7. Quitters

The morning is gray, cold and wet and I feel more tired of this life than ever.
That massacre at the Twins never leaves my head.

I guess, I had secretly hoped for the Northerners to triumph. I've always admired Ned Stark. Maybe I hoped for some kind of happy ending. Justice and peace for everyone. Something illusory like that.

But now it can only be a matter of months until the last uprisings in the Riverlands are quenched.

We keep doing what we did all along - fall on the roaming bands of soldiers who try to bring devastation where nothing much is left to devastate. Lannisters, Northmen - no big difference.

But they too will leave in the end and the emerging lords of the Riverlands, the treacherous and multitudinous Freys of the Crossing, will take it upon themselves to restore law and order. Hunt down the remaining bands of outlaws.

I can't say I could think of a better ending. I can't remember what we are fighting for anyway.

There is so much I don't remember. One of the soldiers who's throat I cut a few days ago begged me for his life. Told me, he was a vassal of House Dondarrion. That he had cheered for me when my betrothal was announced.

„Did you know I was betrothed to a Dayne girl?" I asked Thoros later.
He examined me carefully and told me, yes, of course.
„I can't remember." I said. „I don't remember what she looked like."
He nodded gravely and then tried a half-hearted smile. „ But me you do remember, right?"

Of course I do. I see him every day. His face was the first thing I saw coming into this world six times in a row now. I'm sure he'd be the last thing I'd remember, when everything else was gone, chipped away by the harsh winds of death.
But I won't let it go that far. I have to stop. Soon. The sooner the better.

I keep asking the Red God for a sign, a hint from above, every night before I fall asleep.
But there is nothing here to see, but gray fog and murky water.


Although the brothers have seen their share of rotting bodies – more than enough to last for a lifetime – they turn away from the ugly bloated form.
But I know my prayers have finally been answered and I can't keep my eyes off her.


„This is it." I tell him. „I've come far enough. Far too far. Today I'll die for good. Bring her back instead."
He stares at me as if I'd asked him to take her for his wife and raise a pack of happy half-dead children. „You can't be serious!"
„I am." I assure to his consternated face. „She should be brought back to avenge herself and her family. I feel I owe it to Lord Stark."
He stares at me for another while and finally his voice comes flat: „You're just saying that because you want to to die."
„That woman deserves her revenge." I insist. „And I deserve to die."1

Absentmindedly Thoros runs a hand through his graying hair. „Revenge?" he asks his voice sounding doubtful. „Don't you think it would be cruel to bring her back? Her husband is dead, her children are dead, her home is defeated and beset by enemies. Why would she want to wake to that again?"

He sounds agitated but I don't see his point. „To take revenge." I stagnantly repeat the obvious and Thoros falls silent.
As he keeps on staring at me I see something shifting in his eyes. Like something had been constructed in there, carefully, but unstable and incredibly fragile. And now it slowly tumbles in on itself.

„Maybe you do deserve to die." he whispers.
Suddenly he looks smaller. Weaker. Older.

But his voice is back with determination when he adds: „But I won't bring her back!"
„Yes, you will." I won't back down on this. We talked about it. „You said yourself you couldn't lead the brotherhood if I was gone. She can. When she wakes, she will have the fire to continue the hunt. To bring justice to the ruthless murderers. She'll be able to do what I can't anymore. You know I'm tired. But the flame in her could fuel a new purpose for the brotherhood."

He knows I'm right, I can tell. And he still doesn't like it. I see that too.
But I have him now.
„Do this last thing for me." I say. And he turns his face away from me.


1. Sorry, couldn't resist. You know this line's not mine, right?