The Great Sharpener Man
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Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Ball or its characters.
Now, lez rock dis joint housewife style, sucka-foo. *cough*
Chapter 7: Bakuretsu Muteki Shyapuna
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Previously . . . FIRE!!!
The smoke and fire caused our great hero to lose consciousness before he could save his beloved from his own death trap. Fortunately for him, his rat had returned from a certain Evil Wizard's pants to save that one guy with the blonde hair and large, powerful muscles that was previously referred to as 'our great hero'.
"Squeak!" Everyone stared in shock as a horrible rat leapt through the flames and latched onto Saiyaman's cape. It dragged him out of the fire and into the darkness, leaving Videl to roast. The fact that a rodent could possess such strength and determination was inspiring, so a few brave souls attempted to save Videl, only to burn to death. Those poor, poor fools never had a chance. With Saiyaman out of commission and a deadly ring of fire encircling the precious Satan girl, how could she possibly live to see another school dance?
~!~
The next day, Sharpener awoke in a very comfortable bed, much to his surprise. He attempted to remove himself from the soft furniture in order to use the restroom, but was for some reason unable to. He found that he was wrapped in bandages, and that he could no longer see out of one eye. They were very itchy and red; much like his skin was when he tried to create clothes out of a pretty bush while on a camping trip. That was a splendid venture, but the time for going into detail of it is not now.
Upon further inspection of his godly body, Sharpener came to a shocking realization. One of his legs was no longer present. He searched in vain for the missing limb, but soon came to accept the fact that it was gone, and gone for good. Another alarming insight came to him then: Saiyaman would be unable to protect the city if he had no leg. Without Saiyaman, criminals would be able to walk the streets freely and take whatever they wanted from the fine citizens of his city. If Saiyaman was not around, Videl could easily be . . . .
"Ah crap, I killed Videl last night, didn't I," Sharpener remembered. Just then, an extremely annoying clicking sound was heard by Sharpener down the hallway. He recognized it immediately as his best buddy's claws pattering against the floor.
"Squeak," Tom told Sharpener as he handed the blonde boy a newspaper.
--Satan's Daughter Saved by Stunning School Friend
Friday night, a young man by the name of Son Gojan rescued Mister Satan's daughter Videl from a fiery death.
The boy boldly rushed through a massive flame that erupted and encircled Videl, then carefully brought her to a safer place. Son was offered a great reward from the fantastic World Champion, but gratefully declined.
Authorities say that the fire may have been caused by The Great Saiyaman in an attempt to gain a monopoly on the crime-fighting industry . . . . --
There it was, in black in white, and in the very language which Sharpener best comprehended. Everyone thought that the villain was a hero and the hero a villain. Sharpener could only handle so many disappointments in one day. One more might send him through the roof like Steve Urkel's rocket ship that he made as a science project with Laura in that one episode of 'Family Matters.' Shortly after recovering from the news which had been brought, Sharpener was greeted by his mother.
"Good morning sleepy-head!" She sang out. "I brought you some pancakes and toast!" The lovely little lady placed a food tray on her son's lap, and then began feeding him with a plastic fork. "Sorry, you're not good enough for silverware," she told him. "Oh, and I suppose I should tell you that you've been scarred for life and now look like a horrible monster." The sweet and kind female then held up a mirror for Sharpener to see his now hideous face. His skin was no longer smooth and friendly to the touch. It had become rough and bumpy like an armadillo's buttocks. The long, golden locks that had won so many 'Pretty Man Hair' contests had been burnt off.
"No!" Sharpener cried out as he attempted to launch himself through the roof, but then remembered that he was not a rocket. "How will I win Videl now, if I'm a monster?" The idea that he and his love could never be together again sent the poor boy into a fit of rage. He began kicking and screaming with all his might, until his mother slapped him.
"Shut the hell up and eat your food!" The weakened warrior did as he was told.
"Squeak," Tom suggested.
"Good gravy Tom, that's brilliant! All I have to do is threaten to kill Videl, and then have the Wizard use his magic to restore my beautiful features. If he ever wants his gold, he'll have to do it. What would I ever do without you, Tom?"
"Squeak," Tom answered.
"You think so?" All this rat talk had been pissing Sharpener's mother off, so she left the room. "Well, I guess we best be getting started, pal!" With that said Sharpener grabbed a red bandana with white polka dots and tied it over his bald head. He then placed an eye patch over his damaged sense organ and shoved a peg up his leg. "Yar! Sharpener be mad pimpin' in dis piece!"
~!~
Yo ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Sharpener's in the house rhymin' like a biatch, son!
You best hide your wenches and call for your mum
'Cause this bad S.o.B. is out for some fun!
With the same goal but with a mad madder style
Brotha Sharpy's gonna go the extra mile
Although he'll be gone for a while
Due to the fact that he's got a busted smile
In case you haven't been paying attention
I've got two intentions
One is to send that Son Wizard into the next dimension
The other is to make Videl my possession
Yo, yo son, this is it
Just like my pants, this plan fits
And although you might not want to admit
I am a man of incredible wit
So grab my ass and kiss my crack
'Cause yo' homie Sharpener is back
He be plannin' his attack
So get ready for him to rock this shack
I be Invincible and Explosive
The rhymes I spew is mad corrosive
And Son Gohan, for the pain that you did give
I will no longer allow you to live
~!~
After spending a week recovering from his burns, Sharpener returned to school. The new peg leg made and intimidating 'clack' as it slapped the floor. His fellow students turned their empty heads in horror when they saw him walk past them. Sharpener was quite pleased that they feared him, for it would make his plans work much better. With new determination, and confidence, he approached Videl.
"Don't worry sweet heart, I'll save you." He then left the baffled babe for his classroom and offered the deadly wizard that stood next to her a death glare and a threat that he was sure he could back up. "You'll get yours, kid. You'll get yours."
~!~
That chapter was short and lacked humor, but it was very important. Another important thing is the fact that I love you all. Don't do drugs.
Angry and Pointless A/N: I really don't like it when the author goes out of her/his way to note that the characters are speaking Japanese, then mixes in Japanese insults and such with English. If you're already pretending that they're speaking Japanese, then what the hell is the point?
