Hello I just want to say thank you arkham zombie for the review. I'm so happy you loved this story. hopefully u like this chapter as well

Chapter 7 Dean

I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid stupid idiot. I claim I am going to change my ways and what do I do. I go out and pick up the first guy I see with a nice ass while my girlfriend is visiting her parents in Oklahoma. I could make excuses about why I did it but the reality is the love of my life slept fifteen minutes away from me and there is nothing I can do to get him back. I know he hates me and I hate myself for it.

HE's been back for like two weeks now and I have stopped myself every night from going over and declaring my love for him and telling him the truth but I know I can't. It's not best for us plus he probably wouldn't even listen to reason. For all I know he probably has moved on and hasn't given me a second thought. It's what I would have done.

IT's just so hard trying to get over someone when they are related to your friend and that friend is practically married to your cousin. I use to hang out with them like every other day but I have avoided them lately. Since I know Cas is staying with them I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to see him. It's been kind of easy so far. I spend most of my time with Anna who I still haven't slept with. I plan to do it one day but right now my hearts not in it. I'm just glad she doesn't ask to many questions. It only gets hard when she is at work or hanging with her friends. Whenever she is with friends I try to pick up extra shifts in my uncles Garage. I'm just glad Jo doesn't work here anymore. I thank who the ever the hell is up there that she took up bartending.

Uggggg I just want to beat the shit out of myself. How the hell did my life end up like this? I'm only nineteen and everything is out of whack. Why couldn't I be like every other guy I wne to high school with. They never had these kind of problems. My life should be like this. My life should be like Boy Meets World. I should be engaged to a great girl like Topanga which would be Bella. Cas should just be my best friend like Shawn was to Cory but no I had to get it messed up. I had to get the great the girl I dated since I was a kid but instead of falling in love with her I fell in love with my best friend who just happens to love me back. In what world does that make sense? To top it all off I was forced to break his heart for the great good or whatever you want to call. Everything about my life is wrong.

I should like women, I need to like women. My life would be so easy if I did. I know I was ready to tell the world who I was but ever since Gabriel stepped in and made me change things, I am starting to rethink a lot of things.

For one maybe I made the right decision of letting Cas go. Maybe it is wrong to love another man. Maybe everything I was starting to think was wrong. How can I walk though life with Cas being my lover, my best friend, my everything and expect it to go so good. Nothing good comes from these types of relationships.

Why is when I am thinking this all of this, the only thing that is racing through my mind I only have two thoughts. One whys can't I stop loving and missing him to no end and two why is it the other night felt so right. I can't remember this guy's name but I can remember the way it felt to be with him. When I was screwing him nothing seemed wrong, but after it was over everything felt wrong. I was overcome with all this guilt. I can only imagine it is because of I am not living my life the right way. You might think I am crazy but I also feel like Cas saw me. I know he couldn't have but for some reason I feel so ashamed of what I did because it would hurt him. I actually feel like I cheated on him. What is wrong with me?

"OH HELL NO!"

"What?" I say after Gabriel's voice breaks though my thoughts.

"You heard me?" He says as he stands up to face me.

"Really you can't say hello." I say as I look around his back yard.

I know he had a in ground pool but I never imagined to walk into his back yard to find to find him cleaning it himself shirtless. Why does he have to be shirtless right now? I never really took a look at him before. I always tried not to out of respect to our friendship and Jo, but right now I can't help but to notice him. He actually looks hot in the sun. I never knew he had muscles. I knew he was strong but I never imagined he had the muscle to go along with it. Not to mention he has the most beautiful bronzed skin right now to match his hair and eyes. Dare is say he actually looks hot.

"I know what you are thinking?" he says with the cutest little frown. Did I just think that? Oh no I have to stop. He is my friend and Cas's brother. Damn me I am going straight to hell.

"I doubt it" I say very cool. There is no way he knows I'm wondering how hard his abs are.

"When are you going to learn I am a lot smarter than you? I know exactly what you are thinking. I can see in your eyes."

"You can?" I say as I feel myself starting to sweat. Thank god it's summer. I can blame my sweating on the heat.

"Jesus" he says as he drops he smacks his forehead with the palm of his head. "How can you be this transparent. I have known you for long time too. I like to this we are friends… well sometimes and lately I think of you as one."

"Get to your point." I say starting to feel annoyed. How the hell is we friends? I have tried to figure it out for a long as time and I really can't find a reason. I guess I have to chalk it to to one of those things that can't be explain.

"Ohh someone is testy today." He teases.

"Gabriel" I snap as I forget how I was attracted to him for five minutes. You know I am actually glad he opened his mouth. It was all I need to smack me back to reality.

"Fine" he says fixing his face. "Now what was I saying. I am almost afraid to remind him. I really don't want to explain to him why I was checking him out. "Oh yeah" he says snapping his fingers.

"So what was I thinking." As I make myself comfortable on one of the lounge chairs alongside the pool.

"Do I really have to say it or can I just tell you not gone happen." He says as he drops the net he was using to clean the pool right before he sat next to me on the other chair.

"I think you exaggerating. I would never go that far."I say as I grad a water from the cooler in between the chairs.

"I call bullshit" he says he grabs a water bottle, cup and a bottle of juice.

"Yeah well me too." I say before I take a swing of water. I wish I hadn't soon as I start to chug I start to gag and spit what I now know as vodka out of my mouth.

"OH yeah, It's not water it's cherry flavor vodka." He says as he starts to mix himself a drink. I really can't stand him sometime. He has this smug look on his face while I am still trying to catch my breath.

"You could have warned me." I say after I have managed to breathe right.

"Well you could just tell me the truth instead of playing dumb." He says as he pulls his stupid sunglass off his head and on too his face.

"I swear you are a dick sometimes." I say as I lay back. I still have half a bottle left. Now that I know what it is I will drink it right.

"Diddo but name calling won't get us anywhere but then again that's where I want you get." He says as he takes a sip of his drink.

"Jesus Christ we are friend remember. Why would you even think that?" I say getting disgusted at the thought of being with him that way.

"True but I am also his big brother." He says looking at me over his glasses. Okay now I am confused.

"Now you have lost me. What are we talking about?" I ask looking at him.

"Unbelievable" he says looking at me. At least I think he is. His head is turned in my direction but I can't see his eyes. All I see is my reflection in his black shades.

"What is?" I ask still lost.

"You're lucky you're pretty because I don't see you making it though life with anything else."

"Stop calling me pretty. I'm a man. Women are pretty not men." I say starting to feel my blood boil.

"Yes you are a man. You are a man who is here to see Cassie." Okay now I see. He thinks I am here to see Cas. I admit I would love to just get a glimpse of him but I am not actually here to see him. I am actually here to see this dick. I need someone to talk too and I really don't feel like talking to Jo. I love her but she hard to talk to sometimes. She has this habit of yelling and hitting me when it comes to this subject.

"You think I am here to see him." I ask want to laugh. I can't believe I thought he knew I was checking him out.

"Well it's been two weeks since I last saw you so I can only conclude that is why you are here?' he says like he is offended.

"You're wrong?" I say as Cas starts to invade my thoughts. I wonder if he is here and what he is doing."

"He not here?" He says reading my mind. It's kind of scary though.

"Oh" is all I can say as I feel disappointment creep in.

"Yeah, he's out with Jo. I think they are shopping or something." He says a little sad.

"Why didn't you go?" I ask sensing things have only gotten worse between them. Last I check they were fighting a lot and I suspect things have only gotten worse.

"She didn't ask but let's change the subject" he says a little sad. I almost feel sad for him. He spent years wanting her and now that he has her things are working out. I would feel sad if I didn't know he was keeping things from her. I don't know what it is but I know it's something. He calls me stupid but he can be stupid at times too. My cousin would be a lot happier if he just told her the truth. I know her and no matter what she would stand beside him. She loves him that much. He should trust her more.

"Fine, what do you want to talk about?" I ask right before I take a sip oh the unnecessarily sweet vodka in my water bottle.

"Let's talk about you." He says getting hyper again. "What's going on with you?" he ask looking at me again. At least I think he is.

"What about me?" I say as the subject I want to talk about comes front in center in my mind.

"Well how's life. How's Anna. Have you turned her out yet?"

"Dude, that's my girlfriend?"

"SO that's a no." he says like he knows that I been with other people beside her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask offended.

"What it sounds like. You won't do your girlfriend but you probably have been doing twinks." He says like he knows for sure. How the hell does he know?

"Yeah" I say in shame. Normally I would argue him down but I really don't feel like it. I use to much energy fighting this part of me that keep trying to take over and there aren't that many people I can talk about it with. In fact there are only two. I kind of had one conversation about it with Cas but after he told me he was sure he was who he was I figured I shouldn't bother him with him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Gabriel asks like he is pissed.

"I keep asking myself the same thing." I say before I think a sip and look into the sky.

"Seriously you are going to sit up here and play the martyr role like you don't know."

"I don't know." I say frustrated.

"Well let me tell you. YOU….ARE…GAY." he says like I am slow.

"I am not." I say offended. I'm not gay. I find women beautiful I just can't be sexual attracted to them. If I was really gay would I find them hideous.

"OH really" he says before he jumps out his chair to straddle my lap and kiss me so passionately.

"What the fuck?" I say as I push him off of me. I can't believe he really just did that.

"How did that feel?" he says as he picks himself off the ground to sit next to me.

"What do you mean how did that feel.?"

"When I kissed you what did you feel?" He ask like he already knew the answer.

"Gross." I say as I stick my tongue in my mouth, but it really didn't. IF he wasn't Gabriel I might have kissed him more and let go further. Although it didn't feel the same as whenever I kissed Cas but I did feel some kind of tingle in my pants. I am starting to think coming here was a big mistake.

"Right and that's why before you pushed me off seconds after I felt something jump in your shorts." He says as he lays back and grab his drink.

"How long you been wanting to do that?"

"About as long you have wanted to have sex with women."

"Fuck you" I say getting up.

"You might not have felt anything emotional but I know you like that kissed regardless.

"You're crazy" I say as I turn to look at him.

"And you're in denial and I have to say it's getting a little tiring."

"I am not" I say defensive.

"Then why is it the only person you have ever loved is a guy and why is it after you broke up with him you still carry a torch for him and why is it that you keep fucking guys but not your girlfriend." He says ever so calmly. Damn it I hate him when he is right. Am I really gay? What the fuck am I saying I am not gay? I am just a guy who got a little too close to a friend. Yes I wanted to spend my life with him but I believe that of I never would have fallen for him I would never be like this. All I have to do is stay strong. And one day I can beat it. One day I can be the man that Anna needs, I just need to get it out of my system. I know I have said that before but this time I really am. This time I will not fall off the wagon.

"You're wrong you know."

"About what; you still loving Cassie or about you being gay. Either way I think I am right."

"Were you right about breaking up with him?"

"You can't be serious right now. You forced me to break up with him."

"Who told you to listen to me?" he says with a look on his face I can't understand. Damn I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"I broke up with him because I loved him. Yes if you never would have put the idea in my head it might have taken me longer but eventually I would of done it but thanks to you I saved him from getting hurt."

"Yeah right, like you never hurt him before." HE says with his hands behind his head. How is he so calm when I ready to snap?

"Yes I hurt him before but I would have destroyed him if I stayed with him. AT least I did it at a time when he had something else to focus on. I owe that to you."

"What do you mean destroy him? You say that like you knew on some level you knew it wasn't forever." He says sitting up to look me in the eye. I think shit got serious. HE actually took his glasses off.

"We are friends right?" I ask before I go on.

"Oh course" he says looking at me with concern.

"So what I am about to tell you is between us as friends and not as Cas's ex and his older brother."

"Yes" not breaking contact. I always hated how the Novak's could always look at you with out blinking. It's just weird.

"Fine" I say before taking a deep breathe. "Look, I loved your brother and wanted to be with him but in the back of my mind I always knew that one day I would get over my sickness and break his heart. I'm just glad you bought Cornell to my attention because I realize that I would hurt him and he would before full of regret."

"I don't believe this." He says in such a soft tone. I don't know this tone and now I don't know what is going t happen next.

"Believe it." I say looking the ground. I feel so shame and guilt.

"I refuse to. Deano you're not sick. " he says with such reassuring.

"Yes I am." I say getting angry as I stand up. How dare he try and tell me this. Who the hell is does he think I am. He doesn't know what is going with me.

"No you're not." He says standing up keeping that calm tone.

"Fuck you. I came here to talk and all you're are going to do is go against what I have to say. Why could you just see I needed a friend. I just needed one to listen. I don't need your wrong opinions. I say yelling in his face.

"Wrong is that what you think. Dean there is nothing wrong with you. You were just born different. There is nothing wrong with that. He says as he places his hands on my shoulders.

"I was not born this way. This just happen to me." I say upset. I feel like I can cry and punch someone.

"No I'm not. You are just scared, but you don't have to be. I am your friend I will stand beside you and help you get through this. I will because one day you will feel like everything you are doing is write. One day everything will be better and you will find peace."

"You are right about one thing. I will find peace." I say right before I knck his hand s off of me before I start to storm away.

"Deano, wait." He yells as I start to take a feet.

"No, Gabriel I won't. I have let this consume me for too long it's time I deal with this. " I say with my back towards him. I can feel him standing behind me but I refuse to look at him. If I do we might fight but I don't want to hit him.

"How are you going to fix this? What are you going to do?" Okay that was concern. I know he is concerned but he has no reason to be.

"The only way I know how?" I say.

"Can you just tell me how? Regardless of anything I am here for you. Maybe I can help you." He says pleading. Wow I didn't think Gabriel knew how to beg anyone that wasn't Jo.

"Thanks buddy" I say as I look over my shoulder. Inside I want to hurt someone but on the outside I am remaining calm.

"Good, now tell me how I can help.
"You can't help." I say over my shoulder. "I am going to fix this and I only know one way to do this and I don't need you to do this."

"Yeah and how is that?" he asks like he whenever he thinks I am doing something stupid. Him acting like this is why I am furious.

"The only way I know how. I am going to go to Anna's house and fuck her. If I can do that then I know I can eventually kick this."

I didn't wait for Gabriel to respond. I know he was saying something when I left but I paid him no mind. Coming here was a mistake and I know that now. Just like I now know I can't talk to him ever again about this. I see I am now alone in this world but it's okay because I know two things. One I will get over this one day and two even if I do get over this, I will always love Cas.

Confused, well welcome to my life


don't forget to tell me what you think.

Have any questions? let me know i will happily answer them.

hope you like next chapter will be told from jo's pov but you are going want to read it. it catches up with her amd cas