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Keldeo the Critic- Season Five

Episode Two: My Little Pony Ice Age by The Spectacular Venom (AKA Nightmare Moons Dalek on FimFictionNet)

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With her crown now spray-painted golden, Munna performed a glorious angelic chant and orbited around Victini like an actual moon. Victini spread his arms wide and said a serious, yet majestic tone, "Now hear this, aspiring fanfic writer, for I have an important message for you regarding the crossover fanfic you are planning to write. The original plots, jokes, and scenes of the movie Ice Age are to remain exactly the same. Heed my words, and peace be with you."

Keldeo smiled and said with a nod, "There ya are! That wasn't so bad, was it."

Munna promptly stopped singing and said grumpily, "It was terrible."

"Can we leave now?" Victini asked.

"Sure, go ahead," Keldeo said quickly.

"Peter Rabbit couldn't have been that bad," Victini muttered as he and Munna floated off.

"So," Keldeo said, getting back to business, "We then go back to Twilight who gets attacked by a saber toothed tiger. Now, this has potential. There's probably gonna be an epic battle between a master of magic and a blood thirsty-."


She stopped in place and stared wide-eyed at the saber-toothed cat, the cat in return roared and pounced. Her horn glowed violet red and the cat was suddenly frozen in place in the air, surrounded by the same glow as Twilight's horn.


"Or we could just do that!" Keldeo said in frusterated, "Seriously, why am I not surprised? But what does surprise me is the fact that the author sticks this comment in the story."


"So you ain't gonna kill me right?" Zeke asked, visibly nervous in being dominated by the pony. (Don't you (CENSORED) dare think what I think you're thinking - -)


Keldeo looked confused, "Why is that there? Why did the author swear? What doesn't he want us to think of? Does he really hate Team Fortress 2? Is he afraid we'll interpret this as Twilight trying to mate with him? Or is he so determined to not put any effort into this story that he didn't even think this through?"

"So, anyway, Twilight interrogates him for the location of her pony friends."


"Was one of your friends blue? With a long, colorful, tail?" Twilight instantly smiled and hugged the Smilodon, thanking him for his help. His description matched her friend Rainbow Dash almost exactly, what were the chances of having a blue flying pony with a rainbow tail? Though she knew she couldn't trust the obvious carnivorous predator. Her horn glowed brighter as Zeke was suddenly lifted further into the air, and she threw him away from her. He landed in a lake nearby, and she ran off into the direction where she heard Pinkie scream.


"Wait a minute! He didn't tell you where Rainbow Dash was, he just said that he saw her!" Keldeo exclaimed, "Did the author forget to put that part in or something? Seriously, is the author actually trying to put as little effort into this story as possible? But that means he's making an effort to not put in effort! What is this story?"

"Fine! So then the other sabers are planning on stealing a human baby from a tribe of humans as revenge for hunting half their pack, but Rainbow Dash overhears them and plans to stop them."


"Alert the troops we attack at dawn and Diego, bring me that baby. Alive. If I'm going to enjoy me revenge, I want it to be fresh! Soto walked away from Diego muttering something about bringing the baby back alive. Unknown to the cats, they too were being watched. Behind a rock, completely hidden from view was a cyan, Pegasus, mare with a rainbow mane and tail, listening to the sabre's conversation with disgust on her face. 'Oh really huh?' she thought to herself before sneaking off as quietly as she could.


"Then we go back to Pinkie, Fluttershy, Manny, and Sid; and of course, the ponies don't contribute much of anything and the scene plays out the same as it did in the movie!" Keldeo complained, getting more and more frustrated by the minute.


Hail started to hit the sloth who shouted in pain.

"Uh Manfred, Manfred," A piece of hail hit him in the head, "You sqooch over a slouch? Aw come on nobody falls asleep that fast...MANNY!" Sid looked over and saw the ponies had curled up, fast asleep. He bent his long neck down in defeat and walked over towards Manfred's rear and cowered underneath the mammoth's tail.


"Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, lover of all animals, leaves another living creature out in the hail to freeze and be buffeted by hail!" Keldeo shouted, now completely furious, "And yeah, it's Sid. I know! But come on, it's Fluttershy! This would be a perfect scene for Fluttershy to come out and extend a wing over him, and maybe they could have a conversation about how Sid's family abandoned him. Sid could open up to Fluttershy, and she could make him feel better. Oh my gosh, there are no words to describe such blatant disregard for these incredible characters the author has at his disposal!"

"But wait! It gets worse! After that scene, we get another moment with Golumn in a Fursuit and Applejack!"


Off in the distance, Applejack watched Scrat try to climb a tree trunk with his nut. His goal was to harvest his nut. She couldn't believe how stupid her new friend turned out to be, and how lucky. He'd been crushed, burned, and eaten several times in the day she known the squirrel rat hybrid. Scrat made it to the top and was ready to smack the acorn into the leafless tree but lightning suddenly struck the poor creature.

Applejack grimaced as she heard the lightning strike. Out of nowhere the charred nut hit her forehead.

"Poor little feller." She shook her head in sadness at the charred animal.


Keldeo hung his head low and said quietly, "This scene. . . this stupid. . . stupid scene!"

Keldeo suddenly turned into his Resolute Form and shouted, "THIS SCENE IS THE EMBODIMENT OF THIS ENTIRE FANFIC ITSELF!"

Keldeo panted a bit after his shouting, "No, really, all of the problems with this fanfic can be found in this scene!"

"First, why did Applejack let The Dog from Son of the Mask climb a tree in a storm! Applejack isn't stupid! She knows that trees get hit by lighting in storms!"

Applejack: Whoa, nelly. Is inside a tree really the best place to be in a lightning storm?

Twilight Sparkle: It is if you have a magical lightning rod protecting your home like I do.

"Why didn't Applejack try to stop him or something! Why isn't she allowed to do anything?! Again, this might have been better is Applejack was the focus of the slapstick and got hit by the lighting instead! Why can't any of the ponies do anything!?"

"Second, 'He'd been crushed, burned, and eaten several times in the day'? And Applejack just watched! She didn't even try to keep him out of harm's way?" Keldeo exclaimed, "First Fluttershy isn't kind, and now Applejack isn't the most dependable of ponies? Why is the author degrading these characters?!"

"Third. . . is Applejack just . . . standing out in the hail?" Keldeo asked in utter confusion, "Sure, she's wearing a hat, but A: it's hailing, that's gonna hurt, and B: what about the rest of her body! Why does it seem like none of the ponies are even really there?!"

"And fourth, this scene was completely pointless!" Keldeo shouted, "You know what it feels like? It feels like Applejack is just sitting in Mystery Science Theater 3000 watching the scene and commenting on it, except it's in 4D or something and a machine chucked a burnt acorn at her head. And judging by the was none of the pony characters really do much of anything in this story, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe that was the original format of this fanfic, but then the author changed it at the last minute when he read in the FiMFictionNet guidelines that Mystery Science Theater 3000 style stories weren't allowed!"

Keldeo calmed down and returned back to his normal form. He was panting heavily after his tirade, but then he stuck his head in the surrounding water to cool off.

"Phew!" Keldeo said as he lifted his head up, "Okay. Now. Last chance for this story. The sabre tooth tigers attack the human camp, and Diego chases the mother as she tries to escape with her baby."


She saw a waterfall and crossed a stone bridge. Diego swiftly cut her off. He swiped his paw and grabbed a necklace that was wrapped around the baby's sleeping bag and snarled. Nadia ran back and under the bridge, where Diego once again cut her off. She turned back and ran again. The orange Sabre began to give chase when, out of the corner of his eye, a blue blur hit the cat.

"Aw yeah!" Rainbow Dash hovered just above the ground. Diego snarled at the rainbow maned pony.

"Get out of here! I'm busy." Diego growled and went after the human, but he was stopped by Rainbow.

"No, I heard your conversation about that baby, I'm not letting you hurt that baby." She smirked, she was confident she could beat this cat and protect that baby. The cat's plan disgusted her to her very core so she devised a plan of her own, to defeat the cats. Rainbow landed on the ground and snorted. Diego snarled and circled the pony. He was using a simple predator tactic, circle the prey for any weaknesses and attack. She followed his movements, it seemed like they were dancing to the death. Rainbow couldn't afford any mistakes, she could use the air to her advantage but then again she could be making a mistake.

Diego pounced at the Pegasus who leaped into the air. Diego landed and looked up to see the Pegasus flying above him. He ran after Nadia but was tackled by Rainbow Dash. Rainbow jumped off, but she spun in the air and landed on her side. She stood up just in time to see that Diego pounced on her and pinned the pony down. She grunted and struggled in vain, the 400 pound cat kept her down.


"Lamest battle ever," Keldeo remarked.


A rock hit Diego's back and he growled and saw that Nadia had thrown it.

The pony bucked the Sabre off her, and got into her hooves.


"Oh, come on! Dash needs to be saved by the mother? The one she was originally trying to save?!" Keldeo complained, "Fine! Add Rainbow Dash isn't awesome to the list of character assassinations this fanfic commits!"


She looked at Nadia who picked up the baby and started to run off. Diego smacked her with his paw, causing her to fly towards the river. She hit the cold water and stood up. Dash glared at the smirking cat.

"Come on is that all you got?" She spit some blood into the water. The swipe had left three, bloody claw marks on her left cheek. Diego roared and charged the pony. Rainbow turned and bucked the Sabre in the chest. Diego roared in pain and clutched his chest with his paws.

"Yeah! That's what I thought!" Rainbow laughed at Diego. She looked at Nadia who was at the edge of the waterfall on a rock.

"You ok?" Rainbow asked, but the human could only hear whinnies from her. Nadia back up from her, Rainbow's ears fell in disappointment and she turned around. Suddenly she felt a pain in her face and she flew off the waterfall and her head bounced on four boulders. She hit the water below. Diego smirked and growled at Nadia.

He creeped towards the human and her child. She knew there was only one place she could go, down with Rainbow. She clutched her baby and leapt off the edge, much to Diego's surprise. He looked over the edge but he couldn't find her. He went back towards the camp.


Keldeo sighed, "You know, this is the only part that I can't get that angry at. I mean, the mother has to die and loose her baby so Manny and Sid could find it. Sure, I wish Dash had put up a better fight, but still, I'd say this is easily the best part of the entire fanfic, as it actually has Rainbow Dash crossing over into the story of Ice Age while taking an active role in it. But the rest of the fanfic is so awful that it really doesn't help much."

Keldeo shrugged, "Okay, what's next."


"Come on Fluttershy, I've seen you checking out Big Mac." Pinkie hooded her eyes.


". . . I hate this fanfic. . . in fact, I'm just gonna end it now. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Sid, and Manny find the human baby. Then Twilight pulls Rainbow Dash out of the river. Then the two groups find each other. And that's all the author wrote before he gave up!"

Keldeo then smiled knowingly and said, "And I'm gonna tell you why the author decided to stop writing this fanfic. You see, in the movie, Diego is able to trick Sid and Manny into thinking he wants to help return the baby to his family, while he really wants to take him to his pack to eat it. Of course, during the movie, he goes through character development and has a change of heart. But in this story, Rainbow Dash knows that Diego's a bad guy, so that ruins Diego's plan. And the author can't give Dash amnesia, because Diego scratched Dash's face, and she still has the scars to prove it! Plus, when the gang runs into the Glitched Out Pachirisu Sprite, Diego won't be bale to flick him away when he tries to warm them about the sabres and point Diego out as a bad guy, because not only will Fluttershy be there to translate, but Applejack will be there to defend him from Diego and insist that they give the 'little feller' a chance. Also, I don't think Fluttershy would be okay with the DODO GENOCIDE SCENE!"

Keldeo frowned, "In other words, the author would have to put effort into rewriting the plot of the movie now that irrevocable and unavoidable changes have been made. BUT, since we are all well aware that this author is incapable of putting effort into his stories, or at least this story, maybe he's better at other types of fanfics, I don't know- The point is that the author just couldn't be bothered, so he quit. Leaving us with the terribly lazy, annoying, character insulting fanfic known as My Little Pony Ice Age. I've already explained why this fanfic is bad enough, you have to have gotten it by now, so let's just end this review already."

Keldeo stomped his left forehoof and said, "I'm Keldeo the Critic, I review it so you don't have to!"

As Keldeo turned to leave, Victini and Munna came back, looking pretty sorry for themselves.

"Uh, Keldeo," Munna began nervously, unable to look Keldeo in the eye.

"We wanna apologize. . . and thank you," Victini said with a sheepish smile.

"Thank me?" Keldeo echoed, looking rather confused by the countenances of the two Pokemon.

"We looked up info on the Peter Rabbit movie," Victini explained.

"Oh. My. Gosh," was all Munna could say as her eyes widened in horror.

Keldeo blinked, then smirked, "Heh. See what I meant?"

Victini nodded, "Yeah. I think doing this review was a much better time than watching that horrible movie ever could've been."

Keldeo nodded, "Sure. I mean, as bad as it was, it was at least fun to critique. It's a good lesson of what not to do when making a crossover fanfic."

Munna nodded, "Sure. Very informative."

"Right," Keldeo said confidently, his cheerful demeanor returning now that the review was over and done with, "Well, I think it's about time I reviewed a Pokemon fanfic. Got any ideas?"

Victini grinned, "How about THE WORST POKEMON FANFIC EVER?"

Keldeo blinked, and he put his left forehoof to his chin in thought. "Hmmmmmmmmm. . ." Finally, Keldeo smiled and said cheerfully, "Okay!"

Munna sighed, "Oh good. He's happy. He must have forgotten about how I accidentally brought up those Pokemans Diamond comics."

Keldeo froze solid as his right eye twitched.

Munna's eyes widened as she realized her fatal mistake. "Uh-oh," she said.

Victini gulped audibly and said, "I . . . think we'd better go now."


Vicitni and Munna quickly flew out of the Moor of Icirrus as fast as they could. However, they could hear a loud battle cry above and behind them. If they could've afforded the chance to turn and look up, they would have seen Keldeo falling from the sky in his Resolute Form, with his Secret Sword out and aimed right at them as he roared with horrifying rage.


The End

Credits

The Nostalgia Critic- The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Peter Rabbit (2018)

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Ice Age

FiMFictionNet

The Nostalgia Critic- Garfield the Movie

My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Wiki

Team Fortress 2

Mystery Science Theater 3000

The "Pokemans Diamond" comic series by CSImadmax (Keldeo: "WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS DOING HERE IN THE CREDITS!? MATTHAIS!")

The Nostalgia Critic- Norm of the North