that speaks volumes about Fukumichi Miyuki. Nana is someone Shimako has come to admire over the past eight months, as she has a handle on the fiery Yoshino like nobody else. That alone gives Shimako a high opinion of her.

Sei and Yumi come out from under the table giggling, surprising the new members of the party, dumping Go pieces on the table. There are greetings all around, and Touko is clearly happy to see Sachiko. Her greeting to Sei is a little cooler. Shimako is sure she is not the only one to notice the complex feelings Touko-chan has toward Satou Sei, the person she has to share her Onee-sama with. It is different with Sachiko, as they are related, and it is in proper order for Yumi and Sachiko to be close. But Sei is a different kettle of fish, so to speak. It is much like Noriko's feelings, something territorial. But unlike with Yumi, Shimako and Sei were never involved in that way, so it is somewhat different. What complicates it is that Touko genuinely likes Sei. She just does not like her involvement with Yumi. Yumi is aware of this, this much Shimako knows, but there is nothing to be done about it. Touko is going to feel how she feels. And behave how she behaves. When Sei is around, Touko is clingy. She sits closer to Yumi, keeps her attention, pretends helplessness, in short, she does everything she knows Yumi is weak against. And Yumi, who can see through it, will play along. Because Yumi is Yumi. Tender hearted, patient Yumi. Shimako feels badly for Touko-chan, caught between such strong emotions. She probably does not like herself very much when she behaves that way. Shimako empathises with the junior, because she can occasionally be in such a state when dealing with Yumi and Sei together in front of her.

It was true what she said to Yumi then, that with the clearing of the air, she could let Sei go. What Shimako did not realise until after, nearly two years after, is that the process of letting Sei go would take a long time. Even with Noriko in her life, there is a small light in her that is her love for Sei. In many respects, she has let go of her Onee-sama. Of course, she had to admit that her feelings for Sei were more than what she was comfortable with, but she did that. She cut a lot of her internal ties to Sei that allowed her to be happy for her friend and Sei. This was a good thing, a healthy thing. She is glad that she got though that, because it hurt at the time. However, there is a last lingering shred of that hurt when she sees Sei and Yumi together. A tiny thing, yet it can still make Shimako feel a little off. She does not like this feeling, but yet she is unable to conquer it. She does not like being at the whim of it.

She loves the two of them so much, which is what makes it harder, and why she can understand Touko's predicament. Sei goes without saying, but Yumi…Yumi she liked from the start, her classmate, her contemporary, and her equal. There is something very unusual about Yumi that is not at all obvious. As time passed, Shimako grew to really love Yumi. She is generous with her time and very affectionate. Deceptively smart and unassuming, Yumi usually gives more than she gets. So when Shimako was having problems with Yumi and Yumi's relationship with Sei, even though she said nothing about it, even though it was a small thing, Yumi seemed to expect it, and did not speak of Sei unless Shimako asked her about her. Shimako appreciated this consideration greatly, even though it was a conversational arrangement they never even discussed. That is an aspect of Yumi that never fails to surprise Shimako. How grown up Yumi is. Considering who she spends most of her time with, between her Onee-sama and Sei, perhaps it is not so surprising, now that Shimako thinks about it. Something that Shimako has noted as they are now approaching their last months in Lillian is that Yumi has deliberately played at being 'Yumi' for a long time.

An idea of 'Yumi' is planted in the heads of the pupils of Lillian: Yumi the approachable, slightly ditzy member of the Yamayurikai; Yumi the dreamy yet sweet classmate, who late in her first year started shooting up the rankings in terms of her schoolwork; Yumi, who oddly (according to classroom gossip) became the petite soeur of Ogasawara Sachiko. And that, Shimako thinks, is only because they do not really know Yumi. They know the Yumi from her first year, many of them know her from kindergarten, and they know a girl who really stopped existing a long time ago. Yumi has learned to give people what they expect, which leaves her free to be herself. It is something about Yumi that Shimako has an issue with. She dislikes the fact that Yumi feels she has to play at being herself. When Yumi drops the act, the adult is sitting right there. Perhaps Yumi was always that way. Shimako does not know the answer to that.

That is why Sei picked her, Shimako thinks, smearing chocolate frosting on the 'log' shaped cake. Sei sees who she is and maybe, just maybe, Sei is the only person Yumi feels she can be herself with. Not her friends, not her Onee-sama nor her petite soeur. With Sei, maybe it is true, that she is free. Shimako never thought about it that way before. For the longest time, she has thought about what was taken from her. She is still, unfortunately, caught in this cycle of want and not-want. Even with Noriko, which the universe was kind enough to gift her with, there is something Shimako is holding back. A part of herself, a part of her past self she is not ready to let go of. Noriko feels it, and they have had moments together when something could have happened, had Shimako had the courage to let go, and maybe she would be happier today. If she could love Noriko in the manner she should be loved, the way Noriko loves her, maybe, this feeling of seeing the closeness of Sei and Yumi would no longer matter to her.

The room is filling up and becomes warm with all the bodies moving about. The talk is loud but not overwhelming. Shimako adds the finishing touches to the Christmas log, a tradition she wishes to keep going, even if it does not survive her departure, and pushes the cake into the middle of the table. A round of applause catches her off guard and she quickly looks up to see everybody looking and smiling at her. She feels the heat of a blush and just as quickly looks down, embarrassed. There are some oohs and aahs, and they finally allow her off the hook. She thanks everyone and then carts the bowls and cutlery to the kitchenette and begins to wash up. She feels Sei before she hears her, a disturbance in her surroundings that only Sei can make. No matter where she goes or how long she lives, Shimako feels in her gut, as the familiar presence of her Onee-sama floods her system, she will always know when Satou Sei is close by. Before Sei has a chance to say anything, Shimako says:

-It's Christmas, Onee-sama.

She holds in a laugh as she feels Sei's irked response like a hand on her shoulder. Sei slinks away, perhaps to ask someone else, one of the younger girls probably, what is so special about this time of the year. If Sei had not already tried this last year, as well as the year before, the girls would not take such delight in teasing her. Sei is a complete child when it comes to her birthday. She likes to celebrate it and have it remembered. Shimako suspects that Sei is still annoyed at her parent's lack of consideration at not planning her birthday for another time of the year, where it would not be so overlooked. Shimako smiles over the thought. As she turns from the sink, drying her hands, she can feel happy. The room is alive with the sound of laughter and girls voices and she can feel the companionship of the Yamayurikai like a living thing. It always surprises her that she is a member of the Yamayurikai, because she never meant to be. She is a girl devoid of temporal ambitions. She wished to be a nun with the thought of being closer to her mother, and as soon as she realised that, it passed. But her desire to live a spiritual life, a live free of material objectives, is not so much an ambition as something natural to her. She likes to learn, likes the structure of learning, likes academics, but there is no end goal in mind. Being on the student council in a roundabout way negates this. It says that Shimako has a need to be useful and recognised, to stand out in some way. This is not the truth. But she accepted the consequences, the conflict of being in the Yamayurikai because of Sei. And she stayed for Yumi and Yoshino, and by staying, she met Noriko. Her chain of causality is quite clear. One reason she feels happy right this moment, is because she chose to stand out, and accept all that it brought. It brought her pain, yet it brought her to here.

She looks over at Sei, who has given up on her attention grabbing and decided to make herself useful instead by helping Noriko with the decorations. It took Noriko quite a while to adjust to the presence of Sei. She sometimes feels that Noriko is too confident, too self-aware to feel something like jealousy, that what she was feeling, and although she had said nothing about it, may still feel, is like Touko to an extent: territorial. Sei is no longer here, in reality, she is no longer Shimako's Onee-sama, yet the shadow she casts is a long one, and Noriko stands in it. Shimako has done her best to move the shadow, but it is a big job. But after nearly two years of Noriko and Sei sometimes sharing space and sharing Shimako, Noriko has definitely settled something in herself regarding Sei. They are talking as Sei stands on a chair using her height to get the decorations up, submitting to Noriko's direction. Shimako likes seeing them together. It warms her to see the generations of the Gigantea family. Noriko seems to feel Shimako's attention, because she turns around and smiles at her. It is a Noriko special. Rare, intimate, and just for her. It makes Shimako want to hug her. Shimako smiles back, and thinks, because it is Christmas, she should give her that hug later, when they are alone. They have not been so physical with each other since the sports festival. Shimako stops herself there. She is not going to think about that now. Noriko turns back to Sei and Shimako's gaze moves around the room as she unties her apron.

Sachiko is sipping the tea that Noriko made for her, speaking in quiet tones with Yumi. It is like a parameter is opening up around them and they are alone in their world of quiet. In the winter of Yumi's first year, when she and Sei became involved, what amazed Shimako the most was Sei's behaviour toward Sachiko. Clearly, they had talked about the situation. Sei became much gentler with Sachiko. Sometimes, she even touched her, as if trying to reassure her junior of something that was only between the two of them. More surprising, Sachiko let her. Yumi never said anything about it, never mentioned it to her friends. Then again, her friends never mentioned it to her. Everyone knew something had happened, but no one wanted to bring it up. Shimako had noticed a new tension between Yumi and Sachiko, however. The majority of the time, they were fine with each other, yet when they bickered, which was not all that often, it would quickly escalate. It appeared at the time that they were holding a lot back from each other, as they sparked and fought, that shouting at each other seemed to allow them to vent.

When Sachiko graduated and got married, things changed again. They did not fight, as far as Shimako is aware of, they were like this: quiet and thoughtful in their conversations. Of course, that is when Shimako sees them together. She does not know what they are like all the time. Shimako watches the quiet exchange between them. Sachiko has put down her cup and she is twisting her wedding ring. For Shimako, other people's relationships generally hold little interest for her, but she is young, and a girl and these are her friends. She would like to know what happened between them. Her curiosity is not so great that she would ask. She would never pry. She turns to open the cupboard over the sink and take out plates for the cake. She hefts them out, and then turns to take them to the table and lend a hand to Nana and Yoshino who are clearing off the table. As she moves, she sees that Sei is watching the quiet interaction between Yumi and Sachiko. As she places the plates on the table, she keeps a subtle eye on Sei's equally subtle watchfulness. There is sharpness in her eyes that Sachiko rarely sees in her Onee-sama. She is still holding a conversation with Noriko, but her attention is definitely elsewhere. It is a complex look. She is clearly curious, but she is upset somewhere. It piques Shimako's own curiosity.

In her more fanciful imaginings, she often thinks she can feel Sei like a second heartbeat, that she can guess her Onee-sama's mood almost like her own. For instance, she knows that right now Sei is not really OK, but that in general she is happy. She can tell from that one look, that Sei is compromising a lot to achieve that happiness, even if it not perfect. So their love has conditions, Shimako wonders, going back to the kitchenette for napkins and cutlery. When she comes back, she glances briefly at Yumi and Sachiko, who is now sliding her wedding ring up and down her finger. She has no more time to wonder about the emotional state of anyone else, as Yoshino leans over and nudges at her lips with a chocolate until Shimako allows her to pop it into her mouth, bringing her back to the party and a smile to her face.

The evening progresses nicely. Shimako is very content in this company. The semi-traditional transient Go tournament is underway. This game can get quite serious, depending on who is playing, but as others take sides in it, it gets rambunctious and often hilarious. Sei knocks out Yoshino, Sachiko knocks out Touko. Nana defeats Shimako, Yumi knocks out Noriko. Tsutako and Miyuki abstain from play claiming no skill whatsoever and a wish not to disgrace themselves in public. Sei bests Nana in a nail biter, and then to everybody's shock, Yumi crushes Sachiko. Sachiko says that the pupil has become the teacher, but promises retribution in her smile. Yumi laughs good naturedly, meeting her with an anytime, Onee-sama, anytime. This leaves Yumi to play Sei in the finale, which ratchets up the tension in the room. Everybody is watching intently as they sit down, the chairs facing each other. For some reason, in the Rose Mansion, no one has ever played this game opposite each other over the table. It is always on the same side of the table, facing each other. No one knows who started playing this way, but here it is as traditional as the tournament. Yumi begins putting the pieces in order, and they are bantering with each other. This flirtatious manner is not surprising to anyone who knows them, so no one passes any comment on it anymore. This evening it not just light hearted exchanges. This is psychological warfare. As Yumi takes her first turn, Sei stretches out her long frame, positioning herself in a way that could only be called suggestive. Yumi ignores her. A ripple of laugher goes around the room. Miyuki looks a little confused. At Sei's turn, Yumi loosens her tie. Sei ignores her.

C

Shimako in London, nearly a year on from this picture, laughs out loud as she remembers. She remembers the laughter as the game went on, longer than a Yamayurikai game of Go should. She remembers that Sei constantly asked Yumi questions, told her she loved her, informed her that the tighter her jeans were, the better, causing Yumi to giggle and put her face in her hands. She remembers at one point, Yumi leaned back in her seat and crossed her legs and called Sei's name. Sei looked up from contemplating her turn and Yumi fixed her with a look that was so openly sexual, that Shimako had genuinely been shocked by it. And she had not been the only one. The room went very quiet. Shimako had looked over at Sachiko at one point, to see that her attention was absolute on Yumi. It was true that Yumi was losing, but it did not seem to matter anymore. Sei had kept her eyes on Yumi while she took her turn. They had sat facing each other, not really paying attention to what their hands were doing. Sei's eyes were hooded and full of something Shimako had never seen before. But of course, Sei had never wanted her that way. But Yumi dropped the act of being Yumi for a while, and there was a woman sitting where Yumi had been. Theoretically, Shimako had known that Yumi had grown up a long time ago, but to see it was another thing. To see what Sei and Yumi were like as a unit, and that evening, they briefly opened the door to their relationship, and let others take a look at why they were together. They had knowledge of each other that others could only guess at. They met at a point that only they could understand.

Then Yumi had broken the spell by looking down at where the game had gone. She looked back at Sei and mouthed gotcha to her, and Sei finally took her eyes off Yumi to see that her territory was completely overtaken. Sei called Yumi a cheater, which was hotly disputed by Yumi, and suddenly everything was back to normal. Shimako felt she could breathe again. Sei's infectious laughter resounded around the room, and that was the end of that.

Shimako taps the picture with her fingertip, and traces the faces of her friends. I miss you, she admits to the picture. She flips through her album again, and lands on a picture of Noriko, taken by herself at her family shrine. Noriko was, and according to her father, still is a frequent visitor. She wonders at the different relationships she has with her petite soeur and her Onee-sama. How the feelings that Noriko inspires in her are far more visceral, far closer. Shimako can admit she was attracted to Sei, to her looks, and later to the complex personality that lay beneath. And she felt it from Sei also. But they never came closer than necessary. While she was held in the warm embrace of Sei's regard, Sei never encouraged any sort of close bonding. This was fine with Shimako who was afraid of her feelings of intense fascination with Sei. They disturbed her calm, and meeting Satou Sei, the presence of Satou Sei in her life made her permanently re-envision the path of this life. It was good that Sei kept her distance, yet it was also good that she met her.

That did not mean that it did not hurt when she finally figured out Yumi's relationship with her Onee-sama. Of course it did. It hurt a lot, which really surprised her at the time, though thinking of it now, she wonders why it did. Before Yumi knew, before Sei probably knew, Shimako had guessed at something. They would look at each other too much, they noticed each other in a way that was hard to describe. But Sei's eyes followed Yumi wherever she went. Sei is the type to form obsessions with all sorts of things, so Shimako did not take it too seriously. But as time went on, it began to make her a bit jealous, even though their soeurship was of a different kind than most, that does not mean that seeing Sei's attention wander to Yumi did not have any kind of effect on her. Then things changed rapidly between Yumi and Sei. It made Shimako feel like she blinked at the wrong moment and missed something important. And she remembers the day when she knew, without any shadow of a doubt, that they were involved. It was the day that Yumi called Sei by her given name in front of everybody. It was not the fact that she did that, because Yumi often did that with everybody, it was the familiarity of it, the quality of the tone in her voice. Sei's reaction was the other piece in the puzzle. Shimako remembers it felt like a punch in the gut. Shimako was very glad that she was in the habit of guarding her emotions. But if she was not, what might she have done? Walked out? Shouted at them? Asked Yumi why she had to have Sei, ask Sei why Yumi? Shimako does not know.

She had seen in Yumi in the following months that her friend had wanted to tell her. Shimako reasons that Yumi was waiting for Sei to do it. Shimako snorts. Poor Yumi, she would have been waiting a long time! Sei's relationship with Yumi was Sei's business, and she would see no reason to talk to Shimako about it, any more than she would ask Shimako about hers, if that was the case. Sei did her best not to flaunt it, that much she considered Shimako's feelings, and had she asked her, she has no doubt that Sei would have told her. But she did not ask. Instead, she gave Yumi an out by asking her instead. It was easier and she never regretted it. Yumi is a good person with a big heart. Perhaps too big, and has put her in some compromising situations. But that was of no relevance to Shimako. Her only concern on that day was to let Yumi say what she had wanted to say for the longest time, which amounted to: I'm dating your Onee-sama, I love her, I'm sleeping with her, and I am sorry if I hurt you.

Yumi did hurt Shimako. Shimako cannot pretend she did not feel a pang of betrayal. She had no idea that they had gone that far in their relationship. Shimako did not think about sex often, and when she did, it was mainly in an abstract way. It really hurt that there was an area that she most certainly could not go to with Sei. She had been attracted to Sei, but she had not thought of anything physical. Knowing that Sei was physical with Yumi hurt her on a level she had previously been unaware of. Shimako had never thought of herself in terms of sexuality, though she was aware of it. She was aware of romance, and the soeurs who looked a lot more like couples than sisters. She was not ignorant at all of these things, but somehow, she did not think to apply these things to herself. Her thoughts toward Sei made her uncomfortable, but she had not come so far to think of herself with Sei, the way Yumi was with Sei. By Yumi being with Sei, however, it drew her attention to sexuality in a way she never had before. Maybe, she ponders, as she looks at Noriko's pretty face, that was when her adolescence actually begun, at the ripe old age of sixteen.

Shimako sighs and once again let's go of those memories. She wonders if she will always revisit them, or if there comes a time when she will not think of them. But they are not all so melancholy. When she told Yumi that day that she could let Sei go, she was being as truthful as she knew how to be at that stage. When Sei and she talked and visited afterward, there was something gone from their interactions. It was something Shimako never knew was there until its absence drew attention to it. It was a small epiphany in the cafeteria of Lillian University. They were more comfortable with each other. They spoke more freely. Shimako even dared a hug goodbye that day and received one in return. It had been lovely, like so many things about her Onee-sama. It was another precious gem of a memory: the day she and Sei truly became friends. And perhaps she can thank Yumi for that.

That was in the middle of her second year, and she was an Onee-sama herself by that stage. The loyal and loving Noriko came into her life. Like with Sei, there was a pull in her heart when she met her. There was a big difference, however. Her body added its own voice to the internal conversation Shimako had with herself in connection to Noriko. And it was mutual. Noriko, in many ways is the complete opposite of Sei, both in looks and personality. Where Sei did not touch, Noriko did. The first time they met, Noriko removed cherry blossoms from her hair. Slowly and gently she removed them, plucking them out with slow and careful movements that felt like caresses, and Shimako knew at right that moment, with Noriko's barely-there touch, with her deep, deep brown eyes, the girl who shared this moment with her under these cherry blossom trees would be the one to ease the loneliness that Satou Sei left in her wake.

Noriko is not as delicate as Sei. Her addition to the Gigantea line brought with it a welcome robustness. Just like Shimako, Noriko had gone to school elsewhere up to high school. She was not as mired in the traditions of the place. Until they became soeurs, she called Shimako 'Shimako-san', not 'Shimako-sama', a noted difference from the culture of Lillian. When they became soeurs, Noriko managed to imbue the words 'Onee-sama' with such a sense of specialness, it sounded like something entirely different. And Shimako really liked it. Time with Noriko was like a breath of fresh air. She had not realised how stuffy she had become in the confines of Lillian, how attached to the written and unwritten rules of the place. It took Noriko to point that out. Of course, when one attends school six days a week and as involved in the running of it to the degree the Yamayurikai are, it is hard not to lose sight of the outside. Even serving at the family shrine did not detract from this. And Noriko encouraged physical interaction. This was certainly very new. Noriko was not shy about what she called 'skinship' in a joking tone, and all of a sudden, Shimako could understand why Sachiko-sama was forever petting and hugging Yumi. There was something…Nice about it; something comforting, and she dared to think it at the time she discovered that Noriko was OK with it, exciting about it.

She loved to stroke Noriko's shiny black hair, feel the cool silken strands fall through her fingers, the shortness of it encouraging her to do it again and again. She quickly grew accustomed to the feel of Noriko's arms around her when they hugged; the feel of Noriko wanting to be hugged, of wanting to hug Shimako. Shimako was captivated by the freedom to do this, with the idea that Noriko not only welcomed her, but sought her out. The startling sensation and accompanying wonder of Noriko's hand in hers. She remembers the smell of Noriko, the very special smell of her neck near her hairline behind her ear. She remembers how Noriko drew her out. How Noriko's fascination with Buddhism brought them accidentally closer. How Noriko missed her when she was not there. How she misses her now, as much as Shimako misses her. Shimako remembers how she left Noriko, how she had to because, and she silently apologises to Noriko as she does, hoping somehow that the universe can carry her feelings for her to Noriko's heart, she was simply terrified of what it meant to love Noriko the way Noriko wanted to love her. She never said to Noriko that yes, she did want to, she did, but she was not ready. She may never be ready. All she had said was I'm sorry, repeatedly, which did nothing to alleviate Noriko's upset, nor her own.

I should have, Shimako thinks, as she flips to another picture of Noriko, her favourite one, even if it does raise some very vivid emotions. This one was taken at Shimako's last sports festival. Noriko is quite athletic, and did well in almost everything she took part in, much to Shimako's quiet pride. In this picture Noriko is laughing with Touko as they walk to one of the fields. Tsutako must have been just walking past when she snapped it. It has a sense of 'chance in a million' about it, and when she saw it on Tsutako's computer, she wanted it. Noriko looks tanned and healthy, her face open and alive, her whole posture shouts youth and carefree. She looks vital and energetic. Her trim body in school shorts and tee-shirt looks fit and supple. The coltish, almost-adult structure of her is so appealing that Shimako can feel her heart speeding up just looking at her. She is very glad that Tsutako could capture this moment, because it is the image of Noriko that Shimako carries in her.

Shimako remembers that day for one incident in particular, but also for the general feeling of it, which this picture shows. This picture represents her reasons for leaving as she did. She remembers that Noriko was in such a good mood that day, more than her usual stable temperament. Something about running around in the sunshine had energised Noriko and she was nice to be with. Her mood had been contagious, and Shimako had found herself joining in with the giddiness and messing about. The sunlight and the heat, the atmosphere, magnified and intensified her feelings that day, and she lost the run of herself. She smiles now, sitting in dreary London, looking at the sunshine of Tokyo, looking at the laughing Noriko, but she feels a combination of guilt and regret strike a chord so acutely, that she has to breathe deep to maintain her composure. Even though no one is here to see her lose control, she has cried enough over this. And yet, and yet, and yet.

D

Shimako is gathering up equipment from a finished event. It is only Noriko and she left, as this is the last of it. As Shimako bobs up and down picking up balls, she cannot help but notice on her bob ups how attractive Noriko looks today. The heat has caused sweat to dampen her hair and make it stick to her neck, and for some reason, Shimako finds this particularly distracting. It accentuates Noriko's neck and Shimako finds her gaze returning to it again and again. Her arms that are currently holding baskets look tanned and strong. As she turns and walks away from Shimako to pick up more baskets to add to her collection, Shimako eyes Noriko's calves, the softly defined muscles exposed between the top of her socks and the end of her shorts are for one reason or another, more noticeable than usual. Shimako wonders if she ever looked at another girl this way. Has she ever looked at anybody this way? Has she ever noticed the way someone moved, or walked, or thought about their calf muscles? Perhaps because she can see Noriko's body more today which is unusual. But, she has seen many girls this way yet she does not pay attention to them. They do not preoccupy the way Noriko does.

Shimako trails behind Noriko, picking up the last of the errant balls, and they can now take the last of their loads to the storage rooms. Still following Noriko, Shimako studies her body in her summer P.E. gear, liking how agile Noriko looks. The white tee-shirt stretches across Noriko's shoulders, drawing attention to how slender the girl is. She has her tee-shirt tucked into her dark shorts, subtly emphasising the flare of her hips. These uniforms, like their regular ones, are not designed to show off the body, the opposite actually, but some things cannot help but reveal themselves. How pretty, is Shimako's foremost thought. They are almost at the storage rooms, and for once, Shimako is looking forward to going into them, because the heat today is horrific, and any chance to get out of the sun's eye is not to be passed up. Noriko precedes her and immediately begins rearranging baskets to make room for her own. Carefully placing her own basket of soft balls on the ground, Shimako is in no rush, and takes advantage of the gloom, allowing her eyes to get used to the switch from outside to inside. She watches Noriko stand on a small step ladder left out for the occasion to readjust baskets up on the shelf, making her stretch. Shimako warns her to be careful, and Noriko lightly waves away her concern. Shimako watches Noriko as she makes room for both their loads.

She comes down off the ladder, and reaches for Shimako's basket, smiling at her. Noriko stretches up close to Shimako, to try and wrestle the basket into place, but something is catching. She struggles with it. As she does, Shimako sees that Noriko's tee-shirt is flat against her belly as she raises her arms, and the action is creating a gap between the waistband of her shorts and her belly. Shimako moves closer to her, keeping her eyes on that small gap, helplessly wanting to see more. She feels excitement building in her, which is not that unusual considering it is Noriko she is looking at, her petite soeur who she likes to touch. It is not so unusual for Shimako to experience excitement when she is with Noriko, when she sees her, but this feels slightly different. She moves closer to Noriko, who is getting annoyed at the basket's inability to follow her commands, still with that enticing gap where her stomach stretches and her shorts loosen.

Shimako reaches out her hand and places it on Noriko's belly, her fingers slightly inside the gap and they both freeze. In the gloom of the storage rooms, with the sun blazing outside, the sweat trickling down both of them is the only movement in this room. Shimako feels the heat of Noriko through her tee-shirt, looks at the tips of her fingers edging inside the waistband of her shorts. Noriko moves then, just her head, to look at the hand on her, to look at where Shimako's hand is resting. Shimako watches Noriko's slow movement, and feels a sudden savage embarrassment about what she has done, but she somehow thinks it would be worse to just take her hand back. She feels a little trapped. Noriko is the first to break the silence.

-Is this real?

The wonder in her voice is tantalising to Shimako for reasons she does not understand, but it makes her glad she has not moved her hand. The tone of Noriko's quiet voice makes her want to touch her more, to confirm this reality. Shimako does not move.

-I had…wanted…

There is a slight hitch in Noriko's voice, like she is losing her breath. Shimako can feel she is taking short shallow breaths. There is a dreamy quality to Noriko's voice that makes Shimako wonder if indeed this is a highly detailed lucid dream of some description that perhaps she went for a nap at some point and this is what this is. But the warmth under her hand, the sounds of cheering from the sports fields all put lie to that. She is not dreaming. She really has put her hand on her petite soeur in a manner which cannot easily be explained away. Noriko relaxes out of her position, turning, which pushes Shimako's fingers further into her shorts. Shimako can feel herself begin to tremble. Noriko puts her hand on Shimako's forearm, turning a little more. She strokes her forearm, and then runs her hand all the way up her arm, until her hand rests lightly on her shoulder and finally looks at her. Noriko's dark, dark eyes, darker in here, her face soft and wondering are turned to her. Shimako feels her mouth go dry. If Noriko takes a step toward her, then her hand will slide all the way down and she will touch…But Noriko is not taking a step. She is looking at Shimako, and Shimako is looking back and in this storage room in late summer, they stand and make no move. They are standing and looking, wondering and afraid, both wanting something to happen, locked together in this velvet heat, this secret dark.

E

Shimako rests the photo album on her backpack, leaving it open on the laughter of Noriko. She sits back against the wardrobe, hugging her knees to her, her gaze on the rain of England, drizzling its grey way to the equally grey concrete of the town that exists outside her window. She hugs herself tight, remembering the sensations of her body. The sparkling heat between her legs, the nervous churning of her stomach, her heart so loud and fast! Of Noriko's dark eyes and her hand on her shoulder. The heat, the sweat, the almost secret feeling of the storage room, where in reality, anyone could have walked in at any moment, but that did not occur to her at the time. Shimako wishes that there was only one time when they almost crossed a line. Perhaps then, it would not have been so bad. A one-time thing that did not get Noriko's hopes up the way it did, only to have them put down. But there were several occasions when Shimako, always Shimako, pushed things a little too far. Would hug Noriko for too long, too close, or would be caught looking, knowing she had been caught thinking something really inappropriate.

But with Noriko, was it really inappropriate? Noriko made it clear that she was not adverse to Shimako's attentions. No. Noriko was not the problem. It was Shimako that was, and probably still is, the problem. When she finally told Noriko she was leaving the country that was not the first time she broke both their hearts. She knows this, and feels the weight of guilt. Shimako wonders when this will pass, or if it has become a part of her now. She wonders if she will ever stop feeling that she does not deserve love. She never did explain properly to Noriko that she pushed her away because she felt guilty for wanting her, and felt that Noriko was too good for her. Noriko intimated, more than once, that she thought Shimako's deep sense of religiosity held her back. Tried to say to Shimako that love is OK, and did she not have a good example of two girls loving each other with her best friend and her Onee-sama. But part of Shimako could not move past a certain point with Noriko, and it had nothing to do with Shimako's religious leanings, and that was not easily explained, not even to herself. How could she articulate to Noriko that which she was scared to broach in her own mind? She had to leave, she had to get away, or she would have hurt them both a lot worse. She made that decision for the both of them, and accepted the responsibility of it.

She turns her head and looks at the picture of Noriko again. Laughing beautiful Noriko, sublime in her youth and energy, captured for as long as this piece of paper lasts, which will probably be longer than both of them, longer than any memory of a love that might have been, an unconsummated gulf of what if... That day she almost touched that. That day, Shimako came as close as she ever did to jumping into Noriko's life and the regret of not doing so is almost as sharp as the guilt.

I should have.

Maybe.