A/N: Okay readers, this one is a bit much. So don't go too hard on me. I'm not sure about how your responses to this chapter. But keep in mind more and more is yet to be revealed. It's a process. Lol. Enjoy.
Chapter
Six
MICHONNE
Summer 1998.
From under the white, domed tent, D.J. Zack is playing the music at a-tad-above ear-splitting level. Consequently, Mike, my ex, breathes down my neck for me to hear whatever he needs to say.
"Girl, be real–those playas in New York are gonna go wild over you," Mike pauses to lick his lips and allow his wide, wandering eyes, for the hundredth time, to slither down my figure. "I'm so jealous, it ain't funny."
Thankfully, I know he's not.
I give him an indulgent smile, and a polite nod of my head, before casting my attentions out to Walsh's jam-packed pool party. The usual faces from Cressida private and the neighboring public school, Coleman High, are here, mingled in with quite a few unknowns to my surprise. This annual summer event is typically 'invite only.'
On the other hand, the three p.m. sunny weather is perfect, the catered food is exquisite, and the alcohol and hard-bodies are bountiful.
Amen.
One particular high-school graduate I'm straining to keep an eye on, the one who drove me out here, is currently entangled with her boyfriend, swapping spit, twenty feet away from me on a lounge chair. Abandoned at exactly 5 minutes after our arrival, Karen said she needed one second to go say 'Hi' to her boo, Tyreese. But that was over an hour ago.
Which means now I'm stuck with this fool who, mind you, is beautiful, (Yes Lord, you did good on this one), yet shamefully dim and desperate, (No Lord, you missed a spot). Mike has asked me to go "check out" Walsh's mansion three times already in the past fifteen minutes. Do I look like some naïve freshman? Because I am not having it. I wish he would leave. Find some other girl to go mack on, because he is wearing me thin.
"Hey Mike," I drain my cup and tap it on his hand, "you mind? Still thirsty." As soon as he turns his back I'm outta here, lose myself in this crowd.
"Wanna beer? Something stronger?"
"Surprise me Big Mike."
"And what's my reward Miss thang?" He jiggles my aviator sunglasses propped in my hair. "You know you gotta give a brother a little something to look forward to when he gets back."
My head snaps away when he brushes his lips purposefully over the tip of my ear.
"Don't." I shove him off and hold up a warning finger, but he only smirks.
'Jackass.'
Just as I prime my hand to smack him stupid and cause a scene, an arm slides across my back and snags around my waist.
I don't have to glance up to know who it is that's suddenly pressed by my side. The familiar scent of spearmint gum and Calvin Klein, also coils around me as Rick places a brazen kiss on my cheek.
"Hey, there you are," Rick says. "Been looking all over for you."
Pure irritation tightens the skin around Mike's mouth. He's no longer staring at me but glowering daggers at my best friend.
'Cool your jets bro.'
I turn my body into Rick's and nearly bite my tongue when I'm struck with how scrumptious he looks today. Laid back yet stylish in a navy blue, v-neck t shirt, paired with cargo shorts, and his brown curls slicked back from his summer-tanned face.
"Thought you weren't going to make it?" I say, not making any effort to contain my wide, eager smile.
"Almost, but then I thought about my girl being here alone to fend off these leeches," he gestures towards Mike.
"Step off Grimes," Mike barks, apparently picking up Rick's insult.
"This guy bothering you?" Rick's gaze however, doesn't leave mine. So smug and disapproving at the same time. He flips Mike the finger and in the next second extricates me from the confrontation.
All summer long, when I wasn't clocking in at my part time gig at Best Buy in the mall, Rick and I hung out together religiously. Most days, as soon as my shift ended I'd find him outside the store, seated on the edge of the fountain, sucking a lollipop and waiting for me. We'd jump into his Ford truck and end up wherever the hot Georgia wind took us. Sometimes, we'd drift close to home by his mother's cabin at Lake Woodson. Other times, we'd be on the road for hours, crossing over state lines and back.
As usual, dinners and late nights were spent at either my house or his. Pigging out in front of the television, playing cards, or listening to music till the wee hours in the morning.
As a result of devoting all that time to each other, I needed a break. With the exception of phone tag, we haven't interacted with each other much over the past two weeks. Part of my "Operation Detach." To wean myself off Rick Grimes before I leave for college.
But, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
"What are you wearing?" he asks, once we've cornered ourselves between a round, shaded table and a wall of vine-covered lattice. "This two-piece is not what we discussed. What happened to the blue one?"
"Um, the T Back?"
His brow arches at my attempt to play dumb. "Yeah, that. You said it was fly, I agreed, so what the hell is this?"
I look down at the designer, yellow bikini perfectly accentuating every curve of my eighteen year old body. "It's my treat to myself."
He grunts. "More like a treat to these dogs out here salivating over your… cookies." Rick's use of my six year old sister's word for breasts cracks me up every time. Now, how can I take him seriously?
"They are?" I turn and grin at two cute guys I've never met gawking my way. I wiggle my fingers and mouth 'Hi' whilst trying to step out from Rick's shadow. But he's not playing. He has the nerve to reposition himself cock blocking me. "If you could just stop being an ass—"
"How much did this cost?" His arms are folded now. So what? 'Ish' just got serious?
"Aww Rick." I giggle, because even when he's fussy he's cute.
"How much? Did you stick to the budget? Supposed to be conserving your funds. Don't underestimate how hard things get living on campus."
"It won't for me. I'm not living on campus."
"What? Since when?"
"Since Daddy said so. He called last week. Convinced me to stay with him."
"And his new wife, Gretta the witch? With her two gremlin kids?" Yes, Rick knows all of my business.
I nod solemnly.
"Shit."
"Shit is right. It's gonna suck. But really I have no choice."
He strokes his knuckles across my cheek with concern. "You okay?"
I shrug. "As okay as I can be."
Rick stares at me for a few seconds knowing I'm putting up a front. "What did he say?"
Not wanting to discuss it further I dismiss the subject with a curt shake of my head. Any talk concerning my father usually ends with me in tears. But basically, I'm the forever ungrateful brat of a daughter, who is never good enough even though I try like hell to be practically perfect. Oh god. Now I'm losing my buzz just thinking about it. I need to fix that.
"If you'd excuse me," I say, "my Smirnoff needs to be refreshed and I need to mingle."
His arm jerked out and he snatches my wrist as I brush past him. "Get a t-shirt first."
"Dang Rick! You sure know how to make a girl feel special. I told you I wanted to treat myself. Do you really hate this suit that much?"
"You look like a fucking dream and you know it."
My face heats up and I'm speechless. The switch in Rick's expression is so swift, by the time my brain re-connects to my mouth to verbalize a response, he just as quickly breaks eye contact and scans the crowd.
His hand then slips into mine. "You, me, together... at the lake. Come on. Let's go."
"You just got here."
"Yeah well I'm not feeling this crowd."
I pull back. "These are my friends. It's the end of summer, I won't see them again."
"Don't think much about these people, and neither do you. They're all bums."
I shake my head and huff. Rick can really talk a lot of trash.
"What?" He squints at me as though I shouldn't take offense.
Sometimes I really don't understand him. He knew I'd made plans to be at this party today. This is my last chance to chill before I embark on a brand new life course at the end of the week. "Karen and Tyreese will miss me."
He takes his phone out from his pocket. "Here, text 'em."
"But my bag, it's in her car."
"Can't you get that tomorrow?"
My hands drag over my face as frustration starts to build.
"Are you gonna leave with me or not?"
"Not Rick. This...Us...It doesn't work like that. I'm not…"
"Not what?" he asks when I leave my sentence unfinished.
'I'm not your girl.'
I shake my head. "Forget it."
With a measure of reluctance, I allow him to lift my arms around his neck and tilt my chin up.
Looking down at my face, his eyes narrow as he pulls me snug against him. My head swims, and my breaths quicken as that familiar tingling sensation warms my insides.
"You wanna stay?" he asks, "Fine, then I'll stay too. I'm sorry. But you've kept me away for two weeks Michonne. Without telling me why. And I'd rather if I could enjoy today with just you."
'Be strong Michonne. Don't stare. Don't lose yourself.'
Easier said than done. It's moments like these that I know Rick knows my secret. And I may never get over him.
I bite my lower lip. How can I reject his request, when all he wants is to hang out with just me? And who am I kidding? When we're alone… it's everything. I love it. Besides, after this summer I don't know when next we'll see each other again. So...
I cave, as per usual. "Would I still have to wear a t-shirt?"
"If it's just the two of us, no way bubblebutt." His finger trails my nose, and my lips burn with longing.
I smile. Rick Grimes really has me under his spell.
€...€
Sitting on this sun-bleached wooden dock, my legs stretched out, ankles crossed, I soak up the awe-inspiring panoramic view of the sparkling lake right before sundown. There's no denying it, Rick had been right. This is infinitely better.
As I bask in the summer breeze, letting the warm air dry the cool water off of my dripping skin, his approaching footsteps from behind alert me to his presence.
"Here," he says, handing over one of the towels he'd retrieved from the cabin.
I drape it around my neck as he slumps down onto the planks next to me. Almost immediately I notice reddening patches at his shoulders, and my thirsty fingers find an excuse to touch him. With a light stroke I trace a line around the blistering circles, but he's not bothered about getting sunburned.
"Look." I grab his wet t-shirt, which is balled up by my feet, and tell him to cover up.
As he slips his top back on, Rick suddenly admits to having spoken to Lori yesterday. She called, wanted to say hi. Wanted to know also when he'll be back at UVA in Charlottesville, because she's starting her freshman year sixty-five miles away at the University of Richmond.
I shrug and say, "Okay." But the heavy silence that follows indicates I should say something more. I don't. The dip in my stomach won't allow me to ruin the intimacy of possibly our final afternoon together.
Maybe tomorrow.
Rick and Lori had, once again, ended their relationship. Like Walsh's party, it's become an annual event at this point. This last separation occurred during spring break some months ago, and they are yet to attempt at reconciliation. Reason cited for the break up, according to Grimes: 'Incompatibility.' Whatever that means. I, on the other hand, can't help but speculate whether or not a major grievance transpired, because this pause in their courtship seems permanent permanent. Not wishful thinking, just being observant. I know he loves Lori, and regardless of my desires, Rick is an all-round great guy, whom I think deserves the world. And if Lori is the one who can give him that, then I'd be a hypocrite and a sorry excuse of a friend to discourage him from making things right with her.
But again…Tomorrow.
Placing a second dry towel over my thighs, Rick then lays down resting his head in my lap. I stroke his wet hair, more for my contentment than his, whilst we watch the golden sunset together.
Love, peace, and gratitude permeate my entire being for this simple experience.
My heart is full.
The tranquility of the moment inspires me to confide in Rick my fears about being away from home, from my mother and my family for an entire year. Not that I'm not brimming with excitement over residing in a new city, but I wish he wasn't leaving on Friday, because I'm leaving on Saturday and would've liked for him to be there when I say my goodbyes. I've never lived anywhere else, ever, and I'm terrified.
"You don't have to be," he says, reaching up to sweep his thumb back and forth along the curve of my chin. "You're gonna do great. You're gonna go over there and conquer that city, meet new people, and do amazing things. I know. Because that's who you are." He places my hand on his chest. "Plus I'll be needing you to call me everyday with the 411."
I tilt my head and smile down at him. "You want the 411? The scoop? The deets?"
He laughs. His gem-like gaze twinkle up at me. "Yeah, I wanna know everything, Michonne. Don't think about leaving anything out. I'll know when you're lying."
I bet he will. I bet he knows I've been lying to him for the past four years.
He turns quiet. But the calculations of his mind are visible in his eyes.
"What? You have more instructions for me?" I tease.
"Just one more, actually." His fingers start stroking my palm lightly. Innocent, but my heart gallops anyway.
"Okay."
"If you meet someone special, you'd tell me, right?"
That's not an instruction, that's a question. A peculiar one in fact.
"Right," I say, as I blink away from him, uncertain as to what the correct response in this scenario should be. Actually, I'm uncertain as to why he'd make such a request in the first place. Discussions about anyone 'special' in my life were usually kept to a minimum—by me—and typically had in a nonchalant, light-hearted and dismissive way.
And what about him? Should I ask that he do the same? If he's truly moved on from Lori? Yeah, right, I don't think so. That's the last thing I'd want to know.
"Won't really have time for that though," I add. "Dating? Not when my father's gonna be hounding me every minute. He's paying my tuition, he owns my ass, so he won't want me to forget it. You know what that's like."
"Yeah. I do," he says, emitting a long deep breath. "Why did we both get stuck with dip shits for fathers?"
"I don't know."
Waning light creates a red orange sky and darkens the waters of the lake. Before it gets even darker I turn and pick up the small book I noticed he brought with the towels. "What you got today?" I ask.
"Your favorite," he says, "The Brontë sisters." It's from his grandmother's collection kept here at the old cabin.
I open the slim volume of poems and read a portion. "'I'll not weep, because the summer's glory, must always end in gloom; And, follow out the happiest story— It closes with a tomb!'"
"Dark," he comments, "What's that mean to you Miss Moretti?"
"I interpret it as a bittersweet goodbye."
We stare at each other.
"No, not goodbye," Rick whispers, "Just... see you in awhile."
I shake my head and twist my mouth as tears spring to my eyes. "I think this might be it." His hand swipes away a fallen tear. And I laugh embarrassed. "And 'Tomb' pretty much means the end, Rick."
He turns and nuzzles my stomach giving me a quick peck above my navel. "I love you bubble butt."
I sigh. "Yeah. Love you too knucklehead."
€…€
Once complete darkness has taken over, we head inside the cabin. I follow him through the small, fifty-year old log house towards the downstairs bedroom where he hands me a fresh button-down to thrown on. Rick then peels his t-shirt off to go take a shower.
"You look like Mr. Krabs." I tease about his crimson neck and shoulders . "Probably have crabs too. From your night out with Miss blondie a few weeks ago."
He stings my stomach with the wet fabric. "Jealous?"
"Hey! Are you serious? That's gonna give me a serious welt you jackass."
"Stop exaggerating."
"I'm not. Look it's already starting to raise. Ugh! Rick, I could kill you!"
"Where? Let me see."
"What do you mean where? Right where you stung me, stupid." I point to the area right under my bikini top.
"Where? I don't see anything." He leans forward and squints.
"Right there…asshole." I smack the top of his head. Hard.
"Ouch! Goddammit Michonne—" He lunges forward and tackles me, causing us both to fall back on top of the bed. At that point, he does the unforgivable... He tickles me relentlessly. "Say you're sorry. Come on, come on. Say it!"
I screech and wriggle my body. "Alright. Alright," I say, trying to catch my breath seized by a fit of high pitched giggles. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Pleased, he stops. "Good, better."
"You started it." I look up at him as he hovers over me pinning my wrists on either side of my head.
He doesn't respond. His laughing eyes hold mine in a steady gaze, and as usual, like the sun, I can't stare for too long. So I allow my gaze to stray, stealing a glance of his heaving torso, and lower...
"Rick get off of me." The fingers of desire grip my throat and my voice is weak.
He doesn't. He drops to his elbows and I'm caged underneath him. "I don't think you mean it. Are you sorry, Michonne?"
"I am so sorry." I wrench a wrist from his grasp and rub his head. He gives me a mocking pout and I laugh some more.
"Yeah? Show me."
His breathy words wipe the grin off of my face.
'Show me?'
More of a command than a suggestion.
Next thing I know, he's mapping out the shape of my lips with his finger. A genuine yearning in his eyes.
Goosebumps prickle my skin and my pulse throbs. I don't know, and I do know, what he wants.
Or do I?
Wait, slow down. Let's not jump ahead of ourselves. Don't misread his signals. I am picking up signals, aren't I? I have to admit my friendship with Rick is so close, the line between platonic playfulness and flirtatiousness have become somewhat blurred.
With caution, my hand drifts down to the side of his face but Rick doesn't budge. He's letting me caress his cheek and I'm not certain what to do next. Do I really want this? Of course. Anticipation already has my body humming. I want this. Besides, how many times have I fantasized about what it would be like to kiss him. Just once?
In the blink of an eye, I feel his arms waver, the dip of his body as his legs intertwine comfortably with mine. Rick cares about me, and I adore him so I tilt my chin up feeling safe and wanted in this moment.
Soft… yet brief. That was it.
I knew the kiss was coming, but couldn't believe it until after his lips lifted off of my mouth. What, the hell, just happened? Did my mind seriously blank out? Because I think I missed it.
Rick takes note of the confusion in my eyes and whispers if this is okay? My brows hike up like Really? That's all you got? He smiles, but his breathing, like mine, is labored. We're both riddled with pure nervousness. My fingertips slide down his toned arms and back up. Although his skin is cool and damp, his body, right against mine, blazes like fire.
As much as I am able to, I show him that I am at ease. My muscles relax and I nod ever so slightly. It's not much, but for Rick it's enough. His mouth drops onto mine and, just like that, he's kissing me again.
And this one registers. The glide of his pink lips is soft, slow, and teasing. Over and over. From corner to corner. Top to bottom. Deeper and sweeter. A kiss years in the making. Propelled by deep, hot secret longing, thick and demanding for a release. My lips part, our tongues touch, push and taste. Our hands sail the entire lengths of each other's burning, wet bodies. The incertitude about whether or not we could handle the repercussions of crossing this line is present in the back of my mind, but it does nothing to persuade me to pump the damn brakes. Or even to hesitate. Not for a single second. Rick and I, we don't stop. Neither of us does because neither us wants to. We want more, we want it all. So we give and we take and we submit to each other solely and completely until our bodies mold into one.
€...€
Standing under the running shower, Rick keeps asking if I'm sure I'm okay. I tell him that yes, I'm sure, the bleeding isn't much at all.
His chest presses against my back as he holds me close to him.
Tilting my head to the side, Rick nuzzles his face into my neck and I pull his arms tighter like a belt across my abdomen. His fingers flex around my rib cage and his mouth, warm and tender, tastes the water off of my skin.
Still high on my emotions, my eyes close and I try to control my breathing.
We've crossed over into a new domain which is sweet and intoxicating. A deadly combination. One I could easily get addicted to. I feel secure in these arms—these arms of my friend. I feel special, like this is where I belong.
"How was it?" he murmurs into my ear.
"What?" A nervous giggle fumbles out my mouth,"Oh, it was…"
'This is so awkward.'
"…First exciting, but then strange? I guess. Unusual being so…exposed yet, you made me feel comfortable at the same time."
"But did you enjoy it?"
Again I laugh. Men and their egos. "Yes, Rick. You were very um...considerate." He groans burying his face deeper into my neck. I tap his wet cheek. "Worth every penny. I'll leave a big tip."
Rick sinks his teeth playfully into my skin and I let out a little squeal.
Now it's my turn. "And you? Was I—I mean—Was it…Okay, wow, this conversation is seriously too weird." I bite the corner of my lower lip glad he's not able to see my tortured expression.
Rick chuckles and nibbles my ear. "Sort of. But I don't know how to answer that question."
Embarrassed I go quiet. It was either good or it was bad. Simple, straightforward. He doesn't have to be more weird about it. I mean personally I thought it was amazing. The perfect way to say goodbye. But I guess he doesn't. Oh crap.
His forehead falls onto my shoulder and I lift my hand, running my fingers from front to back through his soaked hair.
"Rick?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't have to feel bad if you didn't enjoy me." After all it was my first time. How much could I give when I was so caught up in recording every second of the experience.
He holds me tighter.
"You wanna get out?"
"No. Not yet. And of course… of course I enjoyed it—you. It's just…" He pauses.
'Okay Rick, you're killing me here. It's just what?'
"…This is so different," he admits. "My mind won't stop racing and my heart's still thundering, pounding like a beast. Give me a few more minutes?"
"Sure." I don't like how he sounds. So different? What does that mean? Is he scared? Was this a mistake?
"Michonne?"
"Yeah?"
"You need to know something. Alright? I kinda think you've marked me for life. In a good way. In the best way."
My tender heart squeezes. "How—how do you mean?"
My body rises and falls slowly with the deep breath he now takes."I don't know. Just that maybe, if you think about it… like really think about it, you and I we're meant to be a part of each other's lives, you know. We should be. My mother once said something like that—some people are with you for a moment, and some for a lifetime. I think I wanna keep you for a lifetime, Michonne." His fingers grip my hips when he hears no response. "Tell me, what you're thinking?"
'I think I'm gonna cry.'
Sensing my distress, Rick lifts his head and turns me around to face him. He uses his finger to run a line down the center of my dripping wet stomach and I quiver.
"You don't have to say anything right now," he says, "because I already know. I know that you care about me." His palms then splay across to my hips, and he backs me up against the bathroom wall. Once more, his mouth and his hands consume, devour, and plunder every inch of my body, making me tremble wanting him all over again.
When he let's me up for air, I stare at him somewhat bewildered as water drops fall down his face. Does Rick have feelings for me? Is that what he's trying to say, that this means something more?
"You said this is different. Different how?" I ask.
He links my arms around his neck, as he likes to do, and leans closer to my ear. "Good different," he whispers. "Fantastic even. Look," he places my hand over his chest, "still feel like my heart's bouncing around, out of control in there," he chuckles. "That's for you."
I take his hand and do the same. "Mine too."
He pulls back and I don't even try to hide the wide grin plastered on my face.
"To be honest, what I'm trying to say is that I um…" He laughs and shakes his head, his ears flushed bright red, but Rick shouldn't feel hindered to express himself. Not with me, and especially not now.
I place loving kisses across his chest. "What? Tell me." I look up and my eyes are ensnared by his, conveying a level of such intensity I hold my breath. "What is it?"
"I think I'm in love with you okay?" His words tumble out one on top of the other.
I have to stop, replay it, and slow them down in my mind. "You think?"
Without warning the world comes to a screeching halt and I frickin lose my own speech.
'Wait. What?'
Fear, elation, and guilt all bombard my mind and I freeze.
Again. I think I might cry. "Okay. I—I…"
Misreading my stunned reaction Rick's eyes widen twice their size. "Hold on, let me explain."
"No—I just…"
'Say it. Right now. 'I'm in love with you too.' Say it!'
But I can't. Oh god, I don't know how.
I tell him that I love him all the time, just a couple extra words, what's the difference? The difference is I've spent so long burying my truth, training it to stay hidden, that it's now refusing to come. The words are lost, clogging up my chest, unable to navigate their way up and out of my throat, even in this absolutely perfect moment.
Oh crap. I am gonna cry.
"Hey, hey, hey. Michonne, what's wrong?" He slaps off the faucet as I start sniffling. He wraps me in a towel first before grabbing one for himself and guides me out to the bedroom. "Hey, did I do something wrong?"
I nod. "Nothing's wrong."
He chuckles at my conflicting responses. "We need to talk about what this is."
"We will," I say drying my tears. "But when we're clothed and dry and not so..."
"Heated?"
"Emotional. Please? Give me till tomorrow." I need to get my mind straight. I don't like being so dramatic but I am seriously overwhelmed. Operation Detach is a total failure. "I'll come over after shopping with Mom."
"You sure?"
"Sure."
He kisses my cheek. "Michonne?"
"Yes?"
"No regrets?"
I can't say how I'm feeling, but I could show him. I brush my lips against his one more time. My secret soundless on my breath.
'I'm in love with you too.'
"No Rick. No regrets."
"Thanks for driving me around today baby."
"No problem Mom," I say, resting the grocery bags on top of the kitchen counter."It was fun. You need anything else? Want me to go get the girls from next door?"
My mother starts unpacking her goods and refilling her cupboards. "No, I'll be fine. Go on 'bout your business and tell Rick I said 'Hi' for me. I'd like to see him before he leaves town, though. When is it, tomorrow?"
"No, Friday."
"Oh good. Then definitely we should have him and Dee over for dinner this week."
"Yes Ma'am."
I skitter back out the house and jump into my mother's car. Checking the rear view mirror, I reapply my lip gloss, pop a tic-tac, and fix my hair.
A minute later, I'm still sitting in my driveway. My hands wringing the steering wheel raw. Maybe I should go back inside and change. No. No, I should just get through this. Shouldn't psych myself up for nothing. Breathe. Turn on the ignition. And drive.
I switch the car on and...
What if Rick was confused, and simply caught up in the moment? Or not. What if he's sincere and we could actually be more? Because I want more, I've been wanting us to be more and everything to each other for like forever and a damn day. But then I'll have to confess that I've been lying through my teeth, secretly crushing on him for years. How mortifying. However, on some subconscious level, Rick knows the depth of my feelings for him. Right? It's the only reason why I let him be my first.
No, none of that matters now. I'm ready to be straight with him. Come what may. There's no way we could go back after what he said. And what did he say? He thinks he's in-love with me? Yeah well, he doesn't know. He might think differently today and I won't find out sitting here mentally torturing myself. I've done enough of this last night.
Another five minutes, and some seriously deep and slow breaths, later, I finally turn off of Wilson street driving the short distance over to Rick's home.
Approaching the grey and white brick bungalow however, a familiar red pick-up is parked at the entrance of his garage. So instead, I pull up on the other side of the road, obliquely opposite Rick's house. I take my phone out to text him that I was here. Before I could type in Rick's name, I spot him stepping out onto his porch with the owner of the pick-up.
Lori.
Suddenly, there isn't enough oxygen in the compact vehicle, but I wouldn't dare wind down a window.
He holds onto her by her hips and she's hugging him, their foreheads pressed together. And... Of course, she kisses him. I should look away but I don't. I imprint the image in my mind. The way Rick is staring at her, it's heartbreaking, almost as if she owns his soul. Sometimes I think I look at him the same way.
I slowly shake my head. You have got to be kidding me. I am such an idiot. I, am such, an idiot!
So everything he said to me, was what? I don't know, but clearly those two love each other. It has always been Rick and Lori. And it will always be Rick and Lori.
He probably misses her. That's all yesterday was. I was just a… fill in or something.
My hand presses against my clenched stomach and I slump into my seat. Oh God, I made a mistake. I can't get caught up in the middle of their shit.
It takes me a few seconds to know what I have to do. I click through my contacts, find Rick, and I still send him a text message:
"Something came up. Can't make it. But don't worry about anything. Yesterday was amazing, I'll cherish it forever, but 'this closes with a tomb.' It was an emotional day for us both. Don't call me. I'll call you, we'll talk more soon."
€…€
Later that night, after calling my phone several times, Rick decides to show up uninvited at my door.
From my bedroom upstairs I can hear my mother speaking to him.
"My baby's not doing so good," she says, "All afternoon Michonne's been complaining about not feeling well. You wouldn't know anything about that now, would you young man?"
"Uh, no Ma'am," Rick answers. "Can't say that I do. Please, may I just go up to talk to her? Just for a minute? Won't stay long I'll be quick, besides, I have other things to tend to."
"Well, I don't believe you, but just one minute Rick," she agrees. But her soft tone of voice indicates Rick could actually stay for a week. She'd pull out the damn sofa bed, fix him dinner and everything. The woman has no backbone I swear.
Rick climbs up the staircase and sees me standing at the top landing. He follows behind me to my room leaving the door ajar according to my mother's well known rules.
When I ask why he's he's here, although I already know, he says he wanted to show me his surprise.
"Okay," I say.
And out from the pocket of his denim jacket he retrieves a white envelope. Apparently he went ahead and rescheduled his flight from Friday to Saturday.
A lump forms in my throat. "I didn't ask for you to do that."
"I know. You didn't have to." He walks over to my bed and sits in front of me. "So, you mind telling me what that message you sent is all about?"
Staring at my bare feet I couldn't stop seeing them standing close together in my mind.
"Michonne, answer me. Please?"
My fingers reach to the nape of my neck and I start fiddling with my hair. "Think what I said was pretty much self explanatory. We're best friends. Hormones, plus the Summer's ending, plus, you know... everything. Don't worry about it."
"Worry about what?"
"Any of it... about me. We're still friends," I repeat like a mantra to myself. "We'll always be just friends. So you're off the hook. Just please swear you won't mention what happened again. Please." I walk over to the door and step out, letting him know I had nothing else to say. Also, I still want to touch him. I can't stand being so close, breathing in the same air, remembering the feel of everything.
He stands but remains in my room."I'm not looking to be off the hook. I just—I don't understand. No regrets, remember? And what it is I said?"
I don't respond. I don't risk gazing at him. If I do, he'll know I'm on the brink of crying. I only focus on this wall of defense I've constructed and pray he doesn't test the strength of it.
"Well," he says, after we've been silent for awhile,"I um, guess that's my minute then."
To maintain distance, I step back as he exits my room.
"Should I still come on Saturday?"
"Not if you don't want to. I was just being you know…"
"Yeah, yeah I heard you. Emotional. More bullshit," he mumbles.
"What?"
"Nothing. How about you just call me when you get to your Dad's?"
"Sure, fine, whatever."
I follow him down the stairs but he stops and faces me as he hits the landing.
"Why the fuck are you crying?"
"I'm not, Rick. You are." Okay, that was childish. He touches the corners of my eyes and shows me his fingertips. He's right, they're wet. "Oh…" Tears. Sneaky bastards. "And don't curse inside my mother's house."
He sighs, "Sorry. But just tell me… Did I do something wrong?"
I'm not sure how to answer that. At this point I don't trust Rick's "feelings" are real. And I'm not willing to put my heart in his hands, when obviously his heart still belongs to Lori. "No. You didn't. But I think I did. Sometimes, things aren't meant to be…some people aren't, you know?"
He nods and clutches my waist, pulling me towards him. "Can't we just go back upstairs and really talk about this?"
Oh, god he is too close. I just want to shove my tongue down his throat.
Just then, waltzing out from the living room sipping on a glass of wine, my mother spots us. And Rick releases me.
"Oh... so, what's going on? You good now baby?" she asks, her eyes widening at me.
"Yes Ma'am. Rick's ready to leave. We're done talking."
"Okay." Mama hugs him goodnight, and without a second glance my way, Rick sees himself out the front door.
Operation Detach resumed.
