The thing about living in a single locale for days or weeks on end with only one companion was that Loki got very bored very quickly. He often thought about just leaving and exploring, but that confounded wolf was always standing guard and he didn't relish the thought of getting torn to pieces. In short order, he had read through the books he had brought from Jotunheim and Farbauti's journal several times. Since Angrboda left him alone most times and provided distraction only as long as she yelled at him, Loki ended up sleeping most of the day. As a result, he would often wake to find the fire-Jotünn staring at him.
So when the time came for the roles to be reversed, Loki slipped out of his bed and sat next to the dim fire, staring at her.
"Let's see how you like it!" he muttered with glee.
She didn't wake, and Loki found himself gazing at her with an entirely different reason. She was curled against Fenrir's pale underbelly, her head resting on her lithe limbs. There was a softness about her as she lay there. Vulnerable. The hard lines of her cheekbones and chin were less pronounced, her hair falling in flaming waves.
He understood, very suddenly, why she liked watching him sleep. The trust there was in sleeping, being utterly defenceless with another being in the room was... extremely intimate.
Loki shook the thought from his head, and quietly retrieved Farbauti's journal. Sitting next to the dim fire, he flipped through until he found the passage of when his mother realised that she carried him.
I knew the moment you were conceived. It is a gift among Jotünn women, though I was never certain that I would inherit it, being half-Vanir. The moment when I knew I would carry you was the deepest of my life. I can feel you, little one, inside of me, growing day by day. You're as warm as your father.
I have often wondered if Atum knew as I did. I suppose I never will know. I should have told him. It is my largest regret that I did not. At least then I would know for certain that he knew, instead of constantly wondering if would still have left.
Atum kissed her forehead, his arms around her, as he settled back on the bed. Farbauti rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. He was so warm, she didn't need any of her blankets. The soft glow of warmth in her belly made her lips curl into a smile.
"Are you alright?"
Farbauti pressed herself to Atum's warmth and nodded. He always asked. Always concerned for her.
"Are you hungry?" she asked.
"No."
"Can I do anything for you?"
Atum carded his fingers through her hair and he kissed her again. She smiled and lifted her face to his, prolonging the kiss. She thought about telling him what she knew occurred just moments ago, but what if she was wrong? She knew she wasn't... but what if she was? She wasn't going to risk him thinking she was trying to back him into a corner.
She rested her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was strong, just like his arms around her, like the muscles sculpted under his golden skin. She traced the shape of his muscles, loving how Atum kept carding his fingers through the knots in her hair. This closeness, this unity, she had never felt with anybody else. She wished that it could last forever.
"Are you afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Me."
"No." Farbauti looked up, confused at the question. His ice-green eyes gazed at her with such longing that she had to repress a shiver. "I am afraid of this war, though."
"The war with Asgard."
Farbauti nodded. "If Asgard wins what will become of me, Laufey's..." she floundered. His slave, yes, but his lover, too. Or were lovers only those who loved each other? She shared his bed but only because she was afraid of the consequences should she refuse. "What am I? I am not even his concubine. But I could still give him a son. He remains childless by his wives... But this war has had one benefit. He has not had time to want me in nigh a year."
Farbauti pressed herself closer to Atum. She hoped that Laufey would die in this war, but thus far the Aesir had not been so gracious as to kill him.
"I have heard that the war goes well for Jotunheim."
"And if Laufey is victorious, what happens then? It was announced that Odin has a son. In the middle of this war, life still grows. If Asgard loses the war, the child will be killed, and Laufey will make his mother watch." The thought of having to watch her own child made Farbauti's heart clench with fear. She would have to entice Laufey soon, so he would think that when her belly swelled with child, it was with his seed.
She shivered at the thought of willingly going to Laufey's bed.
"Laufey could not make his mother do anything," Atum said in a half-amused, half-angry tone. "He does not know who the child's mother even is."
Farbauti frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Odin's wife did not give birth. Did you not wonder why the son was announced, not the son's birth nor the queen's pregnancy?"
"I thought, because of the war, Odin would want to protect them."
"No. The little Aesir prince is my brother. Gaea has chosen to give Odin an heir."
Farbauti pushed herself to her elbows, looking at her lover's face. He adverted his eyes, trying to mask the sorrow on his face. She wanted to kiss away his sadness. "Have you seen him?"
Atum slid out of the bed and began to dress, his shoulders tensing. "No. Nor have I any intention to ever meet the mewling whelp."
Farbauti pushed herself up her brow furrowing. "He is your brother, though."
"So?"
He hardness of Atum's voice made Farbauti gaze sadly at him. He turned and looked at her. No. He stared at her as though he was trying to memorize her face. He sat beside her, putting his arms around her, and kissed her deeply.
So this was it. Farbauti smiled sadly when Atum pulled away. He never kissed her before he left.
"Good-bye, my lord."
Atum's brows rose. "Good-bye?"
"You have never kissed me like that before. You mean not to return."
He cupped her face, his ice-green eyes not leaving her blood-red ones. "Good-bye, Farbauti."
She would miss the way he said her name. If she told him about the warmth in her belly? Or would he think that she was lying to make him stay, or take her with him? Fear wrestled with hope. Would he take her with him? Would he take her away from this place? But where would she go? Jotunheim was her home. Her mother's and father's bones were here. She belonged to the ice. There was no-where else for her to go.
And maybe, just maybe, this wasn't goodbye, not yet. Maybe he would come back. But he wouldn't if he thought she was attempting artifice to keep him.
"May I tell you something first, before you leave?" she whispered. There was one small truth that she needed him to know.
Atum nodded.
Farbauti talked hesitantly. "The first time you came- I had decided to end myself that night. But then... you were there. You were so warm and gentle and... I love you. I needed you, and you were there."
Atum rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes, and his voice was hardly more than a whisper. "I needed you, too."
Farbauti closed her eyes and breathed deeply. "Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
I should have told him. If I could now, I would. But I didn't, and I can only hope that one day, eventually, that he and I will see each other again. That you will know the man who was your father.
Angrboda cried out in her sleep. Loki glanced up from the journal to see her pressing herself against Fenrir's belly, shivering and cowering.
"Papa, no!" she screamed, and jerked awake. Her blood-red eyes met Loki's ice-green ones across the fire. In an instant, she was on her feet, angrily brushing down her leather dress, her hands shaking.
"What are you doing?" she snapped.
"Reading." He held up the journal as proof.
"Waste of time," she declared.
"You're only saying that because I was witness to you having a bad dream and now you're angry and embarrassed."
"What would you know?"
Loki shrugged. He set aside his book. "Are we really going to get into this again?"
Angrboda's eyes narrowed. "Get into what?"
"Fighting. That's all it seems we do, and to be quite honest I am getting tired of it."
Angrboda hesitated a moment and then sank to the floor again. "We don't always fight, but I do see your point. But it's not like I can seduce you into agreeing to be my husband, can I? You find me disgusting."
Loki frowned. "No."
"No?"
"No. I think you're clever and determined, and you know what you want." Loki closed his mouth for a moment. "And... It seems to me that Jotunheim would benefit from your rule."
Angrboda's head tilted. "I can't rule without you."
Loki looked down at the journal. "You said you knew Farbauti."
"Yes."
"Tell me something about her."
"Is that a request or an order?"
Loki's lips twitched. "A request. Please tell me something about her."
"She was kind. I grew up being passed around by Laufey's wives because he couldn't be bothered to take care of me himself. Occasionally I was left in Farbauti's care." Angrboda picked at her thumb. "I was not as kind as I should have been, I think. She was very patient with me, though." She was silent for a long moment. "I was at her abode one day when Laufey sought her in his drunkenness. He was furious that I would spend time with a slave. She shielded me with her body, and sent me running away while she took Laufey's anger on herself, to spare me..."
Loki shivered. Angrboda saw and sliced off a chunk of hair for the fire. The light flared up. Fenrir rolled over and began to snore.
"If nothing else, at least we have our hatred for him in common," Angrboda murmured.
"You have more reason than me to hate him, though," Loki replied just as quickly. "But I am glad that I killed him."
"So am I. I wish I had had the courage to slay him far earlier."
"You would have been killed, though."
"But would Jotunheim be so ruined?"
Loki couldn't reply. He stood and paced away, sighing. "Do you really think that I could help you rebuild? I tried to destroy this place once before, and..."
"And what?"
"I once very nearly destroyed Asgard."
Angrboda's brow furrowed. "Perhaps a little bit of context is warranted."
Loki growled with self-annoyance. The woman didn't need to know his life story! "When I was a child, I inadvertently summoned Chthon to Asgard*. You know who Chthon is?"
Angrboda nodded hesitantly.
"He's an Elder god, a powerful demon bent on the destruction of the nine realms, the worse-"
"I said I knew! You don't have to assume that I'm lying to cover up my ignorance."
Loki shrugged. "He took Thor and Sif to the Flickering Realm, and I followed because I thought I could help." He stopped suddenly. He had never told anybody about this, except those who already knew. His eyes met Angrboda's, and he did not see the condemnation that he expected. Her gaze was steady. Not shrewd or cunning, just listening patiently.
"Sif, Thor and Sigyn were the only friends I had," Loki said quietly. "Chthon attacked Sigyn for being Jord's granddaughter. And Sif and Thor were taken to the Flickering Realm. I nearly killed the only friends I had... Others were killed that day. Sif's father, three servants and nearly a dozen guards. And that was when I knew..."
"Knew what?"
"That no matter how hard I tried to be good and great... I could be nothing but evil."
The rawness of his confession burned his throat, and he wished he could take it all back. And yet, it was a relief to finally saw the words that had weighed on his mind for centuries. Even when he had woken from nightmares to find his mother there, he had never really said what he meant. He suspected that he talked in his sleep, but she had never said anything.
"I don't think that you're evil." Angrboda said slowly. "I think you're stubborn and arrogant, but not evil."
"I think you're stubborn and arrogant, too."
"Thank you," Angrboda replied swiftly, and then she bit her lower lip and giggled. It was quite becoming.
Stop it, Loki warned himself.
"I once stole a bottle of ale from Laufey's store," Angrboda said, her amusement dying. "And I hid it in a servant's abode because she had slapped me earlier. When Laufey found the bottle, he thought she had stolen it. He took her to the temple, summoned his closest generals... I wanted to see what they'd do, so I hid behind the altar and watched." She barely repressed a shiver. "It was before you were born, but I'm not certain how much earlier."
"What happened to her?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know what Jotunheim would consider an appropriate punishment for theft."
Angrboda rolled her eyes. "Laufey was never concerned with the appropriateness of his punishments."
Loki's gaze dropped for a moment. "Were you discovered?"
"No. But a girl was killed in the most brutal of ways because I had an angry moment. That was when I decided that one day I would kill my father."
Loki paced away, thinking, but there wasn't far that he could go. He stood with his back to Angrboda and her wolf for a long time. The mood of the room was heavy. Too heavy. He forced a smile on his face and turned back.
"Were you really going to try to seduce me?"
Angrboda shrugged. "It was an option I was considering, before I met you. A desperate one, but a clever girl uses whatever means is necessary to reach her goal."
"Before you met me?"
"Yes."
"I must be truly repulsive then," Loki growled teasingly, stalking forward.
Angrboda's brows furrowed. "Are you trying to seduce me now?"
Loki stopped. "What?!"
"Don't look at me like that, you were being all..." Angrboda shrugged. "I have to go hunt."
Fenrir bounded to his feet, tail wagging furiously.
"No," Angrboda said to the wolf, cradling its massive head in her arms. "Stay with Loki."
The wolf whined and flopped back to the floor.
"Yes, you poor baby," the fire-Jotünn crooned, digging her hands through Fenrir's rough scruff. She hugged him and left without another word.
Loki stood still for a while before walking around the fire to pat Fenrir's head. The wolf huffed at him, but didn't pull away. "I guess it's just you and me and our thoughts. Seducing her. Why would she think that? Huh? As though I would try to seduce a Jotünn..."
He suddenly had the thought that she might be listening, and fell silent, feeling guilty.
#
*For more information, check out Marvel-Tolkien Fangirl's Shadows and Regrets.
