6. HALLUCINATION
There's a shift in the air that only Light seems to acknowledge. It grows dense and hot, like he's walking into a furnace. He holds his breath, testing how long he can last without breathing. He's been breathing this entire time, and only now surmises that it isn't necessary for him. It's more like a force of habit. A way for him to cling to the last humanity he has left. Since his rebirth, he hasn't experienced any hunger pains or thirst. That should bring him relief, right? He's not dead, not really. But no heart beats in his chest. He almost misses having the comfort of knowing he's a living, breathing person.
"You look like shit."
Light glances up to see Ryuzaki watching him. He combs his hair through with his fingers and sighs. "What makes you say that?"
"Your eyes."
"My eyes?"
"There's pain behind them. Only someone who's suffered a lifetime's worth of hell should possess those eyes."
What the hell is he talking about? Light thinks. And why the hell is he speaking like he knows me? Not a person in the world has ever commented on Light's eyes. Not even the real Ryuzaki made any mention. But that could also have been because he was too preoccupied with finding Kira to take notice.
"You make it sound almost romantic," Light remarks, stifling a laugh.
"You're in luck," Ryuzaki retorts. "It's not meant to be romantic, so don't expect a ring."
"Good. I'm safe."
"For now."
They backtrack to the cliff where the blue fire remains aflame, crackling. The gray sky has darkened since the last time they were here, and Light senses that it must mean night has fallen onto the Shinigami world.
Ryuzaki points to the west. "See?"
Narrowing his eyes, Light hones in on the general direction. A cloud of dust and sand kicks up with the wind, shielding any visible path in or around the desert. The dust reaches the cliff, and Light turns away and blocks his face with his arm to protect his eyes.
"Afraid of a little dirt?" Ryuzaki says.
Light recovers, brushing off the sand from his long coat. He has a quick retort in mind, but holds it back. This isn't the time or place to be distracted by a petty argument. "Let's move."
They climb down the cliff, being wary of falling rocks or sharp turns and angles. The duo reaches a cavern, and from this cavern, Light feels a hot, sandy breeze lift up his hair and long coat.
"This must be the entrance," he says and takes a step.
"Yagami-kun."
Light looks back at the pale man.
Ryuzaki watches him with what appears to be a hint of concern in his face. No, it can't be concern. The sand must have gotten to Light's eyes after all.
"What's wrong?" Light asks.
Ryuzaki looks away as if to consider his question. "How far are you willing to go for your redemption?"
Light thinks he has misheard him. What kind of question is that? Is he implying that Light was in the wrong? Redemption means saving yourself from your past sins or errors. Light may have committed what some consider murder, but he's always seen his work as just and necessary. Evil exists in everyone. But some evil is worth the use. Only evil can purge greater evil. That is what separates the law enforcement from the criminals; the sane from the insane; the moral from the amoral; the heroes from the villains. Nobody can truly be pure. The question leaves Light so lost in thought that he takes too long to answer.
"Never mind," Ryuzaki says and heads inside the cavern. His cloak drags behind his hunched figure like a carpet. His gaunt appearance dissolves into the darkness. He calls out to Light somewhere inside, "You coming or not?"
Light tracks the sound of the voice, pressing his hand to a wall and hugging it until he steps on something soft.
"Get off my cloak, you blind fool," Ryuzaki growls.
"Sorry," Light says sheepishly and retracts his foot. "Wait, are you able to see in this darkness?"
"Yes."
"Clearly?"
"Yes," he insists. "You may be as blind as a bat, but the world is as clear as day in here for me."
"Do you see an exit?"
A pause. "I see…something."
"That doesn't help."
"Shut up."
A sigh escapes Light. He feels another hot blow of sand on his face, which gives him an idea. "Hey, maybe we can follow where the wind is coming from. That should lead us out."
"He can learn. It's a miracle."
Light frowns but pardons the insult. All he wants to do is leave this dark place. Without his vision, he feels trapped. Though it takes him now to notice, he's always had a slim fear of confinement.
Following the outline of Ryuzaki's shape, Light hugs one hand to his chest and uses the other to navigate through the cavern. Water drips somewhere he can't see. He believes it's close. His first thought is he should be thirsty, but being not so dead keeps him from wandering off toward the drips.
"There," Ryuzaki says.
He sees the opening before Light does. It creeps up around a corner, and Light squints his eyes, giving them time to adjust. The hot sand stings his skin. For a moment, he worries he might be blown away.
When his eyes find strength, a large sea of nothing rests before him. Like an ocean underneath the scorching sun, the sand moves with the wind like undulating waves. No foothills in sight. A sense of dread comes over him.
"If I had known you'd be bringing me to a real desert, Yagami-kun, I would have brought shoes."
"Do you see anything?" Light asks.
Ryuzaki's hollow eyes survey the land. He shakes his head. "Why do I feel like we've been given false information?"
"We haven't," Light says, even though a hunch grows inside his stomach. "If we go back now, we'd be wasting time."
Time. Why does it feel like his enemy?
"If we get lost, I'm killing you," Ryuzaki says.
Light starts ahead. His feet sink into the sand, and pebbles flow over his toes. The sand feels like hot coals. If only he had been given sandals to wear. His feet are as bare as Ryuzaki's. The difference between them is that Ryuzaki seems to prefer going barefoot. Light doesn't believe he's enjoyed the freedom since his youth. Maybe never.
The wind picks up, and another gust of burning sand whips their faces. Ryuzaki pulls his cloak over his hair and face like hijab. Light tries to mimic with his long coat. The collar only comes to his chin, leaving his face at the sandstorm's mercy. His gaze sits a few feet in front of him, periodically looking up to search for anything other than desert.
"Do you see anything?" Light calls to his adversary. The wind drowns his voice out.
No response.
Light's slanted eyes peek over his shoulder. Ryuzaki is gone. Taken by the wind like the sand stabbing at his skin. Light wonders if he had abandoned him when he wasn't looking.
For a time, all he sees through his eyelashes is wiping sand, piercing his face to the point he believes his flesh has started peeling, then his muscle, and down to the bone, until he's a skeleton. His fingers brush against the ripping sandstorm, creating a sound that reminds him of Kami's chains. The loss of skin and muscle has weakened his resolve, forcing him to the ground.
A voice like ice enters his head, Go back. You don't belong here. It's as clear and soft as a whispering lover. You are no God.
Light fights the wind and the voice. What's left of his body starts to unravel, split into dust and ash and become consumed.
Murderer.
Killer.
Failure.
The attacks seek to split his head apart at the crown and reduce his brain to a messy pile of nothing.
A cackle escapes the wind. Something stands before Light. He looks up with eyes he no longer possesses and sees a familiar face.
"Ryuk," he mumbles, sand pouring into his mouth.
"Light Yagami," Ryuk says in a mocking tone. "What a sad sight you are. If only you hadn't picked up the Death Note. You'd still be you." Clenching his long, fingers together, Ryuk conjures an apple into his palm. "Our time together was well spent. But the person you became can no longer help you. Kira is in your past. How will killing save your name, Light?"
He wants to respond, but the fierce wind and heavy sand cuts off any further space for him to speak.
Ryuk kneels down to his level. "Look."
Light follows the Shinigami's finger into the sandstorm. It doesn't seem to be pointed at anything in particular until a black mass forms. A man steps out, dressed in a business suit, and staggers toward him, clenching his chest. Drool slides down his chin, and he falls to the ground inches away and evaporates into a million particles of sand.
"Kurou Otoharada, heart attack," Ryuk says and points into another direction where someone else comes out of the storm.
Light can't fathom this one being a human. Half of the man's body has been crushed. Blood and brain matter pour down from his open cranium. His left arm and leg appear to have every bone broken, protruding out of his clothes like spines on a porcupine. The storm melts him away.
"Takuo Shibuimaru, car accident." Ryuk lifts Light's chin and turns his head into yet another direction. Light has no choice but to look.
A beautiful woman with damp, black hair and fine cheekbones stands shaking. Her nightgown drips, and she turns her inner arms outward. Razor slashes crawl up either forearm. Blood spills across the desert, drenching it in red. Her vacant eyes stare down at him in a mixture of betrayal and vengeance. Then a gust of sandy wind destroys any remnant of her.
"Naomi Misora, suicide."
Light has no way to speak.
"And those were only three of your victims," Ryuk says, releasing Light's chin. "Do you know how many lives you have taken in all?"
The wind whistles, as if alive.
"124925. That's how many people have died by your hand, Light Yagami." Another flick of the wrist summons the ghost of a boy, roughly the age of eight or nine, with blond hair and steel eyes to his side. "Do you know who this is?"
Light shakes his head.
"This is Thierry Morrello's son."
Morrello, Light remembers. The sleazy, foreign scoundrel L had hired to infiltrate Yotsuba under the alias Aiber. Light swiftly rid the world of the con man soon after L's death.
Tears well in the boy's eyes. "Why?" he asks, sniffing. "Why did you kill my daddy?" Then the boy's brow furrows, and his nose wrinkles in disgust. "You are not God. You're a fake. Fake!"
Light's bones crack, about to snap and join the rest of his torn being within the storm.
"You see, Light?" Ryuk says. "You see what the consequence of your actions have brought to the world? Nothing but pain and ire. Even a god can't extinguish all evil because you become the evildoer. The one bastard left in the world is the bastard who thinks he can rid the world of bastards. There will always be corruption. No world is safe. No person is immune to its infection."
With the boy sobbing and throwing insults at him, and Ryuk's silence chastising him, Light should have been consumed by the raging storm. But something keeps him adrift. It's something beyond a deep, impenetrable wall of pride and belief that he had constructed after swearing allegiance to the Death Note's power.
Light finds strength, lifts himself up with his crackling bones, and somehow revives his voice amidst all the chaos. "You think you can use cheap apparitions to frighten me?" A chuckle finds its way into him. "Don't give me that fake bullshit when you're no different."
The boy dispels.
"Oh?" Ryuk says in an amused tone. "What do you mean?"
"The real Ryuk would never say this. The real Ryuk doesn't care about the world. The world could rot into nothing, and he wouldn't bat an eye. Ryuk is a hedonist. All he desires is entertainment and apples."
The fake Ryuk falls silent, giving Light the chance to sink the knife where the wound has been pierced. Though a sliver of concern for his life stirs inside him, Light ignores it. "If you wish to scare me, Kami, you've failed."
The fake Ryuk stares at him with a challenged, almost wry, expression. His Cheshire smile dissolves, something Ryuk's would never do. His fish eyes pop out of their sockets, and his skin peels off and flutters in the wind like paper. Soon, nothing exists of the façade.
The wind whispers like it has a voice. The sand weakens its bitter grip, and the desert becomes clear, revealing the gray sky.
Light shifts and feels the sand between his fingers. His skin has somehow reattached itself, and he sees the veins and tendons beneath their fleshy covering. He stands. Before him rests not desert but the base of the mountain where several smaller rock formations and elevations exist.
He's reached the foothills.
A/N: So I'm actually proud of this chapter—yay for it being the longest in the story thus far! Light still holds true to himself, but willpower alone may not always be his go-to in future…*cough*
Next time on ROFG: Gambling for his name. Light finds himself on the cusp of freedom and eternal slavery! Will he win?
