Chapter Six:

I awake to him still sleeping. The fire had gone out some time in the night. I start to shiver. This is what I have always wanted. Now that I have it, I am causing him heartache. He was not ready to hear her name, much less hear me say it. I am truly sorrowful. I lean up to pull the blanket over us. Then settling my head under his chin, I rest my knee on this thigh. He awakes pulling me closer. I burrow my head into his chest, as he takes his hand rubbing it up my waist while drawing up the night shirt resting it on the small of my back, I read his thoughts expecting her to plague his mind, only to find he feels content. This makes me smile. He is truly happy, he truly loves me. I wish to save him from his sorrow; but I know I can not do this for him. Maybe I can just be his hope.

"Ithilwen?" Thranduil asks sheepishly.

I lift up to see his face. "Yes?"

"I am glad that you stayed with me."

"Why would I not stay with you. I do not wish to see you hurt. I love you." I wait for him to respond. When he does not, I stare into his eyes, they shine in the sunlight. I smile at him and I lift up and brush his lips with mine. My body tingles and it settles down low.

I gently push him to lie on his back, he allows me. I straddle his sides. I lift his night shirt that I am wearing over my head and discard it to the floor. His eyes widen as he looks at my naked form. I claim his lips with mine, kissing him soft and gentle. He takes his hand rubbing my side ever so lightly causing bumps to raise on my skin. Leading a trial of kisses down his neck, over his collarbone and down his body, I pause when I get to his trousers. I unbutton them and slide them off. He chuckles as he sees my reaction to his size. I bite my lip looking into his eyes.

Grabbing my sides forcing me over on my back, he takes his place between my legs. He runs his finger tips down my cheek and along my jaw line. Then he cups my face with his hand. I kiss his palm and then his thumb and I can see in his eyes the love he has for me.

In this moment I am thinking of Tauriel, and of him. I allow tears to fall as I push him off of me. I get dressed without a word and leave.

I sit down at my desk. I begin to write: I do not understand how two people can make my heart shine. Part of me feels there is some sort of magic involved, and the other part wishes to just let it happen. I feel loved and beautiful, but I also feel as though it is all going to end. Both will be taken from me. My heart says, "love them both," while my mind says, "choose or you will lose them both." The Goddess has betrayed me. She gives me two people to love when there is only one for an elf's life. Only one you can bond with, only one is supposed to make your heart shine. My own gifts betray me. They give me the ability to feel what the other is feeling as well as to allow them to feel as I do. I gave myself to her, all of me. Now I have a chance to be with my King, THE KING of Mirkwood! Every woman's dream is within my grasp and all I can do is feel guilty. Guilt from the beginning. Not being able to stop Aarondor and his men from taking me, Teirthiel, and Glandur. My husband and Bellethiel dying in the Great War. Not being there for Áudryiel when I was off fighting in the Ilanin War. I have even forgotten what it is that I fight for any more. Do I fight for me? Do I fight for my children or my people? Do I fight for my King?Now I feel guilty for having an affair with him. They both deserve better. Maybe I am too dramatic, but I can feel everything in the world as if it were all good and all bad. I care how everyone feels, and how my actions will effect others. I will figure this out and sort out my feelings.

I put the kettle over the fire and mix my lavender into a tea. The sweet taste of lavender on this day is harsh. I find myself longing for sleep, longing for the guilt to go away. I feel on edge, about to burst with anger and frustration. Sleep will help. My energy has not completely returned to me. I lay down watching the sun change position.

In my dream: I follow an unfamiliar voice of panic. Running through the halls of the city brings sadness to me. Passing through that Great Hall, I am suddenly within the halls of Imladris. I feel so confused, so lost. For what feels like hours, I run through the empty halls until I reach the gates of Mordor. There is now an emptiness in the world, cold and colourless stinging my heart that only leaves me with a longing for death. Through the gates I find nothing but a wall; nothing inside but blood imprinted dirt that will always be poisoned. I find myself walking to the centre of the empty ruins. Fresh blood stains the ground showing me a path to what I truly wish to leave hidden. I will my feet to stop, but they do not listen. Dark clouds move in front of the moon; thunder and lighting strikes begin to swirl around me as I see Thranduil laying dead on the ground. He had been struck to the heart, by a sword. A cry comes from my left. Tauriel stands weeping holding her short sword.

"You made me do it," she says through panicked breaths. A stoke of lightening hits in-between us. It makes me jump and I awake in pure essence of moonlight.

I begin to cry at the thought of the dream. I know it would never happen but my guilt still sits on my heart seething ugly shame causing nausea and perturbation. I think that I should talk to Tauriel about my concern. I do not believe she would be upset, nor do I think Thranduil would care. Most men do not care if a woman sees another woman. It is not spoke of much, but our culture does not seem to question it. Yet, it causes me heartache. I must decide. I will lose either way and my decision will cause me more pain.

I know what I must do, I will speak to Thranduil. I can not keep him in the dark about what is bothering me. I do not wish him to believe that I do not love him, or that I do not wish to be with him when my soul screams it be so. I wish a vision would come to help me with my predicament, alas it has not and I must do this.

I hear a knock on my door and find Tidurian standing in front of it shuffling his feet. I look up at him with a puzzled look when I see a vexed expression upon his face.

"Tidurian?" I say low placing my hand on his to stop him from shaking.

"My Lady, the King is in his throws of sorrow." He takes a deep breath. "He has made me feel disdain. He has taken to lock himself into his chambers and will not leave. Miluiel is not even allowed in." He looks down at my hand on his and places his right hand on top of mine, "My Lady please I beg you, help him. I do not wish to see him in the place he was so many years ago when his wife passed. I know you remember his state then." I am just taking in every word feeling as though I am going to be sick. I want to faint and never wake up. I caused this. Me. I feel tears stream down my face. "Miluiel has also said that he does not wish to see you. Yet you must. Please fix this Ithilwen," with my name I meet his eyes once more.

"I will go to him." I say as I turn from Tidurian. I close the door. Leaning against it, I close my eyes and let out a breathe. I love him, I can not loose him.

I clean my teeth with a lemon solution. I slowly sip on some wine to gain some composure. When two glasses sit well on my stomach, I put on the green dress that he loves to see me in. I put a small braid at each temple and pull them back.

I slowly walk to his chambers finding Miluiel standing at the door.

"Lady Ithilwen, he has locked the doors to his privy chambers." She opens the door as I snake past her.

I turn the handle of the door and it being locked causes me frustration. I take my hand and run it along the handle. I see the lock in my mind and cause the tumblers to raise in their proper position and hear the door unlock. I open the door to find him sitting at his writing desk with one hand on his wine glass, and the other under his head.

I run my hand up his back and leave it on his shoulder. When he does not stir from his slumber, I run my finger along the edges of his ear. His face softly twitches and I say, "Thanduil." As I make another pass along the point of his ear, "Thranduil," causes him to jerk up and look at me. Tears begin to fall down my face when I see his expression move from confusion to anger.

"I locked that door for a reason," he hissed. He sits up straight in his chair. I place myself in front of him on my knees looking up at him. He then focuses on the tears falling from my face and tears begin to fall from his. I run my thumb along the arch of his cheek and smile. "Why are you smiling?" He asks as he raises an eyebrow.

"You do not hate me." I say innocently. A chuckle escapes his lips. "I am sorry for leaving the way that I did."

"I do not understand why, all I ask is you tell me what bothers you so."

"I do not know how. I have tried many times and nothing will leave my throat." He looks down at me with confusion for a moment. His face softens and looks at me with understanding.

"Continue please." He inclines his ear.

I take a deep breath and swallow hard, "I love another." I raise to my feet waiting for some response.

He pushes me back as he stands. Turning his back to me, he says, "who is he?"

Nervousness crept into my voice. "Tauriel," I say too forced.

"A woman? Is this what has got you so distraught?" He turns to face me.

"Yes, My Lord, I love her. Much in the same way that I love you. If I am to be with you, I want to be faithful. But I love her." I feel tears form in my eyes once more. I see him step closer to me.

"You can have her," he smiles. I know he thinks me silly.

"Thranduil?" I wish for him to make me choose. I feel as though I will vomit.

His smile turns into a look of concern. "Ithilwen, what is it. Are you not well?" I shake my head no.

I turn to him,"I am sorry." I say as tears run down my face. He hands me a glass of water. I take a few sips which seems to settle my stomach. "My Lord, I am sorry. This situation makes my nerves worn. I do not know why. I only feel that I must choose; that I cannot give you all of me, all of my heart if I am with her."

"Ithilwen, I will never ask you to choose. I know that you feel this way, and yet I do not see it the way in which you do. I see it as someone you share intimacy with. Nothing more. You can not bare her any children, therefore it can not be seen as such. But if you feel you must choose, then choose. Who then?"

I can only look at him. My mind is filling with all these thoughts about both of them. They spin as if I were in a tornado. I feel my heart break to choose either one. I reach my hand out and he holds mine within his. Tears run down my cheeks.

"I will not make you choose. I only ask that you do not see her when I wish to see you. Do you understand?" I nod my head, still contemplating his words. "Calm Ithilwen," he says as he pulls me into an embrace. I burrow my head under his chin.

After a few moments he hands a glass of wine. I look up at him knowing what he is about to do. He claims his lips with mine. I feel that flutter in my stomach. I must allow him to do this. I want him just as much he wants me. Pulling me to a stand he guides me to the bed. Untying my dress I allow it to fall to the floor. I feel ashamed after what happened. And yet, he still wants me? I am not worthy of him or her. He removes all of my under garments and all of his clothes. Pushing me back on the bed as a crawl backward on my hands to the top of the bed, he claims his place between my legs. Placing his hands on the back of my thighs, he pulls me down toward him, rough. Without another thought he begins to kiss me there. I push my head back into the bed, letting out a moan. After some moments I breathe out, "I want to feel you."

Without any demand, he sits up on his knees. I stare into his beautiful blue eyes. "Let your hair down." He looks at me confused. I guess it was an odd request. He takes his hair down from the braid. A strand of hair falls in front of his face, I twirl some around my finger. "Please My Lord," I whine.

He slowly slides himself inside of me. A truly lovely feeling, which makes a rush of passion which immerses all of my being. I set a rhyme I like. I begin to moan as his strokes gain more intensity.

"Slow down." He stops and looks at me confused. "I am making to much noise, you must slow down." He shows his cocky smile. I bit my lip at his expression. He continues with the same speed as before. I bring my fingers up to his lips and he allows them willingly into his mouth. Sliding them out, I begin to touch myself setting a rhyme that causes me to moan louder than I was previous. I run my left hand up his back until I get to his shoulder blade. When my release begins to build I dig my fingers into his back. I try to quiet my moans, but it is all in vain. I focus on how he is feeling and the sensations that go through his body. It is just him and I. I feel his skin on my skin, and his emotions that are intertwining with my own. I close my eyes and I release with beautiful colours and lights behind my eyes. Tauriel is the only other person that made me see those.


I do as I do everyday, cook breakfast for me and Brín, which I never eat. Walk the dog and come in to sleep. My depression has hit hard again. I feel as though I can not fight it this time. For weeks I do this.

This morning I take Bella for a long walk. We walk at least four miles. I did bring some water; she is very happy about that. I took her by the sea and watched her play in the water just as far as the leash would let her. I look at my phone and it is twelve noon. I turn to go back to the road, but I hear, "Ithilwen." I expect Brín to be somewhere around, but no one is. "Ithilwen, stop." I hear. I can not place the voice, but it is evident all the same. I then hear children laughing. I see a light blonde headed child run past me in a long sleeve blue dress that touches the ground. She almost bumped into me.

"Child!" I call out after her. I turn my head to see if there was a parent near but there was no one. I the turn back and she is gone. I look around everywhere, but she is not there. We are not close enough to the water for her to have that much time to get in it. I sit down on the gravel road in awe of what I just saw. Then it comes to mind, I have never had hallucinations before. I start to panic and call Brín.

"Hey Katheryn, are you and Bella getting along?" He asks innocently.

"Brín, where are you?" I force out as I begin to have a pain attack.

"Katheryn, what is wrong?" He has so much worry in his voice.

"I need you to come and get me." I force out having to start over twice.

"Where are you?"

"On that beach you showed me." I begin to cry at my fear from the hallucinations.

"It is going to take me at least thirty minutes to get to you." He says panicked. "Where is Bella?"

"Here."

"What is going on?" I say nothing. "Please Katheryn, talk to me." I continue to take short breaths. "Look at the ocean, watch the waves come up onto the shore. See how the sun makes the water sparkle? What colour is the sand?" When he hears no response, "What colour are the rocks around you? Tell me what colour your eyes are."

My breathing slows, "blue."

"What is your favourite book?" He asks with a bit of humour.

"Honey, you know." I let out a short laugh.

"Feel better?"

"Yes Brí."

"I am still on my way. Just stay there. Okay?"

"Yes."

On the ride home I don't speak. He continues to try. He is so used to me not telling him things. I wish he would keep pushing; he usually stops just as I am about to break down.

"I could not sleep last night." I say to Brín as I sit down for breakfast. I made him eggs and grits. My favourite southern dish. I have to order the grits online. I must always buy the name brand Quaker. Once Brín bought me some, but he got me hominy grits. Gross! But I ate them anyway.

"I am still not sure how I feel about these grits Katheryn."

"Then don't eat it." I say pulling his plate away from him. I look at him and smile.

He grabs my wrist, "thank you Ghrá." I place the plate down and sit down on his lap, draping my legs over. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. When I pull back he can see the tears that are falling from my face. "A chuisle? You cry every time I say thank you. Why"

He wipes tears off my cheek. "Because, my father never said anything like that to my mother. I never heard thank you in that way, other than from my own mouth. They were not very good to each other. And my family was not at all either. Simply Brín, I grew up in a home that I wish to forget. As I have told you many times. This is why you will never meet them."

I kiss him again wanting him to know that saying thank you made my heart smile. With hearing those words, I know he appreciates me. I stand and grab his hand, pleading with him to come with me. He stands and I lead him to the bedroom. I begin to unbutton his white collared shirt. He grabs my hands, "leave it on."

"You can not wear that and go to work in it."

He lets out a laugh. "What? You left out a word in there."

"Whatever. You know what I mean." I turn to look at my book on the night stand, but I find myself turning back. Brín is skinny. Skinner than he used to be. I know it is the stress of everything causing him to eat less. His chest and abs are still slightly defined. I feel sad seeing this and not noticing how much weight he has lost. I am a bad wife. Ever since the rape he has always changed in the bathroom when I am not around. I know this concession seems silly but it is for me. It has to be done.

I turn away again thinking about my thought, I am a bad wife. It makes me so very sad. "Katheryn?" I turn to him and he is looking at me confused. I will get the feeling back. I kiss him drawing him to the bed. I push him down to sit on the edge of the bed. He watches me as I slowly take off my night gown. Taking me by the small of my back, he pulls me to him rough, which makes my breath catch. He kisses my stomach breathing into me. This causing bumps to raise on my skin and my stomach to flutter. He looks at my ribs for a moment, silently debating if to tell me again that I were too small. But he does not and I leave the thought alone.

He moves the covers aside and lays underneath them. I follow suit by taking my place on top of him. I unbutton his slacks helping him slide them off. I refuse to look at him. I claim his lips and through the kiss I tell him how much I love him. Feeling him against me, it causes my body to flush.

Once I am ready, I guide him into me. I gasp at the new sensation. I wait for a moment getting used to him. Then I begin to rock back a forth. He lets out a quiet moan at the new movement. I think I can do it this time, finish.

He kisses every inch of me that he can reach and moving his hands over the other parts of me that he can't. Reaching to climax I speed up the pace, finding myself coming undone for Brín. I begin to moan as the sensation becomes to much. He usually makes no sounds at all other than heaving breathing, but small moans are escaping his lips. I place two of my fingers between my legs and begin to set a motion.

Once I reach climax, I am flooded with emotions and utter bliss. When I do this, Brín follows immediately after letting out a moan that surprises me. Once our breathing slows I roll off of him and lay there with my arm draped over his stomach. I feel sad again because of his weight.

After about twenty minutes he get up and puts his clothes back on. I whine as he kisses me goodbye. Still laying naked on my side of the bed. "I have to go to work. I love you." He kisses me again and walks down stairs. I hear the door close and I am at a lose of what to do.

When Brín gets home that night, I lay down next to him allowing him to hold me. It feels so good, I feel so safe. I love this man truly, but I can see what I am doing to him. I toss and turn all night.

I don't sleep for the next four nights. The hallucinations get worse but they are not the same. They are shadows and weird sounds. I know what this is, it's sleep deprivation. Some sort of a manic episode, from what I do not know. I am too old for most of the disorders to appear, so I do not know what it is. Somehow I kept this from Brín all these days, but I have.

I get up and grab the keys from the key bowl and get in the car. I drive to the beach with a tall and steep cliff face. I wish I knew what it is called because it is so beautiful.

Getting out of the car, I rub my face as if it will fix this feeling, I realise I am not in control. I wish I knew how to stop this. I walk to the cliff face about to jump, then this bright white light swirls around me and I can no longer see anything but that light.

My eyes focus and I am in a white room. The lights are so bright, like an operating room. I see two podiums in front of me with one book on each. "Choose," I hear from the right of me. A woman's voice so beautiful almost as if she were singing.

I look up and see the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Perfect in every sense of the word. Long red hair that falls to her breasts. Such lovely green eyes, like the universe is within them. Her dress is white, made of a material that I have never seen before. It shimmers white; it touches the floor with long sleeves that are the perfect length. Her breast slightly show with the material being cut low. She smiles at me as she waves her hand at the books. She walks so graceful, precise, so. I know who she is, Mother Brigid. I can do nothing but watch as she walks beside me.

"Choose my child. Choose your fate." I look up at her and she nods her head toward the other side of the room. I see Ithilwen. What I imagine her to look like. There she is, so lovely, so perfect. I look back at the Goddess and think about my answer. I feel as though I have been standing here for an eternity.

"Middle Earth," I say as I put my hand on the book to the left.

As the white light hits me again, I hear Ithilwen scream, "NO!"