It was 2:30am, and he was working on the big project piece, the live nude drawing of his friend Blaine. Blaine had been gracious enough the evening before not to ask anymore probing questions about Kurt's life, or about his father, and Kurt had been grateful for his tact yet again.
It didn't make dealing with it any easier, he knew that if they became closer, especially considering Blaine wanted to date him, that eventually Kurt's back story would come up. He would have to tell him eventually why he couldn't touch, why he wasn't comfortable with being touched. He wanted to shelter Blaine from it for as long as he was able to, but the closer Blaine became to him, the more difficult it was.
The thing about this was, Kurt really felt like he wanted to touch him. Even just to run his fingers through the dark curls on Blaine's head, or touch his hand, his arm, feel his skin, which Kurt would bet is warm and smooth and unblemished.
But he couldn't.
Touches hit him like lightning, and not the good kind. It made him squirm and feel disgusting. He had no control over those feelings.
Kurt sighed as he worked on Blaine's angular face in the picture, running a finger down the side of Blaine's face, wishing it was the real Blaine. The paper was rough and cold, and he imagined Blaine was different. Maybe his face had a tiny bit of stubble that would catch on his finger, maybe those full lips were as soft as they looked. Maybe his cheeks were smooth and his jaw was strong.
The last person Kurt had ever touched had been his father, holding his hand tightly in the hospital. Saying goodbye.
He thought about what his father would think if he saw him now. If he was around when Kurt had trouble sleeping, had trouble connecting with others, would he somehow make it all better? Kurt doubted it. His father was the only person in his life who he felt safe with, the only person he could connect to.
Nobody else had ever touched close to that, but now Blaine...
Blaine was getting ever closer to Kurt. He could feel the change in him. He spoke more with Blaine than anyone else. He opened up more, he blushed, he laughed.
This was all new to Kurt now. Especially the urge to touch.
He shook his head and let his hand fall from the paper, before getting up and striding over to the bathroom, pulling open the cabinet and looking at the multitude of pills inside.
He had been on a lot of prescription pills for years, they had been updated over the last 2 years, about 18 times. Different names now, but they all worked the same. They couldn't put him on anything too strong, because the doctors had been worried about him being dependant on medication for the rest of his life.
Which Kurt felt was a little too late for that. He needed them to function everyday. Anti depressants, anti nausea, sleeping pills, anxiety medication, PTSD meds, he had it all. None of them worked for very long, but it was enough for him to fall asleep every night. Even if it only knocked him out for a few hours.
Nobody else but Kurt and the professionals he had seen, knew about all of the meds he was currently on. Not Rachel, not Blaine, not his grandmother before she died. No-one.
Kurt would be labeled as depressed, sick, invalid, pathetic, and he didn't want to be seen like that through his peers eyes. He was a stronger person than anyone realized, to put up with this for years and not show any outward signs of his treatment.
The appointments had been made on his own, every hospital trip and every doctor's visit, he had gone alone. Every break down in the psychiatrist's, therapist's and psychologist's offices. It had all been kept in, hidden, secret.
His last therapist had told him it wasn't healthy to keep everything inside, and he knew that. She suggested he tell people that care about him, but so far Kurt had found no-one to tell. Nobody else cared, everyone had their own lives to live. They wouldn't care how much Kurt's being was hurt, scarred, mentally incapable.
Rachel would have been the only one that was as close as friends could get, but even she hadn't passed the bar Kurt had set for caring.
But Blaine does, doesn't he?
He had asked how Kurt was, he always asked Kurt how he was now that he started. Blaine had kind eyes, and his smile was warm, inviting, forgiving. It was a welcome change in the cold world Kurt had found himself living in. So different to the other people around him.
Like his father had been.
He eyed the clock again, as he was deep in thought, 4am now. Rachel would be up in an hour to have a shower. Kurt decided he should probably go and start the coffee machine.
He made his way to the kitchen, eyeing the contract on his desk as he passed. He looked at the conditions on Blaine's side, just before his signature. The dates.
5 dates.
That's all he wanted. A chance to get to know Kurt properly. But could Kurt really let him all the way in? Would Blaine think any less of him as a person? Would he show concern? Disgust? Intrigue?
Blaine was a good person, but Kurt's life had been one tragic incident after another in his teen years, and it had shaped the person he had become. What if Blaine turned away from him? It would kill Kurt to lose such a friend now.
It would be a risk to let him in. But was it worth it?
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Blaine came around everyday after classes let out, to sit in Kurt's room, naked and let himself be drawn. Kurt knew that after a few days Blaine was more comfortable with it, from the easy way he just slipped his clothes off, without even thinking about heading into the bathroom first. And then got comfortable in the chair while they both tried to direct his angle again.
Kurt was a lot more comfortable now, with removing his own shirt, or sometimes just unbuttoning it, while he drew in that warm room. After 5 days, the sketch was completed and Kurt let Blaine have a quick glance at it.
"Oh my god! It's me!" he exclaimed excitedly, and Kurt rolled his eyes at the wonder in his voice.
"Of course its you."
"Sorry," Blaine had the sense to look a little chastised, with a light blush on his cheeks, "but I just didn't expect it to look so real...I mean...just as a sketch."
Kurt smiled at the kind words, and the fumbled explanation.
"It looks like a scene from a black and white movie."
"An adult movie?" Kurt teased with a smirk and Blaine almost nudged him playfully, but as Kurt tensed up he stopped and then turned to give him his own smirk.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He teased back with a laugh, making Kurt giggle a little, "in all seriousness though, it's fantastic. I think you could win with just this alone."
"I was thinking about it actually, I want to show off the creative process with this project, so I will be painting half of it, and then keeping half of it sketched."
"That sounds great. I can't wait to see it in colour." He added with more excitement and Kurt huffed a little.
"It's you. You know what you look like in colour."
"Yeah, but not at this angle and in this picture." Blaine said as he stepped a little closer to the paper and peered at all of the miniscule detail Kurt had put in with his pencil.
Kurt watched him, and the feeling of wanting to reach out and touch him was getting stronger. His fingers twitched by his side, and Blaine was too engrossed in the portrait to notice. But Kurt shook off the feeling and sat back on his stool.
"Did you think about your answer?" Kurt asked out of the blue and Blaine raised an eyebrow as he turned to him with confusion.
"Answer?"
"To your question of why the colour black represents morbid things?" Kurt asked and Blaine thought for a moment, before he smiled.
"Well, maybe it has to do with mystery." He said and Kurt felt intrigued at his response and urged him to go on, "Think about it...black is like a shroud, something to hide things, they use it to disguise a lot of things. Like the afterlife is a mystery to everyone, that's what black should represent, but it can also be used in a respectful way. Like saying goodbye, and moving on. In a different way to white."
"Good answer." Kurt praised him and the smile Blaine shot him, all teeth and crinkled eyes, made Kurt blush a little, "I made a decision about the...conditions of the contract too."
Blaine sobered up a little and watched Kurt's expression, there was a little trepidation but hope in his eyes as he raised both eyebrows and waited for Kurt to continue.
"I would love to go on 5 dates with you." Kurt told him with his own shy little smile and Blaine's entire being seemed to relax.
"Thank you, Kurt."
"No, thank you Blaine."
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They made a separate agreement for these dates. 5 days Blaine would pose for the drawing and painting and then on the Sunday after each week, they would go out.
Kurt had no clue about dates, so Blaine would choose where they go all the time.
This first Sunday was a bit of a stressful time for Kurt. he had no idea where Blaine was taking him, and no idea what to wear that was practical but also nice. It had been years since he had worried about his own fashion sense, and going back into that kind of head space brought on a lot of difficult memories too.
He would just have to wing it.
He threw on his nicest shirt, which was a navy blue. Neutral territory for tonight. Black skinny jeans, and then his black suede jacket which he had been saving for a special occasion. It would have to do, after a quick brush of his hair and teeth, spraying his hair up into its usual messy style, he looked towards the clock where he could see he had 10 minutes to get ready.
A knock came on the apartment door as Kurt was placing his keys and wallet into his pockets, and he pasted on a smile before answering the door.
Blaine spied the nervous smile straight away, but he couldn't touch his hand to try and comfort him, he could only offer his own smile in return. He had his hands behind his back, Kurt noticed and he cleared his throat and blushed a little as he pulled his hand out.
"So I feel like I should start by giving you these." Blaine said as he produced a small bouquet of flowers from behind his back, red and yellow roses, and they were so beautiful and brightly coloured that Kurt gasped.
"Oh Blaine, I- they're beautiful." Kurt said quietly as Blaine beamed brightly.
"And I should give you the run down of the itinerary for our date."
"Ok."
"I thought we could start with getting some Thai take out, and taking it to the park, to sit and chat. And then we can go for a walk and grab some ice cream from my favourite shop."
As Blaine explained what he had planned for them, Kurt didn't say anything he was just staring at Blaine. Blaine couldn't tell what Kurt was thinking, there were a lot of different emotions swirling in those crystal blue eyes of his. As Kurt remained silent though, Blaine started to get nervous.
"Is that okay?" He asked, and then his smile dropped a little as Kurt just stared at him, "we don't have to, I mean...I just thought you wouldn't appreciate a crowd of people, what with the whole touching thing, but I can take you somewhere else if you-"
"Blaine," Kurt interrupted and Blaine's mouth shut slowly as Kurt smiled at him, "thank you. It's very thoughtful, and I love the sound of it."
"Phew ok, well are you ready to go?" Blaine looked a little relieved at that and plastered on a big grin.
"Yes." Kurt said as he walked to place the flowers on the kitchen table and then turned to walk back to Blaine with a small smile.
"You look great by the way." Blaine said quietly and Kurt felt his cheeks blush a little, before looking over Blaine's outfit too.
He was wearing red jeans, a black polo shirt, and a very nice black jacket.
"You do too."
