The engine choked off slowly as he sat motionless in the familiar driveway. Dusk had truly set in and curtains were being drawn and lights were being flickered on all around him. His heart hammered in his chest and a pocket of bile had settled in his windpipe as he stared at the house. The light was on in the living room and a fire was crackling in the grate. The curtains were open as usual as would the door be if he could find it in himself to get out of the car. Gripping the steering wheel tightly Tony took a dizzyingly deep breath. He had to do it. He just has to get out and do it. His legs were jelly like as he clambered slowly from the safety of the car and walked miserably up to the door. It took everything he possessed to reach out and twist the handle he'd twisted hundreds of times before and push the creaking door inwards.
His stomach clenched painfully at the sight that greeted him.
Sat side by side on the sofa he'd sat side by side on, Gibbs and Stan were midway through matching plates of succulent steak. Their heads turned in sync away from the ancient TV set when he awkwardly tumbled into the living room. They both stopped mid chew and stared. Both faces were neutral for a moment before changing. Stan's morphed into a carefully cultivated and casual expression of friendly interest. Gibbs' morphed into a dark, steaming anger and disappointment. Stan offered a chirpily muted "Hey DiNozzo, how's it going?" before courteously getting to his feet and taking his plate and Gibbs' and heading to the kitchen calling behind his shoulder.
"I'm actually beat tired so I'm gonna head up to the rack. See you guys' in the morning."
Tony stood stock still as Gibbs leaned back in the sofa to the backdrop of crockery clinking. A moment later Stan re-emerged and with a carefully jaunty wave, took the stairs two at a time. Gibbs didn't turn to look at Tony when the bedroom door snapped shut and Tony for the first time in his life didn't know what to say. Silence exploded between the two as time crawled cruelly by. When he could take it no more, Tony cleared his throat awkwardly.
"Hey Boss."
Still not turning his head, Gibbs stared at the screen flickering in front of him.
"DiNozzo."
Swallowing heavily, Tony slowly walked forwards and stood awkwardly in front of his once again expressionless boss. Gibbs looked stonily up at him and raised a brow. "The work day is over DiNozzo. Been over for a long time for you as it happens. Anything you want to say can be said at work, in work hours. Right now, I'm trying to digest my dinner and watch the game. Is that ok with you?" Tony felt his heart still sporadically. When Gibbs was mad, he yelled. When he was really mad, he yelled and paced. But when he was really mad and really disappointed, he got stony. And right now, Tony could see he was stonier than the Berlin wall ever was. Closing his eyes briefly, he forced himself to get the words out before he lost his nerve and bolted again.
"I'm sorry I was such an ass. I was a moron and I know that now."
Gibbs stared for the longest moment before he was suddenly on his feet.
Tony felt motion sickness at the speed of the man as he strode to the basement door, wrenched it open and descended the stairs like a bat into hell. Staring at the open door for a long moment, he followed in Gibbs' wake slowly. As he stepped through the door, he closed it behind him and quickly descended the stairs. Gibbs was leaning against one work bench and he quickly mirrored his stance against another. It was a position he'd been in many, many times before with a pissed off gunny but it had been a long time since the man's anger was so tangible. The two stared at each other for a minute, before Gibbs broke the terse silence.
"I can't remember the last time I was this disappointed in you. Or anyone as a matter of fact. You ran out on active duty, you launched an unsanctioned and unwarranted investigation into a fellow agent. To top it all off, you lied through your teeth to me in the car lot when I specifically asked you what was going on and then you turn up here hours later with nothing but hey boss. Have you lost your damned mind? Have you finally taken leave of the few senses you have left?" His voice was rising and the sparks were flying from his eyes as he glared. "What in the hell were you thinking? How dare you pull this crap? I should suspend you and have done with it. Maybe some unpaid time to think about this shitstorm you've created would do you the world of good. Actually that sounds like the perfect idea, don't you think? Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't hand you a two week unpaid benching right this second?"
Tony paled to decomposed corpse levels.
"Boss, please-"
"Boss please? That's what you have to say to me? What the hell is the matter with you Tony? Why did you do this? It makes no damned sense. Stan has never been anything but decent to you and you pull this crap? Not to mention the fact that you are my second in command and we have an active case…and do you know where you were when I needed you today? I'm genuinely asking if you know where you were cos' I sure as hell don't. Do you hear that? I didn't know where my second in command was when we were working an active case. That, even compared to everything you've pulled through the years, is absolutely disgraceful. It's a disgrace to me, to you and to the badge. So if you don't want to be suspended then you better start talking. Cos I have no idea what's going on with you and I think it's about time you filled me in."
His eyes pooled over with rage as he spread his arms wide.
"Now."
Tony gaped at the unusual level of vocals and tried to find some of his own.
"I just…I just had a bad feeling about Stan," he said quietly with shame seeping into his tone. "I don't know why and I don't know why I acted on it. But I did and I'm really sorry Boss, I know you hate apologies but I am really sorry. It's like once it started I couldn't stop it and then I was in too deep and I didn't think you'd…I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth. I was too embarrassed. And I know running out on active duty is inexcusable and I feel sick about it, I swear I do. But I just couldn't look at you after you'd found out what I'd done. I know that's no excuse, cos' there is none…but I just couldn't."
He looked down at the ground and his shoulders slumped in misery.
"I couldn't look at you look at me the way you're looking at me right now."
Gibbs stared at his clearly miserable right hand man and felt a confliction of emotion. He still wanted to strangle him but there was obviously something motivating his bizarre behaviour. Ducky's words suddenly wafted around his brain as he stared at the head hanging Tony. He scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. There was probably a more sensitive way to broach the subject but he wasn't the wishy washy type. "Are you jealous of Stan?" Tony's head snapped up and a dull flush coloured his cheeks as he shook his head jerkily. "What? No…why would I…why would you even think that….I don't know….why…." Gibbs stared and the truth sank into his eyes as he sighed. His voice was quieter when he spoke. "Don't lie to me Tony. I've had enough of that out of you today, don't add to it."
He quirked a brow.
"So try again. Are you jealous of Stan? Tell me the truth. It'll be a refreshing change for you."
Tony swallowed thickly. His cheeks were flaming as he tried to find words. Gibbs knew when he was lying and he was already in enough trouble with adding more ammunition. He shuffled painfully on the spot for a moment before shrugging. "Guess so….a little, not a lot….just a little…." He mumbled shamefacedly. "It's not a big deal or anything, or it wasn't a big deal cos' I'm not anymore…I'm fine with Stan, he's…great." Gibbs stared silently for a moment. He was torn between slapping the head clean of Tony's shoulders and ruffling his hair with reasonable gentleness.
"Why are…were you jealous?"
Tony dropped his head back down to the floor.
"I don't know. He just…I dunno Boss; he's just here you know? Everyone likes him and he used to have my job and he's here looking for a job. Makes sense that my job would be a good fit for him and I just got a little I dunno…paranoid I guess. Not my finest moment ok? I get that and I know it was all in my head. I acted like an idiot and I'm sorry…" He forced himself to look up and found to his relief that Gibbs wasn't laughing or looked in any way amused. "I know Stan's a… decent guy and I was the one being petty. It all just spiralled…and that's my bad and I know it. I know it's not much of a consolation but I won't ever do anything like this again." He couldn't bring up the conversation he'd overhead that had taken place in the very room in which they stood. He just wasn't ready to confront that with the man in front of him.
Gibbs stared for a moment quietly.
"Really DiNozzo, really? How in the hell could you think I'd just hand Stan your job? Is that what you think of me? After everything I've done for you, that's what you think?" He shook his head with the anger returning full force as Ducky was proven right. Tony's problem with Stan was nothing but childish pettiness and jealousy that was born out of being too far in his own head. He refused to admit to himself that he himself was also hurt that Tony could think he would do something like that. It just didn't make sense.
The anger that returned to Gibbs' eyes oddly sparked the dormant anger in Tony's gut.
"Well maybe if you didn't spend your nights drinking bourbon with him and bitching about me I wouldn't have such doubts," he blurted out bitterly, unable to stop himself. "Maybe that would help." Gibbs felt his mouth drop open slightly as he started at his second in command and his sudden shift in tone. "The hell are you talking about DiNozzo?" he demanded tersely, "What is this idiocy you're talking about? I don't know what you're-"
"Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about Boss. I heard you with my own ears, ok? I came by here the other night to return something you left at my place and you and Stan were down here. Stan sounded like he'd had a few and the main topic on the agenda was me. All about how I make a crappy second in command and how he'd happily take my job, because you deserve better. And you know what you said, Boss? Nothing. Nothing and one day at a time Burley. And then you ask me why I'm a little insecure about the permanent and pensionable part of my job? Are you serious?"
He watched as recognition kindled in the blue eyes and felt the hurt swallow him up.
"So, do you want to suspend me now or tomorrow? Might as well be now. You have your replacement sleeping upstairs. It'll be the perfect fit, right?" Gibbs shook his head. He felt a sudden urgency replace the anger in the pit of his stomach. He held out his hands and shook his head further still. He had to make Tony see what he had overhead was not he thought he'd overheard.
"Tony, you've got the wrong-"
"Don't tell me I've got the wrong idea. I'm not a moron, no matter what you and Burley might think." The hurt that Tony had been harbouring deep in his soul was beginning to morph and expand into viscous rage. "You know, I've put my neck and my life on the line for you so many times when I didn't have to. When you were on your personal crusades. And then Stan stands there and tells you what a shitty second in command I am for you and you say nothing? How can you say I have the wrong idea? How can you…."
He trailed off; his conflicting emotions making him feel physically sick.
"You know what? Coming here was a bad idea. I get that I am absolutely in the wrong. I should never have done what I did and I will apologise to Stan when I see him. And you can deal with my running off the job any way you see fit. But I'm outta here, I'm not gonna stand here while you lie to my face and in the same breath ream me out for lying to you. I lied to you cos I was embarrassed about acting like an idiot. You're lying to me because you got caught out in being a hypocrite and you can't handle it."
He took another deep breath and before Gibbs could blink, was suddenly half way up the stairs.
"You know that two week unpaid suspension you were talking about? Maybe that's the best call. Cos I sure as hell ain't letting you do what you usually do when you can't even be straight with me." He wrenched open the door and cast one last angry, hurt and betrayed look down at the frustrated looking Gibbs. "Just do me one favour and make McGee your second in command while I'm gone. He's earned it and I, unlike you, won't stab my second in command in the back."
With one last wounded look of rage, he was gone.
Listening to and watching the whole conversation through the bug he'd placed earlier, Stan stretched out on his bed with his voyeuristic phone and grinned like a Cheshire cat. It was all going so well, so very well. The timescale he'd set himself might even be bested through Tony's adorable little pot of daddy issues. He felt a slight stab of remorse as he looked at the crushed expression that crossed Gibbs' face as he leaned against the workbench and groaned into his hands. He quickly shook it off and spoke softly to the man whose six he'd soon be upon once more, watching him fondly as he stared miserably around his basement.
"Don't worry Boss…I'm here now."
…
A/N: I'm guilty of loving an angsty Tony, my bad! I'll fix them, I promise….eventually!
_Inks
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