Thank you for the wonderful reviews, you guys amaze me!
I'm sorry for any mistakes i wrote this at stupid O'clock as always.
Warning: This chapter contains scenes of a very sensitive nature and I really do not want to upset anyone or trigger anything. You know what the last chapter is about and i really don't want people to be upset or angry so please bare in mind what happened in the last chapter and know what will follow on. x
She couldn't sleep.
She had no idea what time it was, no idea how long she'd been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, the unrelenting heavy hearted pressure in her chest making it virtually impossible to do anything apart from just lie there. She closed her eyes as she felt Charlie shifting next to her, she had no idea why she was pretending to be asleep, just that she didn't feel like talking...she didn't feel like doing anything, she just wanted to lie...to lie and stare at the ceiling.
Her heart stopped as she felt Charlie's hand caressing her stomach, she opened her eyes slowly, knowing that he was still asleep, he would never have done it if he was awake. The intense pressure in her chest suddenly got worse as she felt him stroking her stomach. She swallowed the lump in her throat and gently pushed his hand away from her, she sighed and slowly moved on her side, staring at the ceiling was no longer an option, the wall would have to do...
He'd found her in the middle of her living room on her hands and knees, unable to move, barely able to breathe as pain enveloped her. He thought his heart had stopped as he froze, millions of thoughts running through his mind, it wasn't until he'd heard her cry out his name that he snapped into action. Now, after carrying her to his car and driving like a mad man Elliot watched as Olivia was wheeled into an available hospital room. The pain had subsided on the car but she was as white as a sheet and he knew she was terrified, he was too, he had promised her that everything was going to be okay but he knew something wasn't right...he only prayed Olivia and her unborn baby would be okay.
"El..." she grabbed his hand as she was wheeled past him, pulling him into the room with her, her eyes wide with fear.
He'd been trying since he'd found Olivia to call Charlie but his cell was switched off, Fin and Munch had both tried to radio him but he wasn't responding. His only concern was Olivia so he gave up looking for Charlie very quickly and focussed on his partner and her baby. As she tightened her grip on his hand he turned to her.
"You're gonna be okay," he promised as she forced a small smile, worry written all over her face as she ran her hand along her stomach.
He had promised her that everything would be okay.
He hadn't meant to lie to her, he'd prayed, prayed so hard that everything would be okay. He hadn't and a single night's sleep since then without waking up covered in sweat. It wasn't nightmares that had woken him, not dreams about his inner most fears but memories, memories of the hours he had spend cradling his best friend, wiping the sweat from her forehead and holding her as she sobbed.
No matter what other horrors he had witness in his life, nothing had or ever would come close to causing the overwhelming pain he felt every time he thought about what had happened to his best friend on what should have been the happiest day of her life.
He had promised her that everything would be okay...
The Doctor pursed her lips as she ran the wand across Olivia's stomach, she hadn't said a word since she'd began the sonogram a few moments ago. Beforehand she had suggested that there's more than likely nothing to worry about, that many first time mothers experience discomfort. Both Olivia and Elliot forced nodding smiles, it wasn't discomfort, it was more, it was worse.
Olivia closed her eyes, desperately hoping to hear the heartbeat that she had heard just three days before. She didn't know if she had tightened her grip on Elliot's hand or if he had instigated it but she didn't want to let go, she needed him to hold on. She could feel the tears welling, the fear in the pit of her stomach dangerously close to engulfing her. 'Please', she silently begged, 'please be okay.'
"Olivia, when did you last feel the baby move?" The Doctors tone gave nothing away, Olivia didn't dare open her eyes, terrified as to what she would see in the face of the older woman.
"Um," she swallowed the lump in her throat. "This morning..." had it really been so long ago? She opened her eyes slowly, looking directly at Elliot. She could see the worry etched onto his face, he was frightened...her partner was never scared. She slowly dragged her gaze from Elliot to the Doctor, Kate Gregory.
"Okay," she gave her a soft smile. What did that mean? Was the baby okay? She couldn't read her.
"And you uh, you were assaulted three days ago?" Kate asked, moving the wand from the left to the right side of her stomach, gazing intently at the screen.
Olivia nodded, unable to speak as the fear overwhelmed her. She didn't think it was possible to have a tighter grip on Elliot's hand, she was wrong. She knew that something was wrong, she just needed to know how bad it was, to know if her baby would survive.
Elliot watched as Olivia closed her eyes, he ran his thumb along her hand, unsure of how to make her feel anything other than terrified. Why the hell was the doctor waiting so long, couldn't she see it was it was killing her? They just needed to know, they needed to know if the baby would be okay.
"Were you struck in the stomach at anytime-"
"Doc," Elliot couldn't take it anymore. He felt the lump in the back of his throat as Olivia opened her eyes and took a deep breath.
'Please be okay, please be okay, please, please...'
"Okay, I've been looking for over 5 minutes now," the Doctor placed the ultrasound wand back on the tray. She sat down at the end of the bed and turned to Olivia and Elliot, Olivia had seen the look on Kate's face before, whenever she or Elliot had given bad news to a grieving relative. "There's no heartbeat Olivia, I'm so sorry but your baby has died."
"Your baby has died."
No matter how many times she replayed the words in her mind it never felt real, it hadn't felt real then. Of course it had been real, she wasn't pregnant anymore, she didn't have her baby in her arms, she had...nothing. It was 6 am and despite having nowhere to go and no reason to be awake she couldn't sleep, when she had come home just over 2 weeks ago she had wanted nothing more than to c*rl up in a ball and sleep and for nearly a week that was all she did.
Now? Now she wanted to be up, she wanted to be doing something productive. She still hadn't physically recovered but she hated being stuck in the apartment, with constant reminders of what she no longer had...
Elliot hadn't had single night's sleep since leaving the hospital, how the hell was he supposed to sleep? Knowing how much his friend was suffering? There was no chance. For exactly 27 minutes Elliot had thought that he had lost his youngest child, the trip to the hospital had unbearable, the tug in his stomach almost crippling as he struggled to even fathom the thought of loosing the baby his wife had carried for nearly 9 months. As soon as he got to the hospital and held his beautiful baby boy all the worry drained out of him, he simply stood and stared at his little boy thanking God that he was okay. He'd been lucky.
The thought of those fears becoming reality often kept him awake, he'd sit and watch his son sleep for hours reminding himself that his child was okay, that others weren't so lucky. Olivia wasn't as lucky. Every time he closed his eyes her sobs would echo through his mind and he'd be back in the room as she clung to him, he'd cradled the back of her head and held her as tightly as he could, unable to think straight as grief and sorrow literally overwhelmed him.
Olivia's baby hadn't been lucky, Olivia's baby hadn't survived, the child she had been so desperate for, the baby who would have been the luckiest child in the world to have a mother like Olivia, the baby he had so often thought about as he imagined his partners future. After what seemed like hours she had simply turned onto her side, her hand over her stomach as she stared blankly head, unable to feel anything but the numbness that was slowly overtaking her whole body.
He'd asked a nurse to stay with her as he left the hotel room and informed Cragen, who had been waiting outside, the terrible news. The older man placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, asking if there was anything that Olivia needed, there was nothing, just her baby. Elliot could see the hurt in Cragen's eyes, he was thinking exactly what everyone else would, why her? Upon asking about Charlie, Cragen told him that Munch and Fin were still looking for him, and that as soon as he was found he would be brought to see the woman who had been expecting his baby.
Elliot had stalled outside the door to Olivia's room, his heavy heart almost too much to handle, he couldn't watch her suffer, it was killing him, he could barely hold it together, a mixture of anger and complete loss confusing him as he struggled to think of anything he could do for his best friend.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
By now only one thing remained in the baby's room, the rocking chair. It was the only thing she found comfort in, sitting in the chair rocking slowly forwards and backwards as she cradled the one stuffed animal that had been left behind when Charlie took all the bags. She didn't even know where he had taken them...it didn't matter. She looked down at the small fluffy animal that Elliot had bought for her daughter, and wondered if this would have been the toy that she would have clung to for the first few years of her life, every child seemed to have one toy that they values more than life itself?
She liked the idea of a present from Elliot being so close to her daughters heart, as close as Elliot was to hers...She closed her eyes briefly as the realisation that her daughter would never have a favourite toy hit her. These were the moments she hated the most, when she dared to dream about what life could have been like, should have been like only to hit the ground with a bump when she remembered that the perfect life has slipped away.
She didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to talk about it she just wanted it to go away. She wanted to close her eyes and forget, to feel something other than grief that constantly consumed her. Charlie hadn't left her side since she'd come home, constantly asking if she needed anything and she didn't have the energy to tell him that there was only one thing she needed, one thing that he could not give her, her baby. ..
"Come on Olivia you're doing great!" Kate's voice echoed through the room as Olivia cried out and collapsed back onto the bed, utterly exhausted.
She gripped Elliot's hand as another wave of sadness spread through her, the pain she was feeling both physically and emotionally was too much to bare. Her labour had been induced 6 hours ago, exactly one hour after Kate had first informed her that it was going to happen. She had openly sobbed, unable to even grasp the idea of giving birth to a baby who would never take its first breath. Kate had promised that she would try to make it as quick as possible and explained that there was no other way. As she lay sweating, labour pains shooting through her stomach the reality of the situation was so hard to grasp, she'd almost forgotten a few times that this wasn't going to be a happy ending. It wasn't until she looked at Elliot, pain etched into his face, that she remembered exactly what she was doing and exactly how much it was going to hurt when the labour was over.
"You're okay," Elliot whispered, pressing his lips against Olivia's hand, his heart sinking as she shook her head. She wasn't okay, how could she be. "You can do this," he whispered, gently wiping the hair from her forhead.
"Okay Olivia, you can do this just a few more pushes..." Kate spoke.
"No..." a single tear slid down her cheek as she shook her head. "Please..." she felt like her heart was about to explode.
"Liv," Elliot swallowed the lump in her throat, he couldn't break down, he forced a small smile. "You can do this, you know you can do this."
"I can't..." she shook her head. "I can't do this, I...El...my baby."
His heart broke.
"I know," he barely whispered. "I know... I'm sorry..." he couldn't fight the tears that filled his eyes. He would've given anything in that moment just to take away the pain that he knew would eventually completely consume her.
She gripped his hand as another contraction approached. She just wanted it to stop, she wanted her baby to stay where it was, just for a little while longer, she wasn't ready to say good bye, she hadn't even gotten to say hello. She openly sobbed as she closed her eyes and pushed, crying out as she gripped Elliot's hand .He whispered words of encouragement, he simply didn't know what else to do.
"Okay, okay we're nearly there, come one one big push."
"I can't!" she cried out, she didn't want to. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
"Come on," Elliot gently kissed her forehead. "Come on Liv, you can do this...I know you can." He hated having to be the one to encourage her, he'd wanted this, he'd secretly wanted to be with her as she gave birth to her babe, urging her one holding her as she heard her child's first cry...
"God!" she screamed as she pushed as hard as she could.
And then...it was over.
"Olivia, you did it, you did it." Kate spoke softly.
The moment Olivia had had dreamt of for so long was here, but there was no relief, no congratulations and no beautiful newborn cry. She rested her head back on the pillow as sadness consumed her, only crying harder as heard.
"It's a girl," the sadness in the Doctors voice was unmistakable.
Elliot fought back the tears as he watched Olivia break down, knowing that this moment had been inevitable. He ran his thumb along her hand, unable to move, momentarily frozen as the reality of what had just happened hit him.
"Morning." Charlie placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "What time did you wake up?" he asked.
"A few minutes ago," Olivia lied. She didn't need to worry him.
He travelled to the fridge, opening the door and pulling out the milk. She hated it when he drank from the carton, but she didn't have the energy to tell him, she'd tell him another day. She'd been sat in the rocking chair for nearly three hours, unsure of exactly what she'd been thinking about and unsure of how she had lost track of time. "Do uh, do you want to me to clean out the last bits in the room today?" he asked, unsure of how to broach the subject. She wouldn't talk to him about anything to do with their daughter, he knew he had to give her time, he just wanted the pain to go away, both of their pain.
"No, leave it," she didn't even look at him. She stared down at the bowl of cereal in front of her, nothing had ever looked less appealing. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten...she genuinely couldn't.
"I uh, I spoke to Cragen-"
"What?" finally, she looked at him. "Why?"
"I just let him know how you were, and that I wasn't sure when you'd be back-"
"I'm hoping next week-"
"Liv, you can't-" he started, was she serious. He stared at her as she gave him a confused look. "You...you had a baby not even three weeks ago- you can't go back to work-"
"I feel fine, just some desk duty or something."
He couldn't believe his ears, she was still not fully recovered from the assault and birth and she wanted to go back to work? "I think you should leave it a little longer, you haven't even had time to grieve-"
"Charlie, it's fine-"
"It's not fine! We lost our daughter," he watched as she flinched, she did it anytime he mentioned their baby. "We lost her, and you're acting as if nothing's wrong."
"I'm not." She shook her head, unable to say anything else. She was dealing with it, she was dealing with it in her own way.
"I'm...i'm sorry," he didn't mean to snap, but she was like a damn robot, acting as if she'd lost her favourite shirt rather than something much more precious. "I...I need you to talk to me, about Grace."
The name caused her heart to physically ache. Grace. They had decided upon it the hospital...
Elliot stood between Olivia and the see through incubator that had been placed in the room just a few minutes after Olivia had stopped sobbing. She had yet to turn and face her daughter, lying with her back to both her and Elliot. He'd asked a few times if she wanted to see the tiny baby, she hadn't answered, she hadn't moved at all. When Kate had wrapped the tiny infant in a blanket and asked Olivia if she wanted to hold her daughter she had simply turned away. Kate gave Elliot a worried glance and he silently assured her that he would stay.
He was exhausted, he could barely stand, not sure if it was the exhaustion or the constant ache in his heart that was causing him such discomfort. He swallowed yet another lump in his throat as he turned to the incubator, gazing at the infant who was wrapped in a pink blanket, she had Olivia's nose...that was the one thing that he noted about the tiny baby, she was beautiful.
"Liv," he cleared his throat. No reply. He knew that he had to help her, help her to mourn and as much as it hurt him he knew she would never forgive herself if she didn't hold her baby. "Can I hold her?" he asked softly, his voice braking slightly as he struggled to control his emotions. He turned back to the baby, she was so tiny.
He saw her move slightly and knew she was listening. "I just...I just wanna hold her," he whispered. "Is that okay?" he watched as she turned slowly towards him, her eyes red and tear filled. She looked from him to the incubator, a single tear slipping down her cheek . She couldn't see the baby's face, only the blanket and that sight alone was almost enough to break her heart. She turned to Elliot as he nodded slightly, she mimicked his movements and watched as he took a deep breath slowly edging towards the incubator.
He gently picked up the tiny little girl, he could barely breathe, the pain in his chest threatening to burst out at anytime. She was so light...He slowly walked towards Olivia's bed, watching as her eyes widened, she was terrified. Her bottom lip quivered as he sat next to her and for the first time she saw her daughters face, she was absolutely beautiful, with dark skin and small button nose.
"She...she's so beautiful," Elliot spoke as tears filled his eyes. Olivia looked from her baby to her partner as the pain almost consumed her. She nodded as Elliot silently brought the baby closer to her and took her daughter from him, holding her close to his chest.
She swallowed a sob as she gazed at her beautiful daughter, grateful as she felt Elliot wrapping a supportive arm around her shoulder. "She's..." she took a deep breath. "She's perfect," she sobbed, tears spilling form her eyes. Her little girl was perfect. She pressed her lips against her daughters head, unable to hide her devastation any longer.
Elliot held his partner, pulling her closer as she openly sobbed in front of him, cradling her daughter in her arms as he cradled her in his. She rested her head against his shoulder as he silently rocked her back and forward, wishing he could take her pain away as his own pain enveloped him...
Elliot left Olivia's room slowly, closing the door gently. Kate was examining her, just making sure that everything was okay. They had sat with the baby for nearly two hours, holding her, crying together and speaking about who she looked like and all the things she could've done...it had been an unofficial goodbye to the tiny little girl.
His heart stopped as he turned as Saw Charlie, completely out of breath having run the whole length of the corridor. He had a large teddy in one hand and flowers in the other.
"Stabler! I'm here, did I miss it?" he asked, taking deep breaths. "Stabler?"
"Uh, Charlie-" how was he supposed to tell him?
"Is it a boy or a girl?" he asked, a smile from ear to ear. What the hell was Stabler's problem he looked like a deer in headlights.
"A girl..." he whispered, barely able to talk as the man in front of him looked so unbelievably proud, just like he had been so many times.
"A girl...I have a little girl?" he asked, his smile widening. "Are they okay? How's Liv-"
"Liv's...she's okay-" he closed his eyes briefly.
"What's going on Stabler? You look like you've seen a ghost...what...the baby?" his heart skipped a beat. "Is she...is she okay?" the look one Elliot's face said it all.
"I'm sorry Charlie..." Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat. "She didn't make it-"
"No." The teddy hit the floor first, closely followed by the flowers. "No...no way..." tears filled his eyes as he walked towards Elliot. "No way!" he pushed Elliot angrily.
"Charlie-" Elliot grabbed him, holding him still as the man openly sobbed. Elliot froze as Charlie grasped fistfuls of his shirt, collapsing into him as he mourned the loss of his daughter. Elliot placed both hands on his upper arms as Charlie cried into his chest, unable to hide his grief. "I'm sorry..."
This chapter was so emotional to write, I would love to hear what you think. Please take the time to R&R xx
