Chapter 7 The Talk
When Scully had found a nice spot with a bench where she could sit on next to Mulder in his wheelchair, she knew she would have to be the one to start their talk but wasn't sure how she would start. But before she could start Mulder started talking.
'This is nice; it feels good to be out in the sun, outside, no confining hospital rooms or roommates. Just fresh air and good company.'
'I'm glad you like it and that you like the company. I do have to confess I might have had some ulterior motives in bringing you outside. Not only for enjoying the nice weather, but also to talk to you in private. I feel that this conversation is long overdue, but we need some privacy for it.'
She looked at him while she said this and saw the understanding and a little bit of uneasiness in his eyes.
'I know I'm going to start to sound like a record on repeat, but I've meant everything I said to you in the hospital. I love you; I've loved you for a very long time now. I'm sorry that this has had to happen for me to be able to finally say it and show you, but we can't change that. I want us to share our life together, I want to be there for you when you need me, and I want you to be there for me when I need you.'
Before she could continue Mulder interrupted her.
'How can I be there for you when I can't walk around, when I need help with everything, with changing my clothes, taking a shower, going to the toilet. I can't even do the most basic tasks without help. And it is embarrassing, having to have to call someone when you need someone to help you wash and clean you. It's embarrassing being so helpless. I don't want you to see me this way, but I'm sure that I can't stop you from coming over, so I'm not even foolish enough to ask you to stay away.'
'I can imagine how you must be feeling right now, but that doesn't change the way I feel about you. I can appreciate your feelings of embarrassment, but you should never feel embarrassed around me. There is nothing you could do that would warrant that.'
Before he could interrupt her again she put up her hand and continued.
'I haven't forgotten what you said in the hospital about not being able to be the lover you think I deserve or want. I told you then that that didn't matter to me. I didn't fall in love with your penis Mulder; I fell in love with your mind and your heart. Your body is a nice addition to that, I'm not saying that I don't appreciate your body or that I haven't thought about what it would be like to make love to you, because then I would be lying. And I'm more than happy to wait for you to recover to further our physical relationship, just as long as I can keep kissing you hello and goodbye every time we see each other. We've waited so long, so we can wait a little bit longer I think. And when, not if but when, we will be both ready for more it will be worth it.'
All Mulder could do was look at her and he saw the love in her eyes. He still couldn't believe that he deserved her, but for now he knew that he shouldn't tell her that. Instead he took her hand in his and kissed the back of it.
'I can't believe you just said the word penis out in public,' Mulder joked after a few minutes of silence.
'Off course that is what you would dwell on, Mulder. Well it's true, everything I said is true. I know you still don't believe me, but I will make sure you will believe me.'
'So you didn't fall in love with my wonderful body, but with my heart and my mind?'
'Yes, you are brilliant and have a good heart. You always know when I need your comfort; whether I want it or not. I love the way you respect me, even when I disagree with you. You let me use my mind and don't mind if I don't agree with you.
You were there for me when my father died even though you hardly knew me back then. And when Missy died and all the other times I needed you, you were there, no questions asked. Even when I made it seem like I didn't want you there.
Don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate your body. But I think that it was only about the sex and just physical attraction we would have ended up in bed long before now. But because it was not just that, at least not for me, I wasn't prepared to risk our friendship by sleeping with you. I don't believe in the friends with benefits concept. I think that somewhere along the line, or even from the beginning, one of the two parties involved will develop feelings for the other and that only ends up in heartbreak and that will damage the friendship beyond repair. I didn't want that to happen to us. Our friendship has meant everything to me; I didn't want to lose that. I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't in my life.'
Mulder decided that it was time to share some of his feelings on the subject. She had been brave enough to share hers, so it was only fair that he did the same.
'I love you too, Scully. And I think you're right. If we'd jumped into bed together before now; it would have changed our relationship and probably our friendship. I have to admit, that at first at least, it was just about lust for me. Since you dropped your robe in front of me in Bellefleur, I couldn't help but wonder what it was like to sleep with you. But somewhere along the line that changed. I would feel guilty about those feelings, I felt as if I was abusing your friendship and your trust. I started to realize that this was more than just lust, and more than friendship. I just didn't know how you felt and if you were even remotely interested in me that way.'
'I think we needed this time to realize what we feel for each other and that the time is right to acknowledge those feelings. And now we can work on strengthening our relationship, while at the same time we will work on strengthening your body. We have all the time in the world. We don't have to do go through the awkward first stages of a relationship. We already know each other and know that we love each other. '
With that she leaned over and gave him a slight peck on the lips, just to confirm their bond and signal the end of this talk, at least for now. They both knew that they still had to learn a lot about each other and that Mulder's injuries would take time to heal, both the physical as the psychological.
'So, do you want to tell me how your physical therapy went today?'
Mulder told Scully about his therapy session, the fact that he could move his toes a little and that he had managed to stand for a few seconds, before collapsing again.
'That's wonderful! That's great progress. I just know that together we will overcome this and finally something will go our way for a change. And tomorrow you can also include swimming in your therapy. It will help with strengthening your muscles, I'm sure.'
'Maybe you could join me sometime when I'm having therapy?' Mulder asked with a mischievous grin.
'Sure, I think we can arrange that,' was Scully's reply.
It was almost time for dinner, but before Scully wanted to give up their privacy she wanted to do one more thing. She'd been giving him almost chaste kisses since he had been hospitalized, but now she felt they both deserved something a little less chaste. Mulder still had her hand in his, but the position they were in was not suitable for proper kissing, so she stood up bent down towards him, standing in front of him.
Mulder had expected another chaste meeting of their lips, but when her lips lingered and she didn't seem to pull away, he moved his lips over hers. She had waited for him to move, since up until then it had always been her who made the contact and she needed to know that he wanted this as well.
When she felt him move his lips, she couldn't help but take his lower lip into her mouth and started sucking on it. That was something she had wanted to do for so long now. When she let go he repaid the favor by taking her lip between his. Finally their tongues met and fought for dominance. It was perfect, both of them fighting for control over the kiss and neither willing to give in. It was a metaphor for their relationship, both headstrong and not willing to give up without a fight. At some point Mulder sucked her tongue in his mouth and softly bit it. All Scully could do was moan and she decided that he could have the upper hand this time.
At the beginning of the kiss, Scully had put her hands on Mulders shoulders and he had put his on her waist, but their hands had started to move during the kiss. At the end his were on her back, pulling her closer and she had her fingers tightly entwined in his hair. After a few minutes of passionate kissing, it was time to come up for air. Scully withdrew slightly and looked into Mulder's eyes, and she could see the love there. She was sure he could see it in her eyes as well.
'Wow, I think that was worth waiting for; don't you?' she said with a smile.
All Mulder could do was nod and give her a quick kiss on her lips. It was high time he started showing her he meant it as well.
They made their way back to Mulder's room, he'd had the choice to eat in the common room or in his own room, and for today he had chosen to stay in his room. Mark, his roommate, had gone to the common room for dinner, so they had a little bit more time for themselves. It wasn't unusual for guests to stay for dinner, but they had to be registered a day ahead; and Scully hadn't been. So when the nurses came to bring Mulder his dinner, she felt it was time to go. She had to eat as well, and they'd had an intense afternoon. That on top off Mulder's therapy session, it was time to let him have some rest.
She left him with her usual kiss and the promise that she would be back the next day.
