All Places In-Between

By Mihoyonagi

Chapter Seven: Why we will keep going

I am not an optimist. Optimism has never been part of my personality, nor do I think it will ever find its way in somehow. Even before I was gutted and filled with demons, I was never one to look on the bright side of things.

In fact, I used to drive my mother up the wall. She would always press me to look at the bright side of things, but I, ever the pessimist, would often make mountains out of molehills. Time and again she would tell me that I got such a personality from my father's side, but I never remember my father being quite as much of a downer as people have informed me that I am. Truth is, I don't have many gripping memories of my father, but I'll save that for a therapy session that will never come to light.

It's rather hard for me, then, as one can imagine, to keep optimistic for Yuffie's sake considering my past. It's difficult to change who you are for the sake of someone else. Yes, it's doable. No, it's not easy, no matter who they are to you.

And, that was another thing I was coping with.

What -was- Yuffie to me?

She'd mistaken me for her lover after I'd unselfishly vowed to traipse around the globe with her, in search of her memories. The truth had been a bit of a shock to her- though she acted no differently around me after she'd been informed of our rather formal relationship, I could tell it had bothered her. Perhaps not at first, but as we left Cosmo and walked through the seemingly endless fields of tall grass toward Nibelheim, there was an odd tension between us. I wasn't completely sure that was the problem, however, but it was my best guess.

"Might I ask you something, Yuffie?"

She smiled at this- I could hear it in her voice, though I could not see her face. "I'm usually the one doing the questioning, but I guess I owe you one. Shoot."

"Are you feeling well?"

He foot caught and she just about tripped, but managed to catch herself before she fell. "That wasn't what I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know- for you to ask if I was sure there wasn't anything I remembered and have avoided telling you or something."

"If you're not comfortable talking to me about something you think you remember, I'm not going to force it out of you. I'm not a psychiatrist, and, honestly, I trust you enough to know you would hold enough reasoning behind it."

"Were you always this stiff?"

"Are you going to answer my question?"

She was quiet for a moment, as if weighing her words. "I have a funny feeling. Like wherever we're going isn't right."

Ah, this made more sense than her fretting over the innocent kiss she'd given me. Silly me to think something as trifling as that would bother her...

"The town we are headed toward is called Nibelheim, and it comes as little surprise to me that you'd get a bad feeling. The whole town is a dank, depressing hole in the mountain side, not to mention that most of the people that populate it have been paid off by ShinRa to keep quiet about what happened about six years ago."

I watched her face scrunch up. "Not only do I not remember what you're talking about, I don't think I remember that part from the story Cloud told."

"Don't worry- I don't expect you to remember things off hand like that, and Cloud's story was an overload of information all at once. Nearly six years ago was when Cloud returned to his hometown, Nibelheim, with Sephiroth, as part of a ShinRa squad sent to check on the reactor in the mountain. This is the place where Sephiroth was first possessed by Jenova. He nearly killed both Tifa and Cloud, and then he burned most of the city to the ground. Many of the residents were paid off by ShinRa to cover for what really happened. In a way, this is where everything started. Had Cloud not been in that squad, I doubt any of us would have come together."

She made a quiet noise of affirmation, squinting into the distance. "This is the same town we found you, right?"

"You remember?"

"Yes and no. I remember from Cloud's story."

Well, at least her short-term memory was decent enough.

Surprisingly, it wasn't too late in the day when we reached Nibelheim. The town had expanded slightly, but it was still small enough to be considered backwater. Several people on the street hurried into their houses when they noticed me, and I didn't blame them. Many of them were only afraid of my outward appearance, but I knew the faces of several of them, old ShinRa employees who had relocated after retirement to keep an eye on the town. In the old, tyrannical regime of ShinRa, no one ever truly left the corporation; you didn't have to do daily grunt work any longer, but your ass still belonged to the company. I'll be damned (no pun intended) if there was another employee who had survived being ousted from the company aside from myself. Well, and Cloud, but he'd come out of it with possibly more issues than me, and that's saying something.

"Should we stop for the day, or do you feel you can keep going?"

Yuffie puffed out her chest and flexed her arm muscles. "This is a shitty little hole in the wall. I don't want to stay here if we can help it. I keep getting the heebie-jeebies."

"Before we leave, I think it might be smart to take a look through the ShinRa Mansion."

She looked at the building set against the far reaches of the town and wrinkled her nose in disgust. "I don't like the way this place makes me feel."

"I hate to press it, but I feel as though it might be a good idea to at least look through the place. If you're getting a bad feeling just being in town, we might be able to trigger a memory or two once we are inside."

Her nose remained wrinkled, but she nodded in agreement and began to trudge after me.

The house was as desolate as I remembered. Other than the few times I'd returned as part of Cloud's group, the mansion was somewhere I had avoided. It did nothing but remind me of how fucked up my life had become. Truly, standing in the foyer of the decrepit old shit-hole was the last place on Gaia I wanted to be, but, for the sake of Yuffie and her lost memories, I swallowed my misery, didn't utter a word of complaint, and tried to be a good friend.

Inside, yes, it was killing me, but outside, I remained as cold as stone.

"Didn't Cloud mention something about a basement in this place?"

I nodded and, despite all of the nerves in my body standing on end, led Yuffie down the spiral staircase and into cellar. My heart sounded like a drum in my head, making my ears hurt with every beat. Yuffie, however, would never know how it pained me to be there. The need to find her memories outweighed my own discomfort, no matter how great, if only for a little while.

I paused when I realized she was no longer following me toward the library. My breath hitched when I turned around and caught her standing outside the door where my life took a nosedive into hell. Without even looking toward me, she pushed open the door and walked into the room I'd spent thirty years sleeping off my sins.

I followed her, but I had to force myself to do it. She stood in the middle of the room with her back toward me, looking intently at the coffin I remembered all too well. Her hand shot out in front of her, and she pointed at the casket. "Stand in front of me."

"Yuffie, I-"

"Do it."

The commanding tone in her voice gave me a little jump. She'd always been a little bossy, sure, but that was authority I heard in her words. Something was going on inside that sly little mind of hers.

I did as she bade, as uncomfortable as it made me. Crossing my arms in front of me, I faced her and stood silent and still. I could practically see the gears turning in her head.

She pointed to the right, a few steps in front of her. "That's where Tifa was standing."

My eyebrows just about shot off my head, and I managed to forget my own discomfort for a few moments.

She pointed in between us, wrinkling her forehead in thought. "And that's where Cloud stood."

My heart raced, but for reasons other than fear. "You remember?"

Yuffie turned her head to her left and looked over her shoulder, somewhat ignoring me. "Red was somewhere over there."

She was silent for a while. Then, she looked up at me and smiled. "I don't think I remember conversations or anything, but I do remember being here."

I couldn't help but smile in return. "I'm glad we came down here, then."

"Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here. This basement is as creepy as hell."

Not needing to be told twice, I hightailed it up the stairs of the mansion, Yuffie close behind.

Once on the road again, Yuffie opened her arms wide, toward the sky, and let out a high, chirping laugh. "I can't believe it worked."

"You can't believe what worked?"

She smiled at me, sheepishly. "To be honest, I haven't had much confidence in this whole trip. I mean, we've been on the road nearly a week now, and I guess I was just beginning to lose hope."

"I understand where you're coming from." It was the truth, too. Even though it was a single memory, it was something. Despite my seemingly constant pessimism, I was actually growing rather optimistic over the idea that this trip might be worth something more than sightseeing. It looked as though Yuffie was on the same length of brainwaves, too, because her smile only served to show me how happy she was. That, in turn, only told me that she might not have been happy before. I wonder if our arrangement was making her uncomfortable in some way...

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Is it your turn again?" I reached out my hand and helped her up a waist-high ledge as we began to make our way through the mountain trails.

"It's gonna seem... strange."

"I'm not going to force you to ask me something you're not comfortable with."

"Did it really weird you out when I kissed you? Because you've been acting funny.

Oh, did she really see how ironic that was? No, of course, how could she? I was the one fretting over the idea that she had been fretting over it, and how the tables ended up turning.

"No,it didn't." The response was a lie, but what was I mean to tell her? That it stirred up memories of my past? It had been so long since I'd been able to relax in the presence of a woman, since I'd let another person close to my heart.

Who could blame me? The last woman I loved had undone me.

True, I didn't love Yuffie. I cared for her, as she was as close to a friend as I would willfully allow, but love? Love is something I keep hidden away, far out of reach.

Love is the only emotion that can cripple you, can make you helpless and harmless. You fear to destroy love, and it only serves to destroy you.

"Are you sure? I don't want things to get weird between us."

I had to admit, even with the age difference, I did see Yuffie as a woman. She was naive, and a little too outspoken for my taste, but she had womanly attributes all the same. She exhibited grace when she was walking; she showed appreciation for beauty; she, though I hardly ever witnessed it, could be delicate. Those alone are not traits of a female, but gathered together in one person and you had the right recipe.

"If I may speak freely, Yuffie, it merely surprised me. I didn't want you to grow upset over it. I was worried it had bothered you."

She shrugged like it didn't matter, and we continued to walk.

It wasn't an awkward silence that invaded the space between us, but I could tell she was thinking.

'Perhaps she is hoping for something more?'

'Was that comment of yours devoid of sarcasm?' It was strange to hear Chaos without a snide tone in his voice.

'No,' he continued. 'I just don't want things to go down the wrong path. She's still a child, and you're not ready to admit that your heart can mend.'

'It cannot. Not after what was done to me.'

'You carry your hurt like some sort of medal; it's disheartening, and rather disgusting. Get over yourself. You're alive, you've saved the world, and you have a group of friends who care for you. It's not ideal, but at least your life has a sliver of meaning.'

I thought on that for a moment, quickly coming to a conclusion. 'You don't hate me, do you, Chaos?'

'Ah, now he shows his intelligence.' There it was again, that mockery in his speech. 'I never told you I hated you. I do not like you, but I do not hate you. What I hate is how you love to wallow in self-pity. You hate me, and the rest of the others to a measure I'm sure, because we only serve to remind you of what you lost, of what you weren't strong enough to protect.'

'That's not it, I-'

'That is exactly it. You hate us, your inner demons, instead of putting that hatred toward your flaws, your metaphorical demons. That makes it easier for you- that way, you don't have to accept blame, you don't have to admit you are the one in the wrong. You've many years on you, Valentine, but you're very much a child in your thoughts and reasoning. Don't act so noble all of the time. Despite the things that swim in your blood, that reside in your mind, you're still very much imperfect, and perhaps a little weak. You act so noble, but when the next day breaks yes you will have been wronged in many ways, but you will also remain the man who slept with a married woman and didn't regret it.'

A cacophony of emotions swirled through me. I didn't realize I was growling, much like that of a mad dog, until something hit my shoulder. I snapped my head up and looked at Yuffie, who had a small handful of pebbles in her hand. She threw another little rock at me, just to make sure she had my attention.

"Do I even want to know?"

I sighed, forcing my emotions to level themselves. "My apologies. Just a little inner-dialogue with one of my demons I wasn't truly ready, or willing, to hear."

She made a face at me, then turned and kept walking.

'She thinks you are mad.'

'I might as well be, with all of the voices in my head.'

'Would both of you kindly shut the fuck up?' Hellmasker, the demon who'd spoken to me the least, pipped up. 'You're like an old married couple...' He grumbled, then retreated to the farthest reaches of my mind once more.