Chapter 7 - Acts of God, and Ousting Attempts


"Pre-eclampsia?!" Brian repeated, shocked. It was the next day, and Brian was having another phone chat with Vinny.

"That's what the vet said," Vinny replied inside the attic. "He said it's the second common death cause in pregnancies. And if left untreated, Barbara is gonna have seizures, and she and the second litter ain't gonna make it if this happens."

"Oh, no," Brian feared. "What can be done to treat it?"

"The only known treatment for pre-eclampsia," Vinny began, "is for the second letter is to be delivered ASAP."

"But it's too early for them to be born!" Brian shrugged. "They wouldn't survive!"

"They're admitting her right now to keep observation so that she could survive," Vinny replied. "Listen, B, I gotta go and say goodbye to her before they drive off. Talk to you later."

With that, Vinny hung up and rushed out of the attic and the house to the front yard, where he saw a scared Peter, Lois and the first litter. Once he saw Barbara, he held her paw.

"Hang in there, Barbs," he shuddered. "Hope you and the second litter survive this."

"Thank you, Vinny," Barbara replied. "Be good to the first litter for me."

"I will," Vinny nodded.

Barbara smiled sadly as the vet closed the ambulance door and drove away with her. The puppies were scared as they watched.

"Where is he taking her?" Marcus asked.

"Your mother is sick," Vinny replied. "The vet's taking her to watch her for a few days to make sure she gets better."

Vinny and the puppies watched as Peter and Lois walked inside looking almost as sad as they were since the accident. The puppies looked at each other more scared than they had ever been.

"What's going to happen to us," Briana began to ask, "if we lose our mother for real, Uncle Vinny?"

"Don't worry, puppies," Vinny assured. "I'll be here for you while your mother's away."

"Thanks," Jenny replied.

And with that, the puppies hugged their uncle, being nice to him for the first time. Stewie walked outside and repulsed the sight.

"God, what a jerk," he remarked. "If he thinks he's sticking around, he's sorely mistaken. I'm going to ruin him, just like I ruined that magician's act."

Cutaway: A magician had just performed his sawing-in-half trick on his assistant before Stewie ran to the stage in front.

"People," he addressed the applauding audience, "people, people." The audience stopped applauding. "This man drives a Saturn."


Back at the Flannigan house, Brian paced back and forth in worry, in front of Dylan, in the living room.

"Oh, God," he shuddered, "this is all my fault. If I hadn't faked my death, Barbara wouldn't have pre-eclampsia. Oh, what the hell am I gonna do, Dylan?"

"Maybe you should just go back to Quahog and confess everything to the Griffins," Dylan suggested.

"I would," Brian replied, "but that would be a last resort. The Griffins would be so angry with me if they found out. Stewie would be angry with me. And you need me a lot more than they do, with your mother being missing and everything."

"Maybe God can help, Brian," said a voice.

"What the...?" Brian gasped, shocked. "Death?"

The Grim Reaper himself had suddenly entered the Flannigan house.

"What are you doing here?" Brian shrugged. "Did you come here to confirm Tracy's fate?"

"Not just that, Brian," Death replied. "I came here to fetch you, because God needs you for something very important. Usually, I come here to take a recently-deceased soul, but this time, it's about your second litter with Barbara."

"Why do you need my dad, Mr. Death?" Dylan asked.

"That's classified information, Dylan," Death replied. "By the way, your mother is still alive, but comatose."

"Where is she?"

"She's currently at the Rhode Island Hospital in Eddy Street," Death replied. "I suggest momentary visits in hopes that she recovers. But you must have permission from the nursing staff before you let your father in." Turning to Brian, he continued, "Okay, Brian, let's go."

And with a tap of his scythe on the floor, both Death and Brian disappeared in a flash.


Both Brian and Death appeared in Heaven, but not all was what it seemed it would be. Many of the residents of Heaven were shown to be relaxing, with Heaven depicted as a spa.

"Hello, Brian," God addressed, arms crossed. "I see that you've been carrying out your 'faking your death' plan. And I saw how much it hurt your human family members. But while I am glad that your canine family members know you're still alive, there's something we need to talk about."

"Why would I need your help, God?" Brian shrugged. "I'm a devout atheist."

"Just because you're atheist," God replied, "doesn't mean that you can't be excepted into either Heaven or Hell." He sighed, then. "Now, I already know that your mate, Barbara, is about to bear a second litter. But I also know that both of the puppies are going to be born dead."

Brian gasped. "Oh, no," Brian feared. "God, isn't there anything you can do to help save them?"

"Barbara's condition has gotten worse due to missing you, Brian," God replied. "But there is a way for me to save them. That way is called 'reincarnation', and it's going to require a couple of souls who have ascended here."

Brian looked around to see who would be the two candidates for the job.

"Before you ask, Brian," God began, "New Brian, whom you and the rest of the Griffins thought has ended up either here or in Hell, isn't in either place. He was resurrected shortly after, but is currently held prisoner. But it might not worry you until sometime after I help the second litter. So, choose the two candidates wisely."

Brian thought for a few seconds.

"I think I know just the ones," he said.


Back at the Griffins' house on Earth, Vinny was sunbathing in the backyard, sitting in a lawn chair, with the sun's light reflecting on the tanning mirror, unaware that Stewie, with a skunk in a cage in front of him, was near the entrance to the kitchen and holding his teddy bear, Rupert.

"All right, Rupert," Stewie whispered. "Once this skunk sprays Vinny, Lois and the fat man will want him out of the house immediately."

Stewie opened the cage, letting the skunk loose to do its business on Vinny. Once it did, he smiled evilly.

"Hey!" Vinny shouted. "Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey! Oh! Again!"


We see Vinny in a tomato-juice-filled bathtub, and talking on his cellular phone, later that day.

"Hey, Ma," he said. "Remember, I told you, one day I'd be swimming in marinara?" Pause. "Ma? Ma, turn down the TV!"


Back in heaven, Brian found what appeared to be Stewie wearing a suit, with blood splattered on his head. He rushed to the figure.

"Oh, there you are," Brian addressed.

"Oh," the Stewie figure greeted coldy. "Hello, Mr. 'I sold my friend to an enforcer and let him kill me'."

"Stewie," Brian replied, "I was sent over to Heaven just so I could help Barbara."

"Yeah, right," the figure didn't believe him. "You're just here to betray me again, like you did in Vegas."

"All right," Brian sighed. "I'm sorry for selling you and having the enforcer kill you, but if I don't bring you and another to God soon, my second litter with Barbara will die!"

"That's your problem!" the figure pointed menacingly. "Go find someone else, you dick!"

"What's going on here?" a Brian-sounding figure asked off-camera.

The owner of the voice, Brian's clone, who still had the black eyes and messed-up fur, and some blood wounds on his chest, walked over to Brian and the Stewie clone, whom we will call here. The Stewie clone widened his eyes.

"What the hell?" he said. "Two Brians?"

"Yes," Brian replied. "He's a clone I created using the machine you used to transport us to Vegas. And by the way, you're a clone of the real Stewie Griffin."

"I'm what?!" Clone Stewie shouted.

"It's true," Clone Brian replied. "You're a clone, too. And I couldn't help but overhear that you're in need of help back on Earth. If you want the second litter to be saved, at least, then you've found your two candidates for the reincarnation."

"What?" Clone Stewie protested. "No way, I'm not going back as long as the traitor's still alive!" He pointed at Brian on this.

"Either we help Brian," Clone Brian glared at Stewie, "or the second litter dies. You don't have a choice!"

Clone Stewie glared at both Brians. With no choice, Clone Stewie shouted, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

"Thank you," Brian replied, "though I don't think God would like it if you said that."

"Shut the **** up," Clone Stewie retorted.


Back at the Griffins' house on Earth, Vinny sat on the living room couch watching TV, and wearing his collar again. Stewie glared from atop the stairs.

"All right, Rupert," Stewie addressed his teddy bear. "I've been left with no choice. I'm going to tell Vinny so much bad news about Italian-Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest."

He went downstairs with a sad look on his face and addressed Vinny.

"Vinny, there you are. I have some terrible news. Sal Annuncio's kid was killed by a falling piano!"

"Ohhhhh!" Vinny shouted, clutching his heart. "How could this happen?! That kid was an honors student! He'd just applied to SUNY Albany."

"He just got in to SUNY Albany!" Stewie replied.

"Ohhhhh!" Vinny clutched his heart again. "This is too much, Stewie, I can't take it!"

"Oh, my God," Stewie whispered to Rupert, "it's working."

"Oh, no you don't," Briana glared at Stewie, coming out of the kitchen. Addressing Vinny, she continued, "Hey, good news: Bobby Lammaduro's kid just got out of the hospital. He beat the cancer!"

"Oh, thank heavens," Vinny said, relieved. Air-drawing a cross over his chest, he continued, "Big man in the sky knows what he's doing."

Vinny walked away, happy. However, Stewie turned to Briana angrilly.

"What the hell have you done, you little bitch?" he asked.

"Saved my uncle, that's what!" Briana shouted at Stewie before punching him into a state of unconsciousness.


Back in heaven, both the clones stood in place for the reincarnation to begin. However, Clone Stewie had his arms crossed, glaring at Clone Brian.

"I still think this is a stupid idea," Clone Stewie growled.

"Oh, shut up," Clone Brian replied. "Brian wants to help Barbara."

"Now, remember, Brian," God addressed, "while the clones are reincarnated, you must do the right thing and tell the Griffins the truth. And that would count as a good deed. Only then will you be admitted into heaven."

"But I still want all of Quahog to think I'm dead," Brian replied, "and I'd like to keep it that way, and..."

"Brian," Death interrupted. "I think it's for the best."

"But," Brian replied, "Dylan needs me. And he can't go to school or work without a parent or guardian taking him."

Both God and Death looked at each other with uneasy looks. God then sighed.

"All right," he said. "But the Griffins still need to know what you're doing." Turning to the clones, he continued, addressing them, "Ready?"

The clones glared at each other, but replied, "Ready."

God pointed a finger at them, and the two turned into piles of sand, which were then placed inside two hourglasses; one for each of the second litter. The reincarnation ceremony was complete.

"All right, Brian," God addressed. "Time to head on back."

Brian smiled, shedding tears of joy. "Thank you, God," he said. "Are you going to make sure Barbara will live through this?"

"Barbara will survive," God replied. "I'm sure of it."

And with that, Death tapped his scythe, and both Brian and Death vanished from Heaven.


Both Brian and Death appeared in front of the Quahog Veterinary Clinic, but Brian didn't expect to appear there.

"The vet?" he said, surprised. "Isn't this where Barbara's at?"

"Yes, Brian," Death replied. "God wanted to make sure that you tell the Griffins the truth when they get here."

Brian sighed. "All right. But I gotta make sure that Barbara's doing all right, at least. Thanks, Death."

"Anytime, Brian," Death replied.

Brian rushed inside. As soon as he did, the receptionist didn't expect to see him.

"Hey, aren't you the Griffins' previous family dog who kicked the bucket last month?" she addressed.

"That's not important," Brian replied. "Is Barbara all right?"

"Why don't you talk to her yourself?" the receptionist replied. "She's in the room you passed on at."

Brian walked on over to the room. When he did, he heard the sound of two newborn puppies whimpering, and he gasped, smiling. The second litter was born healthy.


Author's note: The Stewie Clone was the same one that got killed in "Roads to Vegas", and opposed to VBG's original plot for the second litter to be born dead in "Goodbye, Brian My Love", I figured, since I didn't want Barbara to suffer, and since this is a rewrite with combined elements from "Secret Life", for them to be born healthy through the pre-eclampsia.