Here is another chapter and here we see a glimpse onto the fractured thoughts of Kensi. Just because he is alive does not mean everything is fine and dandy because that is just not how real life works

Broken…Worthless…

Chapter 7

Nell's P.O.V

Several hours after the nurse left I sent everyone home; Eric looked uncomfortable, I told Sam and Callen to go home and eat Michelle's home cooked meal and I told Shaw that I would call her first if anything changed. So that is why when Nurse Amy came back in to a waking Kensi I was all by my lonesome.

"She is waking up, that is a good thing," the nurse's voice is hoarse and there is a handprint shaped bruise forming on her neck.

"I am so sorry for that," I wave sadly to the bruise. Surprisingly she merely smiles.

"It is nothing to apologize for, now I can't say I have had worse because that would be a lie, but I understand the reasoning behind it." she says as she looks at the machines hooked up to Kensi and takes notes.

It is quiet for several moments and Kensi has stopped fidgeting in her drug induced sleep, then I spoke, this woman had been curious about the two people in the picture, well the least I could do was give her some answers.

"They were both tortured," she turns wide eyed to me. "Deeks first, it was Kensi who brought him back, she saved him. Then about six months later, while away on…assignment, she was captured and tortured for fourteen days both physically and mentally. Kensi mentally saved Deeks, but Deeks physically and mentally saved her. But she was still healing when they finally got together and then he died…or so we thought…. They have been through so much, and now this, I do not know how she is going to get through this regardless if he is alive or not."

Throughout the trip down memory lane Amy remained silent before coming to sit by me, her eyes fixed on the pale form of Kensi. "I never… I never would have guessed all of that from her photos, but earlier when I saw the scars on her back I had some guess…but never that," she whispers.

"What marks?" I ask, I knew nothing of any lasting marks on Kensi from her time in Afghanistan, the only person who probably knows is Deeks, and well that just goes without saying as to why and how he found out.

She looks like she might not say but finally sighs, "There are long jagged marks from the top of her back to the bottom, and they look to be from an un-sanitized…. whip." I gasp and look back to Kensi.

"I had no idea…" silence fall back over us and stays for a few minutes until Kensi wakes up. I quickly move to her side, careful not to touch her. "Hey Kensi, how are you feeling?" I asked gently as Amy moves to stand on the other side of the bed.

Kensi's eyes move rapidly around the room and finally land on me, "Nell…" she rasps, her voice scratchy…

"Yea Kens?"

"I need to see him, please I need to see Marty… I have to apologize…" she whispers brokenly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Okay, but he is a coma Kensi, he isn't awake…" I say gently as I hear Amy grab a wheelchair and bring it to her bedside.

"I do not care Nell, please I just need to see his face."

"Ms. Blye, you will need help getting in the wheelchair," Amy begins to say but Kensi violently shakes her head.

"No, do not touch me…" she says, then she whispers almost to the point that I cannot hear her, but hear her I do, "Only he can touch me….only Marty." And just like that a partial answer to the burning question since Deeks' supposed death; she wanted only him to touch her. It was the shallow reason, lacking the details that were trapped in Kensi's fragile mind.

So we watch, standing closely in case we have to catch her, it takes several minutes and he hand gripping at her lower abdomen before she finally sits herself in the chair. I move to follow Amy while she leads us about three doors down.

"You can thank your boss that he is this close; when she learned what I planned she took care of all of it." Amy says to Kensi, in turn she nods looking at the door that Amy has a hand on. "You ready?"

Amy walks in first, then Kensi and I. And it is really him…Deeks is alive and laying on that bed, almost as pale as the walls around him.

"Oh my…Deeks…" Kensi stands from the chair, despite our warnings and limps to his bed. She cups his face with gentle hands, her thumbs rubbing under his eyes and through his scruff. I watch as a single tear falls from her eye and lands on his chin as she leans forward and in a move so tender that it makes my heart clench, brushes his lips with hers.

"I am so…so sorry Marty, I should have known that you were alive…I can't believe I lost…" she sobs, muffling it when she puts her head on his shoulder. She moves her right hand to over his heart, most likely feeling the slight rise and fall of his breaths, or his heartbeat, maybe feeling both.

Amy and I move to give Kensi a few minutes, but even though the closed door we can still hear her cries of happiness and heartache; a lethal combination of emotions.

Kensi's P.O.V

He is alive, that is his heartbeat…I lost his baby….the crack of a whip….my everything is alive… I hear them scream that I am a whore… why can't I see his blue eyes…my back is on fire…they are going to kill me…I won't ever see him again…I returned…he died…I was pregnant… he is alive…the baby, gone…

Oh god, how can he ever love me, if he wakes up, I am so broken…worthless…

-A. Grayson