notes: thanks again everyone! One more chapter after this, on Yavin with the Damerons. much love and adoration for shinewithalltheuntold and ehc6j for all their support.
Chewie fusses, tucking in the edges of a shawl around Ben's sleeping little form.
"I almost had it," Han protests. Chewie laughs at him, which is so very helpful. "And Ben's fine."
Tilting his head, Chewie continues to mock him with stories of his own prowess as a father, because he took to it immediately.
"I'm doing okay," Han reminds him, gesturing at the bundle wrapped against his chest. "He sleeps pretty well."
Chewie rumbles that sleeping is all the kid does.
"Yes, Wookiee pups are more interactive," Han replies, getting to his feet before the lack of movement wakes Ben up. He's pretty fun in the little moments where he's awake, but he's not a happy guy when he's awake long enough to get hungry without Leia in the immediate vicinity. Leia's still acclimating to Ben needing her breasts every two hours or so, all day and all night. The breast pump's so far unused in the Falcon. It'll wait. Maz says it's not difficult, and Shara used hers for over a year. Leia will work it out.
"I'm sure he'll get more interesting," Han assures Chewie, pacing slowly in the cool shade near the castle. "He hasn't been around that long." He could stare at Ben's face all day, even when he's asleep. Even watching his eyelids twitch in sleep fascinates him. When his eyes are open, they're so much like Leia's. His fingers wrap around Han's so easily, and he stares in a way that does something to his heart.
Holding him does something to his chest where it's too warm and too tight and Leia might be the only person in the universe who understands. Probably all the parents, really. Stroking Ben's back through the scarf, he grins at Chewie.
"He's pretty cute, even without enough fur."
"He is quite furry for a human," Maz says, plotting her next move as she stares over the pieces. She's up by several pieces, and she'll probably win again. Chewie never threatens to pull her arms off. "Perhaps he gets that from you. Obi-Wan said it took Luke months to grow more than a little hair."
With his hand on Ben's back, Han feels his quick heartbeat. "Leia's has always been long. The holos of her as a little girl are pretty cute, with her hair falling down her back."
Chewie makes his move and the Dejarik board squeals as one of Maz's pieces dies. He rumbles his joy, then reminds Han how many holos they've taken of Ben.
"Lando had to see him, and the Damerons, Mon Mothma, half of Rogue Squadron. Maybe all of Rogue Squadron. Kid has a fan club." As he should, he's the best baby to exist. Han knows that's not logical, but he could watch Ben's toes wriggle all day.
"It is good to share joy," Maz adds, taking two of Chewie's pieces with one well-executed move.
Chewie laughs, throwing back his head. He studies the board for so long that Han walks over with Ben, looking at the pieces. Maz has him tied in knots, which is typical for their Dejarik games. Never bothers Chewie to lose to her. When he beats her, the celebrations usually last a week or so.
"You left yourself open," Maz reminds him. "You so often forget to defend."
Chewie teases her, because it's her charm that makes him so defenceless.
"This is why you are my favorite boyfriend." Maz flicks back her glasses and grins, arms folded over her chest. She tilts her head towards Han. "The war took much from everyone, your son is something positive that came from it. He reminds them that they can also move on, be happy. This is the happiest I've known you, Han Organa."
He smirks, because losing his name isn't something he thought would make him happy, but the old Alderaan tradition makes him Leia's, and that he loves. He is hers, tied to her like the little guy on his chest. Happiness warms his chest, and Ben's sleepy fingers wrap around his little finger. The kid grabs in his sleep, and it's still the cutest.
Han's thoughts must have been so loud and happy that Leia touches him, brushing across his mind. Luke's been practicing with her, working on her control, and Han's been the test creature enough times in the last week that he knows her attention when its turned on him. This isn't a summons, she's not pulling. Maybe just saying hello?
"She likes to know you're here," Maz explains, because it's all very apparent to her. She probably even shares some understanding of what Luke and Leia have been working on together for the last hour or so. "She's tired."
He knew that. She's still healing, and more sore than she lets on. She sleeps when Ben does, but that's fractured all night and not enough during the day. She's never been good at napping, even when she's bone tired. Now, with an infant and a brush with the Dark Side that she can't stop punishing herself for, she sleeps terribly, when she sleeps at all. She's had nightmares for as long as he's known her, Leia turning in bed isn't new, but she hasn't had this much guilt in her eyes since Alderaan.
"She's too hard on herself." Han shifts his weight, rocking back and forth with Ben. "None of them even remember what happened. Most of your guests have been through worse than a moment of labor pain."
Maz leans against the side of the Dejarik board, her black eyes deep. "Those affected have recovered, and mind control often leaves an emptiness behind it, but Leia sees the larger truth. She has given her life to protect others from tyranny, becoming that which she despises, however short the time, has shaken her. Luke will help with that, and you, and your sweet little boy, but that will take time."
"Well, kid," Han mutters to Ben, "good thing we convinced your mother to take her whole leave."
"And she should, the galaxy can be responsible for itself for a while, as it was before Leia Organa was born," Maz says. She smiles, then rests her chin on her hands. "They're coming back. Can you feel them?"
Resisting the urge to protest that he can't feel the Force, Han stares at Ben's little fingers and tries to focus. The chances of him hearing Leia are remote, navigating an asteroid field would be easier, but Luke says they're connected. Leia gets strength from him, and if that's true, if he can give anything to her, he will. Not that he knows how.
Ben roots for his fingertip, sucking it while he waits for his mother. He'll start to fuss soon. Maybe thinking of Ben makes it easier to feel Leia, because she brushes against his mind, soft and weary. Without thinking, he stretches back, offering his support, and his affection. He can't actually reach her. It's foolish trying, isn't it?
She touches, grasps, his mind with a strength that stills him. For half a moment, maybe less, Han's aware of being her: the persistent ache of healing muscles and tissues, her heavy breasts and creeping headache that follows her training when she pushes too hard.
The physical seeps over Han, through him, and beneath that lies her guilt, far heavier, and more painful. Her self-recrimination washes over him, becoming his own, because she hurt people, overwhelmed them, took their freedom. Leia has fought all her life to protect others and here, she wobbled. No one blames her, pain and power is a difficult combination, and she resisted. Leia holds herself to a higher standard; has a self-imposed duty to the galaxy and everyone in it, and her pain tears at him, raw, like scorched skin. Like all guilt, this drags, irresistible as a black hole.
He's done many things he isn't proud of, and having his family doesn't erase his past, but makes it hard to regret any of it. Even being hunted by Jabba the Hutt led him here, holding his son. Can he give her that? It's not deserving or goodness; compared to Leia he's such a small part of the peace, but he's happy, and he won't feel bad. He can't. Not with Ben sucking on his finger and Leia-
He loves her and that's easy to send back. It doesn't take explaining or rationalizing. Han loves her enough that it's always there, unquenchable, and he does not feel guilt for anything that brought him her. He can't. She is imperfect, they are, and he loves her. She has reordered her universe so she is his constant, more than gravity or the speed of light, there's Leia.
He can't send that to her, can't respond the way she does, so he lets her in. Baring his heart, his fears, and his unshakable belief that this, that them, that their son, is the most wonderful occurrence. Love is warmth: Leia's mouth against his neck, Ben sleeping in his arms, Luke laughing, Chewie hugging him close, Lando bringing back the Falcon, and that is stronger than the Dark Side, or self-recrimination.
It's not even a conversation, just light, pouring out of him and racing towards her, as if her guilt will consume this, but it can't. This is part of the infinite, and maybe that's the Force, in everything, like Luke always says. Luke's there, full of hope and love. Feel that, Han wants to shout across the the nether-space, listen to that.
Whatever that is, was, it passes in an instant, and he's thrust into his own skin again with he warm weight of Ben against his chest. The baby scrunches his little pink face, but continues to sleep.
"Hey," he whispers, stroking Ben's cheek. "Don't know if you felt that, but we need to think of some good things for your mother."
Maz slips off the bench and walks to him, reaching up to touch Ben's tiny foot. "You, Han Solo, used the Force to respond to her."
"Leia found me," he says. Maybe Maz can explain it. He couldn't actually use the Force, right? It's just Leia reaching him, and maybe she can hear a little.
"Luke's asking her to confront her fears, and her guilt, so she can let go." She pats Ben, then looks up at him, seeing through, the way she does.
"It's like she was drowning." Han looks towards the woods, checking for Luke and Leia. "Is it like that often?" She'd been exhausted yesterday when she'd come back from meditating with Luke, and he'd been willing to believe it was just the physical toll of healing after the birth, and breastfeeding. Maybe he'd had it backwards, and Ben was the easy part of this.
"She's shaken, all the way to the core of what she believes," Maz explains, following his gaze with her ancient eyes. "It takes time to become level again."
"She has time," Han says, wishing he could help Leia with that. "She has as much time as she needs. The Senate can wait for her to get back. They never get anything done, even when she's there."
Ben releases his finger, fussing a little before Han starts rocking back and forth, calming him with the motion. "I know you're hungry, little guy, mom's on her way back." Ben needing to eat has helped a little, because she can't train longer than an hour or so before she's needed. It's trading one duty for another, but feeding Ben is more positive.
Sucking Han's finger again, Ben settles, content to wait for a little while longer. Han focuses on Ben, and the warmth holding him makes. Maybe Leia can pick that up and know she's wanted; that she's loved.
Luke and Leia emerge from the trees, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Leia smiles when she sees him, but her eyes are swollen. He can't get to her fast enough, hurrying over, with his hands steadying the little guy.
He kisses her forehead, holding her close to his side while Chewie helps unwrap the little guy. He hates thrusting him on her like that, but he's hungry, and nursing calms them both.
"I felt you," he whispers to her. "I know you're upset."
Leia shuts her eyes, wrapping her arms around Ben as they hand him over. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey," he kisses her forehead. "Don't apologize. It was a moment, and I'm fine. Come on, sit down, feed the little guy. We'll work it out."
"Han's right," Luke adds, patting her shoulder. "You projected for an instant, but you pulled back. Leia, you focused on the light, let it guide you. That's healthy. Safe."
Han walks her over to the picnic blanket where he and Chewie have been waiting. Leia sits, Ben in her arms, and there's something so soft, so vulnerable in her dark eyes that he sits beside her, then pulls her in. Leia folds against him, Ben in her arms. She sit crosslegged between his knees, her back against his chest. Ben's half-awake mewling softens as she helps him latch into her breast. She stiffens for a moment, and it must still sting. He strokes her hair, running his fingers over the simple braid while her milk starts to flow.
The baby makes tiny sucking sounds, filling his belly. His fingers squirm on Leia's breast, pink against her pale skin.
Luke sits a meter away, watching with a soft smile. "You tried to project back."
"Not really," Han insists. He couldn't. He's Force-useless. "I just tried to think of what Leia might need."
"It was beautiful," she says, her voice soft enough that Luke must have only barely heard her. "I didn't know you could, but you did that for me."
"Didn't think it would work," Han says, kissing the back of her head. "But you got the message."
"You've formed a bond that should be impossible," Luke explains, shaking his head. When he's confused, or bewildered, he's that farm boy again, not the last Jedi Master.
"Not impossible," Maz interjects, walking over to Luke and joining him on the blanket, "Simply out of style. The Jedi were not always the lonely knights and masters of the last days of the Old Republic, hundreds of years ago, when Yoda hadn't become master, Jedi married, had children, and the galaxy was no less protected."
Raising his eyebrows, Luke smirks. "That's not in the records."
"Of course not. Only in complete deprivation from love can a Jedi be trusted to love everyone equally," Maz replied, sniffing her disdain. "What good is equal love, this so called, boundless compassion, if you are kept from the love of a child, or the peace of finding a true partner. It is self-aggrandizing drivel."
That and Maz's little snort of frustration made Leia chuckle, and some of the tightness in her posture eased.
"It is Jedi law."
Luke shifts, arms around his knees. "It is Jedi law."
"Jedi law dictated more than four hundred years ago, by masters long dead." Max glances skyward, as if someone can hear her just by virtue of her thinking of them. "As if marriage would make someone more vulnerable to the Dark Side."
Han stokes the back of Leia's neck, beneath her braid. She turns, trying to find him so he moves to his left, making it easier. "It's okay, princess."
Leia looks at Ben, then back at him. "I wouldn't have given this up, him, you. I can't."
"You don't have to," Luke promises, sliding closer. "You don't. Hiding his feelings for our mother led Anakin down a dark path. If the Order had been different, if he could have talked about his fears, perhaps he would not have turned. Fear is just as dangerous as anger, perhaps more so."
"I was afraid," Leia says, lifting Ben from one breast and moving him to the other. balance is important in nursing as well as the Force, it seems. Ben fusses a little, protesting the change until he settles, returning to his meal. "It hurt, and it had already hurt for such a long time. I didn't think I could handle it if it kept going." She pauses, her breath shuddering. "I didn't want to."
"No one blames you," Luke says, smiling his real site, not the Jedi Master one. "You were in labor more than a standard day. Ben shifted your bones. If I'd had your abilities after Vader took my hand, I would have dumped everything I had into him, just so I didn't have to feel it." Her twin holds her gaze, his expression gentle. "You're the bravest person I know," he finishes. "The toughest, and this isn't going to happen again. We'll work through it. When Ben gets a little sister, or brother, we won't even worry about this. You'll have all the control you need."
"You think you're getting another nephew?" Leia teases, and there's finally some lightness in her voice. "Han, did you know about this? Luke wants another one."
They share a look over Ben's head, and she kisses him, lingering with her mouth against his.
"I think we did okay with this one," Han begins, his voice light even though his throat starts to tighten. He can't possibly love more than this. "We might be able to, talk about another one, maybe, if Luke's good," he finishes, reaching out to grab the big kid with one arm and pull him in tight.
"Maybe he can carry her." Leia mutters, and then they're all hugging, again, Ben in the middle.
Luke probably would, if that was an option, and he loves that the farmboy. He's selfless and loves with the biggest heart. While Leia's out saving the galaxy, Luke loves it, one person at a time.
"Don't worry so much," Han says to Leia, watching her tuck her breasts away. "You're good at everything, even the Force."
"I am not." She hands the baby to Luke, who's there, and quickly becoming good with a newborn.
"Right." He pulls her in, holding her close because she needs that. She's the shelter for Ben, his link to the world, but at the same time, she also needs to be safe. Leia remains, quiet against his chest while Luke and Chewie talk about how to make sure Ben got the air he gulped out of his belly. Maz unpacks their lunch and vanishes somehow, because when Leia looks up from his chest, they're alone.
Taking a napkin from their lunch, he dries her eyes, and pats her nose, because it always runs when she cries. She smiles at him, and her regret's starting to fade.
"We're going to Yavin tomorrow," he announces while she eats. "The Damerons promise they want the company, and they've got a kid, so they get it. Shara said she'll be happy to listen to all your complaints about your breasts, and other parts of you hurting. You could use that. You're going to use all of your leave, because you need it. We need it."
Leia stops devouring her lunch, swallowing quickly because she wants to protest but she still has those princess manners. "You're fine," she argues, "you could work."
Lying down on the blanket next to the food, he grabs some bright purple fruit and starts peeling. "I'd rather stay with you and the kid."
"Han-"
"I don't like working," he jokes, tossing a piece of rind in her direction. "All those idealistic military leaders, all excited because we won the war and we're bringing peace to the galaxy, one trade route at a time."
"You're very good at what you do for the Republic," Leia insists, missing the point of his protest.
Sitting up, he kisses her cheek, leaving a bright purple mark from the juice. "I didn't say I didn't like it because I wasn't good at it. Maybe I'm too good."
She rubs her face, but that only smears it more and he chuckles.
"You're beautiful."
"You're changing the subject."
"I'm stating an important fact for the record before returning to the subject at hand." Leaning in, he takes a napkin and rubs the mark off of her cheek. "I like being with you, and the little guy. I think you'd benefit from having me around, and unless you have a nanny picked out, I'm going to consult, part-time, very part-time, until the little guy's big enough to go the nursery with the other senator's kids. That's what I want."
"Diapers and meeting me in senate chambers so I can feed him?"
He hands her a piece of the incredibly delicious, very messy fruit, getting purple all over her hands in the process. "Yeah." Kissing her cheek, he pulls back and tilts his head, smiling his best cocky space pilot smile. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
"It's not." Leia touches his face, and she's about to cry again. "I just-" she sighs, shutting her eyes. "I love you."
"You keep saving the galaxy, sweetheart, the kid and I will figure things out. I'll have Chewie, and Luke, and Lando's great with kids. He sings, he knows lots of stories." Han strokes the back of her hand, and he can't make this smile fearless. He cares too much. "This is what I want, what I've wanted since we started trying for the kid. You, me, and little moon jockey. Being with him is a great thing, better than smuggling spices and running from bounty hunters, and I'd much rather have to change all the diapers than sit through your meetings."
"They aren't that bad." She can't say that with much enthusiasm.
"You have stuff you need to do, and I want to make sure you get to do it, because you're making the whole damn galaxy better. I like to think that you and the kid teaming up helps you with that."
"Stuff?"
"Important, politically sensitive, diplomatic stuff," he corrects, pulling her into his lap again. "You, Senator Organa, are essential to the functioning of the Republic, and I love that about you. Ben's going to love that too. You're a hell of a role model."
Running her fingers down his arm, she relaxes, letting go of the tension in her shoulders. "So are you."
"Thanks," he replies, smirking into her hair. "I've always thought so."
