Chapter 7

One Betrayal Away

I sat in my chair, still in front of Loki's cell. We had sat in a tense silence for a few minutes now, not sure how to proceed with our conversation after I had told him my story.

I picked up my iPod off the floor, where it still played music quietly, and launched an app. It was a game called Dragon's choice: just a little multiple choice game that could pass the time when you were bored. I rarely played it, and hadn't gotten very far. I sat in silence for a few more minutes, playing the game, making choices for my dragon character.

"What are you doing?" Loki asked.

"Playing a game," I responded absentmindedly.

"On that?"

I glanced up at him. He was looking skeptically at the iPod Touch in my hand. I smiled. "It's probably a weird concept, but yeah, you can do all kinds of things with this." I held up the iPod. "Including playing games, communicating with other people who have them, playing music, yeah, tons of cool stuff."

"I don't see how any game on something that small that doesn't even involve moving around would be fun."

"You'd be surprised at what we silly mortals find fun," I smirked, thinking of watching television, video games, and phone and iPod apps. "I'm playing a game where you make decisions that change the fate of your character. It's pretty fun."

Loki still looked rather unimpressed.

I sighed. "Here, I'll start a new game and we can both play." I dragged my chair over so the back leaned against the glass, and then sat down in it again. With a series of taps on the screen, I deleted my current game and started a new one. "Okay, so the game is called Dragon's Choice. You pretend you're a dragon, right? So the game will give you a scenario, and choices of what you can do. Your choices affect what happens next to you. Making different choices gives you points in your wealth, your brutality, your honor, that kind of stuff."

"And the object of the game?" Loki asked in a voice that was badly masking interest.

"To get high points in all of the areas you can. You know, to have a balance of brutality and honor, and to keep people afraid of you so you're still controlling the kingdom," I explained. "I love dragons. Or, rather, the idea of them. I'm not sure I'd like to meet a dragon in real life."

"No, you probably wouldn't. They're very brutal creatures, with no remorse. I like them, personally," Loki said conversationally.

I laughed. "Yeah, there are all kinds of different ideas about dragons in this world. There are books and movies where they're evil, like in Reign of fire, the movie, but then there are the versions where they're really good, or smart, or things like that, like in the Inheritance book series by Christopher Paolini. But usually people just think of them as these creatures that horde treasure or kidnap princesses and breathe fire, wreaking havoc on medieval villages and that sort of thing," I trailed off, smiling dreamily at the opportunity to rant on and on about nerdy stuff like this. "Anyway, Dragon's Choice," I said briskly.

I read the scenarios and the choices you could make out loud for Loki to hear, and then allowed him to choose what move to make. Well, at least I let him choose for the first few questions. After that, I started saying what I would choose, and then debating with him what to do. Most of the time, it wasn't much of a debate, though. I soon realized we both made the same choices in a majority of the situations the game gave you.

When given the choice to kill your enemy or let them live, we both elected to kill. When given the choice of killing our enemies quickly and mercifully or make it slow and painful, we both said to kill slowly and painfully, both of us wearing mischievous grins.

During the first few questions, I stated that "you" could make this or that choice, but soon, I was saying "we" should do that over this.

Together, we schemed to take over the medieval kingdom, with goblins as our minions. WE both usually preferred subtlety with our enemies. WE would lure our opponents to us when we could, and then strike.

As our dragon character killed his brother slowly and painfully, I glumly read out loud, "And our honor points just dropped again. Infamy increased, and brutality increased."

"How is it that you ended up on the good side?" Loki sighed.

I glanced up at him, grinning. "I don't know. Just worked out that way, I guess. Why do you ask?"

"Because you would make a wonderful villain, that's why," Loki smiled, as if he were giving me a compliment.

I looked down at the iPod screen. "Maybe, maybe not. I think I prefer this side of the cell," I tapped on the glass cell wall with my knuckles. "I think the difference is that this is a game. I can choose whatever I want to without it having any real repercussions that can't be erased later. My conscience stops me in real life. I know you probably don't know what that is," I added with raised eyebrows, looking at him pointedly. "You know, that thing that tells you what's wrong and what's right inside your head. You probably don't have one, huh? I, on the other hand, do. I usually try to do what's right."

"That's good, I suppose," Loki said with a slight smile.

"Why's that?" I asked, looking up with a frown.

"Because that means it would just take a good push to make you join the brutal killers."

I looked at him carefully, not sure if he was joking or being serious. "What exactly do you mean?"

He smirked. "If all that's stopping you from being like me is your conscience, then that means if you thought you were doing the right thing, your conscience would be clear. You could kill those you thought deserved it, and not feel guilty. Following your conscience is a funny thing that way, Naomi. You simply have to believe you're doing the right thing. Your conscience isn't infallible. It's biased by your emotions and beliefs. And by what happens to you."

"And you think it would take one good push to make me switch sides?" I asked critically. "What exactly do you mean by a push?"

"Anything powerful enough to make a big impact on your emotions or beliefs. Something that would cloud your judgment, obviously. Grief, love, anger," he listed off quickly. "A need for vengeance. If you were betrayed and wanted vengeance, I think that would be enough for you to switch sides."

I looked at him skeptically, not sure I believed him.

"Betrayal is something that can cloud your inner thinking very much. I think you're probably one good betrayal away from being on my side," Loki said smoothly, smirking knowingly.

I frowned, looking at him thoughtfully. "One betrayal away…" I repeated. "One betrayal away from being on 'your side,'" I repeated again, the sides of my mouth twitching a little. "Why, Loki, I think you're accidentally telling me you want me to be on your side."

The smug, knowing smirk fell away from his face. His mask of distant superior arrogance and self-satisfied smugness was gone. It was replaced by an anxious expression, full of self-loathing. His hands clenched into fists at his side, and his gaze went to the floor as he blushed slightly, avoiding my eyes.

I smiled to myself, feeling a perverse sense of satisfaction at his embarrassed reaction to my suggestion. But I wasn't sure exactly what I was so satisfied about. Was it that I had made him feel embarrassed? Or was it the words that had caused the reaction that pleased me? I clenched my hands tightly around my iPod to stop them from trembling so much as I gazed at him, still smiling smugly.

"Quit looking at me like that," Loki muttered, looking at me resentfully.

"Looking at you like what?" I asked, trying to suppress my satisfied smile.

"Like I just told you something amusing, he snapped.

"Who says you didn't?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I didn't tell you anything of the sort."

I was silent for a moment, looking at his still embarrassed, somewhat irritated face. "Let me tell you a little something I once heard. Ninety percent of human communication is nonverbal. So that means ninety percent of what you're saying isn't coming out of your mouth."

He was giving me a look. It was pained, angry, troubled, and unsure. I had finally backed him into a corner, and he hated it. There wasn't anything he could say. I had penetrated his defenses, and now he was vulnerable. How cute.

For some reason I was immensely enjoying being able to toy with him like this. His glare, which clearly stated 'I hate you so much for putting me in this situation' made it hard not to grin. I could see the wheels in his head turning as he tried desperately to think of a way to turn the conversation back in his favor. I had somehow taken control. The balance of power had been tipped in my favor. "It sucks to not be in control, doesn't it?" I asked casually. "I just noticed, that's another way we're kind of similar. Every conversation we have is a battle for power over the other person. WE both are always trying to be in control. WE hate it when we don't know what to say."

Loki gritted his teeth, still giving me that pained, angry, troubled look. "What the hell am I supposed to say to you, Naomi? What the hell do you want me to say to you?"

My smile vanished as I looked him in the eyes. I bit my lip, not sure exactly how to answer. His eyes weren't angry or embarrassed or even unsure anymore. His gaze was intense, and pleading, as if begging for me to say something. It almost scared me. I looked away from him, instead looking at my hands in my lap. My left hand still gripped my iPod, the game of dragon's Choice forgotten. My right hand was balled into a tight fist, my fingernails digging into my palm, knuckles white. Both were trembling slightly. "I don't know," I finally answered him in a hushed voice, feeling like a chastised child.

I heard Loki let out a deep sigh, as if he had been holding his breath. Then I heard his footsteps as he retreated to the other side of the small cell.

Neither of us spoke for a long moment. I felt… odd. Confused, even. What, exactly, had just happened between us? One second, I had had him in the palm of my hand, enjoying making him uncomfortable. I stopped to examine those emotions. I had been happy to have that small bit of power over him. Over anyone, really. I had been manipulative in that moment. And power-hungry. Maybe I was closer to being a villain than I had thought. One minute I had been teasing him… and the next…. All the humor was gone. He had asked the question of what I had wanted him to say. And I didn't know. What did he want me to want him to say? He had been giving me that pleading look. He had wanted me to say something. But what? Heck, what had I wanted him to say to my teasing about him wanting me to be on his side? What exactly had I been trying to gain?

The simple solution to my quandary immediately came to me. In fact, the thought had been floating around me all night, I had simply been telling myself it wasn't true. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to like me because, well, I liked him. This was what I had been denying to myself all night. I couldn't like him. Not the way I did now.

Yet with a mixture of regret, doom, and confusion, I realized I liked him far more than I was willing to admit to anyone. I wouldn't even admit it to myself. But I did like him far more than I should.

One betrayal away, he had said. He said he thought a need for vengeance would cause me to join the dark side. He said that if it was just my conscience stopping me from being like him, a powerful emotion could cloud inner judgment. Grief, love, anger, or a need for vengeance, he had said. Love.

For a moment, the thought scared me. Then, curious, I wondered, 'Couldn't that work both ways, though?' Cautiously, I looked up at Loki. He was sitting with his head bowed, his face in his hands. For a second, I thought he was crying. "Loki?" I asked quietly.

When he looked up, though, he wasn't crying. He was frowning slightly, but looked otherwise emotionless.

I contemplated just saying 'never mind, forget it' and going back to silence. But I was sincerely curious as to how he would answer my question. "You know how you said it takes a big emotion to impact your life, and then that can cause you to switch sides?"

Loki nodded, still frowning slightly.

"Well, I was thinking…" I twisted my hands together, somewhat nervous. "If you think all it would take is, you know, one good push to make someone switch sides, then wouldn't that mean…" I trailed off once more before finishing breathlessly, "Wouldn't that mean it would just take a 'push' to make you switch sides, too?"

Loki didn't answer for a moment, frowning at me. Then a humorless smile twisted his lips. "No, it doesn't mean that."

I looked at him hard. "Why not? You're so determined to think that I could switch sides so easily, so why not—?"

"I wouldn't switch sides as easily as you because we don't have the same drive. I told you before, the reason you would easily switch sides is because you follow your conscience. As you were so quick to point out earlier, I don't have a conscience. Therefore, my judgment can't be clouded by the same things that yours can," Loki explained patiently. "What drives me is vengeance. Like we said earlier, a need for vengeance is a powerful thing. With no conscience, it's a dangerous thing. Nothing will stand in the way of me getting vengeance."

I looked at him sadly. "Can betrayal and vengeance really take over your life like that?"

Loki shrugged wearily. "I suppose so. Have you really never wanted revenge on someone?"

I shrugged indifferently, though I cringed inwardly and tried to ignore the sour taste in my mouth that had come at the idea of wanting revenge.

Loki frowned at me curiously. "You look as though there's more to it than a simple shrug. You look somewhat troubled."

I scratched my head and shrugged again, purposefully shaking a few strands of hair into my face so he couldn't see the pained expression on it.

"Come now, Naomi, what's the story?" he asked in a mockingly sweet tone.

I glared at him for a moment. "None of your business, that's what."

Loki snorted with laughter. "After everything we've told each other tonight, now you're bringing up whether it's my business or not?"

"Smeg you," I muttered, feeling cornered and small and vulnerable.

Loki gave me a calculating look. "Well, then, if you're not going to tell me, perhaps I can guess."

I raised my eyebrows at him but didn't say anything.

"Could it be that you wanted revenge on your birth mother for ruining the first five years of your life?"

I shook my head sullenly, not daring to speak.

Loki frowned slightly. "The only others I can imagine you would want revenge on, from what you've already told me of your life, would be either the man who experimented on you and killed your family, or the two others who survived in the basement and weren't experimented on."

"I've got to hand it to you, you were paying attention when I told you my story," I said drily. "You remembered how long I was with my birth mother before being taken away from her, and you remembered the number of people who survived the mad scientist's kidnapping."

"Yes, yes," Loki said impatiently. "Now let's get to the part where you tell me what it is with you and your fear of the idea of revenge taking over someone's life."

I gave him a dirty look. "You're really determined to get this out of me, aren't you?"

He nodded, smiling slightly.

"Why, exactly? Just to prove that I would be a good villain?"

He shook his head, still smiling.

"Then why?" I asked suspiciously.

Loki gave me a patronizing smile. "I've decided I don't need to explain every decision I make and every reason I do things. Now, continue with the story."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Since you're not going to drop this, I'll tell you. When I woke up from the coma with my powers, they told me that my family had died getting experimented on by that guy. Honestly, I don't even remember his name. I didn't care, so it didn't actually stick in my mind. I told you before that nick Fury came and met me in the hospital after I woke up, after I learned what happened to everyone else. Well, besides the other two who hadn't gotten experimented on… anyways. The guy had left me without any family. The only choice left for me was to join SHIELD or try to make it on my own. I was honestly going to try to make it on my own, but Fury said if I joined SHIELD, I'd be able to help kill my family's murderer. I'm not going to deny it; I was dying to get revenge on the guy. I wanted to cause him a new kind of excruciating, painful torture the likes of which he'd never felt before. I joined SHIELD because it was going to give me the chance to do that." I was silent a moment, brooding over my memories.

"Did you kill him?" Loki prompted in a gentle voice.

I clenched my jaw. "No."

"Why not?" Loki asked in surprise. "Don't tell me you changed your mind at the last moment, deciding you couldn't take a life. Don't tell me you decided you were too noble for that, or that you swore to never kill. I didn't take you for that kind of dramatic hero."

"No," I snarled, my hands curling into fists. "I would've done it. I didn't get the chance." I stood up and kicked the glass of Loki's cell as hard as I could. "Someone else got to him before SHIELD did!" I shouted in an anguished voice. "I didn't get the opportunity to give the guy what he deserved, he was just gone, and I couldn't get my closure I was going to get by getting revenge!" I kicked the glass again, less forcefully this time. My foot was sore after the first kick, but I still had more anger to get out. "I was going to make sure he understood the pain he had caused me, and that he regretted what he'd done. I was going to make sure he didn't have anything in his world but pain when he died! I was going to make him beg me for death." I kicked the glass once more, feebly and without much conviction this time. "Instead he just got a sniper rifle bullet through his skull. It was over in a second. He didn't even know what had happened before it was over." And in a growl, I enunciated every word very clearly. "I didn't get to avenge my family." I took a deep, shaky breath and pulled myself together before looking up at Loki once again.

He nodded grimly, looking grave, as if he could possibly understand what it was like.

I sighed. "So my thing with revenge is that I don't get it. I didn't know if it would have actually helped me get closure, or if it would have just haunted me for the rest of my life. I just wish I could've been given the choice to actually kill him or not. I think I would've done it."

Loki's mouth curled up at the corners. "And yet you say you wouldn't possibly be a villain."

I gave him a death glare, telling him it was not appropriate to say that at this time.

Immediately, he stopped smiling. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry you didn't get your revenge."

I gave him a disgusted look and sank into my chair once again. "I'm not sorry."

"I thought you said you wanted closure, and to cause him pain, and revenge."

"I did. I do. It's just that little thought at the back of my mind that's afraid it wouldn't be enough. Say I did kill him. Say I caused him every possible pain in the world, made him regret the day he was born, and the day he kidnapped my family, and the days he killed them. Say I got my revenge on him. And then say I didn't get what I wanted. Say I never felt like I had avenged them, and that killing the scientist who experimented on them wasn't good enough? What would I have done then?" I pushed my hair out of my face. "I'll tell you what would happen. If I wasn't satisfied with killing the scientist, I would blame someone else. Who else? I don't know. Maybe I would take my need for vengeance out on the other two survivors because they survived and my family didn't. It wouldn't be their fault, but hey, my judgment would be impaired by those pesky emotions. I might say they deserved to die, because it should have been them rather than my family. If I still wasn't satisfied, I might track down my birth mother. Blame her, she gave birth to me, she shouldn't have let me go through so much pain in life. Take revenge on her for allowing what happened to me. If that wasn't enough, then what? I might simply decide to blame the world. Take my anger and punish the world. Whoever is in it.." I looked up at Loki once more. "That's my fear of revenge. A fear of wanting it and never satisfying the need for it. And punishing innocent people who have nothing to do with it, because I hadn't gotten revenge. So on one hand, I wish I could've tried to get revenge, but on the other, I'm glad I wasn't given the chance to become a slave to vengeance." I then stood up. "I'll be back." I started to leave. I needed a minute to get my thoughts organized. I was thinking too much about all the negative stuff in the past. I needed a minute alone.

"You're leaving?" Loki asked in a nearly-panicked voice.

"I'll be back," I repeated. "I'm just… going to get some water." And some control over my emotions, I added to myself. Too many emotions. Too many confusing thoughts were in my head right now. Like the fact that I was so comfortable sharing all this with Loki… and then the memories themselves. I needed a break.

And once I got ahold of myself, I would come back and talk to him more. Because as much as I hated to admit it, I really wanted to keep talking to him. How weird.

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Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Kudos to Dragon's Choice, as well as to Reign of Fire and the Inheritance cycle by Christopher Paolini… and dragons in general. :) I used a quote from the Will Smith movie, Hitch, as well. The whole "90% of what you're saying isn't coming out of your mouth" is not mine. This chapter was more of a study of human nature and the idea of following your conscience than fan fiction material, but I don't care. This chapter is like a glimpse into the way my mind works. Kinda weird, huh? In any case, I hope you liked it.

Oh, yes, and I thought you may want to know: the next chapter is going to be from Loki's point of view. Poor guy.

Poor me. I have to write from this guy's point of view. I hope I can pull it off well.

Edit: Since writing the above, something of the most serious nature has occurred. (Sorry that was a quote from Pride and Prejudice) I am going to be going to summer camp for about 2 months. The next couple chapters are unfinished so after this chapter I don't have anything to post. It will be some time until I can post the next part of Battle of Wits. But don't despair, it shall be finished! ….sometime. (Please no death threats to make me finish it)

Note from darkonesroses: yup, still shipping Naoki. And yes, my sister is going to her summer camp, and I also am going to my own camp for 3 weeks so I won't be posting my stuff either. Please no death threats, even if they are in good jest. Please comment, hugs and loves!