disclaimer: own nothing, characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Although I think the hotel is of my own creation... I hope
This chapter was very hard to write, Bella is strong, but she is human. Pain is natural and I want her to understand she has to go through it before it gets better.
this chapter is not yet edited, so there will be mistakes. Still seeking a beta. Let me know if your interested.
Bella's POV
I pulled into the parking lot of the La Mystique Brescia Hotel, after hours of driving around in what essentially seemed to be a circle. I realize that I was not going to get anywhere, if I continued. My body is tried and I am feeling weary. It has been over a day since I last had a meal or even food for that matter. I was weak and tired in one. This was precisely what I needed after what I have been through today. I thought sarcastically.
I entered the lobby of the hotel, it was a beautiful sight before my eyes, and I would say the highlight of my day. There were a waterfall in the middle of the lobby with a fountain rising from the middle. The colors were very eccentric and the lighting was beautiful. I knew by the looks of the chandeliers it cost millions, because they were glowing and well detailed. It was hard to take my eyes off the beautiful decorations around me. Memories began to consume me as I remember when Edward and I took a trip to Hawaii and we stayed at a hotel similar to the decor of this hotel. Tears began to well up in my eyes.
I can now see and understand what my mother meant about having your heart broken. It is the saddest and most painful thing I have ever endure in my existence thus far. All my energy has left me and everything around me has been losing its meaning. Imagine giving your life, soul, and heart to someone who love and only to have them abuse it. You suddenly realize that all you had with this person is no more and there is nothing you can do about it, but try to get your life back together. Do you know how much that hurts? How can you ever love or make yourself whole again? Was that even possible? Who do you turn to for comfort? Heck who do I or would I turn to?
Happily the concierge interrupted my thoughts bringing me back to the much hated reality of life, "Hello, Good
Evening, how can I help you today?" He asked, I was so caught up in my head I that I did not pay him any attention.
"Good afternoon Miss?" he stated again a bit louder, seeming a bit annoyed by my silence.
"Oh, I am sorry," I said giving him an apologetic smile.
"That's okay, how can I help you today?" He asked politely with a small smile
"I would like a one bedroom suite, with a great view of the city." I told him
"How long are you planning on staying?" He asked.
I wasn't exactly sure, but I knew a day was not going to be enough. I needed a lot of time to figure some things out.
"Um... A week." I said that trying to contemplate if that would give me enough time to sort things out. I highly doubt it, but I could always extend if needed.
"Ok, let me see what I can do for you..." he said, while him staring at the screen before him. "A... I found something that might be to your liking. Would you like to add breakfast to your package? We also have a great dinner package also." He said with an even wider smile than before.
"Yes and Yes" I said in a hurry, I didn't care a room with a view was all I needed.
"Okay great! Let me add those for you." He stated, "your total is ... 1,360.95. How will you be paying for this?"
"A visa credit card." I said looking straight at him. I handed him my card and told him all the necessary information he needed to know
"Ok Mrs. Cullen, (I cringed at the sounding of the name) you will be on 11th floor room 1119, while you enjoy your stay here with us, I would like to fill you in on the specials we are having for this week." I just stood there nodding away waiting for this man to finish off; I tried very hard being as polite as I could.
"Would you like someone to take your luggage up to your room Mrs. Cullen?" he asked
"What luggage?" I smirk and sauntered away.
I step into the elevator and press the eleventh floor, what seem like forever it finally stopped. I was on
My floor. As I step off the elevator I look towards my right checking the numbers to see which way to go, realizing the numbers were going down I knew I was headed in the right direction, it didn't take too long for me to find room 1119. I quickly slide the key into the door that I was given and opened the door.
My eyes wandered over to the bedroom window as I walked into the room. I slammed the door behind me, though it wasn't on purpose. I walked over and fell upon my bed, tears streaming down my rosy red cheeks. When did my life get so screwed up?
I'm not sure where it started really or why. Everything just seemed to be slowly falling apart and finally, more recently, everything just collapsed leaving nothing left. Now I'm not sure what to do to go about rebuilding, or even cleaning up the mess. The disaster just seems to have gotten bigger and bigger and it's getting so hard to control.
They say nothing lasts forever, well I guess now I can see. Nothing in this world is strong enough to hold on through everything and anything that comes its way. So eventually it will have to break apart and crumble until it is nothing but a pile of shattered pieces along the ground. If only I had understood this sooner, maybe I could have done something to stop it, to fix it. If I really think about it though, I wonder if I really could have done anything. Would it really have been so easy, even if I had known before now? Would it have even made a difference?
Somewhere inside I know that there was little to nothing that I could have done to stop or to change this. I had to try to remember that it wasn't my fault. None of this was my fault, even if it felt like it was sometimes. I knew it wasn't, though sometimes it was hard to say that and believe it. It's the truth though and inside I know that sometimes it's just a little hard to believe.
As I looked up from my pillow, the evening sky was approaching. I began to wonder how long I had lain here crying. It felt like time wasn't passing fast enough so I couldn't bring myself to look at the clock. The nagging of the time remained in my mind like an alarm and eventually I gave in to look at the bedside clock. It had been almost half an hour, I was actually surprised. It hadn't felt like time had gone anywhere. I guess it had moved forward. Maybe I was just lost in my thoughts again.
I sat up slowly with a small sigh. I wiped away my tears before looking back to the window. My eyes closed and I prayed to god for help. I needed help; I couldn't do this all alone anymore. I wasn't sure if I believed in God or not, but if he was there I really could use his help. So I prayed, with all my heart and soul I prayed for help, for knowledge to know what to do. I just didn't know what to do.
My eyes slowly opened and I ended the prayer with, Amen. I wasn't sure what kind of answer I would get, or if I even would get an answer at all but I still had to try. At this point, God was my last hope. Who else could I turn too? My family was of no help, mother and I were always fighting, my friends just wouldn't understand and of course they would be on his side, they would more look to comfort him and seeing that Emmett knew about this I wouldn't be surprise if they all knew, they are probably laughing at me now. And even if they didn't, I did not want to be, I did not wish to be bombarded with questions and tiny details from my friends which is what I knew was going to happened if I spoke to them. I didn't want to deal with that. I guess I would just have to wait for it to blow over, and father was just as helpful as a blade of dead glass. He wouldn't know what to do if I asked him for help. Yes, I am being serious.
So I had nowhere, no one else to turn too. I didn't think that I would get a very direct answer from God, but maybe something, anything would help. That's what I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in him and that he would help me. I just hoped that's all I needed.
My entire relationship with Edward was just based on promising lies. I remember when he gave me twelve red roses, eleven real and one fake. With them he said, "I will love you until the last one dies". Of course, since one is fake, the last one can never die. So being the naïve girl I was, I believed and hoped for it to be true, at least until now I know the truth.
His feelings for me had faded and he found he wanted someone new. He promised to love me until the last rose died, but it never did. Only his love went away. Maybe he still love me, just his feelings changed I thought.
I tried to hold back the tears that desperately tried to break free of my hold. I wanted to be strong; I wanted to pretend that I wasn't hurting inside. I had been a fool to fall for such a boy. They say love is blind though and yes, I had been very, very blind to everything. Looking back everything was so obvious. His true feelings for her were clear as day. I had just been too in love to see it. I didn't want to see it.
Even now, I am still in denial I don't know if I can move on from this. After all the pain he put me through I was still in love with him. My feelings were still strong without any sign of hesitation or fading. I wanted to forget him though. I wanted my memories of him, or them together, to simply fade away. I wasn't so lucky though I feared. The memories were clear and still just as painful.
He had used me but I didn't understand why. He had been so good to me. His act was perfect. Why did he throw it all away? I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I wanted to know, I wanted to change what I did but I knew deep in my heart that this was not my fault. Or at least that is what I want to believe. It had been his choice. He chose to hurt me without a care towards my feelings. I had nothing to do with it. What he did to me was his choice, not anyone else's. No one could make him do anything he didn't want too and I knew that no one had tried.
A few tears ran down my cheeks smearing the little make up I wore. I couldn't be strong when I was alone. The silence made it so hard not to think about all the hurt. The silence is what brought on the tears and the pain, and the hurt, and the suffering. I couldn't make the pain fade, I didn't know how.
Moving closer to the pillow I buried my head in my knees crying. I could no longer stop the uncontrollable tears from falling anymore. I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to. This time I wasn't strong enough, the feelings were just too overwhelming for me. I wasn't strong or perfect enough to stop the tears.
This time was different. This time the breakup made me feel like I was dying inside. It felt like my heart has been ripped to pieces into some sort of physical emotional pain that I couldn't quite yet control or even begin to understand.
The level of the pain drove my inside but when I was alone I let all the pain out. A sort of healing for me, the tears I tried to hold back was the medication and the time was the effect. With each new tear a little more pain fade away and when I could not cry anymore I would calm down slowly only to notice the effect. The pain for now was dim and now able to be ignored.
The pain came back though every time just has horribly painful as before. The pain never went away completely though I begged the lord that it would soon. I couldn't take this anymore, of that I was definitely sure. I needed something to fill this void, I was too open and vulnerable at this moment. I had to stay away for a while or else everything from here on out will end badly. I had to figure things out.
THANKS A LOT TO ALL THE WONDERFUL FANS OF THE STORY AND THE FAITHFUL REVIEWERS. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. HOPE YOU ENJOY AND DID NOT CRY, I WAS TEARY EYE WRITING IT. POOR BELLA. EDWARD'S AN ASS ! ANYONE ELSE AGREE? SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS !
