Episode Seven:
The Moth, or In which Charlie thinks he overcomes his Useless Sidekick complex, but really he doesn't


Scene opens on CHARLIE, playing his GUITAR.

CHARLIE: Hmm…A5, E7…blood on the window, and the pilot is deeeeeead––

EVERYONE at the caves has been LISTENING to Charlie's GUITAR for the past TWO HOURS.

HURLEY: I can't…take it…anymore…must…kill myself…end the pain…

LOCKE: Hey, hey…um, Chico, why don't you put the guitar down for a few minutes and come take a walk with me? Just a few minutes? Put the guitar down slowly now…

CHARLIE: Charlie! My name is Charlie! Not Chico, not Chaz, not Chip, not Chuckie, okay?

Fortunately, while Charlie is YELLING, Locke manages to TAKE the GUITAR and HIDE it behind a ROCK.

CHARLIE: And furthermore–– Hey, where's my guitar?

LOCKE: Guitar? Haven't seen it. Now let's go.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where JACK is in his TENT, staring at MUG SHOT KATE.

JACK: Ogle ogle, covet covet.

MUG SHOT KATE: Yeah, I know I'm hot.

REAL KATE approaches

KATE: Banter banter, flirt flirt flirt.

JACK: The caves! I love the caves!

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: Kate, there's something important I've been meaning to ask you…

KATE: Yes?

JACK: …Where did all this blue tarp come from? Do planes usually carry lots of blue tarp? It just seems kind of weird to me that we're building all these tents with this blue tarp, and––

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: We're not going to get rescued, you know, Kate. We're not going to get rescued because I said so, and everything I say is always right!

KATE: I'm sure you're right, Jack, but Sayid thinks––

JACK: Sayid! You're letting him brush your hair, aren't you? You are! I knew it!

SAWYER approaches.

SAWYER: What's this about Sayid brushing someone's hair?

JACK: Nothing. I'm leaving. I'll see you around, Kate!

He LEAVES.

SAWYER: Can I brush your––?

KATE: No! Dammit, no!

Scene cuts to CHARLIE, walking ALONE in the JUNGLE.

CHARLIE: Bloody Locke, wants me to go for a walk, then bloody disappears…

Charlie hears BOAR NOISES from the UNDERBRUSH.

CHARLIE: Locke, is that you? Locke, do you suddenly sound like a boar?

Using his vast INTELLIGENCE, Charlie DEDUCES that the BOAR is NOT LOCKE. Then he RUNS AWAY, and, while running, has a FLASHBACK. He is in CONFESSION.

CHARLIE: Um, yeah, sooo…there was this chick, and man, she was ho-ot! Let me tell you, she was smokin', and she was wearing this––

PRIEST: Um…

CHARLIE: Oh, right, yeah, so, anyway… Well, I can't say the word "sex" to a priest 'cause he'd probably have a heart attack… I, uh, did the horizontal tango with this girl, and then with this other girl, and then––

The AUDIENCE has a COLLECTIVE HEART ATTACK at the thought of CHARLIE getting this much ACTION. Or, indeed, ANY action.

CHARLIE: So, in conclusion, I think I have to quit Driveshaft.

PRIEST: Driveshaft! Why didn't you say so! I love Driveshaft! Can I have your autograph?

CHARLIE: …You're not helping.

Charlie EXITS the confessional, to find his BROTHER LIAM sitting in a PEW.

FANGIRLS: Well, he's much hotter than Charlie! Why couldn't he be on the island?

LIAM: Guess what? I finally found a deaf guy with a record label!

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE is still RUNNING from the BOAR. Then the BOAR gets caught in a NET!

LOCKE: Good job, Chase! You somehow led the boar in exactly the right direction for my trap! Course, I was kinda hoping you'd get gored too, but you know, you can't have everything.

CHARLIE: How do you still not know my name, dammit!

LOCKE: Oh, yeah…is it, um…Chris?

CHARLIE: No! Give me back my bloody laundry deterg––I mean, heroin!

-LOST-

Scene opens on CHARLIE and LOCKE in the JUNGLE.

LOCKE: You gave me your heroin of your own free will––

CHARLIE: No I didn't! You bloody well hit me over the head and took it!

LOCKE: If that's what you choose to remember, Chelsey, then––

CHARLIE: Chelsey's a girl's name!

LOCKE: Tell you what. I'll give you three chances, and the third time you ask for your drugs, I'll turn you into a goon!

CHARLIE: …What?

LOCKE: I mean…I'll give them back to you.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where SAYID is holding ELECTRONIC THINGS and talking to KATE and BOONE.

SAYID: The heat must be messing with my brain. Because otherwise, there's no way I'd ever trust Boone with anything important.

BOONE: I'm being useful!

SAYID: French woman, triangulation, signal, transceiver, rockets. You get the gist?

KATE: Yep, I'm a genius.

BOONE: Me too!

SAYID: Riiight… But the only thing is, I still don't have a battery for the transceiver.

KATE: No problem. I'll just go flirt with Sawyer, and––

SAYID: No, Kate, you don't have t––

KATE: No, I do, it's my duty, I want to contribute.

Kate goes to SAWYER'S TENT.

KATE: You disgust me, Sawyer. I hate being near you. Your presence is odious to me.

SAWYER: I'm reading Watership Down. This will soon become a semi-important plot point!

KATE: You're scum, Sawyer. Everyone hates you. Including me. Especially me.

SAWYER: Your flattery touches me. Here, have a battery from this laptop.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where CHARLIE has FOUND his GUITAR and is SINGING.

CHARLIE: Little Bunny Foo-foo, hopping through the forest––

HURLEY and JACK enter with SUITCASES from the BEACH.

CHARLIE: Let me be useful!

While Charlie is being USEFUL, Hurley HIDES his GUITAR behind a BIGGER ROCK.

JACK: Charlie, let me make this clear to you. In this episode, you are a caricature of yourself. Everything you do is doomed to failure so that your immense uselessness will be clearly visible to even the blindest audience member.

CHARLIE: I'm so depressed. I need some bloody drugs.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE and LIAM are walking around what appears to be the combination of a CHURCH and a NUNNERY.

CHARLIE: Shh, Liam, you can't say the word "bloody" in front of nuns! They'll probably all have heart attacks!

LIAM: You're too uptight. You need some drugs.

CHARLIE: I hate drugs. I will never do drugs.

LIAM: Okay, here's the deal, Chuckie––Charlie. We have to take this contract so I can be famous!

CHARLIE: You mean "we."

LIAM: Right, right, of course, we.

CHARLIE: Well…okay. But only on one condition. You have to promise that if I say we quit, we quit.

LIAM: Promise!

CHARLIE: Yay! Let's run around in happy circles!

Back on the ISLAND, JIN and SUN are at the WATERFALL.

SUN: The purpose of this scene is to show that I no longer wear excessively conservative clothes.

Returning to something actually RELEVANT, HURLEY tells CHARLIE to MOVE his GUITAR out of JACK'S WAY.

CHARLIE: What? But I didn't put my guitar there! I couldn't find my guitar.

HURLEY: Huh. How about that.

CHARLIE: By the way… Driveshaft! Driveshaft!

HURLEY: Oh, dude, Jack told me this awesome joke.

CHARLIE: Jack told a joke? I'm the one who tells jokes!

HURLEY: Yeah, it went like this. What has scraggly blond hair…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …really big ears…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …makes stupid jokes all the time…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

HURLEY: …and is always useless?

CHARLIE: I dunno! What is it?

HURLEY: Charlie!

CHARLIE: That's not funny!

Charlie RUNS away, CRYING. He goes into a CAVE to CONFRONT JACK.

CHARLIE: Hurley told me a real interesting joke just now, Jack!

JACK: Charlie, I'm sorry. But I warned you that you were going to be a caricature of yourself, it's really not my fault––

CHARLIE: Hah! Sure it isn't! Well, you know what? DRIVESHAFT! DRIVESHAFT!

Upon HEARING Charlie's high-pitched, nasal, and generally ANNOYING VOICE, the CAVE decides to COLLAPSE in hopes of KILLING him. This plan is, unfortunately, UNSUCCESSFUL, as Charlie STUMBLES out of the RUBBLE.

CHARLIE: I've been getting really good at running away and leaving Jack behind.

HURLEY: Dude…this is so not cool.

CHARLIE: I'll just stand here, uselessly, and profess my innocence. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my––

HURLEY: Oh, Charlie, of course it was. This is the kind of thing a useless sidekick does.

CHARLIE: I need some bloody drugs.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID and KATE are WALKING.

KATE: Don't even think about trying to brush my hair. Or smell it. Or touch it in any way.

SAYID: I've moved past that now, Kate.

KATE: Oh…

SAYID: In other news…we should all be dead.

KATE: That's cheerful of you.

Scene cuts to the BEACH, where the SURVIVORS are LOUNGING. CHARLIE arrives.

CHARLIE: Um…so Jack's in a cave-in, and he might be dead. But the most important thing to keep in mind is that it was not my fault. Repeat it with me, now. Not…Charlie's…fault.

MICHAEL: Uh, shouldn't we, you know, go help him?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, sure.

MICHAEL: Hey, Steve!

STEVE/SCOTT: I'm Scott!

SCOTT/STEVE: No, I'm Scott, you're Steve.

STEVE/SCOTT: Oh. You sure?

MICHAEL: Oh, for––we don't have time for this! Whoever the hell you are, let's get to the caves!

BOONE: I'm gonna go be useful! Oh, but wait…there was that thing Sayid wanted me to do… Oh, I know! I'll just pick the most trustworthy person left on the beach to take care of it for me! That would be…Shannon!

SHANNON: You mean me? Me, Shannon?

BOONE: Yes, you Shannon. I'm sure you can do it if I just explain condescendingly enough.

SHANNON: Oh, you are so marked for death.

CHARLIE: Hmm…there was something else I was supposed to do…

SAWYER: For no apparent reason, I don't have a shirt on in this scene.

FANGIRLS: We don't mind! You can take your shirt off as much as you want!

SAWYER: I'll go tell Kate about the cave-in.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah! Kate!

SAWYER: I got it. You're useless, remember?

CHARLIE: I glare at you! Glare, glare.

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE and LIAM are PERFORMING.

CHARLIE: Why are girls screaming Liam's name and not mine? I'm so depressed.

LIAM: Who wrote these asinine lyrics? Oh that's right…it was Charlie.

CHARLIE: I glare at you! Glare, glare.

LATER, BACKSTAGE…

CHARLIE: I am pissy. Liam, you suck.

LIAM: What…ever. Hey, a hot chick with drugs!

CHARLIE: And this concludes the lamest, most useless flashback ever.

Back on the ISLAND, people are DIGGING at the CAVE-IN. More PEOPLE arrive from the BEACH.

MICHAEL: Hold on, hold on! I'm a construction worker, I can tell you which rocks are load-bearing!

HURLEY: Dude…it's the architects who know that stuff. Construction workers are the ones with beer bellies who whistle at women on their lunch breaks.

MICHAEL: Yeah, whatever, man. Just dig here, okay?

HURLEY: Dude…that's exactly where we were digging before.

MICHAEL: You shut up! Jack might be dead and Sayid's not here, so as Sayid's former campaign manager, I'm in charge!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID and KATE are WALKING. SAWYER arrives.

KATE: I am not at all happy to see you. Because I hate you. A lot.

SAWYER: Well, I was gonna do something nice, but now you've hurt my feelings. See if I tell you anything about Jack trapped in a cave-in now!

KATE: What? What did he say?

SAYID: Uhh…nothing. Let's go.

In a DIFFERENT PART of the JUNGLE, LOCKE is spending some QUALITY TIME with a BOAR CARCASS. CHARLIE arrives.

CHARLIE: So Jack's probably dead…and I want some drugs.

LOCKE: Okay. Time to pull out the big guns.

CHARLIE: Big guns?

LOCKE: A wise-sounding, vague, and possibly significant story, of course! I just need to take you to a moth cocoon first. It's a sort of visual aid.

CHARLIE: You mean you can just…find a moth cocoon? Like, on cue?

LOCKE: Oh, sure. The island will tell me where to look.

THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER…

CHARLIE: Locke, please. Can't you tell me the story without the visual aid?

LOCKE: No! There must be a cocoon around here somewhere! Yeah, here's one now!

CHARLIE: That's a twig with a leaf wrapped around it.

LOCKE: No, it's a cocoon.

CHARLIE: Okay. Fine. Now what's this bloody story already?

LOCKE: …I don't remember.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where people are DIGGING. There is much GRUNTING in the background.

HURLEY: Jack! Jack, are you alive?

JACK: Of course. I'm Superman, remember?

HURLEY: Cool! So can you just, like, push all the rocks aside?

JACK: …No.

INSIDE the CAVE, Jack is DIRTY and COUGHING.

JACK: I want my mommy.

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID, KATE, and SAWYER are WALKING.

SAYID: Okey-dokey! Sawyer, climb that tree with this vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment!

SAWYER: I can do that! I'm a manly man!

SAYID: Well, I'm off with the last vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment. Be careful, Kate. I'm afraid he might try to touch your hair.

Back at the CAVES…

MICHAEL: Hmm…we need someone to crawl through the tunnel to rescue Jack. Someone short…

CHARLIE: Me!

MICHAEL: …and kind of runty…

CHARLIE: Ooh, me!

MICHAEL: …and we won't care if he dies…

CHARLIE: Me, me! Pick me!

MICHAEL: Are you sure, Charlie? I mean, with your Useless Sidekick thing and all, maybe it wouldn't be the best––

CHARLIE: No, sidekicks rescue heroes all the time! Really!

MICHAEL: Enh, what the hell. And if the tunnel collapses and he dies, well, that'll just be an added bonus.

CHARLIE: Does nobody care about my feelings? I can hear you!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where KATE and SAWYER are SITTING.

SAWYER: Banter, banter.

KATE: Banter, banter.

SAWYER: Sooo…why do you like Jack? 'Cause I'm much hotter than he is. Funnier, too.

KATE: Well, that's a very interesting question. I like Jack because…because…um…well, because he's a good person.

SAWYER: Bo-ring.

KATE: It's just how it works! He's the hero and I'm the heroine!

SAWYER: Yeah, well…too bad he's DEAD! Bwahahaha!

Back at the CAVES, CHARLIE is ENTERING the TUNNEL. Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. He is BACKSTAGE with LIAM and multiple scantily-clad GIRLS.

CHARLIE: I am pissy. Liam, you suck.

LIAM: I'm a drunken heroin junkie! Wooh!

CHARLIE: Okay, we're done with Driveshaft. Let's walk away, like you promised.

LIAM: Nope, I had my fingers crossed! Ha ha!

CHARLIE: Yeah, well, you…you suck!

LIAM: But you're useless!

CHARLIE: Liam…you hurt my feelings.

LIAM: Oh, you and your bloody feelings…

He LEAVES.

CHARLIE: I'm…I'm depressed. Oooh, film! My favorite!

Back in the TUNNEL, CHARLIE is still CRAWLING.

CHARLIE: And that's how I started getting depressed. Hey…wait a second. How did those guys dig such a long tunnel? They would have had to be crawling along as they dug it out…

Charlie EMERGES into a small CAVE where JACK is lying PINNED by a ROCK.

JACK: Charlie? I saw Michael in that tunnel a minute ago, but he said he couldn't rescue me, he was just digging. So what are you here for?

CHARLIE: To, um…rescue you.

Jack LAUGHS so hard that the TUNNEL COLLAPSES.

JACK: Sorry. Sorry. I take you seriously, really I do.

OUTSIDE the CAVE, KATE arrives.

KATE: Sawyer said Jack's dead! He's not really dead, is he?

MICHAEL: Well, Kate…we dug this tunnel and Charlie went in after him…but then Jack laughed so hard at the idea of Charlie rescuing him that he caused another cave-in. And now we just don't know what to do!

KATE: Uh, well how about the same thing you did after the first cave-in?

MICHAEL: Good idea! Now that you're here to be the leader, Kate, I can be stupid again!

They begin DIGGING.

INSIDE the CAVE, CHARLIE PUSHES the ROCK off of JACK'S ARM.

JACK: Whimper, whimper. I want my mommy.

CHARLIE: Is your mum dead? If she's dead, you'll probably be joining her once we run out of air here.

JACK: Charlie, before we die, I need you to put my shoulder back into its socket.

CHARLIE: Uhh, nope, can't do that.

JACK: Believe me, if there were anyone else available…

CHARLIE: I just have to yank really hard? That's easy! Will it hurt?

JACK: Yes.

CHARLIE: Good!

Charlie YANKS on Jack's ARM. There is a loud CRACK.

JACK: Whimper, whimper.

CHARLIE: That was fun!

JACK: Charlie…you fixed it. You can stop pulling now.

CHARLIE: Aw…

Cut to FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. CHARLIE is at a HOUSE with WINDCHIMES. He KNOCKS on the DOOR, and it is OPENED by LIAM.

LIAM: I'm no longer drunken heroin junkie Liam, I'm studious responsible Liam! Thus, the glasses.

CHARLIE: Good news! I've got a gig for Driveshaft!

LIAM: Actually, now I'm the one who's not interested in Driveshaft anymore. It's so bloody ironic, isn't it?

CHARLIE: …And my life continues to suck.

LIAM: As studious responsible Liam, I feel I must help you, Charlie.

CHARLIE: I don't need your help, Liam! In fact, my sucky life is ALL YOUR FAULT!

LIAM: Charlie, you can't blame me for your own mistakes––

CHARLIE: Oh, shut up. I've got a plane crash to be in.

Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE and JACK are BONDING.

JACK: Being the island doctor hero that I am, Charlie, I know you're a heroin addict, and I'm very concerned for your welfare.

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah…

JACK: And I don't think you're useless. Really.

CHARLIE: But you said I was a caricature of uselessness!

JACK: Yeah, but this is the very touching moment where you realize that, against all reason, you really aren't useless after all! It's part of your character arc.

CHARLIE: Well, that's nice, isn't it? Now let's smile a lot so our teeth glow in the dark!

JACK: Just because we're gonna die doesn't mean we can't be cheerful about it!

CHARLIE: Hey, there's a moth!

JACK: What?

CHARLIE: Hm…that probably should have some sort of symbolic significance, but Locke never did get around to telling his story, so I have no idea what it is!

MOTH: Follow me!

CHARLIE: Okay! C'mon, Jack, the moth is gonna show us the way out!

OUTSIDE the CAVE, KATE is still DIGGING. And, in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AREA of the JUNGLE, JACK and CHARLIE BURST out of the GROUND!

JACK: Woah…how did we end up all the way out here?

CHARLIE: Hey, I have an idea! Let's go watch everyone trying to dig us out of the caves!

JACK: Yeah, they probably think we're dead!

Jack and Charlie SNIGGER for a while at the DIGGERS before WALT NOTICES them.

KATE: Jack! You're not dead!

CHARLIE: Can I have a hug too, Kate?

KATE: No.

MICHAEL: Jack!

HURLEY: Jack!

ALL: Jack! Jack! Jack!

CHARLIE: Uh, Charlie's here too, you know.

ALL: Jack! Jack!

JACK: Charlie saved me!

ALL: Charlie saved Jack! Charlie saved Jack! We love Charlie!

CHARLIE: I'm so happy! Everyone cares about me now!

HURLEY: Actually, dude, they care about Jack. They only care about you because you saved Jack.

CHARLIE: Shut up! The point is, I'm no longer a useless sidekick!

HURLEY: Yes you––

CHARLIE: Shut up!

Scene cuts to the JUNGLE, where SAYID is CHECKING his WATCH.

SAYID: Remember me? I'm the B storyline.

It is FIVE O'CLOCK.

SAYID: Oh boy, time for the fireworks!

He SETS OFF the first ROCKET. SAWYER and SHANNON SET OFF their own ROCKETS.

SAYID: Good job, Boone and Kate! Now I'll just switch on the transceiver! Which is attached to a vaguely electronic-looking piece of equipment!

The TRANSCEIVER is RECEIVING a SIGNAL. This makes Sayid very HAPPY. Unfortunately, a MYSTERIOUS SOMEONE sneaks up from BEHIND and KNOCKS HIM OUT!

LOCKE: It wasn't me! Hee hee hee!

Locke DESTROYS the EQUIPMENT and RUNS AWAY, GIGGLING madly.

Scene cuts to the CAVES, where JACK and CHARLIE are SITTING.

CHARLIE: Me and Jack are now bestest friends!

JACK: Um…ha ha?

CHARLIE: No, I'm serious! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories––

JACK: You don't have any manly stories.

CHARLIE: Oh yeah. Well, I'm depressed again. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some drugs to reclaim.

JACK: See ya.

Charlie LEAVES. KATE arrives.

KATE: Look, Jack! I brought you a piece of dirty white cloth with some holes in!

JACK: Wow! That's great!

KATE: Banter, banter.

JACK: The caves! I still love the caves!

KATE: Sigh.

JACK: Hey, I have an idea! Let's have a Moment!

KATE: What is with you?

CHARLIE goes to LOCKE.

LOCKE: Hey…

CHARLIE: Charlie.

LOCKE: …Charlie. What's up?

CHARLIE: Give me my laundry deter––heroin!

LOCKE: You disappoint me, Chico.

CHARLIE: I don't care if I bloody disappoint you or not! You stole my heroin, and I want it back!

LOCKE: Oh, fine, fine.

Locke takes out the BAGGIE and begins to GIVE it to Charlie. Then he STOPS and TOSSES it into a nearby FIRE.

CHARLIE: Locke! What'd you do that for!

LOCKE: I'm proud of you, Chico. I knew you had the strength to give up your drugs!

CHARLIE: You bloody well threw them into the fire!

LOCKE: No I didn't…you threw them into the fire, Chico.

CHARLIE: You are one messed up old man. Oh look, another moth.

LOCKE: Yeah…that would probably be significant if I could remember the moth story.

-LOST-


AN: I said I would post this chapter on Sunday, but then I remembered I'm going out of town on Saturday. So I worked twice as fast in order to get this chapter up today instead, and you'd better review and shower me with praise for this valiant effort. : P

Keep in mind...I don't hate Charlie. I only hate Jack and Boone; Charlie falls more under the Vaguely Dislike category. Although when I first saw this episode, I was in fact a pretty big Charlie fan. I stopped liking him at some point in season two. Actually, I know exactly when I stopped liking him...about 10 minutes into Fire + Water. Yeah, that was probably the low point of Lost so far. After that, Charlie was just annoying. Although it was funny in the finale when Eko was like, Do you know how they got the hatch door open? and Charlie was like, No, but if you hum it, I could probably play it. Yeah, that was funny.

Next update...well, I'm coming back on Thursday, so...next Monday. July 10. Confidence Man. Look for it. And until then...review.