This chapter was so amazing to write because Viktor and Yuuri are just starting to love each other and trying to define the parameters of their relationship. It's bittersweet to write and made me want to cuddle them both in a blanket...
I do hope all you adorable katsudons enjoy this chapter! AND! Thank you again for your encouraging comments. They always give me motivation to write even more and even better for y'all.
Hugs and warm milk from me~ :)
Chapter 7
December passed by so fast, Yuuri was barely able to process it. The months rolled by and Yuuri couldn't even remember what it was like before Viktor invaded his life. Everyday during the last six months were filled with Viktor's presence. There wasn't a day that Viktor wasn't filling up every nook and cranny of Yuuri's life, and never had Yuuri felt this alive off the ice before.
Viktor breathed meaning and light into Yuuri's mind. On bad days, he would feel so low that he didn't have the energy to get out of bed, but Viktor never blamed him for it. Never made him feel ashamed of his weaknesses. His soulmate would just sit on the edge of his bed and run a soothing hand through Yuuri's hair, without a sound, until Yuuri felt like the world had stopped shaking.
On days where Yuuri's skin felt too tight on his body and his skeletons were too close to the surface, Viktor never touched him without his permission. At first, he never recognized this, but slowly as a few months passed, Yuuri started to realize that Viktor was more perceptive than most people gave him credit for, because Viktor never pried. Never questioned. Just accepted Yuuri's debilitating demons like it was an everyday occurrence.
Slowly, Yuuri started to trust Viktor, allowing him to burrow his way under Yuuri's skin until he didn't even know where he started and Viktor ended. Now, he was defenseless against those sparkling blue eyes and large, calloused palms, and whatever Viktor asked him to do he knew he wouldn't be able to deny it; Yuuri was too far gone.
He was an addict and Viktor was his drug. It didn't even matter that Viktor was supposed to be his soulmate. None of that mattered anymore. Even if Viktor hadn't been Yuuri's, he would still have fallen for this beautiful, ridiculous man with a well of wit and humour that revealed itself to you if you dug deep enough.
That was why Yuuri was outside on a cool, summer night with Viktor's palm burning an invisible brand on his wrist. His reluctance and shyness died in his chest, the instant his soulmate turned pleading eyes towards him and begged Yuuri to accompany him to Hasetsu's annual summer festival. Yuuri could only nod before he was dragged out and into the night.
"What's on your mind, Yuuri?"
Yuuri only realized that they had stopped when he felt a warm weight where Viktor's forehead touched his. Yuuri peeked up at Viktor over the frames of his glasses.
The warm smile and fond twinkle in Viktor's eyes made his chest seize up with an unnameable emotion. Yuuri's breath caught in his throat. His mouth opened and closed a few times, like a goldfish, before Yuuri managed to squeeze his voice out.
"Not-Nothing- I'm just-"
The fond look in Viktor's eyes morphed into something deeper. Something that made Yuuri want to do reckless things. Like kiss him.
"-I'm happy."
The words tumbled out from the deepest corners of Yuuri's heart and Yuuri's mouth clicked shut. His voice was small, and those two words contained so much naked vulnerability that Yuuri's own mind couldn't even process them, but Viktor's eyes lit up like the fireworks in the far distance and a wide smile blossomed on his soulmate's cheeks.
It felt like the sun on Yuuri's cold skin and he basked in it.
Viktor didn't say a word, just cupped Yuuri's cheek and tugged him into a tender embrace. Yuuri sunk into Viktor's arms and clutched back just as tightly. Viktor's scent enveloped him and he dug his nose into the hollow of Viktor's neck, hoping to conceal the prickle of tears in his eyes and the jack-rabbit fast pulse of his heartbeat.
His heart nearly combusted when Viktor turned his head and pressed a kiss into the space behind his ears. The roiling mass of warmth in his chest stilled. In the silence of that moment, Yuuri could finally put a name to all the emotions he had for Viktor.
He loved Viktor.
No, Yuuri wasn't in love with Viktor, because that type of love was for naive, innocent souls; not for a soul like his.
Yuuri loved Viktor.
Loved him in the slow, burning way that the sun loved the moon. Loved him in constants. Loved him in a way that made Yuuri's toes curl and his vision lose focus. Loved him so much that, sometimes, he wondered how his body could even contain that much emotion, but it did. Yuuri couldn't stop loving Viktor and he suspected that no matter what happened, his love for this beautiful man before him would always burn bright and steady.
Yuuri pressed his nose deeper into the crook of Viktor's neck; he knew that Viktor could never love him back the way he wanted. Yuuri thought that he would have been fine with having just a small part of Viktor, but now, he wanted more, because this small part of Viktor seemed so infinitesimally small. It didn't feel like it was enough.
It never felt enough.
However, Yuuri bit his lips and told his thoughts to shut up because this was enough. Yuuri didn't deserve Viktor. Didn't deserve to monopolize Viktor's attention when his insecurities and scars were so deep.
Viktor didn't deserve someone who was still afraid to be vulnerable and so terrified of commitment that he would always choose the easy way out. Viktor didn't deserve someone who had paranoia running through his veins and who was deathly scared of being burned again .
No. His soulmate deserved someone who could offer him their full selves instead of left-over scraps.
...
An incessant ringing noise jolted Yuuri awake and he fumbled around his desk until the tips of his fingers grazed the cool metal of his phone.
Phichit's picture blinked at him from the screen and Yuuri rubbed the sleep from his eyes, just as he answered with a soft: "Sawasdee Krab, Phichit."
"Hi Yuu Yuu!~"
Yuuri smiled at his friend's exuberant tone.
"I just saw your video today and you were awesome!"
Yuuri pinched the bridge of his nose when he realized the video that Loop, Lutz and Axel had posted, was still haunting him.
"Thanks Phichit…" A tired sigh escaped Yuuri's lips.
"Yuuko's girls recorded it and posted it without my knowledge. I was just as surprised when I found out how many views...it had."
Phichit's guffawing laughter made Yuuri chuckle too, but the next question made him blush and splutter.
"So, how has Viktor been? Has he been thorough ?-" Yuuri's cheeks went red in alarm at the lewd implication.
"wha-No! Phichit!"
"-Ooh, he must have been very caring …I can hear the blush in your voice~"
His head thunked against the table and Yuuri mumbled under his breath.
"No- Nothing happened - He doesn't. With me he doesn't- Not in that way-"
Yuuri felt the tears sting the edges of his eyes and he pressed a thumb against them, trying so hard to press the tears back in.
"He's- He's my soulmate, Phichit." His voice wobbled with misery.
Phichit's soft "Oh…" was followed by heavy silence.
"Did you tell him yet? Does he know?" Phichit's voice was soft and calming. There were no accusations in it, and it held nothing but gentleness and understanding.
"No."
"-No he doesn't- I'm not good for him. He'll hate me-" Yuuri's voice was a bare whisper at the end, and distantly, he heard Phichit sigh.
What that sigh meant, Yuuri had no idea but it echoed the aching sadness in Yuuri's chest.
"Yuuri-"
Phichit's voice was sad but firm. "Listen to me ok?-"
"I know you don't want to talk to him about it, but one day you have to. You owe him that."
Yuuri's reply was a weak whisper: "I know . I know, Phichit."
"Then that's good, because I know that he could never hate you. He'll love you as much as you love him."
Yuuri's head snapped up and his eyes widened. Shock and surprise ran through him like a current.
"How-How did you know that…I didn't even tell anyone-"
His best friend gave him a wry reply: "We've known each other way too long. You can't expect me not to notice. You love him, don't you?"
Yuuri tucked his chin against his chest before grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged.
"Yeah- I do, but I can't...I can't give him what he deserves. I just can't… " His voice was thick with throbbing agony and he let out a frustrated sigh.
"What happens if he wants more than- What happens if I can't give him enough?-"
There was a beat of silence through the line before Phichit replied in the softest voice Yuuri had ever heard his friend use.
"If he loves you. He'll love every part of you. He won't ask you to give more than you can, Yuuri."
Yuuri didn't reply because his throat was clogged with disbelief and yearning. If only that were true…
"-But I know you won't believe me now. Just-"
Through the phone Yuuri could hear the kind smile in his best friend's voice.
"Just don't let it consume you too much, Yuuri. Let him in. Test him if you need to, but don't shut down the possibility because you will regret it."
His best friend's words rang in his heart like a bell. They were so similar to the thoughts in his head that Yuuri couldn't help but agree with Phichit's words, because they were the truth.
Yuuri sent his friend a warm goodbye before he hung up and, that night, Phichit's words followed him deep into his dreams.
Everything came to a halt, on the ice, when Viktor casually and nonchalantly asked Yuuri if he had a girlfriend before, and he didn't know what triggered the panic attack, but Yuuri ran out of the Ice Castle like hellhounds were chasing him down.
The next thing Yuuri was aware of was the prickly feeling of grass underneath his hands, and a warm summer breeze ruffling through his hair. Yuuri blinked up at the blue sky and screwed his eyes shut until his breathing stopped hitching, and the sky stopped looking like Viktor's eyes.
Yuuri didn't know how long he sat there, but the sun had started to set and it painted the sky in a myriad of purple and fiery orange, when he heard familiar footsteps. From Yuuri's peripheral, he saw Viktor hunch his shoulders and cautiousness to bleed into his sky-blue eyes.
Yuuri ignored Viktor when he stopped a half a metre away and gingerly lowered himself down. Viktor's body heat was nectar to his bee-like senses, and Yuuri had the immediate urge to lean against his companion, but, Yuuri bit his lips, cradled his knees to his chest and tucked his face into his overlapping arms to stifle that urge.
The silence was a morose, wriggling thing between them and Yuuri didn't know what to say to break the tension. Luckily he didn't have to, Viktor spoke up before the silence threatened to swallow them whole.
"In Russia I could never hear the birds. It was always cold there and I was alone for so long that..I forgot what it can be like to have someone near me."
"-So sometimes I say things that I haven't thought through. I'm sorry, Moy snezhok-"
The misery in Viktor's voice dragged Yuuri's words out so fast, it made him dizzy.
"No! No. It's not your fault. It's mine ."
Yuuri stared at the tree tops because he was afraid to see the expression on Viktor's face. Afraid that he would finally see the disgust painted across his soulmate's face like graffiti, but Yuuri gritted his teeth and forced the words out.
"There was never anyone who...who I felt comfortable with. I was too scared to let anyone in. Too much of a cow- coward . When anything turns painful...I'll run away from it. That's-"
His throat dried up and he choked out the last pieces of his thoughts.
"-I ran away because I was ashamed. I'm always so-"
Self-loathing flavoured the next words Yuuri spat out: "So weak-"
There was a beat of silence before a heady weight wormed around Yuuri's shoulders, and he was tugged into Viktor's arms. Viktor's hands cradled the back of his skull whilst a hot palm was pressed into the curve of his spine. The heat of Viktor's touch seeped through his shirt and Yuuri shivered when that warmth sunk into his bones.
"You're not weak. " Viktor's voice was so sharp, it sliced through the air like a bullet. The vehemence and anger in his soulmate's voice startled him so much that Yuuri pushed himself back in shock.
Viktor's eyes were dark, gleaming pools of violent azure as tumultuous as the raging seas of Hasetsu and as cold as the ice that they skated on. Viktor's eyes practically dared Yuuri to repeat his words again and Yuuri's jaw snapped shut.
Viktor reached out a hand and Yuuri's body gave an instinctive minute flinch, but his soulmate ignored the knee-jerk reaction and with an unparalleled level of intensity, Viktor firmly gripped Yuuri's chin.
"Don't you dare say that you're weak! You're beautiful and strong. You just can't see how much you amaze me."
Viktor's fingers slowly loosened its grip on Yuuri's chin and the glaciers in his soulmate's eyes sharpened.
"What do you want me to be to you, Yuuri? A father? Brother? No… A lover?-"
Yuuri's eyes widened and he shook his head. The thoughts in his head were a jumbled mess of shame, self-loathing and yearning love, but every time Yuuri thought about being in a relationship or having sex, he felt like he wanted to scrape his skin off.
Yuuri's face contorted and tears brimmed in his eyes, and his soulmate must have seen a fraction of his inner agony, because Viktor gave a tired, aching sigh and coaxed Yuuri towards him.
"Shh...It's ok ...you don't need to answer that, moy snezhok-"
Viktor's lips moved against the crown of his head, and the feeling of whispers running through his hair distracted him and slowly Yuuri's gasps tapered off.
"From now on, you're not fighting alone anymore. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, I promise- "
Yuuri shuffled forward even more, wishing that he could borrow into Viktor's skin and stay there forever, but the last words from Viktor's lips were the ones that broke him. The ones that completely destroyed his walls and, it was the first time, in a long time, that Yuuri had felt this naked.
"You're not alone, Laska. You're not alone ."
...
That day lingered in Yuuri's memories like a fingerprint, and on the ice when his doubts crept up on him, Yuuri would use Viktor's words to keep them at bay. When he won the Japanese Nationals with his personal best, Yuuri was elated and his defenses crumbled even further.
As he stood in front of the flashing cameras with Viktor at his side, Yuuri steeled his nerves so when the commentator asked: "Katsuki-san, please present your theme for this year's Grand Prix series."
Yuuri closed his eyes and dug deep into his reservoir of strength and fortitude, before he faced the crowd and declared that his theme was love . Yuuri talked about the abstract feeling of love and how the Greeks had eight forms of love. He talked about how he wanted to convey all those types of love through his routines. The words Yuuri spoke about on the stage, felt dry and rehearsed on his tongue.
However, he protected and held back the most intimate words, so that in those rare moments of privacy where Yuuri could freely express his love to people he trusted with his heart, he could give his words to those precious few.
So when Viktor stopped him on the way back to the Inn with a warm hand on his arm, Yuuri turned around, tucked himself into Viktor's arms, and whispered into his soulmate's chest.
Yuuri told Viktor that his love wasn't as clear-cut because it wasn't fully romantic, with flaming cheeks Yuuri told Viktor that he was the first one that Yuuri had wanted to hold on to, and that he didn't know what these emotions are. He wasn't 100% clear about what he wanted...so Yuuri decided to call it "love", and when Yuuri looked up at the end of his ramblings, Viktor's eyes were coated with a film of tears.
"Yuuri ...I can't let you go either. Laska...I can't imagine a day without you anymore ."
* Translation by my life saver again: Maurey (You amazing corn puff, you)
1) Laska = "(can be Lasoch'ka - technically more tender) A laska is a type of weasel that lives in Russia. Laska doesn't really have a direct translation into English. It can reference tenderness, or a tender person. It means gentle affection (romantic or not), or it can imply a loving caress. It's basically 'fluff', nickname edition"
2) (Moy) snezhok - (my) little snow / snowball (not a typical nickname, but it works)
