Bilbo Eats Beorn

Chapter 7: Havoc, Havoc Everywhere

"Alcohol!" Dori yelled dancing on the tabletop.

"Here, have some more." Oin said passing another liquid filled mug to the drunken dwarve. Oin nudged Bilbo who mentally counting the costs to repair his barely recognizable house and whispered. "That mug's full of apple juice."

Dori chugged it down, threw the mug aside, which broke it. Another 5 dollars.

Dori pointed at Oin with a menacingly look in his eyes. "That was…" Oin trembled in his seat.

"The best fucking whiskey I, like, ever, had, man!" The he fell backwards off the table and out of sight.

Oin just stared and said. "Well… that was unexpected."

Kili leaned over Oin's chair and added. "Like the journey."

Fili leaned over Bilbo's chair and added. "But not like the movie."

Then the two said "Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-h!" and high fived.

Bilbo got out of his chair and said. "Fred and George rip-offs."

"Bull-shit!" The duo said in unison. "Fred and George ripped us off. We came first."

"Hey I came first." Dwalin protested.

"Not to the house, silly, the first jokers in fiction." The two explained.

"Hey I can make jokes! You wanna hear one? Once there was a wittle dwarve who wouldn't buy big burly Dwalin any steroids. So he broke the dwarve's face! And if you catch my driftwood…"

Bilbo was about to tell Dwalin that it was drift, not driftwood, when Oin started roaring with laughter and fell off his seat. He eventually got back up and through giggles he managed to say. "That's good, you know. Oh god… little as wittle, like whittle. And driftwood instead of drift. Cause you whittle wood. Ooh that's good." Then Oin fell apart laughing.

"Right…" Bilbo said. The Dwalin screamed.

"EEEEEEEEEKKKK! A bird just pooped on my head. And we're underground!"

"Dundunduuhn!"

"Shut up Kili!" Bilbo retorted.

Dori woke up suddenly and stated. "I feel a presence, I haven't sensed since…" Three mugs of beer popped up in front of him. "… I blacked out! Alcohol!" He chugged them down and then gagged, clutching his throat. "Vinegar! It was Vinegar! Only one person would replace beer with vinegar… gaaaah Vinegar!" Then Dori fainted.

Then shit went to hell, got deep fried, packaged as Oreos, crumbled into a McFlurry and stuck right up Pippin's middle nostril.

Either they all took the same overdose of drugs, M. C. Escher magically fucked up their house or something else but it was bad.

"Havoc! Havoc, Havoc Everywhere!" Bilbo yelled running in circles.

Then a spear zoomed by Bilbo's ear. Bilbo turned and saw Viktor Krum who pointed his middle finger at Bilbo and yelled. "In Soviet Russia cow poo you!" Then he disappeared.

But suddenly he was replaced by Mario who started. "Hey-a it's-a me-a, Mario. And-a I-a have-a made-a a song-a about-a Bowser-a."

But he was quickly replaced by the Joker in a Ballerina Suit, who sang. "Over the hills we go, on a one and broken ski, over the hills we go, crashing into trees. Ha Ha Ha!"

Who in turn was replaced by a blue Mandalorian. "I'm Boba Smurf!"

*Ding Dong*

Everything returned to normal and Bilbo staggered to the door. Being a respectable *lie* Hobbit Bilbo regained his composition and opened the door.

_β_ц_|_|_$_ђ_±_ŧ_

Now for an over complicated explanation:

The thing, the creature - that stood in the doorway of the dainty hobbit house of Bilbo Baggins known with a graceful name of Bag End - yet not such as one in the shape of Gollum, nor Ungoliant, nor yet even Carcharoth. He was for like a man but yet of a somewhat smaller stature, for unto he was bigger than any hobbit and dwarve but yet not bigger than an elve's stature. Colorful was his skin, some leaf-like green and some violet yet upon which had the likeness of wild berries in the magical forests from yet upon farther than most a hobbit's wildest dreams. His faced was covered, of what looks upon the likeness of the majestic air but yet was a solid compound that was compounded from the fine sands of faraway places. His suit, if you may to persist upon the calling of it so, was far more advanced than the likes of the orc crafts in the Black Land of Mordor and around The Wizards Pinnacle in Isenguard, but yet plain in an almost surreal way. Upon this suit, two large wings, if that is what you wish to call them, were unlike those seen on the royal and numerous birds in the sky and jutted from his travelling-pack like object that which, upon his back he carried.

And now for a simpler explanation:

The dude at the door was Buzz Lightyear.

_B_U_B_B_U_B_U_L_B

He was holding a pizza box and said. "I have received no order for a pizza and I thought about how hungry you might be tonight so I filled your order."

"What?" Bilbo was given the box, which he opened. "Dude, there's nothing in here."

"I know… You ordered no pizza." Buzz Lightyear said. Then he gave Bilbo both middle fingers and said. "Oh! You just got burned mudafu…"

Buzz was cut short by Bilbo bullet to his heart. He collapsed and started straggling on the floor.

Buzz started to cough but then stopped. "Coughing's not the way to die. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die in style." Buzz thought for a second. He pointed at Bilbo and said. "I'll see you in hell! Wait no… Aha!"

Buzz grabbed Bilbo's shorts and said. "Please have mercy… that's not style… that's bull shit."

Buzz glared at Bilbo. "Do your worst. Oh wait… he already has."

Buzz wobbly stood up and hugged the door way. The he let go and let himself fall *insert Wilhelm scream here* into the mud.

Buzz lay in the mud and said. "Nah…wait! Curses! Nah… too cliché. Curse you! Nope… even more cliché. Fuck You!?Too vulgar…"

Buzz lifted his head and started. "That's it! I have the best final line ever!" Buzz took a breath but then screamed. "Oh shit! Wait! Ah! Help! I'm actually dying! Gah." Buzz had spazzed into a fuck-ass-weird position including his butt sticking up, his wings in his nostrils his feet in his mouth being held by his arms. Oh… and he was dead.

Bilbo inched backwards and slammed the door shut.

Then shit went straight right back to hell, got re-deep fried, re-packaged as Oreos, re-crumbled into another McFlurry and stuck right back up Pippin's fifth middle nostril.

The only person who wasn't flipping his lid or the lid of the toilet *Oin*, was Dori who was sitting in a chair sipping something out of a Sippy cup.

Dori smiled at Bilbo and motioned for him to sit down, which Bilbo did. Dori said after a sip. "Finally. I can drink this orphan tear junk without fucking my shit out." Then Dori fell out of his chair.

Bilbo was just about to get up when his chair yelled. "I want to eat your Cinderella dress!" Bilbo leapt out of his chair and threw it.

It hit a man behind a curtain, who proceeded to smash out the window and fall on a jagged rock. Oh, and die.

Neville walked by sideways waving his hands in random motions. "Final Destination!"

Everybody just stared at him. Awkwardly. Silently. Quietly. Bitch.

Neville slowly tiptoed into the kitchen. Everyone took a deep breath. Then Neville stuck his head out from behind the wall. "I was never here!"

"Yes you were!" Kili said 'Bitch Please' style.

"I know." Neville said. Then there was a pew and he fell down dead. Three stormtroopers came hopping out of the kitchen. One's gun barrel was smoking.

"Can you believe it? I actually hit something!" One shouted. Then they all shrieked like little girls. Maybe they were… well anyway they were eaten by a glowworm that chanted. "I has glows! I has glows!"

Bilbo looked out the window to see if anything weird was going on outside. But nothing weird was going on outside. Heck, nothing was happening outside, I mean what'd you expect, these are hobbits were talking about… come on. Idiot.

Bilbo turned away from the window and was greeted by E.T. "E.T phone sex line."

Bilbo chucked the stupid fucking thing out the window and quickly closed the venation blinds. He stood for a second, breathing deeply.

Then somebody screamed. "Aaaaah! There's a black hole in my asscheek!"

"Ugh… It's buttcheek, Nori!" Fili corrected.

Bilbo shot straight up. Slowly he turned his head around staring at Nori. "Nori, eh."

Nori, who was jumping on Bilbo's table stopped and froze.

Bilbo turned completely around walked slowly forward to the table. Then he quickly pulled out his rifle, with an insane look in his eyes and on his face, pointed the rifle at Nori and yelled. "Bitch! Who let you into my house?"

Nori started but Bilbo kept on going, spittle flying everywhere. "Give me one good reason not to shoot your fucking face right now, Bitch!"

"Because Martin Freeman hates you!" Nori yelled one leg up in a mock-karate pose, shielding his face with his arms.

Bilbo dropped his rifle, screamed. "What!" And then he ran out of his house with a butcher knife, raving at the lips. Though it would have been easier if he had brought his shotgun but hey… fuck you.

Nori sat down in a chair and Dori joined him. "It was a lie, right?" He said leaning in.

Nori plainly responded. "Yep."

Dori turned his head and started. "Well, I'm telling…"

But then his chair came alive yelling. "Vine-fucking-gar!"

The End dotdotdot

For now…