Chapter Six - Surrender
Oh if you could see my heart
The way I feel inside
You would know just how far
I'm willing to go to get to you
It had only been a few weeks since Illina had moved into my home when it became inevitably obvious how much she had flourished under my care. There had always been a subtle eroticism about her, a kind of untamed and wild beauty sleeping within, but it was under my wing that the raw diamond became a sparkling crown jewel, that her sheer exquisiteness was uncovered. The abundance of a variety of nourishing meals and the availabilty of a daily bath had performed a true miracle. Her skin was no longer pale and sallow but of a healthy rosiness, and her lacklustre curls had become a mane of thick black silk whose rich tendrils I couldn't stop winding around my fingers. The boyish boniness of her body had transformed into a dream landscape of gentle slopes and valleys that I eagerly explored anew night after night. Illina had never been unattractive, but now she was so alluring, so beautiful, that I found it unspeakably hard to take (and keep) my hands and eyes off her. The only reason I got any sleep at all was the fact that unfortunately exhaustion did take over at a certain point. But even if it was only an hour or two that I actually rested, I felt refreshed and vibrant every single morning. Nighttime belongs to lust, and I revelled in it, relishing those moments where time stands still for the sake of pleasure. All those things I had fantasised about when I wrote Don Juan were now reality, and I took great pride in the fact that even though Illina acted entirely indifferently towards me, only doing what I asked her to and constantly keeping me at arm's length, she was not immune to the pleasures I poured over her. I thrived on those breathy moans, those whimpers and cries that she failed to repress when I held her in my arms. Every single soft sound that slipped past her lips betrayed the coldness she showed me, which I suppose was the reason why I never lost my patience with her. At least for a while.
At one point, however, it dawned on me that she did indeed hold all the aces. I claimed her every night, but all the while I never got a single kiss. The first time I tried to capture her lips with mine, she closed her eyes and turned her face away, offering me her slender neck instead. I was too caught up in the heat of the moment to think about it any further, but it happened over and over again during the nights that followed. Everytime I attempted to kiss her, she'd withdraw from me, distracting me somehow. She managed to fool me for a certain time, I give her that. And yet there came the moment I realised she was doing it on purpose. Illina did not want to kiss me. I was free to do with her body whatever I wanted, but she would not kiss me. I cannot say why it bothered me so much, but my obsession to taste those lips grew with each time she denied me.
"Why won't you kiss me?" I therefore finally roared one night when I leaned in once more, only to find her turning away again as I pressed her up against the wall. I grabbed her face with both hands and forced her to face me, grinding my teeth."Why, Illina? Why?"
She winced momentarily, but regained her irritating aloofness rather soon. A quiet, dry chuckle slipped past her lips, and she snorted softly. "I don't kiss, Erik. A kiss is a display of affection between lovers. Between two people who are emotionally connected. Do you really think I would kiss my son with the same lips that I have offered to someone who pays me to be with him?"
I just stared at her then, too shocked to believe my ears. If I hadn't been paralysed by the overwhelming hurt those words caused me, I might just have hit her in a moment of rage. It wasn't as bad as being told I was rather wanted dead by my own mother at the age of nine, but it came very close to that. This was cruelty refined to perfection. My heart stopped beating for a moment, and I took a few steps back, trying to catch my breath.
"What do you think we are, Illina? Tell me, what am I to you?" I yelled on top of my lungs.
"You're my sponsor, Erik," she replied calmly. "And I do not believe you have any reason to complain."
"Yes, I do," I growled, dangerously quiet. "You belong to me, and I have every right to kiss you!"
"Take what's yours then," she answered coldly. "But don't expect me to give it to you willingly."
Now that was just too much.
"Clear out of my sight!" I hollered, letting go of her and grabbing the bottle of wine on the table next to me. I threw it across the room in a rage, smashing it into pieces. I glared at her, and I could have sworn she felt my scornful stare as though it was a multitude of daggers cutting into the flesh of her back as she left the room.
Needless to say that the atmosphere was a little frostier than usual after this little incident. I went out more frequently in the evenings, not going anywhere in particular most of the time, just roaming the empty streets, trying to get away. I composed several pieces of music in a matter of days, but they were so full of anger and aggression that not even I considered them suitable for the philharmonic. My anger smoothed out eventually, but the hurt remained the same. What else was I to do? I had given her a home, food and clothes, I had treated her with a respect I had previously reserved for Nadir and Madame Giry alone, and even though you could possibly say I insisted on exercising my rights, I never hurt her like all the others had but tried to make it pleasurable for her, too. It was so unjust, so frustrating, so heartbreakingly painful. I was almost ready to give up on it all, to throw her back out onto the streets where she had come from, and it was a mere coincidence that stopped me from actually doing it.
I was sat at the piano that one night, working on some music. This endeavour proved rather difficult, though, as I still found it hard to concentrate. Lazaro had been crying nonstop for what seemed like hours on end, and even though he was in the adjacent room to where I had banned Illina, I could still hear him. At first it was a little unnerving, then it was purely irritating. I jumped to my feet and strode across the room, pushing the door open.
"Is he done crying yet?" I snapped. "I'm trying to compose a piece of music, and this is doing nothing for my nerves."
"I'm sorry," Illina replied softly, rocking the little one as she spoke. "I don't know what's wrong with him. I've fed him, his nappy is fresh and I don't think he is sick. He just... he just won't stop."
"Yes, I can hear that," I growled, but my tone of voice softened just a little bit at the sight of the tiny bundle in her arms. Being at odds with Illina was something that had nothing to do with Lazaro. She had never let me near him, but I felt a sudden urge to come closer everytime I laid eyes on him. He didn't have any fault in this.
"I've been trying to get him to sleep, but it's just no use," she sighed, stroking his head. "I should go outside so you can have your quiet."
"No, you stay right here," I commanded. Just because I couldn't stand being around her didn't mean she was suddenly free to do as she wished. "Give him to me."
"What?" A confused look overtook Illina's features, slowly turning into suspicion. "Why?"
"Give him to me," I simply repeated, closing the distance between us.
"Erik, what are you up to?" There was a fearful undertone in her voice, and when I realised she was afraid I would hurt him, anger flared inside me again. I ground my teeth for a moment, forcing it to back down.
"I'm not going to harm him, if that's what you think," I stated tonelessly, reaching out and just taking him from her then. I ignored the cry of protest from her, effortlessly pushing her away when she attempted to take him back. I then turned around and headed back to my living-room. Looking down at Lazaro as he cried on with maximum volume, I felt the same bittersweet pull at my heart that had almost torn me apart when I had held Reza in my arms for the first time. He was so little, so weightless, so warm and soft. My gloomy mood was gone before I knew it, and I began to rock him carefully as I walked about, trying to calm him down.
"Shh," I whispered, planting a tender kiss on his forehead. "Shh, it's alright."
Surprisingly enough, his sobs decreased in regularity and volume rather abruptly. I raised a brow, shifting him in my arms so my one hand was free. I felt my heart leap within my chest when his tiny hand barely wrapped around my index finger, tugging at it gently. He blinked and sniffled a few times as he opened his eyes to look at me. Eyes that were as blue as his mother's. For a moment, it looked as though he was puzzled not to see Illina's face, and if I hadn't known better I would have bet my life on the fact that he frowned ever so softly in confusion. I knew it was impossible for such a young child to wear a countenance of this sort, and yet... I had never seen such awareness of the surroundings in a child's eyes, and I was very impressed indeed. He emitted a soft cooeing noise as he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly. It almost seemed as though he was curious who I was. And suddenly I had the crazy idea that maybe he had been crying because of the tension that was in the air.
"Good boy," I murmured, gently cupping his head in my hand. His thin, fluffy curls tickled my palm softly. They were like satin against bare skin, and I couldn't stop caressing him. "Now, there really is no reason for you to cry, little one. Your mother and I have had a terrible fight, yes, but it'll all work out."
I have no idea what made me say this, especially not when I had heard Illina step up behind me a few moments earlier on. Seeing her lean in the doorway, I turned back around as though I had to shield myself and the baby from her eyes that could not see.
"Sleep now, sweet child," I mumbled. "Sleep well, sleep tight." And before I even realised it, I was humming a tune that had unexpectedly made its presence known in my head.
"Don't cry sweet child... I'm with you, I'm here." It had been a while since I had last sung to someone, but I felt my heart swell with pride when my voice caused a wide, toothless smile to sppear on Lazaro's face. I smiled back at him, tickling his stomach softly. It was amazing how the words just came to me without even having to think about them. "Don't be afraid, there's nothing to fear... above you, the stars are shining so bright... so close your eyes now, and dream for a while."
I kept singing, rocking him softly as I moved about. I took a silent breath when he began to yawn, randomly at first, but more and more often as I continued. For some reason, I was almost sad that he seemed to get tired so soon. When his eyes had stayed close for a good five minutes, I trailed off, humming as I turned around and walked back to Illina, who hadn't moved from the spot where she'd stood and listened.
"I think he's asleep," I said quietly as I carefully placed him back in her arms.
She just nodded, the expression on her face unreadable. I watched her as she went back to her chamber, laying Lazaro down in his cradle with great care. I expected her to come back out and argue with me for taking him away from her, or to close the door and shut me out. To give me a sign of some sorts. But nothing happened, and so I retreated to the living-room once more, opening a new bottle of wine as I sat down by the window.
I couldn't tell how much time had passed – seconds, minutes, hours? – but after a while I heard the soft sound of bare feet hesitantly tiptoeing across the carpet. I held my breath for a moment, listening to hers. She seemed calm and collected, but the fact that she stopped and waited when she was about six feet behind me gave her insecurity away. I wondered what had made her change her mind, why she was approaching me now. I knew that she knew that I had heard her, and I enjoyed the position I was in very much. Illina needed a reaction of some sorts from me, she depended on me to admit or dismiss her, which clearly made me superior. And I like being in control.
"What is it?" I eventually asked nonchalantly without turning my head.
A moment or two passed before she answered me. "Can I sit with you for a while?"
Suddenly I was very glad that it was dark and that I wasn't looking her way, because her words caught me totally off guard. My brows furrowed, and I blinked. This was a move I hadn't expected her to make. I had a vague feeling she was up to something, but I didn't even have the slightest idea what that could be. I thought about it for a little while, finally deciding to give it a try.
"Certainly."
I watched her as she came closer raising an arm to touch the wall and guiding herself to my little niche by the window. She sat down in front of me on the cool stones, wrapping her arms around her knees as she leaned back against the stone frame, seemingly looking out onto the lake. Neither one of us spoke for a long time. Minutes passed, and I eventually turned my gaze away, back to my glass of wine.
"What's the view like from up here?" Illina then asked softly.
I frowned again, asking myself how the view could possibly be of interest to her. "It's beautiful," I replied truthfully.
"Would you be so kind to describe it to me?"
If I wasn't already confused, I was now. "Care to tell me the reason why you're interested in the view from my window? It's not like you can see a thing."
It was mean to say something like this, and I knew it. But I just couldn't help it. The spiteful part of me was still strong enough to strike back, and the fact that she seemed to be playing a game with me whose rules I couldn't figure out irritated me somehow.
"I wasn't born blind, Erik," Illina replied patiently. "I was about eleven when my eyes began to get worse, and it was only around my thirteenth birthday that my world drowned in darkness. I need you to see for me now, and to tell me what you see. Share it with me... please?"
Silence spread once more as I sat there, utterly and completely stunned. I was at a loss for words, too shocked and surprised to think of any kind of response. Not only had this been the very first time that she had disclosed personal information to me without being pressured to do so. She had also asked me for something, and even though my mind beat against it, I could not have turned her down if my life depended on it. I had hoped for her attention for so long that I didn't want to deprive myself of it now that I actually had it.
"There's a black, glassy lake below us," I said, my voice quieter and softer than I had intended. "It is in fact the Vltava river, but it's broader here than a few miles further up and down town, and it only flows very slowly. On the other side, there is the castle..."
I spent a good half an hour describing the view to her, and the most surprising thing about it was that I actually enjoyed it. Making her see through my eyes meant I had to use symbols and metaphors to illustrate the mood of this image outside the window, compare what I saw to things I assumed she knew. It was fascinating, and I juggled the words like an artist, forming, transforming, arranging and rearranging them until they became a tangible picture. I almost got lost in it when suddenly Illina got up and reached out.
"Where are you?" she asked.
"I'm here."
Putting my glass down on the ground, I instinctively took her hand in mine, gently pulling her towards me. I felt my heart skip a beat when I felt her other hand on my shoulder, trying to figure out where exactly I was sat, and before I knew what was happening to me, she was sitting on my lap. I heard a muffled gasp in the dark, and I was afraid it could have been me. My hands roamed down to her hips, digging into the soft flesh ever so slightly as I fisted her thin nightdress.
"Illina..."
My voice was barely a whisper, and I felt so lost that for a second all I wanted at this very moment was to run away. What was she doing with me? What was she doing to me? The sheer closeness of her body didn't fail to have the usual effect on me, clouding the warning cries of my mind. Her scent filled my head, and my breathing sped up just a little. My eyes fluttered shut when she cupped my face in her hands, her thumb caressing the unmasked side of my face.
"What do you look like, Erik?" she murmured questioningly.
I froze for a moment, paralysed by an overwhelming wave of self-consciousness. My appearance was a secret soft spot of mine. I had grown accustomed to it over the years, had learned to live with it because I couldn't change it, but to think of it willingly, to put it into words was hard. I still hated this face. I shook my head vehemently, swallowing.
"Please... I want to know what you look like," she whispered softly, brushing her thumb across my cheek again with a heartbreaking tenderness.
I gulped, feeling cornered and scared. If I had had any control over my body, I would have pushed her away, I would have jumped to my feet and fled, but I was unable to move. I was under her spell, and it frightened me beyond belief.
"Please, Erik..."
Taking a deep, silent breath, I somehow found the strength and courage to oblige. "My eyes..." I thought for a moment, feeling foolish about being uncertain what colour my eyes were. But had it ever mattered to anyone? "They're green... and I have dark hair... straight, brown ha-"
When I felt her fingers on the hem of my mask, my body immediately went rigid, and I quickly grabbed her hands, forcing them back down. "No!..." I panted.
She didn't fight me but waited until I hesitantly let go of her hands again. I winced when she cupped my face once more, panting.
"Don't be afraid..."
I shivered when she whispered the words into my ear, my eyes fluttering shut once again. Torn between excitement and fear, pleasure and pain, aching and wanting, I simply let the fever overtake me. Every nerve in my body was crying out for her, restrained only by the fear I felt because she had rendered me useless with a simple touch, with a few whispered words. Nobody had ever had that kind of power over me.
"Can I take it off? The mask? Will you let me take it off?" she asked softly. And strangely enough I somehow knew that if I really said no, she would accept it.
"Why?" I almost cried, feeling how I began to shake. "Why, Illina?"
"Because you're hiding behind this thing," she sighed. "I want to see you."
The truth can be so harsh sometimes. I couldn't answer, couldn't say yes or no. Failing to stop her as she took off the mask, I resigned to my fate, keeping my eyes closed so we were both caught in the same darkness. The kind of darkness that became a comforting nothingness after a moment, and when I felt her fingertips skimming over my entire face as gently as a butterfly perching on a flower, a rush of adrenaline boiled along my veins. There was nothing of friendliness in that tender caress, but rather it was filled with feminine wiles. A softness one reserved for the touch of a lover. My heart began to beat so fast that I was afraid it might break my chest. It felt so unspeakably wonderful to be touched, to be caressed without hesitation, without fear. The only thing that drove Illina as she explored my features was a tender curiosity, and I let out a shaky breath. When her thumb traced the outline of my bottom lip, I couldn't contain myself any longer. I brought my hands up to her face, cupping it and pulling her towards me with passionate brutality, leaning my forehead against hers so I could feel her warm breath against my lips. She froze, but I knew I had to keep at it now. We both needed to take off our masks.
"Say it, Illina," I whispered urgently. "Say 'kiss me, Erik.' Say it, beautiful. Please..."
She swallowed hard, her breath coming in ragged, shallow pants. I looked at her out of half-closed eyes, watching her struggle with herself. The way she trembled in my grip, the way her bottom lip quivered, the look of apprehension on her face, it must have been a mirror of myself just a few moments ago. I couldn't help feeling as though we were both standing on the edge of a deep abyss, but the only way we could leap was together.
"Tell me," I coaxed, mimicking her earlier movements as I caressed her cheeks with my thumbs. "Give in, angel. Seal our fate."
My fingers slowly traced the path to her own lower lip, memorising every curve and smooth edge of her silky flesh, as I had done a hundred times in my mind. The sensation of her skin was like velvet against bare flesh, and my blood slowly licked up along my veins like raging fire. I needed her. I needed her so badly at this moment that I was willing to sacrifice anything to get that kiss. My life might not be depending on it, but my soul did without a doubt.
"Kiss me, Erik."
I released a noisy breath when those three words ended my torment at last. Closing my eyes, I leaned forward to close the distance between us, capturing her lips with my own. They were warm and soft and smooth, and for a moment or two I did nothing else except revel in the feel of her mouth against mine as our lips shyly acquainted themselves with one another. Then Illina sucked on my bottom lip ever so softly, returning the kiss, and I felt my breath quicken against my throat. She wasn't going to change her mind, wasn't going to back out again. No, she was returning my kiss, and I could have sworn my heart would flush straight from my chest and into her exquisite grip. Bringing one hand to the nape of her neck, I tilted my head to the side just a little for better access, tracing the line of her cheek with my thumb as the tip of my tongue sought to part her lips. I was hungry, I was heightened, but it wasn't enough. Kissing her was like a feast to a starving man, and I wanted to drown in this intense intoxication.
Illina slid her arms around my neck, her body now pressed up so closely against mine that I could feel the heat radiating from her. I let my free hand roam her back aimlessly, slowly and gently. She let out a quiet, shaky breath, and I shuddered, knowing she was relishing this as much as I was. I pulled her face a little closer as my tongue parted her lips, slipping against the dark, warm cavern of her mouth. I tasted her as though I had been offered a sip of rich red wine, my senses fading into oblivion, drunk with emotions. I teased her tongue with my own, kissing her with fervent ardour, plunging inward and retreating again, wanting her to match me stroke for stroke.
The moment she did, the kiss exploded.
Our tongues entwined, engaging in a wild, passionate dance that soon left us both breathless. A shallow moan escaped my lips as I pulled back for a brief moment to catch my breath, and I heard Illina gasp, too. I felt pure agony wash over me during those few seconds that my lips left hers, and I crushed my mouth against hers again, rife with passion and desire. Our kisses became deeper and deeper, shaking the both of us to the very core. Caught up in a downward spiral that pulled us from the atrocities of reality down into the dungeons of passion and desire, we lost ourselves in each other's arms.
It was the moment of unconditional and complete surrender.
song credit: Let me love you, by Tim McGraw
