A/N: Yeah! 22 reviews for my last chapter! I am so loved. Well here's chapter 6, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto period.
Legend
"…normal..."
"…thoughts..."
"…Kyuubi & Inner Sakura,Ino,Tenten,Hinata talks/Jutsu..."
"…Kyuubi thinks…"
Chapter Seven: Missions/Filler Chapter
Kakashi, Sakura, and the now female Haku have finally reached Konoha.
"Alright, I'm going to take Haku with me to Hokage-sama. Sakura, you're going to find Naruto and Sasuke. They're rumors that they're in the hospital. And remind Naruto he needs to talk to Hokage-sama." Kakashi said as both him and Haku disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
At the hospital Sakura went to the front desk.
"Hi, I'm looking for Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke." replied Sakura.
"Third floor, left wing, room 316." said the nurse.
"Thank you." The nurse gives her a helmet.
"What's this for?"
"Believe me; you'll going to need it."
Sakura heads up to the third floor to their room. She opens the door to see Naruto on top of his drapes throwing whatever he can grab.
"Get away! I don't want a shot!" said Naruto.
"Get down Uzumaki-san. We're not going to give you a shot." said one of the nurses.
"That was what the other nurse said and she stuck one on my ass!"
"Sasuke-san, get your ass in bed or else we'll tie you down." said another nurse.
"Screw you, I need to train." Sasuke said before he was knocked out by a nurse and tied to the bed.
"Damn boys." said Sakura as she took cover under an overturned bed.
At the Hokage Tower…
"So you want to be a shinobi of Konoha?" inquired Sarutobi.
"Yes." said Haku.
"Interesting. Tell me Kakashi, how would you rate her in terms of abilities?"
"She would be at least high level Chunin bordering Jonin. Also she has extensive knowledge of human anatomy and medicine considering she was a former hunter-nin of Kirigakure." said Kakashi.
"Well then. Can you tell me your name Miss?" questioned Sarutobi.
"My name's Haku Mayuki (Ma pure, yuki snow)" replied Haku.
"Alright Miss Mayuki, I'll enlist you as a Jonin medic-nin. And if you want to join the hunter-nins, we can make arrangements."
"Thank you."
"Now, we need to make your living arrangements."
"That's not a problem, I'll be staying at Naruto-kun's place.
Back at the hospital Naruto and Sasuke were released, only because Sasuke won't stay put and Naruto got his shot after Kyuubi shoved pictures of Hinata looking innocent yet
in revealing poses after he refused to get his shot and also interrupting her while watching Icha Icha Soap Opera ("Roderick, no! She's Anna's slutty sister!"). Sasuke left to brood in his own juces while Naruto went to the Hokage Tower where he told Sarutobi about him and Kyuubi. Sarutobi at first questioned the fact that Naruto's receiving training from the fox and also on good terms but he trusted his judgment. What he didn't count on was that he called Kyuubi a guy so half the floor was covered in blood. ("New rule. Call me a guy and I perform Oiroke. More fun than burning them")
Considering that Sarutobi will be out for a while Naruto went to look for Haku. On the way out…
"Hey Haku, so how did it go with the old man?"
"As of now I'm officially a Konoha Jonin."
"Alright, say did you take our stuff back with you."
"No, we burned it after you guys invaded our privacy."
"SAY WHAT?! MY SUMMONING SCROLL AND GAMA-CHAN WAS IN THERE!" yelled Naruto.
"Calm down, I was just kidding. I know it wasn't your fault, though I'm not sure about the Uchiha. Anyways Kakashi dropped it off at your place."
They went over to Naruto's apartment to only see it a complete mess (Naruto mess, not Fry mess).
"This is going to take a while." Haku sighed.
For the rest of the afternoon they cleaned up the apartment. After they made it livable and then some Naruto realized…
"Holy shit! I have an extra bedroom and carpet!" yelled Naruto.
"You didn't know?" questioned Haku.
"No, when I got the apartment, it was already a mess. Plus that damn door was stuck so I gave up on opening it."
"Well, since nobody's using it I might as well take it." Haku said as she claimed her new room.
"Damn, she got the good room."
And so two weeks has past since then. Sakura, having learned lots in the library decided that if she found this Tsunade person she would ask to be her apprentice.
Somewhere in the middle of Sunagakure (think of a cross between Vegas, Monaco, and some desert city)…
"ACHOO!" sneezed Tsunade. Of course once she did that she scored jackpot in pachinko.
"Yay Tsunade-sama! You won again!" Shizune and Tonton cheered.
"Yeah." said Tsunade. "Is it just me or am I sensing the apocalypse? Or is it just Jiraiya."
Somewhere in Grass Country Jiraiya sneezed outside a bath house which resulted in him getting his perverted life shortened even further.
Sasuke managed to perform a decent sized Karyuu however in the middle of the second week he started having nightmares (the scary-in-a-scarred-for-life-kind) too scary for him to say.
Naruto finally learned to enter dreams but he won't try it again anytime soon because of what happened above, increased his weights to 250 lbs (A/N: I won't make him muscular-guy-in speedos buff but defined shoulders buff by the third exam, and sorry for the image), managed 3 one-handed Rasengans before the fourth exploded on his face, and working on his Tatsumaki Homura on a pile of rats. And once again the bachelors of Konoha were visited by the one and only Tenjin/Tennin (both mean celestial being and I can't tell which one is feminine) which happens to be the horny Kyuubi.
Now we'll jump to the point where the Konoha 12 learn the chaos that is missions.
"Alright, I called all of you to do cross-team missions. Hyuuga Hinata, Kishi Tenten, Yamanaka Ino, and Haruno: you're babysitting Aki-sama triplets. Seems she doesn't trust males as much with her precious girls." said Sarutobi.
"Hai, Hokage-sama." they simultaneously said.
"Inuzuka Kiba and Nara Shikamaru, you're babysitting the twins of the daimyo."
"How troublesome." said Shikamaru bored.
"Any cats involved?" growled Kiba, still remembering her cat.
"No, she's taking that damn cat with her."
"Fine" "Alright." they both said.
"Rock Lee and Aburame Shino. You're pulling a shift for the plumber Kazuki."
"…" …Shino.
"YOSH! THE PIPES OF KONOHA WILL CLEANSE WITH THE FIRES OF YOUTH!" yelled Lee while everyone face-faulted.
"Hyuuga Neji and Akimichi Choji. You're handling the rat infestation in the sewers."
"Fine." said the brooding Hyuuga.
"Do they taste good?" said Choji hungrily and again everyone face-faulted. (A/N: Too much Metal Gear Solid 3. Still fun making Snake eat everything including rats and flying squirrels).
"I'm so regretting this." "And finally Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto. You'll be handed a B-rank…" Sarutobi was cut off.
"Why do they get a B-rank?" everyone except Lee, Neji, and Hinata said.
"They're the only ones capable of doing this. And believe me; you don't want to do this. And also none of this will be mentioned outside this room. You're teaching 2 separate Sex-Ed classes at the academy to the 11 year olds." Sarutobi said. (A/N: Yeah I know they're too young but I needed a good plot for those two)
"……………SAY WHAAAATTTT!" everyone except Lee who rambled on the flames of youth, Neji who still all serious and brooding (can't describe him well), Hinata who well fainted, and Choji who's busy eating barbecue flavored chips.
The next day…
Naruto (disguised as him 18)
"Yo welcome to Sex Ed. I'm your teacher Urunaki Narutoki. And today you'll be learning the difference between a man and a woman." Naruto taught. "I'm so digging my own fucking grave when I do this." "Now then (performs Oiroke no Jutsu), this is what a woman looks like."
Sasuke (same as Naruto minus curse seal)
"I'm Sanosuke Ukiha. Watch this tape; I'll be back in an hour." Sasuke said when he put the tape in the VCR.
The girls
"Aww, they're like angels." awed the girls.
"Yes they are." said Aki. "They're names are (from wearing red, pink, and yellow) Sayaka, Arumi, and Kaname."
"Hi." the triplets said while the girls awed.
"Now be good for the babysitters. (turns to the girls) And if for some reason one hair on their precious heads are out of place I will personally torture you." said sadistically. They sweatdropped.
When she left Sakura spoke up. "So, what should we do?"
Kiba & Shikamaru
"GET BACK HERE!" roared Kiba as he chased one of the twins (call him Hiro) who stuck his tongue out at him inside the daimyo's mansion. The other twin (Niro) is doing the same to Shikamaru only at a calmer tone.
"GET DOWN HERE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!" swore Shikamaru.
"Oooh. You said bad words. I'm telling." said Niro.
"WHY KAMI! WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING KILL ME OFF RIGHT NOW!" yelled both Genin.
Mario & Luigi/Lee & Shino
"Pass me the adjustable wrench." said Shino.
"Here you go." said Lee. He takes a look at the bathroom. "This bathroom is full of impurities! I must clean it!"
"You do that." said Shino as he fixed the drain.
Neji and Choji
"So many rats, so little time." Neji said as he Kaiten the hell out of the rats. Choji on the other hand…
"For rats they're not bad." munched Choji, barbecuing and eating rats (A/N: Really too much Metal Gear).
"Shit. I don't know what's worse. Seeing the fatass eat rats or Gai and Lee hugging. For once I seriously need a drink." thought Neji as he Hakke Rokujuyon Shou through the hoards of rats.
The girls
For the next hour the girls played games, drew pictures, well whatever girls do (A/N: I'm a guy. I'll never understand women nor any other male…no offense to the females reading this). However on the third hour…
"Where the hell is she!" yelled both Sakura and Ino.
"Why are you looking for Arumi?" said Hinata with a sleeping Sayaka in her lap.
"That little bitch drew on my picture of Sasuke!" they said showing her a picture of Sasuke with a sharpie mustache with words like boys are yucky.
"SHANNARO! KILL THE BITCH AND RIP OUT HER GUTS!" yelled Inner Sakura.
"I DON'T CARE! STRAP HER DOWN AND SHOW WHY THEY CALL YOU DARK MISTRESS INO!" yelled Inner Ino.
"Oh my." said Hinata in a combined Kasumi/Hinata tone.
"HA! Sasuke looks so much better that way. Although he does have a nice ass." said Inner Hinata.
Meanwhile with Tenten…
"Not bad, you hit the target 18 out of 20 times. You're good." Tenten smiled.
"TEACH HER! GET FOLLOWERS! GROW AN ARMY UNDER THE NAME OF DICTATOR TENTEN!" yelled Inner Tenten.
Kiba & Shikamaru
Since the twins wore them out (Kiba and Shikamaru have to play ninja in the mansion) they decided to take a nap. Unfortunately it was a bad move with twins and magic marker.
"Hehehehehe. That'll teach them to make us eat spinach." said Hiro.
"And for making us take a bath." said Niro.
Lee and Shino
"There, done." said Shino.
Lee however went overboard and started to clean the whole house, much to the delight of the wife who was way too overworked to clean up the place.
"I better be paid more for doing this." said Shino.
"If I can't vacuum this, then I must clean the dishes. If I can't do that…" rambled Lee while Shino broke out of character and banged his head on the floor.
Naruto/Narutoki
"And that's the difference between a man and a woman. Any questions?" said Narutoki.
"Yeah, can you show us your boobs again?" drooled one of the boys.
"Ugh, just read this." said Narutoki as he handed out copies of Icha Icha Paradise.
"Man kit, you have one weird way of teaching Sex Ed." said Kyuubi.
"Oh, do you have another way of teaching?" thought Narutoki.
"For you just this once." said Kyuubi as she flashed her chest and Narutoki fainted after one nosebleed. "Heh, still have it."
Sasuke/Sanosuke
"Well, learned anything?" said Sanosuke. He sees the boys have fainted and the girls suddenly eyeing him.
"Sanosuke-sama." all the girls looked at Sanosuke with hearts in their eyes.
"Shit. Like I need more followers of the SFC." thought Sanosuke.
Narutoki again
"Ugh, how long was I out?" said Naruto. He took a look around the room to see it empty and his Icha collection in one neat stack. "Great, somebody took Vol. 12."
"NOOO! That one had Kaji in a threesome!" cried Kyuubi. "I haven't seen a sex scene like that since me and Nibi read Icha Icha Tactics Vol. 3 together!"
"Jeez, do you read my stash while I'm sleeping? Where are my clothes?" questioned Narutoki.
"Oh, as of now you have a fan club."
"Damn. Kami, God, Allah, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tsu,Muhammad, Sea Man. Kill me now! Hehe, semen." Naruto laughed.
"That was a good episode of South Park."
"I agree."
At the end of the day…
"Well, how was it?" Sarutobi inquired.
"I have a fan club now." sighed Naruto.
"I have new members of the fan club." sighed Sasuke.
"I hate kids." scowled Sakura.
"Same here." agreed Ino.
"Ano…" said Hinata shyly.
"She'll be one hell of a kunoichi when she grows up." Tenten cheered.
Kiba and Shikamaru just scowled.
"Mission complete." said Shino.
"MMPF!" Lee muffled all tied up with duct tape over his mouth.
"Rats taste decent." said Choji as everyone stepped 3 feet away from Chojni.
"Kami, God, Allah, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tsu, Muhammad, Sea Man. Kill me now!" said Neji.
Sarutobi sighed.
A few days later…
"Damn, Kakashi better have a better mission for us." complained Naruto.
"Anything but babysitting." said Sakura.
"Better than Sex Ed." said Sasuke.
A few hours later…
"Sorry I'm late but someone sneezed outside my apartment and I have to stay inside for a few hours." lied Kakashi.
"YEAH RIGHT!" yelled both Naruto and Sakura.
"You better have a good mission for us." glared Sasuke.
"I do." said Kakashi. "Bulk up, we're heading north to Yukigakure."
A/N: And I'm done. See you again space cowboy…
Jutsu List
Oiroke no Jutsu (Sexy Technique)
Katon: Karyuu Endan (Fire Release: Fire Dragon Flame Missile)
Rasengan (Spiraling Sphere)
Kafuton:Tatsumaki Homura (Fire and Wind Release: Tornado Flame) – see chapter 1
Hakkesho Kaiten (Eight Trigrams Heavenly Spin)
Hakke Rokujuyon Shou (Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms)
