Thank you everyone for the reviews ;)... Just like I promised I'm back with more. Seems like I'm on the roll. The only advantage of being insomniac is that you can turn 24h to account. Anyway...
Enjoy,
So ;)
Chapter 7: Sara
She's asleep in my arms. I, on the other hand, wish I could join her but I can't. I keep on thinking about our fight, about what she has said. Her words are just torturing me. I think I won't survive to another fight like this, that's a guarantee. My mind is a battlefield, her words have resound so hard that all my defences have crumble down. That comment about Eddie's case has hit right in my heart, unleashing all my demons, my fears. I honestly don't know if I can lick my wounds completely right now. The fact is that I still feel the stings of her words through my entire being.
I can't relax in this embrace. I don't feel safe here, I feel trapped.
I think she's in deep sleep because her grip is loosed now. I leave the bed careful not to wake her up, I exit the bedroom closing the door behind me.
I get to back the kitchen to clean the mess. I find Nancy standing there, staring at the upside down room. She came back when Catherine and I where on the floor. She has just given a quick glance at the scene, then she has looked at me. We have communicated with our eyes and then she's left us.
"So what are the losses?" I ask gravely.
She turns around, looks at me a moment and sighs.
"Nine dead: two mugs, three plates and four glasses. The chairs and the table are into shock right now but I think they'll get through it." She answers flatly. We smirk dryly.
This is odd. I've met her barely two days ago and yet we got along like together like old friends. When I think I've met Catherine five years ago and that we never had that kind of easy connection, I'm confused.
Nancy looks like Catherine, only she's a bit younger and got green eyes. But there is grace in every move she makes, just like Catherine. And she's beautiful too.
I chuckles softly "Well, let's clean this up."
I move next to her and we start to pick up broken glass.
"I admire you." Her voice says. I turn to look at her, she stares back at me like everything was normal.
"I beg your pardon?" Jeez, I'm so tired that I have hearing hallucinations.
"I said: I admire you." She repeats herself with as much serious as the first time. To say I'm stunned would be an understatement. I look at her like she was some loony. "Stop looking at me like that! I'm not mad" She chuckles. "You aren't used to compliment are you?" I still don't answer so she sighs and continues "Look, I know how my sister is, how…she can be to have an emotional release."
I don't know what to say. She puts her intent gaze down my hand before returning to my eyes. "She told me about your previous fights" She pauses. "She told me about the last one." She says and rests her eyes on my hand again.
I caress my bruised knuckles with my thumb. There is dried blood on it.
"It wasn't because of the fight." I tell her.
"Really?" She asks rhetorically. "Anyway, I know that she can't deal with powerful emotions. I can barely handle her when she's like this and I'm her sister. I just had to take a look at the kitchen to know that it must have been as ugly fight."
She's shrewd, I have to give her that. It's weird, there is a silent bond between us. She doesn't say much but she lets me see she knows a lot and understands a lot. We speak a lot with our eyes it's really amazing to have this kind of connexion.
"Yet you were here holding her. And now you're still there." Her voice cuts my musing. "You could have given up and bolt out of here but you didn't. So yes, I admire you. Honestly you have to be exceptional for her to lost it this much and to be strong enough to handle her when she's like this." She smiles at me.
"Well I don't know if I really am, but thank you" I say shyly.
"No need to thank me I'm just stating the truth" She says honestly. I blush a bit at this and smile back at her.
Silence fells between us for a few minutes.
"How are you?" She asks me.
"Theoretically I'm still alive… in practice that's a different story. You?"
She thinks for a moment "Same here except that I think I'm losing my mind."
The kitchen is in order again. It's like nothing ever happened minus a few dishes. There is silence between us again. Air's becoming thick and hard to breathe.
"Well we are lucky she has spared the coffee pot." She says.
"Some tenderness in this cruel world." I join her light mood. It's good to stop thinking of the nightmare we're going through right now. Other wise I think I'd go insane. She's staring at me again, scrutinizing my face closely.
"I was serious earlier, you should try to sleep. You look awful." She says concerned.
"I know, you're right." I start to turn to leave.
"Where are you going?"
"Uh…Home to sleep a bit?" I try.
"I don't think so." I look at her with a puzzled look. She sighs loudly. "There is no way I'm letting you drive like this. You're way too tired for this. We can't afford to lose someone else." She's upset now. "There is plenty of room here and if I have to chain you to keep you safe I will." She's not kidding I can tell. Besides she's right I'm too tired to drive.
"No need. I'll just crash in the couch."
"Good" She looks relieved.
xxxxx
We decide to have a glass of milk before going to bed. We're on the couch sitting side by side.
"How is your son" I need to break the silence.
"Jeremy stays at a friend right now. He's worried but I think he's ok." We stay silent for a while.
"Do you think we're going to find her safe and sound?" She sounds like a frightened child.
"No" I answer firmly. She turns to me bluntly with tears in her eyes and quivering lips. "I know so" I tell her. "And I need to hold on that feeling otherwise there is no point to keep on breathing." She nods and hugs me. I hug her back.
She cries a bit on my shoulder so I tight my embrace to let her know it's ok. Then she pulls back to looking at me. She wants to tell me something but I think she's afraid of my answer.
"I don't mean to cross any line but is it ok…" She trails off and shakes her head "Nevermind, I'm being silly." She laughs nervously.
"No tell me" I wonder what makes her so embarrassed and I want her to know that she can trust me. "I told you, I'm here."
She stares at me to see if I'm trustful and then she smiles tenderly. "Now I understand Lindsey. You truly are someone good."
"Well you're not bad either" I countered. She sighs again and tries again.
"Like I said, I don't mean to cross any line but…Can I stay with you tonight? On the couch I mean…I mean…crap…I understand if you don't… It's just that…Nevermind I told you it was silly." She ends up her struggling with words frustrated.
"Of course you can." I simply answer. She looks at me speechless.
I was a bit surprised by her request for a split second but I understand why she asked. I don't know why but in times like these, when everything's going down, the need for human contact increases. Right now the situation is chaotic and I crave for human touch more than ever. Because the heat of another body, the sound of another heartbeat reminds me that I'm alive, that I still feel. I guess Nancy feels just the same. There is nothing more behind her request than the need to keep us grounded, to assure us that there is still hope and that everything's going to be fine.
"Seriously? I mean, you sure?"
"Yes I am" I kick off my shoes and open my arms "Come here" I tell her with a reassuring smile.
We adjust our position on the couch. She's lying into my embrace, there's not so much room so basically she's almost entirely on top of me. Usually I would feel claustrophobic because of the degree of intimacy of this, knowing that we barely know each other. But right now I feel relaxed and for a moment I can pretend that everything's all right. It feels so good.
"Thanks" She whispers on my shoulder.
"It's ok. To be honest, I'm glad you asked because I needed this too." I confess.
"Well, still, thank you." She squeezes me a little.
"You're more than welcome." I kiss her head and drift into sleep in a matter of seconds.
xxxxx
I wake up to the annoying sound of my pager. My head is pounding violently. For a moment I don't know where I am, with who and why. Then reality sinks in. Nancy's still asleep in my arms, holding me tightly. We didn't move while sleeping. Then my mobile breaks the silence rather loudly. I hate technology!
I'm afraid she's going to wake up but she doesn't move a muscle. I want to leave the couch so she can keep on sleeping, but just like her sister, she tights her hold when I try to go. So I answer my mobile on the couch. If I don't lie to myself I like being here, it's comfortable.
"Sidle" I whisper.
"Sara it's Grissom."
"Hey"
"I…just call to know how you were."
"I'm fine I guess"
"You sure?"
"Well, let me see, one of the my most precious friends is missing so no I'm not fine but I'm alive so I guess that I am fine after all" I'm not sure to make any sense myself.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to be pushy" he sounds guilty and hurt.
"No I'm the one who's sorry, I shouldn't have snapped."
"It's okay" He pauses "How's Catherine?"
"Not good" I know he understands all the meaning behind those simple words.
"Well send her my love and support"
"I will"
"Look, I wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry about work, you have a lot of days off to spare. And must of all I'm here if you need anything at anytime."
" Thank you very much" I compare Grissom to the Tin man on the wizard of Oz, after all this times he found his heart.
"It's ok. Take care of yourself Sara." He says genuinely.
"Yeah, you too. I'll call you if I need anything." I think he's smiling.
"Sure thing, no problem. I'm sorry but I got to go, keep me posted."
"I will" And I hang up.
Grissom and I have a brand new relationship. More intense than the old one, more relaxed, more everything. No more strained situations, harsh words or war of feelings. Sometimes we even get flirty around each other for fun. It's an intellectual shared love. I'm happy with this, I think we both are.
xxxxx
I turn my attention back to Nancy who still hasn't move from an inch. I try to get back to sleep again but I know it's useless. Well if Nancy decides to release me anytime soon I might get a coffee.
"What time is it?" Her voice is sleepy. She has startled me, I though she was asleep deeply. My heart is racing a bit, she notices it and chuckles softly. "I didn't meant to scare you, sorry."
"It's okay." 'You just nearly gave me a little heart attack' I mentally add. "It's 3 a.m." Well, we actually manage to sleep four hours straight.
"You have to go to work?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Well every time that Catherine has received a call in the middle of the night she had to go to work." She explains me.
"Yeah" I smile "Well this time Grissom called me to tell me that it's was ok for me not to come."
"You're all right with that?" Well I see my reputation has preceded me.
"Sure. I mean it wasn't an option for me. I couldn't focus on anything when Cake is nowhere to be found." If she notices the use of the nickname, she doesn't point it out and I'm grateful.
"Did you sleep good?" I ask after a moment.
"Yeah I did, thanks to you."
"Really?" I sound cocky but I don't care.
"Well yeah, don't let it swell your head though." I laugh at this.
"I did sleep well too if it can make you feel better." I realise that none of us have move yet. But this embrace feels so good, I'm not really hurry to leave it.
"You know, I'll give you a twelve." She says casually. This woman is good at confusing me.
"What? What are you talking about?" I ask her.
"Human pillow. On a ladder from zero to ten, I'll give you a twelve." She answers with a serious tone.
I don't know if I'm honoured or just confused. But I play along with her. "How come?"
"Well, you are soft, you don't snore – or just a bit, you don't drool, you are comfortable and you don't fidget while sleeping." She says with honesty.
"And that got me a twelve?" I ask intrigued.
"No, actually that got you a ten. But you earn two bonus points." She giggles.
"I did?" I'm really curious now.
"Absolutely. There is this thing about you, that you provide, I don't know…Safety, tenderness and trust...and so much more positive energy…it's like all those things were radiating from you…and it gives me so much strength that I feel like I could take the world. It's just like your hugs. You give the best – what do I say, the most terrific hugs." She pauses. "I envy your lover, yeah your lover is lucky."
Wow, I'm touched to say the least. Nobody ever told me that stuff like that before. It's really comforting knowing that even I, can give human warmth.
"I don't have any at the moment." I state.
"Shame. All those hugs that won't be given, what a waste." I laugh softly. She sighs and continues "Too bad I prefer men, I guess. Otherwise I would have applied for the post."
"Well you're right that's too bad." We giggle together.
It's funny because if you don't take a closer look you might think that we actually are lovers. Our embrace is intimate and there is this connection between us, this closeness that you can only have with a lover. Words aren't needed to be understood by the other one.
"I meant it you know. You provide the feeling of security and that's something, because everyone is seeking for this feeling." She says this snuggling tighter against me. We stay in silence for a while.
"Well I'm honoured to be such a good human pillow and a great hugger." I say as seriously as I can. She giggles wait a moment and takes a deep breath.
"You know, I could really use a hug right now, a special one before facing this day." She says seriously. I don't say anything, I just hug her tightly. We stay like this for several minutes to carve this moment in ourselves as a reminder that we are still alive.
"Well I'm glad to have share the couch with you, it was a pleasure" She breaks the silence.
"The pleasure was all mine." I pause "I could use a coffee right now."
"Good idea" We disentangle ourselves and head to the kitchen.
xxxxx
We are in the kitchen waiting for the coffee pot to get ready. I'm against the countertop and she's on a chair.
"I think I'm addicted." She suddenly says. I've stopped trying to follow her train of thoughts a while ago. I just stare at her waiting for her to elaborate.
"Your hugs, I'm addicted to your hugs. I think I have a problem." She muses. I blush and think a moment.
"There's a solution to every problem. We can find a compromise." She looks at me with curiosity. I continue "My hugs are free, all you have to do is ask when you feel you need one." I shrug.
"And what do you get in return?" She asks suspiciously.
"A human touch." I simply say. "And your smile" I add. She blushes, at last!
"So you're saying that I just have to tell you that I could use a hug for you to come and hug me? Whenever I need or want it?"
"Pretty much yeah"
"Why?"
"I just told you" I answer. She scrutinizes me.
"Why?" She repeats. She has that 'Catherine's look' that says 'I know there is more'. I sigh.
"Let's say that I've spent a big part of my life without a single warm human touch. It's my way to fix it I guess." I pause "I wasn't born in a cradle of love." I smile nervously. She just stares at me silently, I know she's trying to understand all the meaning of my words. Then she gets up and faces me. She extends her pinkie to me.
"That's a deal then." She says. I look at her and then grab her pinkie with mine.
"I'd say better, it's a pinkie deal." We giggle together.
The coffee is ready so we pour ourselves two mugs and sit to drink it in a comfortable silence. It amazes me I close I can get with someone I barely know. What surprises me the most is that I trust her. I don't feel the need to hide. And that closeness with her doesn't bother me. For a moment I wonder if it's how would be my relationship with Catherine if we could get along.
xxxxx
It's 4 a.m. passed now. It's time to face the reality.
"I'm going home to change then I'll go see Lindsey's friends again and then I'll hang around the town." I say as I clean up my mug.
"Ok" She answers. I know she's a bit reluctant to stay here all day. It's not that she doesn't want to support her sister, it's just the atmosphere that is unbearable.
I return in the living room and put my shoes back on, then I get back to the kitchen. "I'll go check up on Catherine and then I'll head home." I tell Nancy.
I open the door of the bedroom and Catherine seems still asleep. I walk on the room and face her. I lean down to caress her face. Then I kiss her forehead. What possessed me to do that, I don't know. Well in fact I do, but I don't want to think about it now. I watch her silently for a moment before I leave.
xxxxx
Nancy is on the couch when I return. She stands up and walks me to the door.
"See you in a few." She says.
"Yeah" I open the door and start to leave.
"Sara." She calls me back. I turn to look at her. She stares back at me then she hugs me briefly and whispers "Just so you know, my hugs are free as well." She smiles. I'm touched by her kindness.
"Thanks." I smile back and then I leave her.
I think we just create a solid bond. A bond that will survive the actual situation. A bond that will be the base of a solid friendship. I think I won't cease to wonder at the easiness with which that bond has just been created.
