Over the weekend, Charlie said he was going down to some reservation to watch fucking sports or some shit with some paraplegic and his son. I told him I was going, too, because to be honest, I'd rather not get thrown in witch jail for killing Edward Cullen. I had a feeling the fucker was stalking me or some shit. At least with Charlie around, I won't be as tempted to telekinetically choke slam the shit out of him.

I had no choice but to ride along with Charlie, I couldn't very well tell him I wanted to use a fucking broom instead. Like he would take that news well. Charlie pulled his police cruiser into a driveway and some round-faced, dark-skinned native kid bounded out the door like a fucking puppy. I swear, I saw a tail. He grinned at Charlie and excitingly licked his cheek or something equally as dog-like. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

"Bell?"

I looked up, bored. "What?"

"Remember Jake?" Charlie asked.

I snorted. "No."

"When you came to Forks one time when you were four, you and Jake played outside while Billy and I watched—"

How was I supposed to remember that shit? I was four years old for fuck's sake! I once again stopped listening and pushed the fucktard out of the way so I could let myself into his house. I helped myself to their couch and gave a grunt to Bobby when he said hi.

"So, Bella, you've gotten older." Bobby said conversationally.

"That's what people tend to do, dumbass." I replied as I played Angry Birds on my cellphone even though it wouldn't be invented for a couple years. I'm a witch, I can do shit like that.

He scowled. "Not all people."

"Celebrities are people, Bobby." I reminded.

"It's Billy."

"Same shit."

"And I wasn't talking about celebrities. I was talking about the Cullens."

I looked. What is up with these fucking Cullens, man? They're everywhere. I can't fucking escape them! Well, if he was going to volunteer information...—it would be rude to turn him down. "What about 'em?"

"They're vampires!" Fucktard jumped in, wagging his tail and hopping up and down in excitement. "Yup! Vampires! And I'm a werewolf! And I hate vampires! But I love you! In fact, I think I've imprinted on you. Can I hump your leg?"

Bobby smacked Fucktard on the back of the head.

"That's some strong shit you're smoking there, kid." I told him as I closed out Angry Birds and opened up Temple Run.

"No, I'm serious—Ow!"

Bobby had taken a near by vase and smacked the shit out of Fucktard. Didn't know this would be so entertaining. I should come here more often.

"Dad, what was that for? I was ju—"

"Hey, you," I interrupted. "You wanna take me up to your room?"

His eyes lit up. "Okay, sure!" He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me down the hall. Once he opened the door and directed me to his bed, I searched for his bong or pipe or gravity or whatever he fucking uses to smoke.

"Where's your stash?"

"Stash?"

"Yeah, you know, of pot." I prodded. I, of course, had my own in my back pocket encase I got bored enough, but to be honest, I wasn't willing to share.

"I don't smoke."

I snorted. "Right. And I'm motherfucking Santa Claus."

His eyes got wide. "You aaaaare?"

Dumbshit. He's so baked, he burnt. I pulled my stash out of my pocket and conjured some papers. After casting a charm as to where Charlie and Bobby couldn't smell it, I rolled my joint and lit it magically. The kid's obviously delusional if he thinks he's a fucking dog, so I'm not going to try to be discreet with my magic. No one's going to believe the fucktard.

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"You know."

"No, actually, I don't. Why's it green? Is it a plant? Is it grass? Are you smoking weeds or lettuce or something?"

I smirked. "Or something. So, kid, tell me more about those Cullens."

He jumped up on the bed from his sitting position on the floor and started to scamper in circles to get comfortable. Once he was curled up in a ball with his fury head on his paws, he began his story.

"Well, I'm a werewolf that loves you. I'm also a werewolf that hates vampires, 'cause vampires are stinky and smelly and ugly and annoying and they smell like flowers, but not those flowers that smell icky but smell nice like...sweet things. And they're perfect and pretty and kind of attractive, especially that one with the red hair and the perfect teeth and the gold colored eyes—No! I hate vampires! Vampires are icky and bad and not good!"

I raised my eyebrow and blew smoke in his face. He coughed and waved his hand to clear the smoke away. I let out more vapor with a smirk.

"Ahem, anyway, I'm a totally straight werewolf. Werewolves and vampires totally hate each other because...we just do. The Cullens are vampires and they aren't allowed on our land 'cause we made a treaty with them years ago. The Cullens nom-nom-nom on animal blood instead of human, so therefor are harmless. So we said if they stayed off our land, didn't make any more vampires, and never killed a human, we wouldn't kill them. Wow, why is my room turning orange? Whoa, Bella, your head is really big."

I offered him my joint and he looked at it with distaste before hesitantly taking a pull. He immediately coughed and thrust the joint back to me.

"Cough it out." I said. "So, the Cullens are vampires, huh? That explains some shit."

"And I'm a werewolf! I'm so special and awesome! Love me! Prove to everyone I'm totally straight and love vaginas!"