Chapter 7: I Won't Feel if I Don't Look

Renji woke to find himself alone in Tetsuya's bed and sighed softly, shaking his head at how difficult a night it had been.

He barely sleeps at all, really. And when he does, Byakuya's memory haunts him. The healer was right. He needs something...someone. But after what I did...yeah, I was in knots myself, but I only hurt both of us by making love to him like that. I wasn't even thinking. Now, it's all that I can think about. I want to take it back, to hold myself together better and not lose it like that. Still, what's done is done. And because I damaged him more than he already was, I have to find a way to fix that.

But how?

"Good morning, Abarai taichou," said Torio, bowing briefly and moving to lay out Renji's clothing in the dressing area.

Renji nodded and moved to the dressing area, studying the youth as he solemnly set the redhead's clothes in place.

He was Byakuya's personal attendant...and it looks as though Taichou's death has been really hard on him.

"Torio," the redhead said, looking at the youth's reflection in the mirror, "How are you coping?"

"Me?" said the attendant, looking surprised at the question.

"Yes," said Renji, his eyes softening, "you. I mean, you are his cousin, and you were his attendant. I can see that you're mourning him and I just wondered if there was anything I could do."

Torio gave him a sad smile.

"You are already doing it, Abarai taichou," he said quietly.

"Huh?" said Renji, frowning, "But...Byakuya was your clan leader. He was family to you. He was noble. I am a commoner. I..."

"You are someone who he cared very much about, Abarai taichou," Torio said softly, "An attendant is in a position to see and hear much that others do not. And I was near Byakuya-sama much of the time. He was always very complimentary of you to others...well, after Rukia-chan was cleared of charges, that is. And several times, he indicated worry over you."

Renji flinched at a sudden, painful burst of memory.

"STOP! You must not let him steal your ban kai too!"

He tried to force the thought away, but was quickly assaulted by another.

"Attacking an enemy whose ability you do not understand is a foolish plan that makes you lose several advantages. Watch my battle, and try to understand his ability."

"Then, let me go out first!"

Byakuya hesitated noticeably, looking at him out of the corner of one pained, gray eye.

"I..." he began, then he hesitated, "I do not believe that you have the proper skill necessary to make him reveal the extent of his ability."

Renji closed his eyes, reeling.

Why is it that I didn't hear it when he said it? Why didn't I understand that he was protecting me...that he already knew he was going to lose the battle, perhaps die, and he desperately wanted to save me? It was all there. His words were a lie. What he was really saying was, 'I love you. I am likely to die, but if it is the last thing I do, I am not going to let you die with me. Restore my honor. Don't let me have died in vain, Renji. That would be even more unbearable!' Why do I only hear it now that it can't save him?

"Abarai taichou, are you all right?" asked Torio, bringing him suddenly back to painful awareness.

"Yeah, kid, I'm fine," he said, looking away as Torio finished dressing him.

He started to turn out of the dressing area, but stopped as Torio spoke again.

"Th-there is something I...I have to say, Abarai taichou. I...couldn't before, because, well, we are accustomed to keeping what we see and hear private. But...this burdens me."

A tear leaked out onto the youth's face and slid down his pale cheek.

Renji gazed at him silently for a long moment, then nodded, barely perceptibly.

"It was...shortly...before," Torio said, his voice breaking as he said the words, "It happened in the gardens when he didn't realize I was there..."

Byakuya left Torio behind and walked out into the moonlit gardens. He took in the lovely scent of the flowers, focusing his eyes on a large, red bud.

"The threat of violence, of war is all around us now, Renji," he said, staring at the flower and thinking of the redhead, who was likely already asleep at the division, "I admit I am conflicted, with war on the horizon, should I gather the nerve and tell you what has been in my heart, or should I...but I cannot."

He glanced back at his bedroom, where he imagined that Tetsuya was already in bed, waiting for him.

"Too much pain would be levied against those who have never been anything but faithful, trusting, loving. And I do not wish to abandon the one I love, but only to share the depths of love with you as well, Renji. But that is asking far too much. Perhaps when the war is over, when things have cleared in my mind, I will know what to do."

He sighed softly and touched the red flower with a gentle fingertip. His eye fell suddenly on a white flower that rested, gently touching it, and he thought unexpectedly of his lover.

"Yes, I have been blessed, and I will not turn my back on that blessing in search of another. So, perhaps what we are will have to be enough. But..."

He paused as a single sakura petal drifted down from the tree and landed softly so that it rested on both the red flower and the white.

"If only..."

He broke off, spotting Tetsuya, standing several feet away, dressed in a handsome, dark blue yukata and barefoot.

"Tetsuya?" he whispered, staring and wondering, "Did you...?"

"I was worried about you. But it seems you are occupied with your thoughts. My apologies, Byakuya-sama."

The noble swallowed hard and looked back at the red and white flowers, his heart pounding as a breeze picked up the sakura petal and sent it fluttering away, leaving the red and white flowers gently touching each other.

"Nonsense," he said softly, reaching for Tetsuya's hand, "Come. It is late."

"Yes, Byakuya-sama."

Byakuya turned and touched the younger man's face gently.

"Do not worry, Tetsuya. All will be well. We have weathered conflict before, and this will be no different."

He smiled and reached into his yukata, removing a silver pendant that he placed around his lover's slender throat.

"I saw this in the living world and brought it back for you."

He touched the silver edge, moonlight bouncing off the surface and reflecting in his gray eyes.

"The moon shape represents the cycle of life and rebirth, and the celtic knot, the way each of us is woven into the fabric of life. And the moonstone, your birthstone, Tetsuya, symbolizes self expression, compassion, intuition and balance."

Tetsuya smiled.

"Arigatou, Byakuya-sama, it is lovely."

"I am glad you like it."

"Come now. It is late and you should be sleeping. We both need to be up early, and we have yet one more thing to see to before we close our eyes."

"What is that?" asked Tetsuya, looking at him curiously.

"Come with me," the clan leader said, enigmatically, "You will see."

Torio watched as the two left, then stepped forward. He gazed quietly at the flowers and blinked back tears. He started to leave, but stepped on something. He picked it up and studied it in the moonlight.

"It was this," Torio said, handing Renji another silver charm, this one a celtic sun with a fiery red-brown stone at the center, "I gave it back to Byakuya-sama, and he thanked me and said that it had been a gift for you. He planned to give it to you on your birthday."

Renji stared at the lovely charm longingly.

"It...should really be yours. He meant for you to have it, sir."

Renji sighed.

"Maybe. But he didn't give it to me. And we both know why. Torio, it is disrespectful."

"I didn't mean it to be," the attendant said quickly, "and I agonized over whether or not to tell you. But...I...you were so sad and...I wondered if it would help for you to know."

"I know already what Taichou felt," Renji assured the youth, handing the charm back to him, "I don't need this to remind me. I never forget."

He froze as Tetsuya stepped into the dressing area and caught sight of the pendant in Torio's hand. The attendant's face went white and he swallowed hard, staring into his cousin's eyes and terrified.

"Tetsuya-sama, I..."

Tetsuya captured the pendant in his fingertips and moved forward to where Renji stood, unmoving and silent. He stood in front of the redhead and fastened the pendant around his neck, then stood back and gazed at it approvingly.

"Tetsuya-san..."

"He should have given it to you," the noble said softly, "But for the war and his passing, he would have. Please accept it, Renji-san."

"Tetsuya..."

"You need to stop feeling guilt over this. You could not help what was in his heart, any more than he could. And the gift in his inner torment is that we face the uncertain future a little less alone, Renji-san."

He looked into the redhead's eyes, leaving Renji with the impression of a person of deep wisdom for one so young.

"Fire agate...the red brown stone in the center that is like your eyes, Renji-san...it symbolizes absolute perfection and spiritual fortitude. The Celtic sun symbolizes fertility, healing and source of life...and you have been all of these things to Byakuya-sama...and to me."

"What?" Renji objected, "Tetsuya, I..."

"Stop. Do not say what you are thinking," Tetsuya said solemnly, "I do not regret that the three of us are joined as we are in this child...and you should not either. This birth brings healing to all of us, in that some part of him lives on, and is joined with both of us in a way he would have desired. We must focus on this life that grows and not concern ourselves with guilt."

He turned to Torio and captured his hand lightly.

"Do not worry, Cousin. I did not misunderstand your gesture. Go now and see to your duties."

"Hai, Tetsuya-sama," the youth said, bowing hastily and fleeing the room.

The two men regarded each other silently for a time.

"Thanks," Renji said finally, "for not being too hard on the kid."

"He was devoted to Byakuya-sama," said Tetsuya, glancing in the direction the youth had gone, "He meant no harm."

"But it had to hurt, ne?" Renji said haltingly, "It had to..."

"I admit, I did wonder at first if Byakuya-sama's heart had moved on, but...I came to understand and I do not question. My cousin loved me. And he would never have abandoned either that love or me. He simply loved you as well. He didn't know how to handle that...so he faltered and suffered in silence. And he died, never able to express his heart. That hurts me, Renji-san. This..." he said, touching the charm at the redhead's throat, "brings me healing. To see that you know you were loved sincerely, and seeing Byakuya-sama's heart express itself, though he cannot."

Renji shook his head in frustration.

"I don't understand you sometimes, Tetsuya-san," he sighed, "How you can just..."

"Part of loving a person in honesty is accepting that person and everything that they are. I would have gained nothing but pain through jealousy, so I will not let myself indulge in it. And in truth, it is a comfort that there is someone to share in the loss I feel."

"But I never knew that he..."

"That he loved you romantically? No. But...you knew of the strong, deep connection between you...something that ascends beyond physical love."

"Yeah," the redhead agreed, closing his eyes, "I did feel that...and I still do. Thank you, Tetsuya-san...for this, and for understanding."

Tetsuya smiled.

"Will you come and have breakfast with Rukia and me, then?"

"Ahm," said Renji, taking a breath, "I have to go to the division and check in with the building staff. The supervisor of the project said he wanted to see me."

"Hmmm," said the noble, "Would you like Arashi to carry you there?"

Renji caught his breath and gave a tight-lipped chuckle.

"Thanks," he laughed, "but I think I'll pass. I'm not exactly his favorite person right now. Besides, I need the fresh air."

"Very well, then. I shall see you when you return."

"I...have some other things to do as well," Renji went on, guilt stealing into his heart as Tetsuya's eyes lowered and half closed.

"Enjoy your day then," he said quietly, disappearing in a flash step before Renji could stop him.

"Damn..." he sighed, his fingers stroking the sun pendant, "Great move, Abarai. The guy is so forgiving, not at all vengeful or jealous...and how do you repay that?"

He shook his head in disgust and left the room, trying not to look as he passed Rukia and Tetsuya, sitting at the garden table together. He felt Rukia's glare, and the fact that Tetsuya didn't look up at him at all.

What am I supposed to do?

I have no idea what is the right thing now!

He fled the manor, hoping to escape the rush of emotion by addressing his work. But as he arrived at the sixth division, all thoughts of escape left him. He stared at the front of the building, which looked exactly as it had before they had left that day.

"Wh-what the hell?" he whispered.

"Ah, Abarai taichou," said the project supervisor, "You see, we were able to salvage much of the original building. The front facing and the internal front office have been preserved, as has the taichou's personal quarters. Come, I will show you."

His heart in his throat, Renji followed him to the front door and inside, where he froze, staring.

Gods, it's like we were here fucking yesterday!

"As you can see, although the room looked heavily damaged, it was actually still structurally sound, so Kyouraku Soutaichou asked us to build around it...to save money and materials."

"Y-yeah," Renji said, a heavy feeling in his stomach, "I see. Well, fine, thanks. It looks good. I...I'll just have a look on my own."

"Of course, Abarai taichou," the supervisor said, looking at him oddly, then exiting.

Renji stood in the repaired office, staring at Byakuya's desk and chair and almost able to scent the sakura that never seemed to leave the room. He walked into the hallway and touched the taichou's room door, watching it swing open to reveal the bed that Byakuya had sometimes slept in, and some of his belongings that had yet to be removed. He moved to the closet and opened the door, reeling from the sakura scent and feeling tears in his eyes as he spotted the abandoned kenseiken and silken scarf. His fingers touched the edge of the soft scarf, and an unbidden sob escaped him. He ran out of the closet and towards the bedroom door, tears streaming down his face and sobs clenching his midsection. He didn't see the solemn figure that stepped into his path, and barely felt the gentle arms that wrapped around him.

"Why the hell did this have to happen!" he raged, his reiatsu swelling around the two and riling their hair and clothes, "He didn't deserve this!"

Renji voice broke, and he dropped to his knees, the other man falling with him and holding him tightly as his grief escaped him in heavy, gripping sobs.

"He was strong and smart," sobbed Renji, "He was the strongest fighter I ever knew! The man wasn't afraid of ANYTHING, not fucking ANYTHING!"

"That's not true," Tetsuya's voice whispered in his ear, "He was afraid of losing the three of us. That is what he was afraid of."

"And it's what that bastard used to bring him down," cried Renji, "Tetsuya, his body stopped moving...and he couldn't fight...b-because he was afraid of losing us. And because of that, he lost EVERYTHING! He died powerless, alone and scared! How the fuck do I deal with that? It's like it's my fault!"

"No..."

"And killing that thing means nothing, fucking nothing!"

"You gave peace to my cousin's soul by freeing Senbonzakura," Tetsuya reminded him.

"Yeah, so he could die too. Don't you get it? It was all so damned USELESS!"

Tetsuya said nothing more, but only held him tightly as the sobs wracked his body and the grief poured out onto the noble's pale cheek and soft throat and shoulder. The similarity to Byakuya became overpowering and he tried to pull away, but Tetsuya held on to him and looked into his eyes with eyes that were also tragically sad and filled with tears.

"Damn," Renji said, stopping himself and rubbing his eyes, "I've got to have freaked those workmen out, being like this here..."

"No," said Tetsuya, "I raised a privacy shield. They saw and heard nothing. We are private here."

Renji blinked and rubbed his eyes again.

"Thank you."

Tetsuya said nothing, but brought Renji's head back down onto his shoulder. His fingers sank into Renji's thick, red hair and his cheek rubbed lightly against the redhead's forehead.

"You have had to be strong," Tetsuya whispered, "So very strong to take up his mantle, and to avenge him. And now, you know the weight of the haori, as I know the weight of the kenseiken, and we know in ways that others cannot, just how strong he was. That evil bested his strength is tragic. But you took up his cause and saw justice done. He would love you for that, Renji-san. But that fight is over. Let yourself be healed. We all need this healing if we are to move on. Mourn him, then, but do not cry alone. You are not alone. You will never be alone."

Renji sniffed and managed a sad smile.

"I know."

Tetsuya kissed each wet, red-brown eye and then Renji's lips.

"You will never be alone, Renji-san," he whispered, making a chill go through the redhead's body, "I will fill the hollow place inside your heart and make you whole again."