Chapter 7

Little nuggets.

I barely registered what I carried so tightly, yet lightly in the palm of my hand. Edward; he gave it to me. It was the first real gift from… from a human in - in so long I could not remember.

He looked so reasonable today – a cotton plaid shirt open over a smooth navy tee shirt that left little to the imagination. Really, he probably looked a lot like the other boys in Forks – except that I had never really looked at any of them. It usually took Esme, Alice, or even sometimes Rose to direct my attention towards someone.

The burn was there, but the other emotion that went with it was just as powerful. Was this… this sensation a crush? I thought back to last night when I arrived back at the house.

It was just after 9PM, the three couples were sitting in pairs around the great room; Rosalie and Emmett at the piano with Rosalie playing softly; Jasper on the loveseat with Alice's head in his lap and Carlisle and Esme on the couch, her head on his shoulder, listening to Rosalie.

They all looked so relieved when I walked into the room. Alice just smiled. I was glad to be home, but the first thing I noticed in myself was an ache – a longing. Jazz eyed me speculatively. I went and stood beside the loveseat.

I felt as if a tear should fall down my cheek; my cold cheek was painfully dry, but I rubbed my hand over it anyway.

"Bella, Bella I have never ever felt this coming from you,'' Jazz turned and gazed up into my face. "Bella, Bella, you are jealous and longing for someone." He sighed.

"I guess this is what a crush feels like."

"No!" Alice sat up and gazed out. "You – The chief's son. Are. Going to Prom"

"Alice, no boys… no human boys ever talk to me. I can't. I shouldn't even…"

"He will and you will. TALK to him." She crossed her arms over her chest and bobbed her head like Barbara Eden in "I Dream of Genie."

I looked around the room again. For the first time it was not just my wanting to leave the couples to their privacy that made me run. I seriously could not stand to be in that room, with all that – that, whatever it is that I don't have and I realize I don't have. Eighty years of emptiness suddenly crashed down on my silent stone heart. I think everyone can hear it crack as I flee up the stairs and into my room.

Whatever that is – I now want it too.

I hit my ITunes and Clair De Lune filled my room. I sank to the floor on my knees, gazing out at the river.

Esme and Carlisle are knocking not two minutes later. I rise to let them in. They are keeping their minds quiet. Everyone in the room had been shocked by my revelation – their thoughts of pity only added speed to my exit. These two; these are my parents now. They're aching to help me; I want their help. Right now I am lost and I have no instruments to guide me.

They come and sit on either side of me on the gold chaise. Esme puts her arm around me. 'Oh this has to work out – human or not. I almost gave up after Carlisle left Ohio. My girl!' Her thoughts remind me of the story of their first meeting. She was human, just 16. He had the strength to leave her then. Fate had her fall back to Carlisle, 10 years later, on her worst day. No one had been waiting for me. Hadn't I had my worst day?

"Bella, I wondered when you would… when your heart would awaken?" Carlisle broke the silence with his question.

"Carlisle, I don't know if it has. I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. I know Alice has her ideas – but she's translating the Brothers Grimm into Korean and I don't want to know yet," I looked at each of them in turn. I gave a slight smile. "I guess I will have to be a teenager a little longer."

"Bella, you have always done the right thing; you have always found the right way." Carlisle's speech was comforting but his thoughts were more revealing. 'Her eyes – always so cool and steady, now so bright, the Chief's son – how can this come to good?'

Esme understood my confusion better than the rest. "This is just a beginning. You're home now; we're all here for you. Don't forget that." 'We've all been there; she'll find the way and the time.'

They left me to my music a few moments later. I decided to go for a run, to see where the wind takes me. I slipped out my window, landing on the grass with nary a sound. The forest is but a green blur to me. I am not aware I am following a faint scent until I arrive at a clearing at the edge of the forest, where Forks meets trees. I can hear a pair of heartbeats in the house. The police cruiser is out front.

I am staring at his house.

I turned tail and headed home. I put on my earbuds as soon as I was in my room, pressed random on ITunes and waited for the sun to rise. I dressed with a bit more care this morning. Alice didn't look too askance as I passed her this morning. Now I am holding this painted potato like it would disappear.

All the rest of the day I carry my nugget in my hand. In my head all I can see is a bronze haired boy with emerald eyes.

It's soothing at first. It puts all the noisy thoughts to the background.

I want something.

I have not really wanted anything in over 80 years.

I had wanted tinker toys once.

I wanted a plane of my own – I figured out ways to get those things.

I wanted something now – that I could not – should not - would not - Figure out how to get.

Something else was holding me back. Keeping me from trusting my ability.

Thou shalt not - I should not covet.

I should not want…

A human…

Like this…

He will want someone warm and soft, someone like Jessica.

No. I hear a growl in my own mind.

'HE IS MINE'