Title: "Living After Death"
Episode: 3b - "How You Remind Me"
Author: RockyD
E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net
Category: Fr/X
Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)
Summary: Xander finds out just how much the Scooby Gang 'cared' when he was lost. Picking up the pieces is no easy task, and he makes it harder by revealing his burden to only one person.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss
Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.
Author's Note: Other part of this fic can be found here... http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=518550
Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)
Feedback: YES! It would be appreciated.
Xander still had trouble getting over the Hyperion Hotel, and the fact that Angel lived there. The guy seemed to get all the breaks; a steady job, a fancy pad, and of course, Buffy. He stopped himself from dwelling too bitterly on that and proceeded through the front door.
He was greeted by Wesley cleaning, and Gunn sharpening, weapons. He casually greeted them, "Helpers of the helpless, and shiners of the sharp and pointy things, where could I find the boss?" Wesley leveled a glare at him over his glasses, "Oh, right, sorry."
"He's in his office. Is there anything I can help with... as the actual boss?" Wesley inquired.
Xander hesitated a moment, but shook his head, "Nope, I need to find out from the corpse himself."
Foregoing the courtesy of knocking, he swung the door open to reveal Angel vainly attempting to preen his hair in the mirror. The futile gesture was made that much more amusing as he tried to cover up what he was doing. He wobbled around as he turned on his heel to face Xander, "X-Xander, why didn't you knock?"
"Because I figured you were doing something incredibly vain and self-centered behind closed doors. Looks like I was right."
"Is there something I can help you with?" Angel asked with mild annoyance.
"I have a question for you." The darkness that crept into Xander's eyes, and the lack of emotion in the words, startled Angel.
He recovered quickly, trying to avoid the embarrassment of having been open-mouthed and staring. If Xander had seen him, he was either sparing him or had been too preoccupied to call him on it. He nodded minutely, "Go ahead."
Xander continued staring at a paperweight on the desk, "What did Buffy tell you about the night that we defeated Glory?"
"Well... Willow told me you guys stopped her, and saved Dawn."
"She didn't say anything else? You didn't hear anything from Buffy?"
Angel looked at him strangely, "No, Willow didn't say anything else. I haven't spoken to Buffy since Joyce passed away. Why, what else happened?"
"Did you know I died?" Xander deadpanned.
Angel was surprised again, "You... died? Really?"
Xander sighed, "I'll take that as a no." He took a seat on the corner of Angel's desk and cursed, "Dammit."
Angel stepped closer, "Xander, what are you talking about?"
"At the tower Glory built to use Dawn at... Willow made a path for Spike to get up and save Dawn. I followed him, and knocked this demon guy off the tower. Uh, by the time I got to Dawn, she'd already started bleeding." He had to stop for a moment, the pain from having to retell his final moments getting overwhelming. "The whole deal with the portal was that blood started it, and only blood could stop it. Sound familiar? I couldn't let Dawn kill herself to stop it, and I damn sure wouldn't let Buffy take the plunge. So I did it. I took a swan dive off the tower, and from what I can see, it worked."
Angel was struck speechless, so much so that Xander had to pick up after him, "So none of them mentioned any of that, huh?"
Angel gave him a regretful look as he replied, "No, they didn't."
A hollow laugh almost made Angel shudder, "Well if it isn't 'Make Xander Feel The Size of a Bug' day..." He started getting up to head towards the door.
Angel caught his arm, "Xander, there has to be an explanation..."
Xander shrugged his arm off violently, "I already have an explanation. The good guys didn't want my name attached to the victory. Can't have a Harris saving the world, so conveniently leave him out of it. Pretty clear explanation right there." He sighed and reached for the door, before pausing, "Could you not tell anyone about this? I'll have to find a way to do it myself. I'm going to be in my room for the rest of the day. Do me a favor and *don't need me* okay?" He stormed out of the office before Angel could get in another word.
--
"What's up with Xander today, Angel? He hasn't come down from his room since yesterday." Cordelia asked.
"Cordelia has a point... I went up a short while ago, and I found his door was locked and he didn't answer to any of my knocks." Wesley agreed.
Angel fidgeted, "I... don't know." He paused for a moment, "He threw a weak insult at me this morning and just disappeared. Maybe he went out."
Cordelia raise and eyebrow, "He never goes out of the hotel without one of us with him. He says he'd get lost, remember?" She took a seat behind her desk and leaned back in her chair, "Do you suppose I should call Willow? Maybe she can come up here and figure out what's wrong with him."
"No!" Angel objected quickly, drawing curious looks from his associates, and knew he needed to cover quickly, "...If Willow comes, she'll probably bring Buffy and..."
Cordelia saw where he was going, and softly replied, "You're going to have to face her someday, Angel."
He avoided her gaze, afraid of what she could see in his, replying just as quietly, "I know, Cordy... just not now, okay?"
He didn't get the chance to see the brief look of hurt that passed over Cordelia's features. She knew he wouldn't fully get over Buffy until they'd met and gotten closure.
"Fine, Angel. I won't call Willow, and I won't bring Buffy into this... but someone has to go up and find out what's wrong with him."
--
Fred stood outside Xander's room, watching him for upwards of five minutes. She'd initially gone to speak to him about what was bothering him, but instead, she'd decided to observe him for as long as possible, to see if she could get a jump on it.
What she had seen so far was enough to send her mind racing. He looked like a man with a lot on his mind, which was the easiest of her observations. He also looked like he was holding onto something. Something painful. It was in the way his shoulders slouched.
He obviously hadn't wanted them to know about whatever it was... that's why he'd put up the humorous front to throw them off. They'd explained that was the way he always was, but they didn't seem to fully understand just why he was like that. Except maybe Cordelia. She apparently knew quite a lot about him.
Fred understood what it was like to feel isolated among a group of people. It was the definition of her experience in Pylea, and continued today whenever she felt awkward around the Angel Investigations team.
She decided then and there that she would use their common bond to try to get whatever was bothering him out in the open. No one else there seemed to want to do it. Perhaps they already knew or feared pushing the wrong button. But she did that all the time... it wouldn't be the first time that she rubbed someone the wrong way, and definitely wouldn't be the last.
She was jolted from her reverie as a hand waved in front of her face. "Earth to Winifred. This is Xander calling, courtesy of Houston."
She snorted at his reference, and started to babble nervously, "I'm sorry... I just wanted to come and talk to you, y'know, about whatever and my mind kind of got away from me. I'd really like it if you called me Fred, cause that's what everyone else who's my friend calls me. I want you to be my friend, Xander, like I hope you want me to be yours. I want to try to get you to open up and talk to me because I know your whole joke thing is a front to cover up that you're feeling pain and I just want to do something to take away your pain and..."
His firm grip on her shoulders halted her. He was smiling faintly, and looked amused, "I appreciate the concern, Fred... but really, I'm fine."
She looked at him for a moment, still in his grip, before shaking her head, "Well... I-I don't believe you. You're all tense and quietly mopey. You're almost like Angel."
Xander flinched at the comparison, letting her go and heading back into his room, "I'm not! I'm just... adjusting to being here in L.A., that's all."
Fred started feeling the unfamiliar emotion of anger rising in her, and couldn't stop its escape, "Bullsh...bullcrap, Xander Harris. I... I might not be the best when it comes to relating to people. I spent 5 years in what I consider hell, and while I might have lost a little of my ability to communicate on a normal level, I picked up a little skill in reading people. People are weird creatures. We can be happy, sad, mad, calm... sometimes all at the same time. And we're stubborn enough not to let anybody else know."
She glared at him for several moments, and he seemed to have no response. It was another few moments before his soft reply came, "What was your hell like?"
"Oh, well, it was dirty; and it had these big ugly creatures that treated humans like cattle; and..." The meaning of his question suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks, "Oh... you were in hell?"
He avoided her eyes, "Worse, actually. I ...was in heaven."
"Oh..." She was quiet for a long time, "What was it like?"
He was caught off-guard by her question. He wasn't sure he could put it into words, but he figured it couldn't hurt to try. "Imagine something warm, and comforting, and always there. You're surrounded by love and calm, so much it's almost too much. I guess the best way to describe it is... perfect happiness."
Fred tried to digest his description, using her vibrant imagination to picture such a place. "And now..."
He tensed instantly, "Now I'm back here on earth... and it feels like I'm in hell."
Fred wanted nothing more than to hug all the pain out of the young man in front of her. However, she knew he probably wouldn't accept her comfort. He was much too involved in torturing himself to be comforted.
Instead, she decided a little distraction might help him for now. Until he was ready to open up more. She stood up suddenly, "I think we should go out." It took her a moment to realize what she said, "Tacos! For tacos! You and I should go to this taco place down the street... we can offer each other comfort."
He couldn't help but laugh. Still a hollow laugh, but it was something. "Well, would enchiladas enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find them *very* comforting." She simply looked at him strangely. He sighed, unsure exactly why he made the joke, and motioned to the door, "Let's go, before the dinner rush sets in."
--
Xander grimaced as the hand clamped down around his throat. He clawed at the wrist, hoping to wrench it free and begin fighting back. He made no progress whatsoever until Fred brought her handbag down across the head of the assailant.
The distraction provided Xander with his opportunity, bringing his fist across the vampire's jaw repeatedly. The claw hold on his throat was released, and he shoved the creature as far away from him as he could.
While Fred ducked out of the path the falling vampire took, Xander reached down to the ground and scooped up his fallen stake, "This wasn't what I meant when I said 'the dinner rush.'"
The vamp only snarled in response, climbing back to its feet and taking a wild swing. Xander easily ducked it, and struck with his stake. The scream of pain was satisfying, however the traditional dust cloud didn't follow it up. He was shoved roughly backwards, giving him a moment to examine what went wrong. He saw the stake buried in the demon's chest, however it was skewed off at an odd angle.
"Dammit, I must have glanced off a rib!" He had to get his stake back now. It was easier said than done, as the vampire seemed particularly cranky at his attempt to kill it.
"I don't suppose we could talk about this, could we? Y'know, they're striving for peace over in the Mideast, can't we work something out, too?" Xander quipped.
The vampire just glared, "Why don't you shut up and die already?" It growled, "I don't like to play with my food."
It was caught completely off-guard by the purse that came swinging from the side. The small object connected with the tail end of the stake in its chest, righting its angle and driving it into the demon's heart. It didn't even manage an effective last word before it exploded in dust.
Xander, too, was amazed, "How did you do that?"
Fred smiled sheepishly, "Well, it was all a matter of calculating the right angle to swing so the stake would move the right way into the heart. It wasn't all that hard, I just took into account the..."
He interrupted her softly, "Y'know what, nevermind. I've never been a friend with the math. No need for a reunion right now." He reached around behind her and used his arm to direct her towards the parking lot, "Let's get out of here."
"Aren't we going to go in?" She gestured towards the restaurant they'd just been fighting in front of.
He shook his head, "Nah, I think we should just head back. And from now on, we're sending Angel out to get dinner. It just isn't safe to go out at night anymore." She giggled at his intentionally ironic statement.
