Hello again, dear readers. It is great to know that you are still out there enjoying reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. I want to give a special thank you to my recent reviewers at : jacq82, Chkgun93, southrnbygrace, NCISchick, keeksterdee, Anon at 2:18 am on 6/23, Minstrel164, gloriajv, haz3335, cajun panda, xfcastle, Nat, Sarah Johnson, centava, and Senuna. Not to mention the many others who have subscribed to my story and author alerts and favorited this story. You guys rock!
A few people have asked me where I get my ideas for stories. Obviously I'm very much inspired by the show and characters, without which there would be no Caskett to obsess over. But I also cannot write without music. I suck at writing song fics, but I've developed a pretty sweet playlist that is my constant companion while I've been writing this story. Some of the songs are mood pieces while others have lyrics that apply really well to the emotions that the characters are going through in this story. Since I wish that all of life had a soundtrack, I'm going to share my playlist with you. All the songs can be played for free on YouTube and I'd highly recommend you listen to them while you read if you want to get the full effect.
"The Funeral" Band of Horses
"White Blank Page" Mumford and Sons
"Kettering" The Antlers
"To Build a Home" The Cinematic Orchestra
"Everything Will Be Alright" (Demo Version) The Killers
"Have a Little Faith in Me" John Hiatt
"Someone Like You" Adele
"Somewhere Only We Know" Keane (although I do enjoy the Glee cover as well)
"Songbird" Eva Cassidy
"No One's Gonna Love You" Band of Horses
"Afterall" William Fitzsimmons
"Cold Water" Damien Rice (This chapter's title comes from this song. Listen now. You won't believe how well it goes with this story. You can thank me later.)
"Kate? Honey, you did it. It should be getting easier to breathe now. The nurse is going to get you some pain medication, okay? Everything's going to be fine now. The worst is over."
Castle sighed in audible relief as he watched one of Kate's nurses inject the first of two medications into her IV port. Kate still winced from time to time as Doctor Sweeney carefully sutured the chest tube in place, ensuring that it stayed precisely positioned, but already some of the tension had left her face as she no longer struggled to draw a breath. Without a word, a second nurse tapped Castle on the shoulder, handing him a cool damp cloth. Castle looked at it confusedly for a few seconds, wondering if it was a not so subtle hint that the scent coming from his sweat and blood-soaked black shirt was a bit ripe before realizing it was intended for Kate. He turned his face towards her, noticing the sheen of cold sweat on her forehead, no doubt a remnant of the ordeal she had just undergone. He gently wiped her forehead and cheeks with the cool cloth, watching as her eyes closed involuntarily at the soothing sensation.
Kate and Rick both startled at Doctor Sweeney's voice. "Okay, Mrs. Beckett. Jenny just gave you some medicine for pain and a mild sedative to relax you, so you should start to feel some relief pretty soon. I've finished suturing the chest tube in place and we've confirmed that it is in the correct position with x-ray. The next step will be to perform a CT scan of your chest to look for other internal injuries. We seem to be draining a good deal of blood from your chest although so far we've been able to keep up with the blood loss through transfusions. If you show signs of active internal bleeding, we'll have to get you into surgery right away. If it looks like the bleeding in your chest is slowing down, we'll probably try to wait until morning to bring you into surgery to remove the bullet and repair any damage to your lung so that your body has a chance to recover and get a bit more stable. Once we get the results of the CT scan back, we will also need to consult with orthopedics to repair the damage that's been done to your shoulder."
He turned to look at his patient, making sure she heard his directions. "For now, Detective, the best thing you can do is rest. I know you're probably still feeling some discomfort in your chest, but you need to try to breathe as deeply as you can to reduce your risk of developing pneumonia. It's important that you let us know whenever you have pain in your chest because you are at a higher risk of blood clots due to your age and taking Ortho Tri-Cyclen and we don't want you to wind up with a pulmonary embolism. We want to make sure that we stay on top of your pain from now on so that you're able to breathe more deeply which will ultimately shorten your recovery time as well. Do you have any questions so far?"
Kate looked at Castle and managed to rasp out, "How long...?"
Castle finished for her. "How long will she be here? What about the chest tube? When can that come out?"
Doctor Sweeney shook his head at the couple. "Unfortunately, I can't give you a fixed answer on that just yet. It really depends on the results of the CT scan and whether or not she suffers any complications. Right now, her vital signs are improving, but she's still not completely stable. I can tell you that the chest tube will have to stay in for at least a week, but possibly longer. She'll need to be in the ICU so she can be closely monitored until the chest tube comes out and she can maintain her oxygen levels without needing supplemental O2. The orthopedic surgeon should be able to give you a better idea of what the recovery process will be like to regain function in her arm and shoulder, but I'm willing to bet she'll need some physical therapy and rehabilitation. Like I said, the biggest issue right now is figuring out if she still has active bleeding in her chest and getting that under control so that we can stabilize her blood pressure. She's doing better, but she's not quite out of the woods just yet."
Castle nodded uneasily, his earlier relief having been tempered by the doctor's daunting description of the long road Kate had ahead for her recovery. He knew that the laundry list of hurdles yet to come had to be even more upsetting to Kate who valued her independence above all else and would surely fight him every step of the way when it came to letting him (or anyone else) take care of her. Castle turned to her and was relieved to see that the remaining tension had left her face and she was struggling just to keep her eyes open. He doubted that she'd taken in any of what the doctor had said, but he'd certainly been listening and would make sure she heard it later. Right now, her doctor said the main thing she needed to was to rest and Castle intended to see to it that she did just that.
Castle turned back to the doctor. "Okay, thanks doctor. I'm guessing you'll give us an update after you get her CT results?"
Doctor Sweeney nodded. "Yes, I'll come update you once I have more information. For now, I'm going to step out so I can put in some orders for Mrs. Beckett and get started on her admissions paperwork for the ICU, but I'm going to have Jenny here apply a pressure dressing to the detective's wound and immobilize her shoulder. Someone should be down in a few minutes to take her up for her CT scan. The call button's on the side of her bed if you need anything in the meantime. I'm hoping that the pain medication and sedative we just gave her will knock her out for a bit since she really needs to rest, but if she seems like she is in pain or starts to have more trouble breathing, please call us right away."
Doctor Sweeney started to walk away, pausing as his hand touched the door to her room.
"Mr. Castle?"
Castle looked up in surprise. "Yeah?"
"You did a great job of keeping her calm so we could treat her. She's very lucky to have a partner like you. You must care for her very much." And with that, the doctor strode out the door, not pausing for a response from Castle. Rick felt his eyes start to fill with tears at the doctor's kind words, but quickly shook his head to rid himself of the maudlin emotion.
He looked up to see the young nurse whose name must be Jenny studying his face carefully. She smiled gently at him and said, "Wow, I don't think I've ever heard Doctor Sweeney say anything that nice to anyone, even his own wife. You must have really made an impression on him," with a slightly teasing smile.
Castle grinned in response, feeling relief at smiling for the first time in what felt like years. "Yeah, he must be a fan. Remind me to give him an autographed copy of my next book."
Jenny looked at him strangely, her eyes growing wide as she connected the dots and realized what the handsome man before her had meant.
"Omigod! You are THAT Richard Castle? The famous author? Does that mean... Is this... Omigod, is my patient THE Nikki Heat?"
Castle shook his head in shock at her sudden outpouring of enthusiasm. In less than a minute, the woman in front of him had gone from a professional nurse who'd helped save Beckett's life to a fawning fangirl who seemed young enough to be in Alexis's class. While the irony of this sudden change wasn't lost on him, he was also aware that Kate's killer was still out there somewhere and the last thing he needed was for the media to get a hold of the story. He could see the headlines already. "The Real-Life Nikki Heat in Hot Water after Shooting: Rook Refuses to Leave Her Side." Oh god, they would have a field day. He'd seen them create a three-ring circus with less. He needed to call his good friend Bob the mayor soon to see if his press office could help Castle squash the story. They were going to need more than a couple of black-and-whites stationed at the door to Kate's room if every one of Castle's nut-job fans knew that the inspiration for Nikki Heat had been shot and currently resided in the very public NYU Med Hospital with the real-life Rook at her side.
Castle decided to play it conspiratorially as he had a feeling that the nurse meant no harm. Maybe he could convince her that she was doing him a favor. Time to turn on the Castle charm.
"Shh, can I let you in on a little secret, Jenny? This is indeed my muse. But right now, she's still in a lot of danger, so we need to keep her identity under wraps, okay? Do you think you could help us keep our secret for now? It really is a matter of life and death."
"Oh my gosh, totally," replied Jenny quickly. "Your secret is safe with me. Besides, it is against HIPPA laws to break patient confidentiality. I would totally lose my job if I told anyone or talked to the media."
Castle let out a sigh of relief and looked down to see Beckett not so subtly rolling her eyes at him, a small smirk on her face. He winked back at her, happy to be sharing an inside joke with her again.
Jenny began to set out the medical supplies on a small tray near Kate's bedside, seemingly shifting back into the role of professional nurse now that her fangirl moment had passed. "Okay detective, I'm about to..."
Jenny trailed off as Kate spoke.
"Kate. Please, call me Kate... We should be on a first-name basis since you're such a big fan and all.." Kate continued, giving Castle a look that indicated that she was every bit as aware of the irony of the situation as he was. Kate stifled a snort of laughter and then winced in pain as the small movement jarred her shoulder slightly.
The wince of pain wasn't lost on Castle. Right, he needed to encourage her to rest right now. What had the doctor told him? She was doing better, but she still wasn't out of the woods.
Castle brought his hand back to her temple and resumed stroking her hair, hoping that the soothing movement might encourage her to fall asleep. "You okay?" he asked gently.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just don't make me laugh, alright?"
"Deal," Rick responded. He watched as Kate's eyes slowly slid shut. But mere seconds later, he watched her struggle mightily to open them again and look at him.
"Kate? Honey, you heard what the doctor said. You really need to rest right now. Just close your eyes, okay?"
Kate looked at him and Rick could see the fear that was still in her eyes. "Rick, I don't want you to leave," she said simply as way of explanation.
Castle squeezed her hand gently and kissed her forehead. "Kate, I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Just close your eyes. I'll be here when you wake up."
And with that, Kate's eyes slipped shut, her face finally relaxing in sleep as she was given a reprieve from her pain. Castle continued to watch Beckett's face carefully while Jenny worked quietly and efficiently next to him. Within minutes, Jenny had bandaged Kate's shoulder with several rolls of gauze. Next, she pulled out a complicated looking sling with pieces of velcro everywhere. She fitted it around Beckett's shoulder with ease, and Kate didn't do so much as twitch while the nurse carefully manipulated her wounded right side.
"Thank god for morphine," Castle muttered under his breath, grateful that Kate was finally resting easy.
"What?" said Jenny, giving him a strange look.
"Uhh... nothing. Just wondering when Kate was going to get that CT Scan." Castle covered poorly.
"Hmm, good question. I'll go check on her orders. I'll be back in a minute but feel free to hit the call button if you need anything."
And with that, Kate's nurse/possibly psycho fan walked out of the room, leaving Castle alone with Beckett for the first time since he'd told her that he loved her. Castle glanced at his watch, certain that it must be broken at first when he saw the time. Had it really only been an hour since Kate had been shot? God, that felt like a lifetime ago. Castle could swear that he'd aged thirty years in the last sixty minutes.
Castle looked down at his hands, realizing that they were still smeared with Kate's blood, although not as darkly as they had been in the ambulance earlier. He drew in a deep breath, trying and failing to stop his hands from shaking. He hadn't noticed it earlier, but now he could swear he felt the adrenaline pumping through his body. He looked around the room, locating a small sink in the corner and deciding that his first order of business would be to wash his hands. He walked shakily to the sink and watched morbidly as blood streamed from his hands, Kate's blood slowly bleeding down the drain. Suddenly, Castle heaved, emptying his stomach into the sink violently. He hunched over the sink for nearly a minute, unsure as to whether or not there was more to come. He took several deep breaths, trying to quiet the shaking that seemed to have migrated from his hands to his whole upper body. He ran the water washing away the debris in the sink before cupping his hands beneath the faucet to rinse out his mouth. He drank slowly, unsteadily, unsure that his stomach was ready to keep anything down, but the cool water seemed to revive him a bit. He finished by soaping up his hands, taking great care to wash away every trace of Kate's blood from his knuckles and fingernails. Finally, he felt strong enough to turn his attentions back to Kate, who continued to sleep undisturbed. She looked almost peaceful, Castle thought, if not for the jumble of IV tubes and monitor leads as well as the chalky pallor of her skin that only hinted at the ordeal of the last hour. He sank back onto the stool at her side, gently wrapping her hand in both of his, her fingers intertwined with his.
Castle looked up as the door to the trauma room swung open and Jenny entered.
"Okay Mr. Castle, Radiology is ready for her, so I'm going to take her down for her CT scan."
"Sounds good. I'll come with you," responded Castle, climbing to his feet.
"You are more than welcome to walk down with us, but you'll have to stand outside while they do the scan. Even the radiologist will be back in the booth. A CT Scan puts off a lot more radiation than the chest x-ray did."
Castle made a face. He hated to leave her even when she was unconscious. What if she woke up and panicked again? "How long will the scan take?"
"No more than 10 minutes. Trust me, Mr. Castle. I gave her a pretty big dose of sedative. She's going to be out for awhile. Why don't you go update the rest of her family while we get the scan?"
"Okay, okay..." Castle responded reluctantly. "But you promise to come find me the second she is done? I don't want her to wake up alone."
Jenny nodded while carefully transferring Kate's many IV drips to the pole attached to her gurney. "I'll take good care of her. The family waiting room is just through there."
Castle bent down and kissed Kate's forehead. "I'll be right back, honey. I love you." And before Castle had a chance to start to question his decision, he forced himself through the door and out into the bright fluorescent lights in search of Lanie and Jim.
"Castle!" Lanie exclaimed as the very tired-looking writer walked through the door. Within seconds, he was swarmed by Lanie, Esposito, and Jim. He glanced over and saw Ryan's fiance Jenny smiling shyly at him from the corner of room as well. "How's our girl?" asked Lanie impatiently, her voice betraying her fear for her best friend.
Castle drew in a deep breath. "Not quite stable yet, but getting there. She's getting a CT scan of her chest right now." Castle watched as Jim's face went slack with relief. Kate's dad looked like he'd aged thirty years in the last hour as well and Castle wasn't sure how much longer the shaky legs underneath him would hold. "Why don't we sit down?" suggested Castle evenly.
Castle turned to Jenny. "Hey Jenny, glad you're here. Come join us."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "I don't want to intrude on family stuff. Ryan really wanted to be here, but he's at your loft keeping an eye on Alexis and Martha, so he asked me to come and keep him updated."
"Get over here," Castle said with a weak smile. "You're marrying Ryan which makes you a part of our big, dysfunctional 12th precinct family whether you like it or not."
Castle turned at the feel of Lanie tugging at his sleeve. "Details, Writer Boy. I need to details."
Javier reached out and put a comforting arm around Lanie's shoulders. "Yeah Castle, how's she doing?"
Castle sighed, trying to find the least depressing way to give them the laundry list of Kate's injuries and possible complications to come.
"Well, when we got her here, her lung had collapsed and she was barely breathing. The doctors managed to get a chest tube in so she's breathing a lot better now. She was in a lot of pain, but they finally sedated her, so she's sleeping now. The trauma surgeon said that the main issue is to figure out if she's still got active internal bleeding in her chest since they were draining a lot of blood through the chest tube. Depending on how much she's bleeding, they will either take her up for surgery soon or they'll wait until first thing in the morning and give her body a chance to rest before they put her under anesthesia. The doctor also mentioned something about getting an orthopedics consult. I guess there is some damage to her shoulder that they'll eventually need to repair. We should know more after they get the CT scan results back."
Castle looked up as he finished, noticing for the first time that Jim Beckett's hands were shaking nearly as badly as his had been earlier. He couldn't even imagine what it must be like for Jim. To lose the love of his life. To see his daughter go down the rabbit hole of her mother's case. Jim had known just what this investigation might cost Kate, might cost him, might cost everyone who loved her. And he'd been right. Castle hadn't done his job after all. If he'd done as Jim asked, Kate wouldn't be in the hospital right now. As Castle felt guilt swell in his stomach, he looked down, too ashamed at his failings to look Jim in the eyes.
But Jim seemed to instinctively know what Rick was thinking and carefully reached out and placed a reassuring hand on the writer's knee. Castle looked up in surprise at the gentle touch.
"I know what you're thinking," Jim said evenly. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have prevented this."
Rick stared back at him, his voice heavy with unshed tears. "I should have stopped it. I saw the muzzle flash a half second too late. If I'd been standing just a little closer to her, I could have made it there in time."
"Yes, and then you'd be the one lying in that hospital bed and my Katie would be sitting here crying over you. I don't know if that would be any better. She told me what you did for her already. How you got her out of the airplane hangar, kept her from getting herself killed while she was trying to protect the Captain. You did exactly what I asked of you, Rick, and for that I am grateful. My daughter has a chance because of you. Don't blame yourself for this. Trust me, I've been down that road before, and it isn't pretty."
Castle just shook his head, unsure of how to respond to the gift that Jim had just given him. He was shocked at how clearly Kate's dad understood what he was going through. Unable to think of anything to say in response, Castle instead reached out and gave Mr. Beckett a tentative hug.
"Thanks, sir. That...it means a lot."
"Please son, call me Jim."
Out of the corner of his eye, Castle could see Lanie and Esposito sharing a look as they watched him slowly rise to his feet.
"Okay, right. I should get back to Kate. They said the scan would only take about ten minutes. I'll let you know as soon as we get the results back."
Lanie nodded. "I'll walk you out," she said casually.
Lanie grabbed his arm as they exited the family waiting room and started down a long corridor.
"First things first. You look like shit," Lanie started scoldingly.
"Geez Lanie, how do you really feel?" Castle responded with mock hurt.
"You know what I mean, Castle. You need to take a second and clean yourself up. One of the nurses pointed me to the doctor's lounge earlier and showed me where they keep the clean scrubs. Take a second and go change."
"I need to get back to her Lanie. She freaks out every time I so much as take one step away from her bed."
"I peeked at her chart. They gave her 10 of Morphine and 5 of Versed. She's going to be out for awhile. Trust me. Speaking of which, I want the unedited version of how she's really doing now."
Castle let out another sigh and rubbed his hands over his face, unsure of where to start.
"Castle, how long did she stay conscious?" Lanie asked more gently.
"Long time...she was awake for the whole chest tube ordeal. She finally passed out, but probably only about 15 minutes ago," Castle said flatly.
Lanie gave him a pained look. "Oh god, that must have been hell. They couldn't sedate her first, could they?"
"Nope. It was hell, for her and for me. Probably one of the worst half hours of my life." Castle admitted.
"Wow... just wow. Our girl sure is tough, isn't she?" Lanie responded.
Castle looked at Lanie seriously. "Lanie, you have no idea. She's...she's the bravest woman I've ever known."
Lanie looked at Castle for several seconds. "You really do love her, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do."
"How long?" asked Lanie.
"Long time now. Maybe since I first met her."
"She loves you too, you know. She's just too stubborn to say it out loud."
"That's okay, Lanie. I'm a patient man. As long as she's okay, I can wait."
"Well good, because she is going to need you for the next few months. She's lucky to have you. You know that?"
"Other way around, Lanie. I'm the lucky one."
Lanie smiled and reached into her pocket, passing Castle his iPhone.
"Where'd you...? I didn't even know I'd lost it." Castle said, tucking it securely into his pocket.
"You left it in the ambulance. The paramedic found it on the seat and brought it back to me."
"That was nice of him." Castle said. "Thanks for hanging onto it for me."
"No problem, Writer Boy. Alexis texted a few times to say that she was safe. I told her you were in with Kate. She wants you to call when you can."
Castle nodded. "Thanks Lanie, for everything."
"You know how you can thank me? Take two minutes and change out of those bloody clothes. You look like an undertaker dressed in all black like that. Splash some water on your face and change into some clean scrubs. Kate deserves to wake up to someone who looks a little nicer than you're looking right now."
Castle chuckled, holding up his arms in mock surrender. "Alright, alright...I give up. I'm off to change and then I'm going back to Kate. I'll update you as soon as the doctor comes to talk to me."
"That's right you will. Take care of our girl, Rick. See you in a bit."
"Will do, Lanie."
A few notes... When I first started out with this story, I wasn't sure how long I'd continue it. I'd been thinking something like 5-6 chapters total. But now that I've finished my seventh chapter, I feel like I'm just getting started, so I've decided that I'll keep writing it as long as I can keep coming up with ideas and you can keep reading (and reviewing) it. One of my biggest pet peeves is when TV shows (and fanfic writers) skip over the long recovery process that is usually a reality with any major injury like Kate's. I myself experienced that a few years ago when I had three surgeries in a two month period (for an injury that was much less life-threatening than Kate's). It took six months of intensive physical therapy and rehab for me just to be able to function physically, and even longer than that before I fully felt like myself again. One Castle fanfic that I'm really loving right now is called "Therapy" by Jenrose1 and it is following a similar model of really getting into the realistic aftermath of Kate's injury. I've got some really interesting ideas about where the story will go in the future, but as always, I'm open to suggestions for possible plot threads.
On a somewhat related note, I've been writing like crazy for the past few days due to being stuck in bed with a bad case of bronchitis. Yeah, so you know how much Kate hates being sick or injured and depending on others for help? That's me times ten. So, it was surprisingly easy for me to write about her frustration with her broken body. All of this is a very long way of saying that this fic is serving a slightly therapeutic purpose for me as well, and I can see posting several more chapters over the weekend simply to keep me from climbing the walls with boredom. So, if you want to help keep a fellow writer off the ledge so to speak, please review. I could use the human interaction at the moment... And on a somewhat related note, I'm a mere two reviews away from this story becoming my most reviewed story ever. I hate to be selfish, but two more reviews? That would totally make my night.
